Chapter Text
Voltron’s Heat Ray Strikes Space Hollywood!
A fiery romance sparks between co-stars Lance McClain and Keith Kogane?
By Phsizzle Kitt
Lance McClain is the guy on everyone’s mind. He’s new, he’s hot, and he’s in. But word of a upcoming star just hit the pavement in Space Hollywood. Yesterday, Keith Kogane was cast as Lance’s love interest in the soon to be released movie: A Lion’s Roar dir. Pilup Pent. The two costars signed their fate with an incredibly steamy on-camera kiss during the audition (ref. video 1.). According to my sources, this isn’t the first time they’ve held each other close! My senses tell me that Keith and Lance have a just as steamy relationship off screen as they do on. Lance has been found saying on numerous occasions of how he’d love to “stick [Keith] in [my] wormhole.” It doesn’t get hotter than that. Keith, a more private man, has been known for the fond looks he always sends Lance’s way (see attached picture 1, picture 2, picture 3, picture 4). Can’t you just feel the love in Space Hollywood tonight? I’m sweating over here! When we reached out to their representatives, we were given this statement:
“The Paladins of Voltron’s one goal is to defend the universe and bring peace. Any other matters concerning what they do in their free time is solely of their own. Please respect their privacy.”
Secrets secrets are no fun. Luckily, an inside source had a little juicier scoop. When asked about their relationship, a certain paladin said:
"Keith and Lance? Hah, sure."
You decide readers! Are Lance and Keith hot for each other, or is this writer just spewing some wishful thinking? Either way, I’ll be first in line for A Lion’s Roar release!
Keith stared at the screen in front of him. He gritted his teeth together, glaring at the text, willing it to disappear.
No such luck.
He leaned back into the chair, still as stiff as a board. Had Lance read this yet?
A piercing shriek from the corner of the castle confirmed that he had.
“PIDGE! WAS IT YOU?”
Keith tensed up as he heard the footsteps come closer. Lance skidded into the room.
“GREMLIN! WHERE ARE YOU HIDING-“ He stopped short as soon as he saw Keith. A small glance between Keith and the computer confirmed his suspicious,“You already-?”
Keith sat up and cleared his throat, “…yeah.”
Lance nodded slowly, refusing to make eye contact. He pursed his lips and backed out of the room, almost running into the wall in the process. As soon as Keith was out of sight, he continued running down the hallway, “PIDGE! DEMON! SHOW YOURSELF!”
Keith listened as Lance’s footsteps hurried away. Everything had continued to be incredibly awkward since yesterday. Right after they had both been taken to the nearest hospital, and the doctor had explained just how incredibly high Lance currently was, barely a word had been exchanged between them. Occasionally, Keith would catch Lance staring at him, and vice versa, but beyond that, a vow of silence had been set. It was for the greater good.
The kiss was just… stuck in his mind. He wasn’t even sure what had happened there. He thought maybe it had something to do with his competitiveness, and when Lance had refused to step down, why should he? And then that scene just escalated. Really quickly. And, before Keith even realized it, he was throwing up and Lance was dead on the ground.
Keith slumped back in his chair. Against his better judgment, he scrolled through the comment section.
picklemepink says:
i want them both to come into my house and murder me
stildeadpleasedonttouch says:
they came to save my planet and literally the whole time they just flirted
happytobenothere says:
my friend was on set and she said keith vomited- lance has really bad breath maybe?
lanceisreallycool replied:
he doesn’t thats a lie. keith vomited because the poison from his mullet has finally reached his brain
happytobenothere replied:
i think keith’s hair is hot
lanceisreallycool replied:
oh no the poison’s affecting you too please go see a medic
picklemepink replied:
i want them both to poison me
Lance gripped the pages in his hands, scanning the room. The actors sat together in a roundtable, all looking at him, deadly silent. One of them chewed on a piece of kale, the crunching slicing into the air.
“I’m not-,” he leaned closer to Pilup and lowered his voice. “You seriously want me to say this?”
Pilup turned an eye his direction, “T-this is a read-through. The instructions are-are in the name, Lance.”
The paladin slouched in his chair and focused on the words on the page. Keith was sitting directly in front of him, staring at the same exact words. They started blurring together, the nonsense blending into more nonsense. He mumbled the line under his breath.
“Louder,” Pilup said.
Lance sighed. In the most unenthusiastic voice he could manage, Lance recited the line, “You are the sand… and I am the ass-crack. We are inseparable, always finding the other, despite the world trying to keep us apart.” Lance slumped lower into his seat, not daring to glance at Keith. A few of the actresses sighed lovingly.
