Chapter Text
“Just concentrate!” Feferi says, and a muscle in your cheek spasms.
“I’m trying,” you grit out. You heave a sigh, and open your eyes. Feferi is sitting in front of you, already done shifting back to her tail. “This isn’t going to work.”
“Yes it is, you’re just not trying hard enough!” She huffs, and you rub at your eyes before looking over to where John is sitting in the water.
It’s been two weeks since you first met Feferi, and every day you’ve come down here to meet her. Jade deemed John fit to come with you just a couple days ago, as long as he didn’t go too far out by himself, and he’s been enjoying the relative freedom immensely. He’s also been enjoying talking to Sollux, which frankly scares you a little bit. You have no idea what they can be talking about, and honestly, you don’t think you want to know.
He’s happy, though. That’s all that really matters.
“I’m trying plenty fucking hard enough,” you snap back, before forcing yourself to take a deep breath. Both of you are frustrated. After two weeks, nothing you’ve tried has worked. Meditating, concentrating, fucking gritting your teeth and going I believe! in your head until you give yourself a headache. You wonder how easy Feferi thought this was going to be. It’s not like you’re exactly the same. It’s more natural for her, without so much pain, meanwhile you can only do it because of the way your genetics are fucked up where they mash together. She can even still talk to John and Sollux while she’s human, while you obviously can’t.
There’s only one thing left to try that you can think of. You’d rather not, but.
Fuck it.
“Feferi,” you start, “do you trust me?”
She tilts her head slightly. “Of course I do.”
“Okay.” You take another breath. There’s a high probability you’re going to regret what you’re about to ask. “Drown me.”
“What,” she says, “no!”
John and Sollux are looking over now, and, shit. John is not going to like this.
“It’s the only way!” You can’t believe you’re actually trying to convince someone to drown you right now. “Nothing else is going to work, okay? I’ve never been able to change in anything other than a life-or-death situation before, or at least something really fucking like it.”
“But then that would only be a temporary solution,” she argues, and, crap, she has a point there. “I’m looking for a permanent one! If you can’t switch back and forth whenever you want then it might as well be useless!”
“Look, if I can at least get a feel for how I turn, then that’ll get me one step closer to figuring out how to do it on my own.” It’s a flimsy defense, but it’s enough to give her pause.
She chews on her lip for a moment. “Do you really think this could work?”
“Yes.”
“If it goes too far, you’re going right back up, you hear me?”
“Good. It’s not like I’m asking you to kill me.”
You swim out to the deepest part of the cove, trying to ignore the way Sollux and John are looking at you. Feferi meets you there.
She pulls you under without a warning, which you guess is just as well.
Shit, saltwater stings your eyes now, fuck. You close them, focusing in on yourself as Feferi’s hands on your arms hold you firmly in place. You can feel the currents under the water, both natural and from Feferi’s tail as she keeps the both of you in place.
There’s a growing discomfort in your lungs as the seconds pass.
Okay. Concentrate. You can do this, you know you can. You let what little air is left in your lungs escape even as your want for air grows. Nothing. Nothing, you can’t feel it, shit. You’re just really starting to get desperate, when--
there.
It’s faint, but it’s familiar, and you latch onto it, trying to keep that feeling from slipping between your metaphorical fingers. It’s raw and barely growing in strength by the second, you know you can do this, you can finish this, you almost-- have it--
You’re heaving in breath after breath before you’re even aware that you’ve been thrust above the water.
Feferi is looking at you with worried eyes when you finally open yours, and John is next to her looking at you with a mixture of both anger and fear and, wow, you feel like a dick. Also tired, wow. You’re pretty sure Feferi’s grip is the only thing keeping you from slipping back under the water.
Sollux is the one who speaks first.
“So I’m guessing it didn’t work?”
“No,” you say, and then cough. Your ribs haven’t been hurting you lately, but it’s painful to breathe now all the same. Whatever. “I almost had it. Let’s do it again.”
“No!” John and Feferi say it at the same time. You wave an arm, even though you can’t find the energy to lift it more than half-way out of the water. Eh. It’s the thought that counts.
“Another time then.”
John growls deep enough to send vibrations through the water, but neither of them actually protest. They both know how important this is.
And now there’s a chance that it’ll actually work.
///
The sun sets slowly, turning the sky purple and orange and red. It’s quiet out, aside from the conversations of a few passing people here and there.
You’re still a little tired from earlier. Who knew almost drowning could be so taxing? It had been worth it, though, to be so close to changing again. Just a few more times and you’ll have it, you know it.
