Chapter Text
Jarvis and M'Baku kissin' on the floor. "I shitted and farted and cumdd"
Who said.
From the shadow, Wanda came, and then she came. Vision immediately plunged forward to trap her in a corner. "Wanda." Wanda was so tired of this shit. "I want divorce." "Wanda" Vision's face is blank. "Don't try and get me back, you've lost your mind" Wanda stuttered.
"Wanda." "Fuck, I can't leave." "Wanda." "Always been a sweet talker..."
Wanda paused after Vision gave another "Wanda". She thought an idea for an escape. "Vision, I think I'm pregnant..." "Oh fuck no no no no no" Vision without moving his arms or legs, slid away at full speed. "Vision wait! it's not your kid!" But it was too late. "OOF" Vision logged off the server.
M'Baku deadass on god o fo' real fo' real left on god timbs with the fresh cut, wave check. My fuckin' avena getting cold bih.
"Hey I don't want to be a buzz kill, but this is a costume party and I noticed you all aren't in costume..." Nat said, straightforward tone to a group of the villains. They all ugh. "You're so lame" said Justin Hammer. "It's the rules.... come back with costumes please" Nat walked away. And so the villains did.
Eventually, the villains came back, but in costumes. Ultron was dressed as a slutty witch and Hela was dressed as a normal witch. Bald guy from Ant-Man is Albert Einstein. Ava Starr is wearing jeans and a black t-shirt with a paper that says "Costume" taped to it. Whiplash is in BDSM gear but he always is so. Killmonger had a Naruto headband on. Dormammu was Sauron. Vulture is Batman. Ronan is one of those blue Avatars. Rumlow is a cowboy. The Mandarin was a slutty firefighter. Malekieth is an Elf On The Shelf. Redskull is covered in blue to resemble one of those Blue Man Group guys. Ego is David Hasselhoff from The Spongebob Squarepants Movie. Kaecilius is Solid Snake. Spikey Hulk is a mean girl. Iron monger was The Iron Giant. And Alexander Pierce was dressed as a robber.
"There, you happy now you hair dye wearing slut?" Justin Hammer said to Nat, dressed as a slutty nurse, and Dustin followed behind with just a white jacket on. "What are you supposed to be?" Nat asked Dustin. "Doctor." Dustin didn't look up from his phone.
So, Mysterio, dressed as Jake Gyllenhaal, and Loki are sitting at the bar taking hits until Mysterio says, "Bet you won't spill a drink on the short neck over there."
"Tonky? Pfft, I won't do it unless you do it too." Loki smirks. Mysterio nods his head, "Bet..."
Loki goes first, he does that fake fall gays do and spilled a party sized martini on Tony. "
Awe come on I just washed my-" as Tony was gonna start his twitter rant on the subject of alcoholism, Mysterio hits him across the head with a bottle. "Whoops." They draw Drax's dick on his forehead.
"Oooh we should play truth or dare, let's get everybody to play." And so Loki called for everyone to the bar, but they cleared almost everything out of the middle of the room except for some pillows/cushions.
So a bunch of couples sat together, Loki and Mysterio, Bruce and Thor, T'Challa and M'Baku, literally everybody at the party, and incapacitated Tony. The reason the couples got together wasn't to play the game but to see how much dirt their s/o has.
"Ok, who wants to go first.." Loki said excitedly. Bruce didn't hesitate, "Me. Thor. Truth or dare..."
Thor did think twice picking dare. Bruce took a quick glance at Thor's pocket. "I dare you to give me your phone".
Thor fucking ran.
"Well shit, anyone else?" Mysterio asked. T'Challa and M'Baku shrugged at each other. "Aight, Imma go then," M'Baku said.
"T'Challa, truth or dare."
After what happened with Thor and Banner T'Challa decided to go with truth. "Is it true tha... you fucked Ross..."
"No, no, we don't play this game no mo'-" He walked out. M'Baku stayed sat tearing up.
"Bruh, wtf was that, wack ass shit." Mysterio was wanting some hot tea that'd spill and probably some funny gags but instead he got these weak ass responses. Its obvious that they need to find new better guys to play this game with.
"Alright Bucky, truth or dare?" Clint asked as he sipped his drink. "Truth" after seeing two couple potentially breaking up tonight? Nah.
"What's your top weirdest sexual kink" Clint sat on the couch seat gay as shit, his legs were on the ceiling. Loki looked up cus' that was a good truth. "Uuuh"
"I have a thing for mannequins" Bucky stated. Sam spat his drink. Steve then walked in and it was mad quiet. "What's wrong?" Steve asked worried. Every one stared at Steve in horror then to the Captain America mannequin laying on the floor.
Kaecilius says "I'm Asian" and everybody believes it.
