Chapter Text
He knew there was something going on with Jungkook. And something bad at that. But what it was, now that was a more difficult question to answer.
At the start, it was just small things that sent alarm bells ringing in Tae’s mind, almost miniscule things where unless you really knew Jungkook, you wouldn’t suspect a damn thing. Things like him taking extra dance lessons in between their already busy schedule despite him having consistently nailed the choreography time and time again. Or staying out till ridiculous times in the gym to work out when Tae could clearly see Jungkook’s definition through his much too baggy clothing (not that he was looking or anything).
Or the one which definitely stung Taehyung the most- Jungkook was now taking every step necessary to actively avoid hugging one of the other members. He’d even stopped sleeping in the same bed as one of them at night, which they’ve all gotten used to (and admittedly enjoy) doing. And Tae could just not figure out why.
It had gotten to the point where he was constantly constructing mental lists in his mind, going through every possible scenario he could imagine in a vain attempt to explain what was happening.
And yet, nada. Nothing. Not even a baby step closer to the truth.
In all honesty, Taehyung could have merely asked him, and he knew this. But first and foremost, Jungkook was stubborn, unbelievably so, and so Tae knew that if he even hinted that he suspected something, Jungkook would close himself up tighter than a clam concealing a pearl.
And second, though he didn’t want to admit it, Tae was afraid. Afraid of what he’d find. Afraid that no one would believe him. Afraid that he’d had it all wrong this entire time and he was just being his usual, stupid, overdramatic self once again.
But then it gradually started getting worse. And Taehyung decided that he didn’t care if he was being overdramatic or was deathly afraid of this, because his worry levels were now sparking off the charts, and he had to do something before it hit breaking point. Anything. Because anyone with eyes could see that Jungkook was spiralling downwards, to a point almost out of reach.
After two weeks since he had first noticed the changes, Jungkook stopped eating with them, always making an excuse as to why he couldn’t have dinner that night, and everyone pretended not to notice the way Jin’s face would ever so slightly fall before putting on a smile and allowing him to leave.
It became such a regular occurrence that no one even questioned it after a few days, assuming he was going through something and needed some space and that he was eating other meals in private. Because no one wanted to even fathom the alternative.
After three weeks Jungkook hardly even spent time with any of them anymore, spending all of his efforts in the gym or in the studio or in his room in solitude, slowly but surely shutting them out one by one. And none of them liked it, and yet they couldn’t seem to stop it. They figured he would come to them if his problem was too big for him to handle.
By the beginning of the fourth week, Tae couldn’t take it anymore, and he was just itching to figure out what the hell was happening. Why Jungkook was hiding from them and why none of the other members were doing anything- why none of his hyungs were fucking doing anything!
So, he asked Jimin.
Walking up to the other member of the maknae line, he wrapped his arms tightly around Jimin’s waist and tucked his head gently into the corner of his neck, pulling him close. When Jimin turned slightly and saw who it was, he smiled and returned the favour, clasping his own hands around Taehyung’s and stroked his fingers slowly.
“What’s up, Taehyung-ah?” Jimin murmured. And Tae sighed, because Jimin always managed to somehow make him feel calm, even in moments like this.
“Have you noticed anything going on with Jungkookie?” Taehyung whispered in Jimin’s ear cautiously. He could feel the elder squirm slightly in his hold, the question clearly striking a chord within him, but he refused to let go until he had an answer, if anything clutching ever so slightly harder to prove his intent.
“I-I’m not sure what you mean, Tae,” Jimin replied, trying to hide the faint tremble of worry that had secretly creeped into his voice, which was all the confirmation Taehyung needed.
He hummed, the vibration against Jimin’s neck sending a shiver through the others’ body. “Don’t play stupid with me, Jiminie-hyung. It doesn’t suit you. I know you’ve been worrying about Jungkookie’s behaviour just as much as me, so there’s no use in hiding it.” A flush of red rose to Jimin’s cheeks. “I just need to know if you’ve figured anything out about it.”
He felt more than heard the sigh emitting from Jimin’s lips. Taehyung forced him around so that they were now facing each other, and placed his hands firmly onto the elder’s shoulders, his own eyes boring into the other’s in what he hoped was an intimidating manner. And yet Jimin merely sighed again, although a little more wistfully this time, and the corners of his mouth twisted upwards to resemble a small smile.
“Honestly, Tae, I haven’t figured anything out.” Which was exactly what Taehyung didn’t want to hear. He was brought back by Jimin’s soft voice speaking lowly again. “I know this isn’t like Kookie in the slightest, and I’ve attempted to do some snooping, but we both know how much I suck at that.” That elicited a chuckle from both of them.
