Chapter Text
The familiar scent of sex and regret musked the cluttered dorm room, that sticky odious feeling upon Kuroo’s dirtied skin accompanying it. He hadn’t done anything for a while, so it was fair to say he was a little more than sore, especially with a beast like Lev going at it.
Kuroo and Lev had the odd emotionless fling here and there, usually when they’re bored, stressed, bored and stressed or just horny as hell. Turns out it wasn’t those sexual hormones driving Kuroo up the wall for all those weeks, because if that was the case why did he feel so fucking awful?
And most of all, why was he still thinking about Bokuto?
I’m so fucked.
Kuroo searched for his phone blindly on the bedside table, eventually finding it and allowing the screen to vanquish the darkness of the early hours of the morning. 5 AM. Lev was still snoring soundly beside him so Kuroo had the opportunity to get away without having to speak.
Having a bedhead like Kuroo did, one would think there wasn’t a difference between his usual hair to his after sex hair. Well, those who knew him knew that sex hair, so Kuroo made a futile attempt to tidy— okay, not tidy, but sort it out to the best of his ability to make it look like the mess it usually was.
Thankfully, his entire dorm was still knocked out to oblivion. Kuroo padded carefully up the two flights of stairs it took to get to his room and crashed out like a spent old vehicle on his bed, sprawled with his limbs all over the place as he let the exhaustion fill his weary bones. He was just so tired. Kuroo had a couple hours to sleep before he needed to get up and face one of many treacherous tests he’d been dreading and pulling his hair out over for the past week.
It still felt like he hadn’t done enough to prepare for it however.
Ah, who fucking cares at this point. For now, Kuroo just felt like dying.
This was college, there wasn’t room to get all dramatic and whiny over dumb crushes and feelings. Fuck it, Kuroo needed to focus on his damn work more before he really starts fucking up.
No room for feelings.
There was still a sandwich sat in the fridge longer than Kuroo had even known Bokuto, so he needed to get over it.
It should be easy, so fucking easy.
But why isn’t it?
There it was. The last test— or the last one until a few months time. It almost felt good, until Kuroo reminded himself that he did shit. He mentally beat himself up for slacking so hard, he should have studied more, he shouldn’t have distracted himself with Bokuto.
He honestly wanted to die right now. Kuroo couldn’t even say his life was bad enough to validate wanting to leap in front of a train but hey, that’s what he was good at doing. Complaining about his perfect life. Lots of people have actual reasons for being miserable.
Kuroo gritted his teeth as he left the room, keeping his gaze down and only just catching the greetings from Daichi, Oikawa and Iwaizumi. He gave a brief nod before he excused himself in a hurry, crashing through the heavy bathroom doors and hauling up nothing but burning bile against the bottom of the toilet bowl.
“Damn, hungover or ate something bad?”
That voice— oh shit.
“Bo?” Kuroo croaked through his shredded and raw throat, listening to the heavy steps outside of the cubicle stall.
“You okay bro?”
“Uh— yeah just… I think I did really fucking shit,” he admitted, voice bouncing off the sides of the vomit smeared toilet bowl. “Sorry, I’ll come out later, you don’t have to wait around.”
Truth was he wanted to hurl some more, that nauseous feeling twisting up his gut painfully and the lack of contents in his stomach leaving his head to go light and fuzzy, accompanied by a deafening ringing in his ears.
There was a few moments of silence, and Kuroo almost thought Bokuto had left until he heard the click of the cubicle door. Bokuto peeked his head in and furrowed his brows at Kuroo's hunched over form.
“Dude come on, you didn’t have breakfast,” he noted quietly, tone serious and firm which was strange against Bokuto’s usually cheery vocals.
Kuroo felt a comforting warmth with the weight of Bokuto’s hand on his back, focussing on that feeling helped a little with the storm going on in his stomach.
“Need to throw up some more or ready to get up?”
He stilled in thought for a moment, still feeling blindingly sick but there was probably nothing left to come up. “Think I’m done…”
On cue, Bokuto moved his other hand under Kuroo’s arm, heaving his trembling frame up slowly to prevent another wave of vomit. He held his hand on Kuroo for a few moments longer before Kuroo gave him the all clear nod that he could stand, though he honestly was still pretty unsteady so he had to lean on the cubicle walls for support.