"Hela, truth or dare?" Mysterio sits up as he stares at Hela. She winces then thinks about her decision. "Dare."
"Okay I dare you to bring someone back from the dead lmao" Mysterio said with his crackhead face. "Easy. You homosexual, watch this." And she caused a flame to appear and in come a figure. A blue figure. It's Loki dad ):
"Who THE FUCK brought me here. Why does it smell like cardboard and juice. Who are all you people, gross" Laufey said as he span in circles."Dad?" Loki is in awe. "Um no? I pulled out". Loki makes the crying cat face. "Father, you left me with the white man, what ever happened to me being blue? A blue life?" Loki said tearing up.
"Fuck blue lives" Killmonger shouts between the awkward silence.
"Oh fuck, gotta bail" and just by that Laufey shot himself dead. "Who's up for more drinks?!" Cap asked and everyone but Loki shouted "Yea!"
"Ey Crossbones, truth or dare?" Val nudged Rumlow. "Woman, who do I look like to you? Dare." He pursed his lips. "Aight, lick the dust off the ceiling fan" She smiled and everyone went "YOOOOOOOOOO" because that's a cruel dare. "Uh, bet? Ha Ha...." Rumlow said nervously laughing. He was scared as fucking fuck. They brought him a ladder and so he climbed. He stared at the wing of the fan, all covered in dust and webs.
"On God? Eating my penis at Olive Garden is way better than this" He said as he gulped. He shut his eyes.
Three..
Two...
One....
He licked a stripe of the fan and everyone fucking lost their marbles. Rumlow had a seizure and died.
"Hey, man dressed as a metal bootlicker!" Drax said, waving at Rhodey to get his attention. "Truth or dare?"
Rhodey looked at Rumlow's body on the floor. No one had bothered to clean him up, people were really just stepping over a dead body. He didnt really wanna pick dare, but he couldn't have everyone at the party thinking he was a bitch. "Um...dare."
"Okay...I dare you to...I dare you to..." Drax could barely get the dare out because he was laughing so hard, like wheezing with tears coming out of his eyes. Everyone looked at him, annoyed. "I dare...I dare you to kiss that man!" Drax finished finally, pointing across the party. Everyone turned to see who he was talking about.
It was Nick Fury.
Drax was still laughing to himself. Everyone else was frozen in horror, looking back and forth at Fury and Rhodey.
"What? Why are you all not amused?" Drax asked, finally noticing that no one else found this funny.
Rhodey stared at Fury in absolute terror. He knew he was going to die here, tonight. But mama didnt raise no bitch, so he squared his shoulders and stood up. "I'll be right back guys."
"Rhodey, you dont have to-" Nat started, but Loki elbowed her to shut up. This was fucking gold.
Rhodey walked to the other side of the party to the dj booth. Maria smiled when she saw him. "Hey, Rhodey, what's up?"
"I, uh, need to, um...I need to..." Rhodey looked at the ceiling and blew out a breath. He wished he had been the one to lick the ceiling fan. "I need to talk to Fury."
"What do you want, Rhodes?" Fury asked, staring at him motherfuckerly.
"I just want to say...I'm really sorry about this please dont kill me." Rhodey closed his eyes and just fucking went for it. Everyone watching them started screaming. Maria's mouth dropped open.
Rhodey pulled away, and Fury paused, his face blank. Rhodey's life flashed before his eyes. A smirk spread over Fury's face, and he nodded slightly.
"I am so sorry-" Rhodey began, but Fury cut him off.
"New York, babey." He then turned back to the dj booth and ignored Rhodey.
"What the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck" Rhodey mumbled to himself as he walked back to the circle and sank back into his seat, dazed.
"Um...okay..." Gamora said. She looked at Hope. "H-"
"Truth." Hope didn't play that shit.
"Oh thank god." Gamora thought for a second. "Is it true that Scott gets pegged?"
"Yeah but not by me." Hope took a sip of her drink. Everyone waited for her to elaborate, but she didn't say anything else. Scott's top remained a mystery.
"Hmmmm." Quill thought. "Topping is for men but okay" Quill said as he stretched his muscles. "Hey Quill, truth or dare?" Nebula said, straight faced as she settled a coat over Mantis' shoulders. "Definitively dare." Quill said with pride.
"I dare you to leave" Nebula crossed her arms. Loki choked on his beverage. Drax chuckled loudly. Everybody else raised their brows. "Damn girl...." Sam said as he poured alcohol into his cup.
Quill starts sweating. Ashamed, he gets up, grabs his wig and his pride, and walks out the door. All in silence.