Suddenly, Jimin’s fingertips were encased within Taehyung’s hair, coming to rest upon his forehead, and his hyung, the one who would usually play stupid pranks on Namjoon and Yoongi with him and Jungkook, the one who was just as stupid as them, leaned over to press a kiss to his temple, faint tears shining in his eyes, and Taehyung hated how much this situation messed them all up.
“I’ll ask Jin-hyung if he’s found anything out for us, if you’d like?” Jimin said quietly. “Considering he’s like our resident mother, he’s bound to have something up his sleeve.”
And Taehyung nodded his head, deciding to concede to anything considering he himself had nothing so far. He gave Jimin one last squeeze of a hug, extra tight, not wanting to be around the obvious sadness his partner in crime was drowning in any longer, scared his eyes would tear up as well. Because Taehyung may have been many things, but he was not about to cry over this. Not yet.
So, he slowly shuffled back to his shared room with Hoseok before dinner started, and even though he could faintly hear a, “Don’t worry Taehyung-ah,” called in his direction from the other behind him, he refused to turn back.
He just wanted everything to return to the way it was before all of… this happened.
As it turned out, Jin-hyung had been called back late for some extra recording that night, and so their dinner was put back further than usual. After the sizzle of the pan and the display of the food was put out, despite the dark of the night through the window of their apartment and the tired glaze in his hyung’s eyes (because Jin was not one to let his children go without a proper meal), everyone tucked in. Everyone except Jungkook, who hadn’t even bothered to turn up for tea that night.
And for once, Taehyung was not going to stand for it, abruptly getting up and grabbing Jungkook’s dish from the side, already making his way to the younger’s room. Namjoon hesitantly grabbed at his sleeve, giving a warning indication with his eyes (ever the leader), but Tae decided this time to ignore him, shrugging out of the hold and continuing on his journey.
Enough was enough.
When he reached the maknae’s room, only then did he hesitate.
What if he got in there and Jungkook didn’t want to see him? Didn’t even want to be near him? He couldn’t tell anymore how far down this went; how much the youngest was keeping hidden from them. But Tae took a deep breath, stilling his nerves quickly and dissipating the growing anxiety within his stomach, because no matter what he was going to get answers. Tonight.
With careful anticipation, he knocked softly on the wood of the door, giving it a few seconds to allow the maknae to react and come and let him in. But there was nothing, and the door remained closed tight. He growled lowly, shifting his weight before knocking a second time, this time louder and with a little more vigour.
Waiting. Still nothing.
Taehyung felt a heat of red haze his body for a moment- was Jungkook actually going to outright ignore him? Forget simply being worried now, because Tae knew that despite Jungkook occasionally being a brat, he would not disrespect them to this extent for this long on purpose.
Taehyung huffed, allowing one hand to accept the full weight of the plate and tentatively twisted the door knob with his other, knowing it wouldn’t be locked. His assumption was correct as the opening to the bedroom creaked open, allowing a stream of light from the corridor to illuminate the unnaturally darkened room, and Tae wandered in slowly.
He glanced around, flicking his eyes from the bundled-up quilt on the bed all the way to the window in the corner, scanning every inch of the place for the slightest sign of their maknae, but there was nothing. Not even an indication that he had been there, let alone slept and lived there, and Taehyung felt his worry increase tenfold as he let the realisation sink in.
Placing the plate down carefully onto the bedside table, he switched the light on, eyes momentarily blinded by the sudden change, but adjusting quickly. Once he was positive that there was definitely no Jungkook in the room (even checking and double checking underneath the bed in case his eyesight was playing tricks on him), he backed out of the doorway hastily, needing to find the youngest as fast as humanly possible and make sure that he was alright.
Because whilst Jungkook was a vast majority of things, he had never before left the dorm without telling somebody where he was going first, and knowing the other five thought he had been in his room this entire time, it set off a number of uneasy emotions swirling in Taehyung’s stomach.
He jogged through the corridor, casting a quick once over in a few of the other rooms to confirm that Jungkook hadn’t merely decided to rest somewhere else for the time being (how he wished that was the case) but with still no sign of the maknae anywhere in sight, Taehyung was around three seconds away from screaming for his hyungs to come and help him, panic rising.
He may have not necessarily wanted to cry yet, but the quick welling of tears in the corners of his irises was not something that could simply be ignored, no matter how much he tried.
That was until out of the corner of his vision he saw the door to the rooftop lying ajar, swaying back and forth minutely with the aid of the soft wind outside, and Taehyung felt his heart stutter for a second before resuming in its insistent rhythm, eyeing it precariously.