“Sorry,” Kuroo mumbled.
“What for? Come on let’s go fatten you up! Fuck that test, I’m sure you did great with all that studying, chill bro.” Bokuto frowned and put his hand back on Kuroo. “And I’m not letting you go until you get some color back in your face, you look like you’re gonna pass out.”
Kuroo forced a stunted laugh. “Feel like it too, to be honest.”
Bokuto dragged Kuroo to the campus cafeteria and grabbed a hefty amount of food to help Kuroo get back to his normal self again, as well as to quell his own monstrous appetite.
“Now with that nightmare out the way… think we’ll be able to hang out more?” Bokuto asked with gleaming hopefulness in his endearing gaze.
How could Kuroo reject that face? Of course he wanted to hang out with Bokuto, but God he didn’t realize how hard to was to ignore his nuisance of a mind— or more like his heart. Probably my dick. “Yeah man, been a while since we’ve hung out during this whole test bullshit.”
“I know right! Say, someone’s having a party tonight, we should totally go yeah?”
“You don’t even have to ask me that,” Kuroo snorted. “I could really use a shot or 20.”
“Preach,” Bokuto mumbed around the cup against his lips. “Get equally as fucked as last time?”
“Maybe without the nearly getting arrested part.”
“Aw but that was the best part!”
What happened next Kuroo did not see coming whatsoever, and still didn’t really process what was happening when Bokuto’s hand grabbed Kuroo’s face with his own face leaning in close and looking thoroughly gobsmacked.
“Dude?! You have your tongue pierced?”
Oh, right. Kuroo managed to breathe again and stuck his tongue out at Bokuto to show off the gleaming titanium through the pink flesh. “Uh-huh, and it’s good for many things,” he teased while disregarding the heat building within his ears.
Bokuto howled in laughter and let his hand go slack and fall from Kuroo’s face, the warmth lingering and Kuroo’s skin longing for that touch to return. “Bro, you so gotta show me one day!” He winked, and boy did that kill Kuroo right then and there.
Fuck my life.
The ring of the alarm barely reached past Kuroo’s ears, nuisance of a sound washed away behind the weary fog clouding his senses. Was it morning already? Wasn’t he supposed to go to a party last night?
Kuroo reached over to his phone with a groan, squinting with his almost blinded vision at the luminous screen before him. 6 PM. A nap that went a little too deep and now the sleep was deeply embedded into Kuroo down to the bone.
He wanted to just curl up under the covers and go back into a slumber close enough to death— until he noticed the wall of messages below the time he’d been staring at for 5 minutes. Attached to those hectic messages were, of course, Bokuto’s name.
Bokuto [16:23 PM]: hey bro im textin u so it looks like im doin somethin
Bokuto [16:24 PM]: yes hi how are u
Bokuto [16:24 PM]: ye im doin great thx 4 askin
Bokuto [16:26 PM]: totally not spyin on kaashi and kenmas date rn
Bokuto [16:29 PM]: u should be here this is great omg
Bokuto [16:31 PM]: omg
Bokuto [16:31 PM]: dude they getting really close????
Bokuto [16:32 PM]: DUUUDE
Bokuto [16:32 PM]: THEYRE HOLDIN HANDS AND SHIT
Bokuto [16:34 PM]: so intimate
Bokuto [16:35 PM]: feels like im watching porn holy fuck
What the fuck indeed. Kuroo snorted into the covers, scrolling further down the seemingly never ending wall.
Bokuto [16:38 PM]: hey but dude how u feeling after this morning? U okay right?
Bokuto [16:39 PM]: kenma said u usually puke when u stress out
Bokuto [16:41 PM]: i mean not like u can help it but RELAX BRO
Bokuto [16:42 PM]: IM GONNA MAKE SURE U HAVE THE BEST NIGHT 2NIGHT OK?
