Chapter Text
Alex sits outside the school by the football field, hands shaking and stomach hurting. He feels like shit, and all he wants is to go to sleep. The wind has picked up and his arms feels chilly in the cold afternoon. Despite shivering, he feels grateful for the cold. It is a good way to keep himself awake. He doesn't feel as tired out here in the cold, but he still feels fucking exhausted.
He can’t stop thinking about the hurt in Zach’s eyes. The raw, vulnerability that had burned in his eyes as Alex had done everything in his power to make his so called “friend” hurt and ready to defend himself; it hadn’t happened. The only thing that crawls under Alex’s skin now is shame, but he ignores it the best he can. They don’t care about him, so why should he care about them?
"In the end, everything matters."
Alex has already missed chemistry, and he isn't really in the mood for math either. His dad will be pissed when he finds out he has skipped class, but right now, Alex doesn't really care. Right now, his top priority is to keep himself from doing something "stupid", that feels so incredibly right in this moment. To keep himself preoccupied with doing something, he just continues to scratch at the red marks on his arms, picking at the not fully healed wounds until they bleed slightly. The pain is nothing compared to the bruises Montgomery left on his face, but it is better than feeling nothing at all.
Now that the adrenaline has faded away and Alex's heart is not beating as violently in his chest, it slowly dawns on him that he probably wasn't being reasonable back in the cafeteria. Zach wasn't trying to be cruel, if anything, he was just being nice, and Alex shut him down as if he was an enemy plane invading his land. Alex wants to think that he had the right to bite back considering what Zach did to Hannah, but right now, he can't really bring himself to think like that either. He is just tired. He can't really bring himself to care about any of it, actually.
He leans his head back, closing his eyes and breathing in the cold. The wind whips around his face, and it feels good. It helps ease the headache that never truly goes away. The pain is still pulsating through his temples, but at least now it feels a little bit more bearable. The quiet does him good, he tells himself, but it is not long before it is interrupted.
"Standall!"
It is Justin. Alex flinches at the sound of his voice and instantly, reflexively, covers his wrists by rolling down the arms of the cardigan again. He opens his eyes and turns his head to the sound of Foley's voice, trying his best not to glare. The jock is walking towards him with his hands in his pockets, eyebrows raised and something incredulous in his eyes. For a second Alex considers standing up, meeting Justin with a defensive stance, but then he thinks better of it. If he stands up right now he might just sway or even fall back down, and he won't give Justin that satisfaction.
He actually looks pissed off.
"What the hell was that all about?"
"Do you have someone you can talk to Alex?".
The promise he gave to Angelina comes back to him all of a sudden, and he actually groans when he remembers picking Justin as to being that person. What was he even thinking? Why the hell would he even think for a second that Justin actually cared about him? Alex stays quiet, tries his best to ignore Justin's presence all together. Maybe he will go away if he just wishes it hard enough.
There is a pause where Alex actually starts to believe operation-ignore-Justin has worked, but then he can feel the wind change a little, and suddenly something warm is rested close to his arm. Alex can feel the bench shift slightly under the added weight of another body, and in the corner of his eye he can see the shape of Justin. The brown haired kid is looking at him, and Alex sighs heavily at the almost worried look behind the steel in his blue eyes. He truly must be imagining things now. Maybe he is truly going crazy.
"You did a real good job at exposing Dempsey to everyone back in there." Justin continues after the moment has passed, and even though his words are hard his tone is soft. He almost sounds humored, like he finds something about this whole mess funny. He doesn't exactly sound mad, and Alex can't decide it if he likes that or not. It makes him feel uncomfortable, but it also makes him remember his meeting with Angelina again. He had promised he would talk to someone, and that someone apparently had to be Justing fucking Foley of all people. This was probably a chance as good as any, but he simply doesn't feel like talking right now.
Instead he just shrugs as an answer, and a very uncomfortable silence stretches between them. Alex can barely feel it though. He just stares out on the field, hands in his pockets. Justin does the same, but he breaks the tension after a little while. Alex has always wondered how awkward silences can be so easy to break for some people. To him, it has always been hard as hell and seemingly impossible.
"No witty comeback, huh?"
At that, Alex glances up to catch Justin's eyes. He is sitting with his hands in his pockets, looking bored and wanting to move, but for some reason he is still there. The dark clouds are blocking most of the sun, but it's still midday and every detail in Justin's face is visible. He is frowning a little, but he doesn't look uncaring or unkind.
He is sitting so close that Alex actually can feel the heat radiate from his skin despite the cold winds. For a moment it is almost like this isn't Justin Foley the perfect jock and Alex isn't Alex Standall the pathetic loser. He can feel the slight shivers run down his arm, and for the first time in a long time, he doesn't actually feel completely at loss of himself in company of others. He feels strangely stuck in the present, and he wonders why Justin does that to him.
"We can see that you're not doing so good, you know." Justin says, voice gentle but firm over the sound of the wind.
"Yeah?" Alex mutters, and there is a hint of his usual sarcasm in his voice, because heck, of course they must've noticed. Justin actually has the nerve to chuckle, but before Alex has the time to allow himself to be mad, he realizes that the sound of Justin's breathy laugh isn't exactly mean. He turns his head again towards him, and Justin looks right back.
"Yeah, you fucking idiot." He says, almost rolling his eyes at him. “You make it painfully clear. I think the whole school have noticed by now.”
