Chapter Text
The silence is killing him. Literally. Shinji is pretty sure that he is actually about to die, his chest hurts so bad. It kind of feels like his heart is suffocating. Like it’s been locked in an airtight vacuum, and it’s about to shrink in on itself, to shrivel until it’s gone. Then, his mind will envelop itself in fog from lack of blood flow, and he’ll just kind of dizzily float away. That way, he won’t have to deal with any of this anxiety. Yeah. That sounds pretty nice, actually. Accurate, too. The first time Shinji reaches out to someone, ever, and he just drops dead right then and there. Maybe Kaworu would attend his funeral.
Oh, god. That would suck, actually. He’d be so sad.
Eventually, his thoughts simmer out, and he’s left in his own silence. The silence that he created, that is, by confessing the fact that he’s in love with Kaworu- and it sounds like radio static. It’s silent, but there’s definitely something there. Like white noise. Kaworu’s hand had stilled a while ago at the back of his head, and Shinji’s leg is starting to fall asleep thanks to his awkward position, half sitting and half lying on the other boy’s lap.
He tries his hardest to stay frozen, to give Kaworu room to react (oh god, how is he going to react) but eventually he can’t help it, and his hands and wrists, which are still trapping fistfuls of a rain-scented shirt, start to shake.
“... Are you sure?”
And then Shinji pulls back, holding Kaworu at arm’s length and gaping at his unreadable expression.
“What do you mean, are you sure? What kind of question is that?” he starts, putting his weight on his knees so as to get a better look at the other boy’s face. He soon regrets this, however, as the sudden motion has his sleeping leg erupting in needles, and he lands flat on the ground once more, wrapping his hands around his shin. “Uuugh.”
“Are you alright?”
“Yeah, fine.” he gripes, glaring and punching at the limb in an attempt to get its feeling back. As he does this, Kaworu sets his piano aside in favor of drawing his knees toward himself.
The silence returns for a few long seconds as Shinji gets his mind in order once again. He tenses himself, and stares Kaworu in the face. “What was that supposed to mean?”
Kaworu gulps, and his gaze flits to the left, avoiding Shinji’s stare. His cheeks are a little pink, and from the wobbling of his mouth Shinji would have to guess that he’s biting his lip. For just a split second, their eyes meet again, before Kaworu resigns himself fully to gazing at the wall.
At this resolute atmosphere, Shinji feels his own face start to heat up, and he tenses up his shoulders.
“... You’re making me nervous, Kaworu-kun.”
“Sorry.” is the instant reply, and Shinji watches as the fair boy sets his palms atop his knees. “It’s just, I’m confused.”
Oh. Well, that would make sense. I did reject you pretty harshly, twice.
Shinji turns his own gaze to the carpet then, vehemently following its texture with his eyes.
“I thought that you didn’t feel that way.”
“It’s not that-” he takes a breath and resists the urge to slam his head onto the floor. “It’s not that I didn’t, uh- feel that way- it’s just… er...”
“Or, rather.” Kaworu continues. Shinji looks up in time to see his expression turn thoughtful, his eyes searching for something in the wall. “If you did, you were determined to not do anything about it. Which I understand. So I’m sorry if you felt pressured by me, I shouldn’t have said and done a lot of things.”
He wets his lips, before leveling his eyes with Shinji’s again.
“I shouldn’t have pried.” he breathes, face reddening further as he curls in on himself.
Shinji’s lips part, and he feels his face twitch in bewilderment. “Are you kidding me?”
Kaworu blinks, tensing even more.
“Is that what I made you think you were doing?” Shinji goes on, nose scrunching in distaste at himself. “I’m sure I’ve said this before, but you didn’t do anything wrong, Kaworu-kun.”
“But I did!” the other boy blurts. “I knew how you wanted things to be, and yet I let myself act out of line.”
At this point, Shinji isn’t even sure he’s the one speaking anymore. It feels like his mouth is moving on its own. “No, I’m stubborn and dumb and I needed you to do that, probably.” Kaworu frowns, and Shinji ignores it. Through his nose he sucks in a big puff of air, and, “The point is, I…” Shinji shudders and he can feel liquid trepidation flooding into his spine, but thanks to the uncertain look on Kaworu’s face, he’s able to keep talking. “I, I do love you. And I’m really happy to have been able to say it. And, you’re the reason I feel strong enough to say it in the first place.” And it feels like something is growing and blooming in his chest. As if literal flowers are about to explode out of his still-beating heart.
Somewhere within the downward spiral of his thoughts, he remembers that he’s not alone. Shinji looks forward once again to find a familiar pair of widened red eyes.
“... Oh.” Kaworu murmurs. Shinji watches as he then proceeds to raise his hands and fumble a bit, as if he doesn’t know what to do with himself. Then, he puts them back down, and it’s quiet. Shinji’s unabashed happiness from before feels weaker now. It’s still there, but it’s not quite so overwhelming. He remembers that it’s his fault that things turned out this way. That it’s his fault Kaworu is confused.
“... And,” Shinji starts again. “I’m so glad I met you. Being with you makes me happy, even if I’m bad at showing it.”
Kaworu bunches up his shoulders and simpers. He lets out a weird breath that might be a laugh. “I feel the same, even if I show it far too much.”
Shinji nods, trying not to grin. His vision blurs, and he’s not sure why. “So,” he tries, fails, takes a breath, and tries again. “So, I don’t expect you to forgive me, and we haven’t even known each other for a year yet, but thank you for letting me be by your side.”
Shinji watches as Kaworu’s eyelids lower and his gaze moves back to him from somewhere faraway. The pale boy opens his mouth and inhales, as though he’s about to say something, before he pauses and his eyes widen.
