Chapter Text
The proceeding four weeks were the happiest of Kanaya’s life.
Even as winter drew ever nearer, she felt warmer than ever before. An elated, rapturous warmth enveloped her entire being until she felt utterly consumed by it. She could only imagine how she might have felt if only Rose had come into her life sooner!
As had become routine, Kanaya found herself flying through that evening’s homework, only taking time for a single proofread for each assignment before immediately setting out of her dorm for the evening. Rose would be waiting for her by the front doors by now, and she didn’t want to detain her for even a second longer than necessary. It was Thursday, which meant that Rose would be borrowing her sister’s car for the evening, giving them unrestricted mobility throughout the city. It also meant that they couldn’t stay out as late as perhaps Kanaya would prefer. She didn’t mind. Whenever she was with Rose, time stood still.
Kanaya practically leaped through the door to the stairwell to see Rose patiently waiting outside the front door. Upon seeing her, Kanaya smiled and met her eyes immediately. Rose smiled in turn and took a step away from the door. Quickly they moved to the car, sealed away from the rest of the world. With hardly a word between them, Rose started the car up as Kanaya gently pressed the side of her face into Rose’s shoulder briefly before settling into her seat, resting her left hand on Rose’s right hand operating the gearshift. She savored the feeling of Rose’s fingers interlocked with hers.
Once Rose had hit a decent cruising speed, she lifted Kanaya’s hand and kissed it. Kanaya’s heart leaped into her throat at the sensation of Rose’s plush lips against her skin.
“Where are we off to tonight, dearest?” Kanaya asked.
“I thought we could try that new café that’s opened downtown.” She didn’t take her eyes off the road. “You know I can’t turn down a fresh cup of coffee.”
“Nor I a fine cup of tea,” Kanaya agreed. In truth, it didn’t matter to her where they went, so long as they went together.
“Shall we, then?” asked Rose.
“We shall,” answered Kanaya, tightening her grip on Rose’s hand for emphasis.
The dimly lit café was…atmospheric, if Kanaya had to choose a single word. Round wooden tables dotted the hardwood floor, accenting the sunflower wallpaper lining the area. The smell of hot, freshly brewed coffee dominated the air, with Kanaya only barely able to detect the faintest aroma of burning insense. A jukebox completed the ambience with softly playing music. It seemed that this new restaurant was having no trouble finding business. Rose and Kanaya took seats at a vacant table, and before long a server in a plain color mini dress arrived, notepad in hand to take their order.
“I’ll have your house medium roast coffee, black,” said Rose.
“And I will have mint tea, if you please,” Kanaya added.
“Ginger or honey with your tea, miss?”
“Ginger, no honey.”
“And can I interest you ladies in one of our freshly made sandwiches today?” the server asked.
“No, thank you,” Rose and Kanaya responded in unison, before exchanging a glance and smile.
The server nodded. “So that’s one black medium roast coffee, and one mint tea with ginger. Should just be a couple of minutes!”
No sooner had the server left to bring the order to the kitchen than Kanaya and Rose began discussing the walk-together programs being initiated by NOW.
“I had heard that there have been incidents of violence in some of the larger urban centers,” said Kanaya.
“Things are starting to get hairy all around the country,” Rose frowned. “It would seem as if the expected backlash is right on schedule.”
Kanaya sighed. “And here I am, right in the thick of it.” She turned her gaze downward, doing her best to resist frowning as well. “It was not that long ago that the only thing weighing on my mind was my next paper’s approaching deadline.”
Rose tilted her head. “Are you having any regrets?”
Kanaya met her eyes, and her smile became more earnest. “Only that I did not get involved sooner,” she replied.
“Glad to hear it,” Rose said as she crossed her legs under the table, purposefully dragging the side of her foot along the length of Kanaya’s leg as she did so.