Bokuto [16:44 PM]: we gonna get rlly fkin wasted and rlly fked up that we wont b able to speak or walk or even see
Bokuto [16:44 PM]: probs not even breathe aka lets die
Bokuto [16:45 PM]: its gonna be fun so dont stress buddy ♥
There are many ways to show someone you give a shit about them, and Bokuto’s way sure did stretch Kuroo’s lips into a stupidly wide toothy grin. Out of all the things to make Kuroo smile like that, he didn’t expect it to be the guy he has a painful crush over. Honestly he expected more tears and ice cream because God knows that crushes suck.
Perhaps this was all the more reason Kuroo thought he should start looking more towards his tightening friendship with Bokuto rather than whine and complain about a crush. A crush that will pass if he gave it enough time, because Kuroo felt like he’d die if he gave up a friendship like his and Bokuto’s.
Kuroo never had a problem with making and keeping friends, he was quite the social expert to some extent. But this particular friendship that grew rapidly and bloomed way before spring even came into play. It felt…
Free.
Maybe this was the so called ‘bromance’ everyone craved, because if that was the case Kuroo could see why.
Voices grew somewhere behind the walls, eventually drawing closer to his door. One of them he could make out clearly with the first syllable spoken, erratic and boisterous; Bokuto. The other, much calmer, rather bored in fact or just indifferent, similarly to Kenma. Kuroo assumed that was Akaashi.
“Bokuto-san, you’re being too loud—”
“Where is it?! Uuugh that has literally everything in it!”
“Like what? A few coins? Don’t tell me you actually had money in there.”
“Pfffff no— but, ID? All my points cards? My gym entry card?!”
By the sounds of it, Bokuto lost his wallet. Kuroo tried hard to hold a snicker off but it really wasn’t surprising he lost it, considering he was the one guy to always get locked out of his room from losing his key.
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“Obviously.”
“What about your jacket pockets?”
Silence. Kuroo hadn’t realized he already left the bed and was pressing his face against his door to listen in.
“Oh.”
That snort was definitely heard through the door, and the suspicion was confirmed when Bokuto’s heavy and hasty steps stomped over to Kuroo’s door.
“Shut up Kuroo!”
He swung the door open with that shit-eating grin of his, fatigue still weighing his lids down further than the usual heavy lidded stare Kuroo had. “You’re useless without Akaashi.”
“He is isn’t he,” Akaashi groaned, turning to make his exit. “Don’t lose your wallet again, I’ll see you later.”
Bokuto dragged a hand over his face as he stared at his wallet tragically. “I literally spent an hour in the library looking for this fucker because I thought I left it there.”
“Dumbass,” Kuroo chuckled, voice just catching on a single dozing vocal cord.
“You just woke up?”
“Uh— yeah, sorry didn’t answer your messages, I just saw them.”
“That’s cool man!”
Without warning, Bokuto had already pushed past Kuroo and leaped onto his bed, making himself pretty much at home. Kuroo’s eyebrow twitched as he huffed a laugh. “Dude, off. I gotta make the bed.”
“C’mon, just join me and watch Netflix for a bit, I’m bored!”
Netflix ‘n chill or what? After a long moment of trying to muster up an excuse to not sit that exceptionally close to Bokuto, on a bed most of all, Kuroo gave up and dropped himself down on the bed beside Bokuto and reached for his laptop to open up Netflix.
Being this close— hell they were actually squashed up beside each other from Bokuto’s muscle weight sinking the bed and causing Kuroo to lean more into him, Bokuto sure felt hot. It was comforting and nice, though Kuroo had to stop himself from full on snuggling against him and soaking up all that warmth for his freezing self.
If he just shut off his anxious thoughts over the situation for just a moment, Kuroo felt like he could stay like that forever.
“Still asleep?” Bokuto asked, interrupting Kuroo’s drifting mind. He snapped his head towards Bokuto and raised a brow.
“Sluggish,” Kuroo admitted. “Long naps are the worst to wake up from.”
“Yeah, but they feel better than those bullshit 10 minute naps people swear by in the long run— like what the fuck, it takes me like 30 mins to just get my eyes to shut!”
“Right? Those people who fall asleep in like 5 seconds aren’t human.”