He stumbled forwards towards it, reaching a shaking hand out to push it open fully, allowing the stillness of the night to overtake his view, along with the concrete steps leading to the top.
The roof only ever got used when one of them really wanted to practise some choreography- or was in dire need of relaxation- and nowhere else was free. It provided a space where you could clear your head and think by yourself for a while, but every other time the door tended to be shut tightly and locked away, none of them caring enough to use it, too many variables making it avoidable.
Therefore, for it to be left like this, this late in the evening- Taehyung was pretty certain he’d found where Jungkook was. And yet the feeling of dread inside of him had yet to loosen itself, sticking hard to his chest like tarmac.
He took a quivering breath as he ascended the stairs; the further he climbed the more he could see, and the more his heartbeat hammered against his ribcage, threatening to fly away and abandon him in his fear.
The top was beautiful at night. Glistening stars blinked down at him from their position in the sky, the clear midnight hue drifting out at far as the eye could see, and Taehyung had the fleeting thought that if he wasn’t as alarmed and as fearful as he currently was, then he might be enjoying the view that the evening provided.
Which was when he finally laid eyes on Jungkook.
The youngest was draped entirely in black clothing, making it extremely difficult for anybody to notice him as he blended deeply into the background, almost like he was purposefully avoiding being seen.
But as Taehyung zeroed in on his whereabouts and what he was doing, he felt his heart catapult itself up into his throat in fear, terror grappling his veins and rendering him useless whilst he stood there stoic, shaking from more than just the outside chill.
Jungkook had perched himself upon the very edge of the roof, his legs dangling off of the side precariously, and his arms were lying listlessly beside him, not even bothering to grip anything in case he were to lose any semblance of balance he had. His head was bowed, seemingly peering down towards the abyss below, the late hour twisting the concrete to appear endless.
Terrified of frightening the other and somehow causing him to fall, Taehyung crept forward, ensuring with all the willpower he had to make as little noise as possible, even going as far as to slow down his breathing which had unknowingly increased since catching sight of the youngest.
He slid down directly beside Jungkook, training his eyesight purely on the boy in front of him, his heartbeat racing in his ears as his brain screamed at him to move away from the edge, the deeply rooted fear of heights making itself known within his revolting stomach.
Refusing to back down in the slightest, Taehyung reached over slowly and gently clasped Jungkook’s limp hand inside his own shaking one, willing himself to calm the fuck down despite the circumstances.
This was all perfectly normal.
Everything was going to be fine.
A sudden sharp inhale from the maknae indicated that he finally realised Taehyung was perched next to him, and Taehyung felt the band around his chest loosen ever so slightly.
He was going to bring Jungkook down, smother him in love and cuddles, and then talk about this in the morning with the others and everything was going to be fine.
“I’m sorry,” Jungkook whispered quietly, his voice sounding so small in the thin air, shoulders now trembling as he attempted to reign in his sobs.
Everything was going to be fine.
Taehyung gulped, scooting himself even closer to the youngest so that there was almost no gap between them, and carefully pulled him back away from the edge a couple of inches, ensuring that his tight hold never once faltered.
With one arm wrapped securely around Jungkook’s waist, Tae rested his chin on the other’s shoulder, a soft breath blowing the lax strands of stray hair against Jungkook’s neck.
“Talk to me, Kookie,” he murmured, treading carefully between the line of pushing and not pushing.
Jungkook exhaled, silent cries gradually dying down, the hand not attached to Taehyung curling into a fist atop the building.
The youngest’s gaze never left the dark skyline laying before them. “I feel dead, Tae.”
The admission had Taehyung closing his eyes when his vision blurred, but he forced himself to remain as soothing as possible. Jungkook didn’t need hysterics right now. He needed love. He needed to be listened to.
“Okay,” he said, pressing a smooth kiss to the other’s skin. “That’s alright. What else? I’m listening, baby.”
A quick shudder ran through the younger, making Taehyung hug the other just that tiniest bit tighter, and in the close proximity he had a full viewing of the few tears dripping down Jungkook’s face.
“I don’t-“ The other released a sob. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, Tae.” The pure resentment in his tone had Taehyung tensing up, worry skyrocketing. “I can’t fall asleep at night because everything feels too quiet and loud at the same time, eating just feels like a chore that I need to do to survive. I try and dance or play games or sing and it all feels so wrong and bad like all of these dead feelings inside of me start to come spilling out the moment I try and push them down.”
The dam had officially broken, and the maknae was choking out sentences as the cries echoed between every other word, entire body shuddering with the force. Taehyung merely continued rocking him slightly, thumb stroking his fist in a steady rhythm, afraid of breaking Jungkook out of the roll he’d got on.
