Chapter Text
It had only been a couple of days since the party, the one where Clarke avoided Lexa until she couldn’t avoid her anymore, the one where Clarke kissed her. On the cheek but a kiss is still a kiss and it left her lips tingling with the memory of Lexa’s skin and left her skin burning with desire for more than just one short peck.
She knew she shouldn’t have done it the second her mouth touched Lexa’s soft and red cheek. She knew she would have had trouble saying no if Lexa showed even a hint of want for more. But she couldn’t help herself.
Maybe it was because she could feel Lexa’s eyes on her whenever she went and whatever she was doing. Maybe it was because of how bright Lexa’s eyes burned or how flustered she got every time Clarke was close enough or too close.
Clarke took advantage of a crack of weakness she saw in Lexa, the one she had been poking at for weeks. The lingering looks, the almost cuddling, the hand holding and always with a safety net around them. Never completely alone but never with anyone close enough to see the little touches only Clarke could feel, the breaths caught in limbo of not here or there that only Lexa could hear.
Clarke spent the three days after the party thinking only about ripping the crack open.
“Just do or just don’t, Clarke,” Raven told her that day. “I don’t see the point of neither doing it or not doing it.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” They both knew Clarke wasn’t going to do it, but not doing it was the last thing she wanted to do.
“Set her free.”
“I still don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Yes you do.”
“She doesn’t need me to do anything.” Gossip columns were always full of news about Lexa and a girl. Blonde today, brunette yesterday, it didn’t matter.
“At least you should know.”
“Know what?,” Clarke furrowed her brows. Raven was never the one to talk in secret code, so to not have her be direct and upfront was confusing and strange and not at all like her.
“Not knowing,” Raven paused, choosing her next words, “being played with.”
“I’m not playing with her.”
“You give bits and pieces and then pull back,” Raven said. “I’m not judging just saying. I think you know how that feels, so it’s just weird.” Raven put her hand around Clarke’s neck and leaned her head on her shoulder. “I don’t think you’re doing anything on purpose. I think you are madly in love but you don’t want anyone to know.”
“I’m not madly in love.”
“You are pretty close.”
“I just-”
“Like her and it’s freaking you out because you know you won’t be able to stay away for much longer. But I say fuck it, who cares, just do what you want,” Raven said.
“I’m terrible at keeping secrets.”
“Then don’t make it a secret.” Clarke sighed and looked at the phone sitting in her lap as it made a couple of text message dings. It was Lexa, wondering if Clarke wanted to spend a couple of hours with her and Luna later that evening, watching movies. “I think she’s madly in love with you too. But that’s not much of a secret I think,” Raven chuckled when she read the texts.
“Shut up.”
Clarke said yes. It would either make the burning better or worse, but it sure was going to be something.
Clarke looked forward to it, mostly. But then the hours started to run away and as the hour came closer she started to get more and more nervous. So nervous that she made sure to get there late, hoping Luna was going to already be there. But all the hope she had disappeared when Lexa opened the door.
“Hi.” Lexa had a big smile on her face.
“Hey.” The smile kicked all the air out of Clarke’s lungs.
“Come in,” Lexa said, still with the same smile.
When Clarke walked in the first thing she noticed was that Luna was not there. “I thought I was going to be the late one.”
Lexa closed the door and walked by her. “You can put your coat there,” she pointed at the wall next to Clarke. “Luna should be here any second.” Lexa was wearing black sweats, white t-shirt, her hair was tied up in a bun and she had her glasses on. Clarke’s mind was foggy and cloudy and the smile that never left Lexa’s face was not helping.
“That’s good,” she smiled back.
“Do you want something to drink?”
“No, I’m good. Thank you.”
“Okay.” Clarke followed Lexa to the big couch in front of that TV she saw when she got. “Do you wanna eat something?,” Lexa asked before sitting down.
All the questions Lexa was asking just proved to Clarke that she was as nervous as Clarke was. “I’m fine really. I’ll tell you if I get hungry or thirsty.”
They spent the next couple of minutes in silence, each sitting on their end of the couch, waiting for something they both knew was not going to happen. But they still hoped. Clarke especially. Even more when she’d catch Lexa staring, when the confident smile turned into an almost blush.