“Hey, my shoulder’s free if you’re not done waking up yet.”
Wait, what?
When Kuroo hesitated for the few seconds too long, Bokuto already took it upon himself to yank Kuroo onto his shoulder for him. This was definitely more comfortable than leaning his head back against the wall but— what the fuck?
“Better, right? Don’t be shy, we’re bros now!”
Shut up and accept it, yeah. “Uh-huh, watch out for drool.”
“Pffff I didn’t say go back to sleep, I just said wake up properly!”
“Well now being given a top class pillow, waking up for now just isn’t an option.”
They laughed together and went on to talk about T.V shows they’ve watched and what they haven’t watched along with more scrolling aimlessly on Netflix rather than watching something. Eventually, they found a show to watch but still did more talking than paying attention to what was going on, Kuroo’s head still comfortably rested against Bokuto’s warm shoulder.
Holy fuck, Kuroo realized he was leaning his head on Bokuto like some cute couple shit. Well, he knew that anyway but it still didn’t hit him all in one go. Though, Bokuto said himself, they’re just bros.
That word was going to haunt Kuroo until the day he died, probably even beyond that when he’s wallowing in self pity down all the way in hell.
Over the next few minutes, Kuroo was gradually curling up closer to Bokuto, knees raised and leaned up against his personal radiator at that point. God, Bokuto was so warm, so comfy, why they hell couldn’t he have this guy when he’s suffering at night all alone?
Kuroo glanced down to realize he was quite literally hugging Bokuto’s arm— oh shit. But he hadn’t said anything yet? Probably too awkward to, I should let go…
“See, I’m comfy,” Bokuto smirked, glancing down at Kuroo. “You’re such a cat, all curled up and shit.”
“I’m cold,” he spat, pouting slightly. “Was, cold. I think you’re making me sweat now.”
In more ways than he could imagine.
“Told you, I radiate heat!”
Kuroo would have liked to stay like that and forget about the party they were suppose to go to later that evening. But all good things came to an end.
The familiar scratching, irritation, annoyance rattling around in his head. Kuroo felt increasingly more fidgety and his headache today was almost blinding. He prayed it would just all wash away and clinging onto Bokuto would be enough to ignore it all but…
He let go.
“I uh… I’m gonna go shower and shit, you can wait in here if you want,” Kuroo mumbled, glancing away from Bokuto who only looked at him in that confused manner of his.
“Oh right, sure. I think I’ll go get ready too, text me when you’re out?”
“Yeah, will do.”
Once Bokuto left the room, he apparently took all the light and warmth with him. It felt bleak and dreary, the desolating chill creeping back in like it belonged there. Kuroo pushed past the throbbing ache behind his eyes and the growing emptiness in his chest to open his drawer, grabbing the bottle for a couple of pills to throw back in habit.
Because every ounce of his hope laid within those damn orange little shits to feel something close to alive.
Contrary to his last night drinking, Kuroo pushed a little more effort into how he dressed this time. Maybe not a drastic improvement but it looked a little more like he cared rather than he just woke up like that.
Though, who the hell was he trying to impress anyway?
Kuroo decided right there and then that he was going to pull. Hell, he’ll even wingman Bokuto if it came to that. But fuck it, tonight was the night Kuroo would take a second swing at just fucking his way out of those god awfully crushing emotions of his. May it be girl or guy, anyone would do.
Instead of the usual loose clothing Kuroo found himself comfortable in, he opted for a more figure hugging sweater, black and casual paired with the usual ripped skinnies and Doc Martens boots. Still slightly half assed, but it was better than plainly dressing for comfort. If Kuroo was honest with himself, he was a little self-conscious of his figure.
But no one needed to know that. As far as anyone knew, he was the most confident guy around.
Kuroo finally came around to making an appearance in the dorm kitchen, catching Bokuto’s attention almost instantly.
He gave a low whistle of appreciation, jeweled gaze trailing over Kuroo almost in way that he was— checking him out? “Man, I knew you were a skinny shit but look that that model body!”
Kuroo’s cough morphed into a nervous laugh as he reached the back of his head sheepishly. “I think beefcake bodies like yours are far more appreciated these days.”