“It’s so dreamy,” one of them whispered.
Keith gulped. In an equally annoyed tone, Keith read, “The butterflies in my stomach are… frolicking.” Lance snorted, quickly evolving his laughs to coughs. Pilup gave him a look.
“Oh, how I wish I could… nuzzle… every single one of those perfect butterflies,” he coughed again. “Those beautiful, stomach acid-covered butterflies.”
“They are dripping no longer with stomach acid… but with- ugh, desire,” Keith said.“I need you, Lance. The butterflies need you.”
“Oh my god, Pilup,” Lance turned to the director. “No one actually talks like this! Why can’t they just say they want to bone and be done with it!”
Keith rolled his eyes, “I don’t know. These lines sound a lot like you trying to pick up some random alien.”
Lance twisted his mouth, “I’d like to pick up your face and chuck it into outer-space.”
“You’re just upset because your character is madly in love with my character. It’s okay Lance, try to separate fantasy from reality.”
“Lance doesn’t give two shits about Keith. He just thinks K- your character is hot or whatever,” Lance sneered. “I guess he’s now blind- I’m actually making that a character choice: Lance is now blind.”
“If he’s blind, then how does he shoot a gun?” Keith leaned back in his chair.
“He’s uh, just has really good echolocation.”
Keith nodded slowly, “Yup. That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. Just admit it, your character is insanely in love with my character.”
Pilup held up both of his hands, motioning for silence, “From now on, whenever you refer to your characters, you will use first-person.” Pilup turned to Lance. “N-now, Lance, why don’t you want to admit that you’re in love with K-Keith?”
Lance sat up and grabbed the pages, “I think we were on page seventy-eight? Right? I’ll start with my line-”
Pilup shook his head and took the pages from Lance, “Those words are garbage. Why don’t we do a little improv?”
“Oh god, no,” one of the actors groaned. Pilup ignored them.
“L-Lance, Keith, I want you both to stand n-n-next to each other.”
Slowly, and unwillingly, they complied, all while managing to avoid any eye contact.
“We’re going to play a little game,” Pilup grinned. “I want you b-b-both to take turns telling the other what you like about them.”
Lance turned to Pilup, “Do you want this in-character? Because I seriously doubt I can-”
“I w-want this interaction to be between Lance McClain and Keith Kogane.”
“Shit,” Lance crossed his arms.
Pilup sat back in his chair and gestured towards them, “L-Lance, since you have so many opinions about this, w-w-w-why don’t you start?”
Lance scratched the back of his head. He could think of a couple things he sorta liked about Keith, but those were somewhat embarrassing. He wouldn’t say any of that pussy shit to Keith in a million years. Keith would take it too seriously and would probably topple over from the size of his head. How would they be able to form Voltron then?
“I like… the way… you sometimes take a shower. It’s nice not having to wear a gas mask every day,” Lance smiled as some giggles from the actors bubbled up. Pilup huffed.
“Not really the point of this. Also, you both must maintain eye contact.”
Lance groaned, meeting eyes with Keith. It was… awkward. Usually, when Keith was giving Lance his undivided attention, they were in an argument at each other’s throats. But, now, Keith was looking at him, both not saying anything. It was like Lance had complete permission to finally study Keith without feeling like he was crossing a line or something. He could stare into his striking purple eyes, or memorize the slant of his nose, or the shape of his eyebrows. Yeah, he could do all that and not feel weird about it. Because he was supposed to, right? He was supposed to look at Keith’s lips and… just… look at them.
“Your turn, asshat,” Lance muttered, quietly enough that only Keith would hear him. Keith scanned his face for a moment, opening his mouth then closing it.
After a couple of seconds, Keith spoke, “I really love the way that no matter how many times you get rejected, and you get rejected a lot, you always find the courage and delusion to hit on Allura.”
Lance gritted his teeth, “Oh yeah? Well, I love the way you just never think things through and do whatever the fuck you want, getting us almost killed.”
Keith snarled, “Really? I love the way you can barely form a cohesive thought. It’s amazing! How do you even function?”
Lance sputtered, “Well- I love the way you- you just- you know what? Fuck you!”
“Fuck you!”
“Enough!” Pilup yelled. The two were standing inches apart, breathing heavily, red flames licking the corners of their eyes. “This is obviously n-not working, and- you know. I think we’ve done enough t-today. Everyone, except Keith and Lance, go home.”