Kanaya felt her cheeks flush as she squirmed slightly in her seat. She knew that Rose rather enjoyed getting a rise out of her in public settings like this, and Kanaya couldn’t bring herself to ask her to stop even if she had wanted to.
The server returned with their drinks, setting each one in front of them before rushing away to serve another table. The interruption was over as quick as it began, and Kanaya was free to let her thoughts linger on Rose’s touch.
Of course, Kanaya was aware of the risks involved with any kind of public display of affection with another woman. The political climate wasn’t especially different here than in the rest of the country concerning such affairs, and with the pushback against feminist movements that was becoming more pointed lately, Kanaya was not about to tempt fate any more than necessary. She knew that Rose’s attitude was ever slightly more brazen, but both felt confident, for the time being, that their interests were best served by remaining discreet. As such, these tiny instances of affection would suffice. She sighed contentedly and fluttered her eyelashes.
Rose just smiled, clearly pleased with herself for coaxing these reactions from her. She set her mug down in front of her. “How’s your tea?”
Kanaya realized that she hadn’t yet touched it, and immediately took a sip. She hummed and blinked a few times. “Surprisingly sweet.” She smacked her lips. “I think they put some syrup in their mint brew.” She grimaced. “I don’t think I like it.”
Rose leaned in. “Oh? And here I thought you liked it when things were…” she drew her foot along the length of Kanaya’s leg again. “…sickly sweet.”
Kanaya could barely contain herself, leaning in to meet Rose’s gaze. “Some things can afford to be…saccharine,” she said quietly. “But lately, I’ve been finding that my palate demands something with just a bit of…” she stole a glance at Rose’s lips. “…spice.”
Rose’s grin widened as she exhaled slowly, allowing Kanaya to briefly bask in the warmth of her breath. “Well then,” she murmured. “I guess we’ll just have to find something more suited to your tastes.”
Kanaya shifted in her seat. “Any particular or specific suggestions?” she said just above a breath.
Rose slumped in her chair, her grin quickly returning to normal. “How about a milkshake?”
Kanaya had to blink a few times to snap herself out of the moment. “Milkshake. Of course.” She leaned back. “Certainly, something ideally suited to offset the overbearing sweetness of this tea.”
Rose chuckled. “I’m not hearing a ‘no’.”
“And you won’t, for that matter. At least with a milkshake, the sweetness comes as part of the array of reasonable expectations.”
“Indeed,” said Rose. “Also, we can split a basket of fries. I could use some salt.”
“You’re not concerned with exceeding your monetary means?”
Rose smirked. “When it comes to salt, no price is too steep.”
Kanaya gave her a sly glare, which she returned with a knowing raise of her eyebrow. Moments like this meant more to Kanaya than she had the capacity to express, even with her penchant for circumlocutory verbosity. “Shall we head off, then?”
“Certainly,” said Rose as she pulled some bills from her purse. Before long, they were back on the road.
At Rose’s suggestion, the pair got their milkshakes and fries from a drive-through, not wanting to spend more time than necessary in a second restaurant. It became evident to Kanaya that Rose had something very particular in mind to spend the remainder of the evening. As the night sky descended upon them, Rose would not reveal their destination, allowing the path she took to eventually speak for itself. Kanaya barely noticed, with lively conversation intermittently broken up with loving, meaningful silence as they simply enjoyed each other’s presence.
Kanaya felt utterly ecstatic. Finally, she felt as if she understood that feeling her friends had tried to describe to her when talking about their own dates. With Rose, she felt an unconditional affection and affirmation of herself, and the sheer amount of joy that she brought into her life felt positively narcotic. She could tell, from Rose’s actions and words, that she was feeling the same way.
She brought Rose’s hand to hers to kiss it. Rose’s soft hum was all the affirmation she needed.
Finally, they pulled over to the edge of a clearing on the outskirts of the city.
“Where are we?” Kanaya asked.
“A spot I’ve been meaning to show you for a while,” Rose said as she opened her car door.