“Shinji-kun?”
Shinji blinks, furrowing his eyebrows. He’s really not sure why his vision is so blurry all of a sudden. Without thinking, he brings his wrists up to his face and wipes at his eyes.
“You’re crying.” Kaworu hurries, getting to his knees and shuffling to the other boy.
Oh, Shinji thinks, that’s why. He hadn’t even noticed. Kaworu frames his face with his hands, wiping the tears away with his thumbs. Shinji laughs a breathless laugh, shutting one eye as Kaworu wipes beneath it. This is just like that time in the mountains. Except this time, they can see each other clearly.
Kaworu frowns, biting his lip and wiping away every tear as soon as it appears. Shinji stares him right in the eyes as he does this, smiling despite the streams running down his cheeks.
“Hey, Kaworu-kun?”
Kaworu blinks. “Yes?”
“I don’t think I’ve ever told you this, but you have really pretty eyes.”
The pale boy freezes then, and a fresh tear falls down Shinji’s cheek, unhindered. Shinji stares into a pair of pretty red eyes, widened and trembling. He watches as Kaworu deflates, falling forward and resting his forehead on Shinji’s shoulder. Without really thinking, Shinji pats his back.
“Shinji-kun, are you trying to kill me?” Kaworu murmurs, and Shinji’s smile mellows out. He stares at the duvet behind Kaworu’s back.
It’s alright. Of course Kaworu wouldn’t accept his confession, not after all the pain he had caused him. This is fine. He’s just happy to have told him the truth. He’s happy to have aired his feelings and exposed himself. He’d be honored if Kaworu would simply let him continue to be by his side, but even that would be a luxury. No matter what, he’ll be happy with whatever outcome this brings. He’ll be happy even if Kaworu walks out the door here and now. He’s nervous, and he’s scared, but he’ll be happy.
“No, sorry.” he says simply. “I just felt like I finally needed to say it. You don’t have to do anything. You can go back to playing your song, or you could even walk out the door. Anything you want to do is fine with me, as long as it’s what will make you happy.”
Kaworu inhales a shaky pocket of air, before he laughs. He laughs, and he rubs his eyes on Shinji’s shoulder. Ah, he’s crying too.
“I thought…” Kaworu starts, before he stops himself. He hovers his hands around Shinji’s sides, as though once again unsure of what to do with himself. “... May I?”
Shinji snorts. “Whatever it is, you don’t even have to ask anymore.”
Kaworu offers a tiny, dry laugh, before wrapping his arms around Shinji’s middle and nosing his way into where neck meets shoulder. It makes Shinji freeze for a moment, but not in a bad way. Rather, the sparks falling down his spine he gets from cloudy, feathery strands of hair tickling below his jaw are foreign, and he doesn’t quite know what to do with them. He is quite sure he’s never been hugged so tightly in his life.
“I thought,” Kaworu continues with a tiny sniffle. “I thought that you didn’t want me around, because it only caused you pain. And I was alright with that. It was okay to distance myself from you, because it would make you happier in the end. Even if you felt that way about me, you didn’t want to, because you thought it was for the best. But on that day you hugged me, and I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t leave, even after I thought you had told me how you really felt.”
Shinji’s hands still, no longer patting him. Instead, he opts to focus on how warm Kaworu is against him as he listens to him talk.
“When it comes to you, I’ve never thought of my own happiness.” Kaworu says in a quiet voice. “I wondered why. I was always so entranced by the way you carry yourself. Whenever you were around, the only thing on my mind was to make you happy. In the end, I could never come up with a reason. It just was.”
Kaworu’s breath fans out on his neck, and Shinji shivers.
“Then, when we came back from the mountain, I realized it. It was because I love you. It’s terrible and I didn’t think it was even possible, but I realized that some part of me had always adored you, from the moment I laid eyes on you.”
Shinji bites his lip, squinting his eyes as a new gush of tears makes itself known behind his eyes. He buries himself in Kaworu’s other shoulder.
“So,” Kaworu goes on. “If you were to ask me about my own happiness, I think I would say that, your happiness is my happiness.”
Shinji tries to will the shaking away from his body, but he can’t. He’s laughing and crying at the same time, because he’s so stupid. He’s so, so stupid.
Kaworu pulls back, and Shinji, with new tears falling and soaking into the carpet, misses the contact. He sniffles, lip wobbling as Kaworu puts a gentle hand to his face and lifts him so that they’re looking each other in the eye again. Shinji’s heart stutters at how nice the pale boy looks despite the fact that he had just been crying; piercing, warm eyes rimmed red and squinted like a cat’s.
“Don’t cry.” he says in a voice so soft that to Shinji it is absolute comfort. “It’s all alright now.”
Shinji nods fervently, shutting his eyes tight and smiling dearly. He doesn’t think he’s ever felt so burdenless in his life. Kaworu wipes away more tears.
“Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?” he asks, and Shinji shakes his head, sniffling and grabbing ahold of Kaworu’s hand.
“Kaworu-kun, you’re misunderstanding again.” he laughs shakily, opening his eyes. “I’m already as happy as I can possibly be.”
His heart is somewhere in the air, beating wildly outside his body. Shinji hiccups, lifting his other hand to wipe at his own face. He misses the contact from just moments ago, when Kaworu was so close to him. He was so warm. “But…” he says, smiling impishly.
Kaworu tilts his head to the side, leaning forward. “But what?”
“But, I think, I would be really happy if you kissed me right now.” he says, cheeks turning redder than they already had been. His heart does a flip.
And, with a blink and a breathless laugh, Kaworu does.