“I mean, dude we’re going to McDonald’s tonight to fatten you up, but for now I’ll appreciate that you look awesome. Girls around here would kill for your sharp edges. And fuckin’ hell, legs for days. But I already knew you had pretty legs.”
Hah, girls. “Callin’ me a girl now huh?” He teased with a twitch in his brow.
“The hottest one on campus,” Bokuto winked.
Kuroo honestly couldn’t tell if Bokuto was being so blatantly gay right now or this was just all in the area of ‘bros’. Whatever, he’ll take it for now because he couldn’t deny it felt good.
Paired with the usual craving for a cigarette was the gnawing anxiety over the predicament Kuroo had with his whole situation with Bokuto. He had absolutely no clue how he was suppose to act anymore, especially when he goes and shoots those kind of… comments, his way. He even mulled over a way to slide in the fact he was bisexual and perhaps it would scare off Bokuto from saying things like that.
Or, do what any guy would do and Bokuto would only add fuel to the fire for shits and giggles.
Come to think of it, Bokuto never specified he was straight, right? Kuroo shook his head, because knowing his own pathetic luck, he probably was.
Would it hurt to ask?
Definitely. Imagine if he was indeed and the most likely scenario would be that he’s straight? Would he be grossed out? Would he feel weird around another guy who had the potential to want to fuck him? Potential, funny.
There was only 100% certainty in that.
Kuroo managed, only just barely, to keep himself more or less together as the night made a swift kick off. Drinks were going and the music was a pleasure to get lost within during those hazy hours of intoxication. It was going well, so Kuroo blocked off everything silently eating away at him, or at least blocked off the feeling.
It was still there, consuming, chewing, tearing at him. Such a petty situation ripping up his insides, what for?
Why am I so fucking dramatic.
“Right, time for us to get laid,” came that familiar teasing voice, those very vocals Kuroo didn’t feel like hearing just then. “You uh… Which way you swing?”
Kuroo blinked, processing the question for a few moments too long. It was easy to just say he was bisexual to anyone that happened to ask, but to Bokuto it was another story.
Fuck it, Kuroo was prepared for his life to go to hell anyway. “Both! Why not dip into both worlds huh,” he grinned, however strained and forced.
A gaping void opened in the pit of Kuroo’s stomach upon levelling his eyes to rest on Bokuto’s rather horrified countenance. So he is disgusted after all, totally regretting sitting so close to me.
I’m so disgusting, it isn’t right anyway, why the fuck did I turn out like that I should have just said I was straight what the fuck—
“W-wingman me bro,” Kuroo blurted, halting his thoughts from spiralling out of control and preventing them from reaching his stomach. God, he knew better than anyone that his mind alone was perfectly capable of making him hurl.
“—Yeah! Course, I uh—” Bokuto looked lost, a little confused and some other mixture of emotions Kuroo couldn’t associate with anything other than regret. Regret for getting close with a queer.
Goodbye to this friendship after all.
“What you feelin’ tonight, sausage or buns?”
Kuroo, under normal circumstances, would laugh at the usage of words, but he could only give an empty snort. “Either will do…”
A few moments were spared to awkwardness as the two shifted around where they stood, gulping down their drinks to fill the void widening between them. After a certain amount of time had passed, Kuroo couldn’t bare it.
“Yeah I’m just— going to the bathroom.”
He turned on his heel before Bokuto had the chance to fit anything in, not that Kuroo expected him to. He probably just wanted him gone.
On his hurried, not to mention sloppy journey to the bathroom of bumps and bangs into various guests, he ran into a vaguely familiar face within that hazy field of vision of his. All those shots really wasn’t on his side of luck that moment.
Who was he kidding, he most definitely knew that particular snake.
“Ugh,” was all Kuroo could force himself to sound, receiving that every so cocky smirk off the other.
“Well, well. Still pathetically alone and miserable, Kuroo?”
“How’s Mika?” Kuroo taunted, earning that much expected scowl off the shorter male. “Ah poor Daishou, never know how to keep the fire lit huh? What happened this time, bored of that laughable twig of yours?”