Kanaya opened her own door. “Oh?”
Rose was looking upwards at the night sky. “Look,” she whispered. “On a clear night, you can see hundreds of stars from here.”
Kanaya looked up, and couldn’t help but gasp at the sight before her. As Rose had said, twinkling starlight reached out in every direction for as far as they eye could see. Every constellation that Kanaya knew, every marker and every waypoint, stretching out endlessly into the pitch expanse. She twirled about, taking in the splendor from every direction she could, smiling wider than she could ever recall. “Oh my goodness, Rose…” she whispered in turn. “I haven’t seen a sky this magnificent since I left my mother’s home!”
“I found this spot in my freshman year,” Rose said. “It’s the second most beautiful thing I’ve seen since Roxy and I moved here.” She was moving closer to Kanaya.
“Only the second?” Kanaya asked, twirling herself again to look at Rose.
“Only the second,” she repeated, drawing herself even closer before wrapping her arms loosely around Kanaya’s shoulders.
“And what, would you say, is—“
Rose didn’t let Kanaya finish. She took her lips into her own and wasted no time slipping her tongue into Kanaya’s mouth. Kanaya placed her hands above Rose’s waist and pulled her closer, gently biting her lower lip. Over the weeks she had gotten a lot of practice in and now felt very confident in her abilities to match Rose move for move. For a long time, their lips continued to dance and play with each other, taking turns nibbling and pivoting against each other, pleased hums escaping their mouths in sync.
Lost in the moment, Rose stumbled onto the grass below her, giggling as she let herself fall unto her back, throwing her arms up as Kanaya knelt down to meet her, rolling to her side to resume kissing her. Rose rolled herself above Kanaya, and nuzzled herself into the side of her neck to plant more kisses. Kanaya drew a pleased breath before moving her own lips to Rose’s neck.
In time, though Kanaya couldn’t quite recall how, they both ended up on their backs lying in opposite directions, each cradling the other’s face as they both gazed upwards to the sky. There they lay, completely silent but for the sound of their own breathing.
“Rose…” Kanaya broke the silence.
“What is it, Kanaya?”
“…Thank you.”
Rose stirred where she was lying.
Kanaya continued. “Thank you for a wonderful evening. Thank you for showing me this place. Thank you for being in my life. Thank you.”
They lay in silence for another moment before Rose responded. “Thank YOU, Kanaya. I truly can’t remember the last time I felt this happy, this fulfilled, this…loved.”
Kanaya twisted her head to face Rose, who was still looking upwards. “You are loved, my dear,” she said. “And you always will be.”
Rose took a breath and turned to face Kanaya. “I love you too, Kanaya.”
Kanaya’s heart felt as though it could burst at any second. The whole rest of the world had melted away in this moment, and all that mattered, all that she could ever want or need, was right here next to her. She kissed Rose’s chin.
If Kanaya had known what the future held, perhaps she might have stayed in this moment a little longer. Perhaps she might have allowed herself to remain lost in this rapturous feeling for a few more minutes. Perhaps she would have savored every sensation throughout her entire being even moreso than she had been.
But alas, Kanaya did not know what the future held. She did not know that this would be the last peaceful night that she would know for a long time.
On Friday, Kanaya immediately noticed that something was amiss.
The warm smile that usually greeted Kanaya on Rose’s face as she approached in the University’s quad was absent. In its place was a very tightly held frown, pursed as if Rose’s lips were set to fall from her face at any moment. When at last their eyes met, Rose’s lips turned to a forced and artificial smile, one that Kanaya knew was practically performative. Rose was smiling not out of genuine feelings of happiness, but, as many of the social theorists Kanaya had been reading would have put it, to fulfill an unspoken social contract between the two women.