John is back at the house already, watching some movie with Dave, even though he can barely understand half of the words being said. You left before they could really get into it. Even if Dave kind of rubs you the wrong way, you’re glad that John likes him. Glad enough that you decided to let them have their time together instead of butting in like the world’s most foul-mouthed third wheel.
You’re at the pier where you first saw Jade and Rose and Dave, funnily enough, leaning against the wooden railing that’s supposed to keep clumsy idiots from falling over the side. Even if you’d rather be in them than up here, the sound of the waves is calming. Nice.
Someone tugs on your sleeve.
It’s a kid, looking up at you solemnly, his hair poofed up every which way from the wind. He’s wearing a red sweater big enough to hide his hands.
“Are you thinking about jumping over?” The kid crosses his arms. “You can’t do that, you know. It’s against the rules.”
“Really? I didn’t know that.” It’s the way he looks so serious is the thing. You’re allowed to humour him just for that.
The kid nods vigorously. “It’s true! Mom said that it’s against the rules. She also said that swimming is dangerous, which is why you shouldn’t jump over even if it wasn’t against the rules.”
“Your mom?” You glance around, but can’t find a sign of any mom-looking person anywhere.
The kid points down to the building just off the docks. “She’s in there checking us into the Hindenburg. Did you know that that’s the name of this airship that caught on fire a long time ago? I learned about it in school.” He doesn’t wait for you to answer, continuing on, which is probably for the best since you actually didn’t know that. Human history. “Mom says we’re here for business things.”
“Sounds boring,” you say, and the kid shakes his head.
“She writes books,” he says. “They’re very good.”
“I’m sure they are,” you say, and you hear footsteps behind you.
“Kankri? Kankri, where-- there you are! I’m so sorry, I hope he wasn’t bothering you.”
“No, it’s fine, he--”
You turn around, and the woman drops the bag in her hand.
Her hair is thick and wild, falling down her back in curls. Her skin is dark, you notice, and she looks at you like you’re a ghost, eyes wide, breathing fast.
Her eyes are a shade of green that you could swear you’ve seen before.
Nostalgia hits you like a tidal wave.
“Kankri,” she says shakily, not looking away from your face, “go make sure they brought all our bags to our room, okay honey?”
Kankri leaves without a fuss, and something about that name makes your stomach turn-- Kankri, Kankri, where have you heard that name before?
Even once he’s left, it takes a second for her to say anything. She’s still looking at you, as if the second she looks away you’ll disappear.
“Karkat,” she breathes, and her voice breaks in the middle.
The word comes to you like a reflex. You don’t know how you know, or why you really say it, but still the word leaves your lips as barely more than a whisper.
“Mom?”
She smiles, and begins to cry.
“He said-- he said you were dead, I thought--” She breaks off, and takes a shuddering breath. “You’re alive,” she says, and a small laugh bubbles up from her chest. “You’re alive.”
You just look at each other for a moment. You’re struggling with yourself, trying to dig up memories you can’t quite reach, but you can taste it, you can feel the memory of her, and it’s the weirdest fucking thing. You don’t know what to say. You don’t know what to do. Neither, you think, does she.
She steps forward a little, unsure. “Can I... Would it be okay if I...?”
You step forward to meet her, and she hugs you hard enough to squeeze the air from your lungs.
“You’re so grown up,” she whispers, her voice choked. “My baby boy. You look just like-- just like your father. I thought I lost you. God, I missed you so much.”
You don’t say anything back. You’re not sure what you even could say. You just let her hold on to you for what feels like forever and somehow no time at all. Because you remember this. Remember being held, being safe. When she finally pulls away, you almost wish she hadn’t.
She brings a hand up to your cheek, looking into your eyes for a long time, saying nothing. This time when she pulls away, she hesitates a moment before she reaches back down into her bag and pulls out a card and a pen.
“I know you don’t really...know me,” she says as she writes, “but I’ll be here for a couple of weeks. It would be nice to talk and. Get to know you.” She finishes writing and hands you the card. On it are the words “Dessie Leijon” in curving script, with a few numbers below it. There’s another number written in the same handwriting on the back of the card, when you flip it over. She gives you a small, hopeful smile when you look back at her. “So call me, maybe?”
“...Yeah,” you say, and her smile widens. “Yeah, I will.”
You get back to the house in a daze, still unable to look away from the card in your hands. John and Dave have already long finished the movie.
John, Jade, Dave, and Rose all look up with similar expressions of curiosity as you stop in front of where they’re all gathered in the living room.
“I think,” you say slowly, “I just met my mom.”
Dave spits out his drink.