“Laugh all you want, at least I can get someone.”
“For a glimpse of a moment!” Kuroo sang, stretching out that mockingly amused grin of his. It fell quickly however, into that indifferent glare laced with exasperation. “Move, you’re in the way.”
“Always so cold with me,” he huffed. “I’m miserable, you’re most definitely miserable, let’s do what we do best!”
Kuroo rolled his eyes with a gradual curl to the corner of his lips. “I’m not fucked up enough to agree to that yet, Daishou.”
“Yet,” he echoed with a grin. “Come on, fancy doin’ a couple of lines with me?”
Daishou motioned his head towards the bathroom, the location Kuroo was aiming for to begin with. He stood his ground for a moment, reluctantly stealing a glance over his shoulder.
A regrettable decision.
Bokuto was busy chatting with some girl, auburn hair and a dozy look to her features. She was attractive, Kuroo couldn’t deny that, but the emerald envy seething beneath his skin was almost agonizing.
With a few nods to himself, Kuroo turned back towards Daishou. “Yeah, whatever.”
When straight lines turned to waves, stairs turned to slopes and sense of direction went out the window, it’s a good enough indication that you were totalled. Staying with Daishou wasn’t a particularly sunshine and butterflies idea seeing as the morning after would only be all the more tragic, Kuroo decided he needed to get back to his own room.
Boy, did it take a while.
Sight being hindered next to total blindness and heart racing very nearly out of his chest, Kuroo was 10 seconds away from being certain he was going to die. And if he was to die that night, he’d prefer to do it in the comfort of his bed.
Eventually, he found his way back to the dorm, struggling horrendously at just getting through the door and making it into the lit up kitchen. He didn’t think twice about there still being other people cooling down from that house party, nor did Kuroo really give a shit.
Until he noticed that recognizable two-toned hairstyle still lingering in the early hours.
“You can’t sulk here all night, eat this and drink water or you’re asking for an awful hangover—”
“But he went oooooffff with another guy, he’s not fuckin’ interested I fuckin’ hate my life why the fuck does everthin’ suck,” he slurred, flushed face pressed against the kitchen table with Akaashi beside him comforting him with a hand on his back.
With Kuroo’s fried and screwed senses and brain at the moment, he didn’t really understand what the hell was going on. He even very nearly burst out with the usual greeting they usually did before he remembered—
Bokuto was definitely grossed out by him.
Before Kuroo had the chance to sneak by unnoticed— not like he’d succeed at sneaking in the first place due to his noisy stumbling, the two figures at the table snapped their attention in his direction.
“Kuroo?” Bokuto managed, and oh god was he crying? Big beefcake like him was crying?
With that bubble in his voice and snotty face, Kuroo was caught right off guard and managed to stump his toe on some nearby furniture. “Ow fuck— heeeey uh… had a good night?”
Dumb question.
The wide glassy gaze off the owl held onto to Kuroo for a while longer before he retreated back into the crook of his arm. “T’was mmg—ood.”
Kuroo assumed he meant to say something along the lines of ‘good’.
Disregarding the skull piercing steel glare off Akaashi, Kuroo excused himself and dragged his dozing limbs up to his dorm room. Man did it hurt to see Bokuto upset, and Kuroo wanted nothing more than to comfort him himself—
But it was likely a drunken emotional bout from a failed one night romance. A one night romance that wasn’t Kuroo.
Since when did he become such a bitter, rotten thing? Kuroo didn’t know, and didn’t care. It hurt too much to care these days.
Kenma raised his sharp glare towards Kuroo as he stumbled over to his bed, drawing his brows together at the little amount of words spoken.
“So I asked Akaashi about Bokuto for you,” he started, the words trailing right over Kuroo’s head.
“Uh-huh…” Kuroo mumbled into his pillow, the world around him still spinning and his restlessness remaining through the roof. Wow he felt fucked up.
“You have a chance you know, he’s gay.”
Maybe the words didn’t quite reach his ears, explaining the reason Kuroo hadn’t reacted or even flinch at the revelation.
“Um, did you hear me?”
Kuroo wished he didn’t, oh how he wished so badly.
Fuck.