Kanaya wasn’t buying it for a second. For all of Rose’s teasing about Poker on the day they first met, Rose’s current façade was as evident to Kanaya as the changing of the seasons. But, as confident as she was that something was bothering Rose, she felt wholly unsure as to how to address the matter. After all, she reasoned, everyone has their days where they simply felt unhappy, and if anyone had earned a respite from the ubiquitous expectation of a woman’s pleasant agreeableness, it was most certainly Rose. Furthermore, Kanaya thought, if whatever was troubling Rose were something serious, surely she would, in her own time, share it with her.
Still, as the evening progressed and as Rose showed no sign of relaxing her demeanor, Kanaya found herself feeling sympathetically tense. She couldn’t shake her unease as conversations felt terse and uncomfortable, overcome with a quiet distress as they went through the motions of the night.
Finally, as they were heading back to Kanaya’s dorm, she finally worked up the nerve to address the matter.
“Is everything alright, Rose?”
Rose’s brow lifted. Kanaya couldn’t tell if the she was surprised at the question or startled from a train of thought. “Hm? Yes, everything’s alright. Why do you ask?”
“You seem unusually distant tonight.”
Rose smiled. “It’s nothing to be concerned about, Kanaya. Really.”
“Very well,” said Kanaya. “But I hope that you’re aware that if something is bothering you, I am willing to listen to whatever it may be.”
“I appreciate that, but I promise you that I’m fine,” Rose said as she braked in front of the building. “I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”
Kanaya squeezed Rose’s hand before stepping out of the car. “I will see you then!”
As she climbed the stairs back into her room, Kanaya felt a chill run through her spine. She wanted to believe Rose. She wanted to accept that whatever change in her behavior was not worth considering, or at least not for this long. She wanted to believe that everything truly was all right. But in the back of her mind, something was nagging her, clawing for her attention against her own better judgment.
Or was it truly her better judgement? Kanaya scarcely knew at this point. By the time she was inside her room, she was exhausted. She slumped against her bed, too tired to wash off her makeup, too tired to study, too tired to think of anything but Rose and whatever was troubling her.
The days passed, turning into weeks, and Rose continued to be stiff and distracted. Any attempt by Kanaya to address the matter was met with Rose’s brand of obstinacy. Half-hearted assurances that nothing was wrong, forced smiles that lasted slightly longer than necessary, and perhaps an insincere squeeze of Kanaya’s hand. Kanaya felt increasingly unsure of herself as this carried on. Was this normal? After all, Kanaya had never dated anyone before, and didn’t have much in terms of lived experience to draw from. Was this just part of the ebb and flow of romance? Kanaya didn’t have a solid basis of reference. A couple of paperback novels timidly purchased from the drugstore surely could not have adequately prepared her for a genuine relationship of this nature.
Ugly thoughts began to swirl in Kanaya’s head as she tried to sleep in the proceeding nights. Memories of overheard conversations, news reports, and literature concerning lesbian women resurfaced, reminding her of the grim presentation of such women. Brutish, lustful, and angry women of rapacious appetites and licentious morals. But it was impossible that Rose, her Rose, could possibly fit that description.
Wasn’t it?
It was on one such evening that Kanaya, exhausted and restless, suddenly stormed from her bedroom to the hall’s shared restroom. She had unconsciously decided to splash her face with cold water, vainly hoping it might break her free of these thoughts and imaginings. As she did so, she studied her reflection in the mirror.
She hadn’t realized she’d been crying before then.
She took a deep breath before reaching for some tissues. Fire lit in her eyes as her expression shifted, and she marched from the bathroom directly to the main lobby’s telephone room. With fervent determination, she dialed.
One ring. For the first time in months, Kanaya wasn’t mentally rehearsing her side of the conversation. She knew precisely what she needed to say and nothing would stop her from saying it.
Two rings. Kanaya took a moment to straighten her posture as she crossed her legs underneath her nightgown.
Her shoulders tensed as she heard the click of the phone being answered in the middle of the third ring. She smacked her lips just before the voice on the other end began to speak.