They both stepped away from the other, waiting as everyone shuffled quietly out of the room. Lance could feel his face heating up, he looked down at the floor and kicked at the carpet.
This was completely Keith’s fault. If he had just spoken up and said ‘Hey! I’m not Allura! Don’t kiss me!’, Lance would be staring into Allura’s eyes right now and whispering sweet nothings. Lance was probably infected with every other space virus from Keith's kiss. Who knew when the last time Keith took a shower was. God knows what was growing on that kid.
“Now, that w-was unfortunate,” Pilup scooted his chair closer to them and gestured for them to sit down. “I was really hoping we’d get the passion we got yesterday.”
“Well, I mean, I was drugged out of my mind,” Lance said, picking at his nails. He glanced up at Keith. What was his excuse?
“Hmm, as y-you keep reminding us,” Pilup looked at Keith, paused, then stood up. He went over to the mini-fridge in the corner. “D-do either of you want anything to drink?” They both shook their heads. Despite this, Pilup came back with three bright orange cans and handed one to each of them.
Lance flicked open the tab, enjoying the slight hiss of bubbles. He held the drink up to his lips, then paused. “No drugs?” Pilup laughed and shook his head. Lance gulped half the can down. Surprisingly enough, it tasted like blueberries and ginger.
Keith watched him, his lip curled as Lance wiped the drink off the back of his hand. Lance raised an eyebrow at him and turned to Pilup.
“So, what are we going to do? Some zip, zap, zop, or…?”
Pilup shook his head, “No, I don’t think that will accomplish much. Clearly, both of you have trouble with the truth. However, I have something a little more important to discuss with you. As of right now, you both are in a romantic relationship with the other.”
Keith choked on his drink, “What?!”
“What do you mean- we haven’t- it was like one! Kiss! That’s it! Nothing else happened!” Lance sputtered.
“C-clearly,” Pilup said. He began rummaging in the small bag next to him. “N-now, your goal of being here is to generate support for Voltron, to create as m-many alliances as p-possible. And, I have n-noticed that having an off-screen relationship is a catalyst for attention.”
“Y-yeah! But, there have to be other ways to-” Keith said, clutching the drink in his hand.
Pilup pulled out a yellow folder, “Yes, I’m sure there are. However, your manager Coran has already agreed and we drew up these c-contracts last night.” He placed two papers in front of them. Keith didn’t bother to look at the contract.
“Pilup, Lance and I- we can’t- you can’t seriously expect us to do this, can you? I mean, Lance can barely exist in the same timeline as me without screaming about his obsession with my hair!”
Lance lifted his face from the contract, “We get to do Saturday Fright Live? As a couple? Really?”
Keith gritted his teeth, “Lance, don’t get distracted. We’re not doing this.” Lance put down his contract, looking between Pilup and Keith.
“I mean, what would we have to do?” Lance said, glancing back at the contract. So many talk shows, so many opportunities to indulge in the raging narcissist starving inside him.
Pilup shrugged, “The contract goes into more specifics, but the main guidelines are ‘Don’t kill each other’. Pretty much, don’t do what you did today.”
“Do we have to, uh,” Lance cleared his throat. “… you know.”
Pilup turned a darker shade of green, “I- this is mainly for the public eye. I don’t know much about human customs, but, I don’t see how the media would find out about your… uh, repro-“
“KISSING. I MEANT DO WE HAVE TO KISS,” Lance quickly blurted out, his face now crimson. Keith blessed the heavens Lance’s mind hadn’t jumped immediately to that route.
“Ohhh, I mean. You have to kiss in the movie, I don’t see how this would be any different,” Pilup laughed nervously. “We’ll send you to a couple interviews. All you have to do is sit next to each other, and not act like the other person is the bane of your existence.”
“Easier said than done,” Keith grumbled. He looked over the contract. The perks were pretty good, and it would generate a lot of attention. Keith just wasn’t sure it was the attention he wanted. Especially from Lance.
“What are you- Keith, I am a fucking deLIGHT!” Lance said. Staring lasers into Keith’s eyes, Lance grabbed the contract and signed on the dotted line. “Just you fucking wait. I’m gonna be the best goddam boyfriend you’ve ever had.”
Keith snatched his contract from the table and did the same, “Fuck you, Lance.”
“Maybe later tonight, babe,” Lance winked.
Pilup took the contracts and smiled, “Save it for the cameras, boys.”