“Great.” Alex shots back, but that is just great. Now they all know how much of an idiot he is. Not that they didn’t think that before… before Hannah. Happy people made other people happy, he knew that. Alex wasn’t exactly happy. He was drowning, and he was taking everyone around him down with him. He knew he would be doing everyone a favor by just simply giving up, but for some reason he couldn’t really bring himself to do anything at the moment. Right now, he was just desperate for sleep.
“Look man, we are all having a pretty rough time keeping ourselves together.” Justin continues, and his voice has taken on that harsh tone again that makes irritation bubble in Alex’s chest. “But you really need to chill out.”
“Really Foley?” Alex spits out. He has had enough of Justin’s fucking pity. He won’t just stand here and pretend like it doesn’t piss him off. Why is he even here? What is he even trying to accomplish? If he isn't leaving, then Alex is.
Anger once again bubbles in his chest as he raises to his feet and takes a couple of steps towards the school. Before he gets very far, he can hear Justin getting up behind him, and then there is a hand on his arm, trying to stop him from moving away. He spins around, which causes the world to continue to spin even when he stands still, and he blinks away the blur as the throws Justin’s arm off of him.
“What the hell is your problem Standall?” Justin snaps angrily. Alex knows Justin has a short temper and he knows that he is testing his luck, but maybe that is exactly what he wants, what he needs. Justin might be the only person ready to throw punches.
“You think I need to chill?” Alex takes a step forward, hands coming up to push Justin in the chest before the other boy has the chance to throw his arms out and deflect the blow. Fire is flaring up in Justin’s eyes by now, but for some reason he won’t act on it. “You think I need to chill out, huh?”
“Shut the hell up Standall.” He answers, tone clipped and impatient. He looks tired, but it is a different kind of tired than the one that is paralysing Alex’s very being. “You’re not being yourself, so just shut it and listen to me.”
“Fuck you!”
Alex once again takes a furious step forward, but this time Justin simply steps aside. The world spins as Alex looses his footling, stumbling forward. Suddenly the world goes uncaringly black. Spots dances in front of his vision but Hannah is there too, smiling at him. Her smile is wicked and nothing like the beautiful Hannah he once knew, and it scares the living shit out of him. Yet, he can’t seem to blink the darkness away, and he feels himself topple over.
"Shit." Justin swears as he bolts forward and just barely manages to catch Alex by the arms as he falls. The fingers digs into Alex's skin so hard he knows they must bruise later, but Alex almost feels grateful, because his fucking legs won't carry his weight right now, and his touch makes Hannah feels slightly less real. Her evil smile fades a little, and the dark spots is invaded by the smallest amount of light.
Alex knows he is just barely wavering between unconsciousness and consciousness, blindly grabbing at the air and at Justin’s arms, not knowing wether he will be able to catch himself before he looses it completely. Maybe then he will finally be able to get some sleep.
"Shit.” Justin mutters again under his breath. “What the actual fuck Standall?"
Justin tries to heave him back up, but when he realizes that Alex's legs just continue to act like jelly underneath him, he sits them both down to the ground. Alex simply lets himself be manhandled, trying to ground himself the best he can, as Foley kneels in front of him, eyes wide and confused.
"Standall? Can you hear me?" Before Alex even gets the chance to open his mouth and answer, Justin is patting his cheek repeatedly, obviously trying to gain his attention with the hint of desperation in his eyes.
Fuck, Alex thinks as he leans back, and swats his hand away irritatedly. Sleep really wouldn’t come to him. "Yes Foley. I'm not fucking deaf."
"You..." Justin begins, voice hard and angry, but then he trails off. He seems to think better of it. If Alex wanted to, he could easily have seen the wheels turning in the other boy's head. When he continues talking, his voice is much softer. "You nearly fainted on me Standall. What do you want me to say?"
Alex wants to protest, to say that he most definitely did not just about faint a few moments ago, but then he realizes that he can't actually say that with certainty.
There is a pause again before Justin speaks up, voice still uncharacteristically soft.
"You're not sleeping, aren’t you?"
The words sends a shiver down Alex's spine and he tries to glare at Justin. It doesn't exactly work, and he gives up after a little while. He is tired of trying to be okay, and he is pretty sure that it's pretty goddamn obvious that he's not sleeping considering the dark bags under his eyes. So instead of trying to play it off like he usually does, he just shrugs. Justin is too stubborn to be convinced otherwise anyways. If he has set his mind into the fact that Alex isn't sleeping, then there's no way Alex will be able to tell him any different.
"You know I have something that can help you get some sleep right?" Justin continues then, and Alex frowns at him. Doesn’t really believe him, but some idiotic part of him still trusts him, and he doesn’t know why.
“What do you mean?” He sounds breathless even to his own ears and Justin checks him up and down, as if he is searching for answers he knows Alex won’t give him. Then he stops for a second, biting into his bottom lip, staring holes into Alex’s façade.
“Are your parents still out?” Justin asks instead of answering Alex’s question, and Alex can’t remember telling him that. It’s true though, they aren’t at home. He just nods. “Your brother?”
“Out.”
Alex feels the urge to claw at his arms again, but he resists. Instead he picks at the rocks on the ground, blinking at the dirt gathering under his nails. Justin still holds a hand on his shoulder, gently but firmly holding him in place. His eyes are lowered as he tries to catch Alex’s eyes.
“How long will it be until they’re back?”
“A couple of days or two.”
Alex blinks tiredly, trying his best to ignore the pain in his head as he tries to focus on Justin. The boy makes absolutely no sense, but if he has something that can make Alex sleep, then he will be grateful.
Justin looks torn for a second. As if he doesn’t really know what to do or say, but then he sets his jaw in a perfect impression of determination.
“Come on Standall. We’re going home to your place.”