“What’s the big idea callin’ ‘ere in the middle of the night, wiseguy?”
“Roxy!” Kanaya’s whole body tensed.
“Well it ain’t the tooth fairy, I’ll tell ya that much!” Roxy grumbled.
“I—I am terribly sorry to have woken you, Roxy,” Kanaya stammered, her composure suddenly and completely failing. “Please, I need to speak with Rose.”
Kanaya heard Roxy groan as she parsed what Kanaya had said. “Kanny? Is that you?”
“I am afraid so,” Kanaya answered.
“Kanny!” Roxy’s voice suddenly beamed with joy. “Oh gosh, I didn’t know it was you! Yeah, hold on, I’ll go get her.”
Kanaya held the receiver slightly away from her face in anticipation of what she knew was coming. “Hey Rose! ROSE! ROSEYYY!” came Roxy’s voice. “GET THE PHONE, IT’S YOUR SWEETIE-MUFFIN!” Kanaya put the receiver back to her ear. “She’ll just be a sec!”
A few seconds later, Kanaya heard another click, followed by Rose’s voice. “Thank you, Roxy, I’ve got it.”
“You girls play nice now!” Roxy said cheerfully, before hanging up her line.
“Kanaya, what’s the matter?”
“Rose, I need to speak with you, and I am afraid that it can not wait. How soon can you be at my dorm?”
“It’s one o’clock in the morning, Kanaya,” Rose answered, still groggy. “I only just fell asleep.”
“Yes, I am aware. But I need to talk to you and I feel with utmost certainty that this is a conversation best had in person. The telephone is much too impersonal.”
Kanaya heard Rose sigh. “And you already know that Roxy’s awake, so I can’t use the excuse that I don’t want to wake her to ask for the car.”
“I also would have been willing to pay your taxi fare upon arrival,” Kanaya quickly added.
“And that level of tenacity indicates that there’s no talking you out of this,” said Rose.
“There most certainly is not,” confirmed Kanaya. “Rose, please.”
Kanaya heard some shuffling on Rose’s end of the line. “Alright. Give me a few minutes to get dressed and I’ll be right over.”
For 15 minutes, Kanaya waited by the front door. It was dark outside, and Kanaya couldn’t help but to examine every figure she saw walking by, hoping for each to be Rose headed her way. Most were students drunkenly stumbling about campus trying to find their residences. With each one that she saw, she grew increasingly impatient.
Finally, one of the figures passed under a streetlamp and Kanaya caught a glimpse of Rose’s face. On another night, the sight would have left her overjoyed, but not tonight. She let her inside and the pair made haste to Kanaya’s room.
Before Kanaya could speak, Rose began: “I’m sorry, Kanaya. I know that I haven’t been myself lately, and you deserve an explanation.”
Kanaya wasn’t satisfied. “I don’t feel as though I should have to go to such elaborate lengths to the ends of coaxing it out of you, either.”
Rose sighed. “Indeed not.”
“And if you’re not willing to tell me what’s on your mind, you can at least tell me that much. These past several days have been nothing short of hellish on me.”
“That’s fair,” Rose frowned. “I suppose I just…thought it might be easier this way.”
“Easier?”
Rose pulled her shoulders inward. “Have you heard the interview that Betty Friedman gave to the Monitor recently?”
“I haven’t,” answered Kanaya. “What did she say?”
Rose sat in silence. Several times she adjusted her posture, drew her breath as if to speak, then exhaled in quiet exasperation. On at least one occasion her voice stammered somewhat before the silence resumed.
Kanaya was unfazed. “Rose?”
“They’re calling it ‘The Lavender Menace’. It’s not just Friedman, it’s Brownmiller, it’s…there’s a lot of people saying it. They’re saying that lesbians are hurting the movement, that we—” Rose drew a breath. “Kanaya, they’re starting to blacklist certain groups from NOW, disavowing some of the bigger organizations because of their prominent lesbian figures, talking about us like we’re the enemy. “
“Is this what’s got you so upset?”