Five minutes later Luna was there and they started to breathe again.
“So what are we watching?” Clarke and Lexa were still sitting next to each other on the couch, bit closer than before, while Luna was on one of the armchairs closer to TV. She had the remote in her hands and was going through list of Lexa’s favorites on Netflix.
“I’m up for anything,” Clarke said. “As long as it’s funny.”
“Me too.” Lexa was preoccupied with her phone. “Whatever is good,” she mumbled out.
“Are you sure you’re gonna be able to watch TV and not your phone?,” Clarke teased her. Lexa had spent most of an hour Clarke was there staring at her phone. Ever since Luna got there she practically didn’t put it down.
“I’m sorry,” Lexa shook her head and after a couple of seconds turned off her phone and put it face down on the couch between them. “It’s Anya, she wants me to do something I don’t want to do.”
“Work?,” Clarke asked.
“Kinda.”
“How about we watch what we did the last time I was here?” Luna’s words got Lexa’s attention and took her eyes away from Clarke.
“No,” Lexa said.
“Why not? I wanna get commentary directly from the source,” Luna continued to poke at her.
“Luna no.”
“What’s going on?,” Clarke asked confused before her eyes landed on the TV screen and saw a name of the movie she did a couple of years ago. “You’ve seen that?,” she asked Luna but looked at Lexa.
“Lexa is a big fan.”
“I’m not,” Lexa said.
“You’re not?,” Clarke smile grew bigger with every second.
“No, I am,” Lexa started blushing.
“She’s seen them all,” Luna had no intention of stopping.
Lexa was now hiding her face behind a big green pillow and Clarke felt sudden need to touch her and show her with her hands what she couldn’t bring herself to say. Instead she leaned closer and whispered, “Don’t be embarrassed.”
“I’m not embarrassed.”
“You can be a bit,” Clarke scratched the side of Lexa’s forearm.
“So are we watching it or?,” Luna said reminding Clarke that they were not alone, she leaned back, further from Lexa who looked like she had just started breathing for the first time.
“We can if that means we’re gonna watch one of yours of Lexa’s after,” Clarke chuckled.
“Oh that’s a no,” Luna laughed. “Damn I was really hoping you’d explain some of the things that happened in that one.”
“You just wanted to stare at that guy again,” Lexa sounded annoyed.
“What guy?,” Clarke asked.
“Collins,” Lexa stared at the phone next to her that kept buzzing. Clarke wondered what it was that was so important yet such a no from Lexa that she’d have Anya pester her all night.
“He has great hair,” Luna said again reminding Clarke of her presence.
“I can set you two up if you want,” Clarke said.
“I’ll think about it,” Luna smirked. “It’s none of my business but were you two really together?”
Luna’s question made Lexa shuffle her feet and pick up her phone again, not looking at it just holding it, her fingers wrapped tight around it. “You don’t have to answer that,” Lexa said.
“It’s okay, we are all friends here,” Clarke smiled. “We were, for a bit, but most of it was just PR.”
“That makes more sense than the stuff I’ve heard,” Luna said.
“What did you hear?”
“A lot of stuff.”
Clarke laughed. “I made one drunk mistake and he and his team blew it out of proportion,” Clarke said. “People love to talk.”
“You two will be getting a lot of that pretty soon,” Luna said.
“What do you mean?”
“I thought we were supposed to watch a movie not talk about that ,” Lexa was visibly not into whatever Luna was trying to accomplish. Her phone buzzed again.
“All that buzzing just makes me more curious as to what does Anya want you to do that you are so against?,” Clarke had to ask.
“It’s nothing really,” Lexa put the phone back down.
“What talk were you talking about?,” Clarke turned to Luna again.
“You two will have thousands of people wanting you to be together and thousands convinced that you are,” Luna said.
“Thousands?”
“It’s cute how completely oblivious you are. I’d never expect that from someone so into all of it,” Luna laughed.
“All of what?”
“Fan interactions, social media, that stuff.”
“I’m not oblivious, I know what will happen,” Clarke said.
“But do you know how big it will be?”