“And I can’t do it, Taehyung. I can’t. I’ve wanted to tell you all, but everybody’s so busy and stressed with preparations for the comeback, and this is so small and pathetic and insignificant- I couldn’t burden you with that. I couldn’t forgive myself. But recently, it’s gotten so much… worse. I keep getting these really bad thoughts about doing things to myself just so that I can feel something again, and I’m scared, Tae. I’m scared of what I’m capable of.”
He finally, finally turned his head, vacant eyes meeting Taehyung’s own watering ones, and brokenly whispered, “I’m not afraid to die, Tae.”
And Taehyung swallowed thickly, looking at the completely lifeless expression on Jungkook’s face, looking at the sheer magnitude of the drop mere centimetres in front of them, and felt his entire soul shatter within himself.
Everything was far from ever being fine.
“Alright,” he said, ignoring the way his voice shook as he spoke to the other. “Alright. It’s okay, Jungkook. I’m here, the hyung’s are here, and we’re going to help you, yeah?” He grasped the youngest’s cheeks within his cold fingers, and leaned in to press a warm kiss to his forehead, another to his nose, and then his chin and eyelids, moving slowly and gently as he did so, making sure to convey his love for the boy in front of him with every embrace. “You are so special, Jungkook, even if everything inside of you disagrees with me. I know what I see, and I see a beautiful, golden light who’s struggling with what the world throws at him. And that’s okay.”
He landed one final kiss to the corner of Jungkook’s mouth, before leaning over to whisper in his ear. “You don’t have to wear a suit of armour all the time, Jungkook. Come to us without armour, and hyung’s will be there to guide you so that you never have to fight alone.”
He rested their foreheads together, Jungkook taking a deep breath to try and compose himself before nodding solemnly, the last couple of tears escaping from his eyes. “Yeah, I know you’re right,” he said. “It’s just hard.”
Taehyung sniffed, allowing some of his own anguish to be known on his face, and chuckled wetly, an almost serene moment settling down between them.
“Can we maybe go inside now?” Jungkook asked softly, his lips upturning slightly to show the beginnings of bunny teeth. “I’m cold.”
Taehyung grinned, huffing out a few laughs. “Why of course, your majesty. Right this way.” He hoisted himself off the ground, keeping hold of Jungkook’s hands as he pulled him up and away from the ledge of the roof. “Let’s go snuggle together in bed, yeah? Mine or yours?”
“Mine, please,” the younger replied, tucking himself beneath Taehyung’s arm, the two of them carefully making their way back down the steps and shutting the thick door behind them. Sneaking their way through to Jungkook’s room, they both quickly changed into some sleeping clothes, the youngest taking a moment longer as he went to the bathroom to clean his face.
Taehyung was still reeling, the bubbling panic of all he’d found out threatening to make an appearance once again. He took a few deep, quivering breaths, remembering previous breathing exercises Yoongi had taught them, and shook his hair from his eyes.
Tae ensured that Jungkook was gone before whipping out his phone and sending Jin a rapid text.
To: Jinnie-hyung
Sleeping with Kook tonight. I found out what’s going on with him- explain tomorrow morning. We need to have a group meeting. Say night to the hyung’s for me xxx
Without waiting for a reply, he switched his phone off and threw it on top of his pile of clothes, climbing under the covers of the bed. Jungkook returned some minutes later, looking a lot better than he did on the roof and fingers peeking out of sweater paws.
Taehyung beckoned him over immediately, welcoming the heat of a body beside him after the light was turned off, and pulled the maknae tight close to his chest, pressing another kiss to the top of his head, smiling warmly as Jungkook instantly relaxed in his hold, letting out a loud sigh.
Once they’d both settled down, bodies conjoined, Taehyung was ready to fall asleep, mind racing with the revelations tonight had brought, and muscles tired from being so tense for so long. He wondered if this is even a slither of what Jungkook had been feeling like every day.
“Could you not tell the others? Just for now?” The soft voice startled him, but once he understood the words, he swallowed, breathing out heavily and shook his head.
“You know I can’t, Kookie,” he said quietly. At the younger’s sudden trembling, he shushed him, stroking his back and tucking his head underneath his chin. “I know, I know it’s scary. But they won’t be angry. They’ll just want to help you- we all do. But you know I can’t keep this from them. It’s too big, Jungkook, and you deserve support. Okay?”
It took some time, but eventually the other nodded stiffly against his sternum, sniffing silently. “Okay, Tae. I trust you.”
Taehyung smiled a little bit. “Thank you. I love you, Jungkook.”
“Love you too, hyung.”
Maybe everything was going to be okay.