Sam and Bucky sat on the couch, next to the house phone. Several people like M'Baku, Wanda, Loki, Clint, Strange, Nebula, Mantis, Rhodey, and Captain Marvel (yes she's fucking here and she's dressed as Wonder Woman) sat around them. They were all giggling at Bucky as he was on the phone.
He dialed a number that he copy and pasted from text messages with Peter Parker. Very soon, the phone was ringing and waiting for the person to pick up. "Hello? This is Happy Hogan."
Bucky began to speak, not trying to giggle immediately at the thought of what he is about to say. Everyone around him smiled in anticipation.
"Hi, this is Jim’s whorehouse. You got the dough we got the hoe, how may I direct your call?" Bucky had to move his face away from the phone and cover it with both hands to prevent Happy from hearing his own wheeze. Everyone around him lost it completely.
"Whoever this is, I assure you the authorities WILL track this number down and you'll have to be making these little jokes in cour-" Happy was cut off by the hang up button.
"Ey ey, pass the phone, I have digits" Sam gestured for the phone. "Who are you calling?" Bucky passed the phone and smiled.
"Imma' call Thunderbolt Ross" Sam started dialing and laughing at the thought of it. "No way, man" Rhodey shook his head with a grin.
"Shh shhh, It's dialing" Sam says as everyone gets quiet. "Hello?" the voice of a republican white man speaks.
Sam stays silent in the call. It's just a long pause through both sides of the phone line.
"Hello?" Ross says again, this time sounding more irritated.
"...............Bitch"
Sam quickly hung up and everybody was choking of laughter. Scott was literally rolling. Bucky took the phone again. "Okay, who should I call next? Anybody got a number" Bucky looked around to everyone on the couch. "Oh wait, I do" Wanda says as she looks for her phone.
She finds the number in her contacts and shows it to Bucky. Bucky smiles with his mouth open realizing who he will be calling. He copies down the number and starts calling.
The person picks up. "Hello, this is Charles Xavier, founder of the school for gifted Mutants, how may I be at your assistance?"
Bucky tries not to lose it. "Hey, um, my cat got in your pool" Bucky bites his lip.
"Oh there might be a little bit of a confusion here... The X-men mansion does not have a pool yet unfortunately but we will hopefully have one ready by June for the Mutants to spend their Summer vacation" Xavier's tone was polite and positive.
Bucky opened his mouth again carefully to make sure a laugh wont come out. "Yea and I don't have a cat!" and everyone around Bucky dies of laughter. They completely lose it.
Xavier's tone changes. "WHO IS THIS?"
Then someone enters the phone line. It's the sound of a boy that probably is young. It's Scott Summers. "Hey professor, someone lost the bathroom key again"
You can hear Xavier sigh and say "Scott, we will talk about it later" Then another person joins the line.
It's Jubilee. "Professor, what time is class tomorrow?" Xavier rubs his face. "It will posted on the bulletin board soon, Jubilee."
Now somebody ELSE joined the phone line. It most likely was Nightcrawler.
"Hi, can I have a pepperoni pizza with stuffed crust?"
Xavier, again, sighs so loud. A last person joins the line and Its Magneto.
"Hey Xavier, how long is that phone call gonna take. I'm at the bed naked, covered in oil and the heater broke so I'm freezing. Hurry up so I can ride your d-" the call cuts off immediately.
Everybody one the couch sits there in silence, trying to comprehend what the fuck just happened.
"................."
"Hey, what if we call Hank Pym and ask him about his micro-penis" Scott nudges Clint and all of them go back to their stupid laughter as Sam grabs the phone to start dialing.
Ding dong. Must be some late guests? “I’ll get it!” Steve shouted as he went to go check if it wasn’t Cop Thanos again.
Steve gasped as he looked out the front door window to see who arrived. “Oh my god….. oh my god. OH my god. oh myyyyy god. oh MY god. oh my god oh my god. oh my go-” Steve stood there muttering in shock.
“Everyone please don’t embarrass me!” Steve turned and yelled at everybody. He got shot a couple “Yea”s and “Okay”s and “Whatever”s back. Steve then took a deep breath and wiped dust off his Newsie vest. He then checked the mirror on top of the coat hanger to see how he looked. He stretched and started to open the door,
“Hiiiii! It’s so nice to finally meet you guys!” Steve said as he pulled the 5 people into a hug. Some of the people were happy to hug back, some others were stiff. “Sorry, we’re late” a woman with black hair said as she smiled. “Yea, here’s some booze through” another guy popped in from behind.
“Oh no, It’s fineeee.” Steve pfft’d. “Let me make sure I’ve got your names right, sorry if I butcher them” Steve counted how many arrived.