Rose stared at her feet. “They see us as a threat. I guess I thought, naively, I suppose, that NOW was intended to be for all women.”
Kanaya sidled herself closer to Rose. She did her best to be sound sympathetic, but firm. “I understand the underpinning sense of betrayal, but I do not believe it is fair to transfer any resultant feelings of animosity towards me.”
Rose shook her head. “It’s not that. Believe me, what I feel for you could not be further from anything resembling animosity. I just…” She blinked a few times before turning her gaze towards Kanaya. “I hate the idea that I’ve been dragging you into all of this just as it seems as if everyone is conspiring to excise women like us.” She straightened her posture. “Even when we’re being discreet, I know that I’ve garnered a reputation for myself. I guess I had hoped that maybe it wasn’t too late for you to save yourself from this.”
Kanaya put a hand on Rose’s knee. “Rose, you haven’t been dragging me into anything. Do you truly think that after everything I’ve learned, that I would voluntarily act outside of my own agency in these matters?”
“I suppose not,” Rose answered, her voice cracking slightly. “But I’ve seen things that have happened to other girls. I’ve seen them harassed, beaten, taken away…” Her voice trailed off. “I know that no matter what, Roxy will support me unconditionally and I’ll always have a place I can go home to. I’m lucky that way. But I can’t pretend that I don’t know how dangerous it is for other people. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if…”
“Rose.” Kanaya pulled her hand back into her lap and sat up straight. “Do you trust me?
“Do I…? Of course I trust you.”
“Then I feel as if it would behoove you to place your trust that I know what I’m doing. Through your tutelage, my eyes have been opened to so much, and it would be to no one’s benefit if I were to waiver, even for a moment.” She took one of Rose’s hands into hers. “I want you. I want this. And if Betty Friedman or Susan Brownmiller or whomever it may be come to believe that their liberation will come at our expense, I will stand by your side and prove to them their folly firsthand, if only you give me that chance.” She pulled Rose’s hand to her chest. “I am not afraid.”
A tear fell from each of Rose’s eyes. “Kanaya…”
Kanaya gently set Rose’s hand down as she drew her face nearer to hers, pulling her in for a passionate embrace. Rose responded in kind, wrapping one arm around Kanaya’s waist and guiding her legs over the edge of her bed. Kanaya made a motion for the top button of Rose’s blouse. Rose pressed her body into Kanaya’s. With each deliberate motion, the intensity of their passion grew, taking them further than they’d ever gone, the burning fire of their lust for each other bringing heat to the cold night air outside Kanaya’s room.
When at last they were satisfied both to completion, Rose allowed herself to fall asleep in Kanaya’s arms. In the morning she made haste back to Roxy’s car, not bothering to brush off the layer of snow that had accumulated as they slept. Kanaya, mind heavy with the events of the previous night, struggled to remember which of her course materials she would need for the day, before it finally occurred to her that it was Sunday. She toppled back into bed, still basking in the glow of what had transpired, savoring the lingering scent of Rose’s perfume still embedded in her sheets.
She had meant every word. She was not afraid. Not so long as she had Rose.
“Thank you for bringing this to my attention, Mr. Ampora. I assure you, we will get to the bottom of this matter posthaste.”
“Thank you, Mr. Zahhak.” Cronus grabbed his leather jacket from the coat tree in the dean’s office before exiting.
Horuss paged his assistant with the intercom mounted on his desk. “Miss Leijon, arrange a meeting with the faculty advisory committee at once.” He stood and turned to the filing cabinet behind him, opening its second drawer.
“Topic for discussion?” came the reply over the intercom.
“Reports of lewd conduct on campus,” said Horuss, searching through the filing drawer. “And a potential breach of our student admission agreement’s morality clause.”
He withdrew two file folders: Lalonde, Rose and Maryam, Kanaya.