“Yes,” Clarke lied. “But let’s watch something, enough of talking about me.”
“Okay but we still haven't picked a movie.”
“I like cooking shows,” Lexa said.
“We will not watch a cooking show,” Luna said.
“Why?,” Clarke asked.
“Because I’ve had enough of listening her bitch about food stuff,” Luna said. “Hey Clarke, important question. What is your opinion on apple pies?”
“You don’t have to answer that Clarke,” Lexa said.
“You do have to answer that Clarke,” Luna said.
“Why are you asking me that?”
“Just answer, it’s not big deal I promise.”
“I’m not the biggest fan.” With the corner of her eyes she could see a smile on Lexa’s face.
“What about peanut butter?,” Luna asked.
“Hate it.” Lexa smiled turned into an almost giggle.
“How do you like your steak?,” Luna asked once again.
“Medium.”
Luna groaned. “Okay, one more,” she said. “Do you cut your sandwiches?”
“I do.” The smiles and almost giggling turned to laughing, the type that sent shivers down Clarke’s spine. “Why do you wanna know that?”
“You’ve disappointed me Clarke,” Luna said.
“Will you now accept it as the only right way?,” Lexa grinned.
“I’m still confused,” Clarke said.
“She hoped your answers would differ from mine and that my opinion of you would get 10 times worse,” Lexa said. “You can’t be my friend if you don’t agree with me on everything,” she quickly added.
“I’m your friend,” Luna said.
“But not my best friend,” Lexa said.
“Does that make me your best friend?,” Clarke asked Lexa.
“Maybe.”
“I hate you both,” Luna said before turning some action packed movie from Lexa’s list. The movie was a good distraction but still Clarke had trouble stopping her mind from spiraling and thinking back to those hundreds of messages she got because of a couple photos of her dancing with Lexa. She never really thought what it would mean to play a lesbian on a TV show and have Lexa on the opposite of her. Luna was right, people were going to go crazy and Clarke knew there was no way avoiding it or stopping them. But that didn’t mean she wasn’t going to freak out.
Octavia and Raven tried to prepare her, especially Octavia, and especially after the news got out. And Clarke thought she was ready, she really did. But then those photos came out and she started freaking out because what were people going to say once they have more than two blurry videos and three photos.
Clarke realized Lexa was the thing that freaked her out. People knowing and seeing through her and her not being able to hide anymore. Because if there was something she knew she couldn’t do it was to act when next to Lexa. The real Lexa. She could put on a face for everything and everyone, she was an expert at it, but one smile from Lexa, one look of joy and happiness and hope from Lexa and Clarke was a goner. There was no way she was going to be able to hide with Lexa next to her. What scared her the most was the fact that a part of her was looking forward to her not having to act anymore, not having to hide.
It was long after Luna had left them alone that Clarke’s head was running crazy with the same thoughts of panic and desperation mixed with hope that it was going to be finally over. Then Lexa smiled and Clarke forgot about everything that was bothering her. “What?,” she asked.
“It’s okay to not be ready.”
“What?”
“You’ve been somewhere far away ever since Luna mentioned it. I just want you to know that it’s okay to not be ready,” Lexa said. “But you had to be aware of what’s going to happen.”
“Everyone keeps telling me that as if I’m not aware of what it means and what it will mean.”
“And then you’ll realize you had no idea how big it will be once it happens.”
“It can’t be that bad,” Clarke smiled awkwardly.
“It won’t be bad. Just overwhelming. I’ll help you, if you want that,” Lexa said.
“Who helped you? Or you didn’t need help?”
“I couldn’t wait for it to happen,” Lexa smiled. She turned sideways, lifted her legs under her and leaned her head on her hand.
“Really?”
“Really. My line of thinking was I’m gonna give them everything I never got and I’m gonna be cool with whatever as long as they stay on their side of the lane,” Lexa said, then added, “your thing is different, but still. The way I see it you can either embrace it or awkwardly avoid it. It’s your choice in the end.”
“I’m half expecting this scary thing that everyone keeps telling me I should be afraid of.”
“And the other half?”
“The other half is really nice.”