“Okay so, you in the Ghostbuster costume is Jessica Jones, correct? Oh wow I got that right- well you’re the only girl here… yea. Uh, you, the big guy dressed as a Man In Black, is Luke Cage? Cool! Uh White guy in the Goku outfit… Danny Rand right? Iron Fist or whatever….Yea, I’ve heard alot about you, please stay away from the clean furniture and all the women at this party. Okay um Matrix guy with glasses, Matt Murdock? Daredevil? Awesome! Hey not trying to generalize and hook you up with another disabled person but we have Clint Barton here as Robin Hood so if you find him I’m sure he’d want to chat. Alright last guy. G.I. Joe dude, you’re Frank Caster AKA Punisher? Hecking Gnarly, another recruit. Heck yea.”
Steve has the stupidest smile as he watched all of them. They all watched him back, kinda uncomfortable of all the staring. “Ahem”.
“Oh! Sorry, please come in, there’s drinks and food in the kitchen. Have fun, Defenders!” Steve almost tripped. Before leaving he poked Frank’s chest and muttered’ “Wow” then proceeded to stumble away.
Wanda looked to her left, then to her right. She checked if the path in front of her was free of Christmas tree robots. When the coast was clear, she fuckin’ RAN. She sprinted across the party as if she just got out the bathroom from a shower and she’s running to her room because she forgot a towel.
All Wanda wanted was to dump Vision, really. He’s just so annoying. And not only that, he has no dick, which I don’t even think Wanda needs because dicks can’t help vaginas for SHIT. Wanda needed a womanz in her life.
Once she got to the kitchen, her targeted destination, she saw a group of girls and decided to chill. “Phew!” Wanda wipes her forehead loudly and all the girls look up to her. “I’m so tired of boys” she says as she opens the fridge to get a water bottle, she waves at Bruce and Thor, who were making out inside the fridge, in the process.
“The robot giving you trouble?” Nat said as she stood up trying not to push Sharon who was in her arms. “Because I can handle that” Nat’s tone is serious.
“Eh, he’s not like attacking or anything, It’s just he won’t leave me the fuck alone. Everywhere I go I have to watch out for his ass” Wanda said as determined to get the cap of the water bottle off, Okoye soon helped her with that. “Girl, he follows you?” Nakia asked.
“I mean, I guess….Every time he spots me he comes walking toward me like a roblox character, and proceeds to trap me in corners with his life-less form, saying ‘Wawn-daw’. It’s so haunting. How can somebody T-Pose for that long without your arm hurting like fuck?” As Wanda vents, like all the women there grab weapons and Wanda has to quickly motion them to stop.
“There’s no need! We could summon Cop Thanos back if we start a commotion” her thick accent gets thick with this thick sentence, becoming thicker because she has a thick accent and the sentence triggers thick words as it now becomes thicker like Cap’s thick booby.
“If you don’t clock that smart watch now he’s gonna bust a cap in you with a toaster” Valkyrie folds her arms. “Yea, this is not Her (2013)” Carol said. “Or, Him (2013)” Mantis followed.
"Come on girls." Carol got up and expected all the girls to follow. "Where are we going?" Wanda was helped up by Nat.
"To freak it."
"So we are hereeee!" Nakia said as she faced her Snapchat camera at the group of girls, in the darkness. They seem to be in somebodies room, but it is dark. They had the flash turned on.
“So we are in Thor’s room, wooooooiii!!!” Carol grinned as the other girls giggled. “I wonder what’s in this drawer???” (:
They opened the drawer and it is exactly what they thought it would be. An underwear drawer. Tee hee.
They started pulling our articles of clothing, one by one, chuckling each time they presented an undie to the camera.
“Oh my god, why does Thor have so many black tight short boxer briefs?” Wanda asked as she pulled out more and more of the same brands of briefs.
While the girls kept laughing, Gamora caught a glimpse of something deep into the the bottom of the drawer that caught her eye. “Um, girls?”
“What is it?” Mantis got up to also investigate.
They all crawled up to the drawer, digging at the article. Once Val pulled it out they all were in dreaded awe.
What Valkyrie pulled out was a Victoria Secret black lace pantie, the ass part being see through.
Val flicked the pantie from her hand in disgust, all the girls flinched when the pantie landed on the ground next to them. “Why does Thor wear panties?” Hope stared at the pantie.
All of their head snapped backward when they heard the door jolt open. “Why the fuck are all of your burnt vaginas in my fucking room?” Loki’s green or blue eyes glared at the group of chicks on the floor. Loki then turned his eye to the pantie on the floor.
Before Loki could, all the girls sprint passed him out the door, brushing him.
“LMAOOOOO BITCH WE TOUCHED LOKI’S PANTIES” Val screamed at the Snapchat camera as all the other girls run with her from a heeled furious Loki.
Girls night girls night!