“It can be this nice thing where you get to see how much impact what you do has and what it means or will mean to people,” Lexa said. Clarke leaned her head back and stared at the dirty white ceiling above them. “I mean you have to be aware of what something like that means to people.” It was one of her favorite things about Lexa. She never said more than Clarke was ready to hear.
“I know.” Clarke closed her eyes and a couple of seconds later she felt Lexa’s fingers in her hair, brushing lightly the back of her head. It was the first time Lexa touched her with no one around them.
“I’m not worried about that.”
“What are you worried about?”
“That they’ll see right through me.”
“Meaning?”
“You know what it means.”
“But you can still say it.”
“I won’t be able to hold a glass wall between me and the rest of the world.” Every brush of Lexa’s fingers through her hair crushed every doubt Clarke had floating through her body.
“I don’t think it’s a glass wall.”
“Yeah because I did a great job of fooling you.”
“Were you trying to fool me?”
“I wouldn’t call it fooling.”
“Your words.”
“I did a bad job of sticking to my script.”
“I’d like to think that has more to do with me than you,” Lexa smiled.
“Do I want you to expand on it?”
“I think you know what I mean.”
“What does Anya want?,” Clarke asked her eyes still closed, all of her skin tingling from Lexa’s touch.
“What do you mean?”
“What does she want you to do?”
“Promo.”
“And you don’t wanna do promo?” Clarke turned her head to Lexa and Lexa stopped touching her. “You don’t have to stop,” Clarke smiled after she saw the pink turn red in Lexa’s cheeks.
“She says they want us to post photos of us,” Lexa said. “And I know you don’t want that after that thing that happened.”
Clarke’s heart almost broke when she saw the self doubt and insecurity in Lexa’s eyes. “You can post whatever you want and take any kind of photo,” she said. “I don’t like my privacy invaded and you could never do that. You are my friend.” Clarke put her hand on top of Lexa’s, the one that was just moments ago playing with her hair. “And that’s very sweet of you but I don’t want the wrath of Anya unleashed on me.” Lexa smiled but pulled her hand away from under Clarke’s. Her cheeks were still red. “Am I making you uncomfortable?” Clarke asked pulling a bit back. She never thought about that even being a possibility but seeing how Lexa reacted to her touch and to Clarke voicing how much she liked being touched by her, she just had to ask.
“No, it’s not that,” Lexa said. “Why do you think that?”
“You keep pulling back. I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable or something.”
“It’s far from that, really.”
Clarke recognized in Lexa’s eyes the same thing she saw every morning in her own. “Oh,” it was Clarke’s turn to awkwardly lean back.
“It can’t be a surprise,” Lexa smiled.
“Kinda.”
“Really?”
“Never thought about it.”
“Really?,” Lexa arched her brow.
“I don’t- we can’t-”
“Relax Clarke, I’m not expecting anything.”
“It’s not that,” Clarke said. “We can pause, or something.”
“Clarke,” this time it was Lexa’s hand on top of hers. It was warm and soft. Lexa turned it around and dragged her fingers up and down Clarke’s palm. “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable,” she said. “I’m perfectly fine with whatever.”
“I don’t think you could make me uncomfortable.”
“I can think of a couple of ways.”
Raven was right. Clarke was the one pulling them back and forth and Lexa was willing to let her do whatever she wanted. “I’m sure you can,” Clarke chuckled. A bit nervous, a bit relieved. Lexa’s fingers were on her wrist, then on her forearm.
“Don’t worry, I won’t do anything like that,” Lexa said. “That’s why you are taking the lead.” Clarke nodded, her eyes focused on the eights Lexa was drawing on her wrist. “Wanna watch something? I’ll offer you my shoulder, I know how much you like it.”
“Shut up,” Clarke pushed her hand off of hers and turned to TV. “We can if it’s gonna be one of my movies.”
“I thought you don’t wanna watch that?”
“I do if it’s only you next to me,” Clarke said. “I’ve always wanted to watch one of them with a fan.”
“Fan?”
“Just turn it on,” Clarke chuckled.
After the movie started she took a photo of the TV.
‘movie night with a fan’
She didn’t tag Lexa but took the shoulder she was offered.