Chapter Text
Lelouch leaned on the metal trailing and glanced at Suzaku. His knight was standing on his right, a stern look on his face. They were (somewhat bitter) friends again and Lelouch was truly grateful for that, but even so, he couldn’t deny that he wanted more than what he could call a mere friendship.
But despite everything he desired, he was fully aware that such a thing would require another, long conversation about feelings and boundaries and everything their not so happy past together contained, and honestly, Lelouch hated having those. No matter how much they helped and how they were friends again only because of such conversations, he didn’t want to have another one again.
Then again, he knew his time on earth was limited and he really did want to know what kissing Suzaku would feel like, how it would feel like to be able to call him his lover, what it would be like to be held in Suzaku’s arms. Of course he knew that if Suzaku didn’t want any of such things to happen, then they wouldn’t, but Lelouch could almost swear that Suzaku felt the same. There was also a chance that he wouldn’t want to be with Lelouch because of all the things in their past (like the memories and feelings surrounding Euphie’s death which hung in the air around them almost always. They hadn’t gone through that conversation yet. They probably never would), but that was fine. At the very least Lelouch wanted to tell Suzaku how he felt, Suzaku deserved to know. He couldn’t do it soon anymore so even if he was rejected, it would mean nothing in the matter of a few months.
“Suzaku, can we talk?”
“If you so wish”, his knight simply answered. Lelouch groaned silently but made his way to the table on his balcony. A maid had brought him tea and biscuits earlier, as well as a brioche. He gestured to the chair on the other side of the table, so Suzaku sat there. Of course he did. He didn’t seem to realise he could refuse to do anything if they weren't seen by anyone else. The 'Emperor and his knight' -thing was only an act. Lelouch poured a cup of tea for Suzaku and handed it to him.
“It’s Genmaicha tea. I remember you liked it when we were younger”, Lelouch explained as Suzaku arched his eyebrow at him.
“I thought it smelled familiar, and that explains it, then. Did you request to have this for me?”
“Yes, I did. I hope you still like it. It’s probably not as good as the one your family made, or the one Sayoko used to brew, but that can’t be helped”, Lelouch said, sipping his tea. Yeah, Sayoko had brewed better anything, but it didn’t matter that much. It had a great aroma and it tasted good, and that had to be good enough.
Suzaku took a sip of his tea and nodded. “You’re right, we and Sayoko make better Genmaicha, but this is good nonetheless. Now, what did you want to talk about?”
Lelouch pushed the cookies towards Suzaku, prompting him to take some, and Suzaku didn’t even hesitate. Of course he didn’t, he loved cookies. Lelouch? Not so much.
“Well, I would like to talk about us.”
Suzaku stopped eating mid-bite and dropped the cookie in his tea. Lelouch chuckled as he heard a string of not-so-well chosen curses come from Suzaku’s mouth as he tried to wipe the tea off the table and save whatever was left of his cookie. When he realised the entire cookie was in the tea, he sighed, shrugged and used his spoon to feed it to himself.
“...what do you mean?”
“I mean our relationship. I am glad we’re friends, but maybe, just maybe I would like us to be more than that”, Lelouch said.
It took Suzaku a while to answer. Lelouch watched different emotions wash over his face. Anger, hope, sorrow, betrayal, fury… Lelouch couldn’t have named all of them even if he had attempted it.
“I— Where did you get the idea I would say— that I could want— No.”
“Suzaku…”
“No, Lelouch. I do not like you. I never did feel anything that could be described as romantic towards you. I—”
Suzaku snapped his mouth shut in the middle of a sentence. He looked like he had been about to say something really bad, although Lelouch wasn’t one hundred percent sure whether ‘bad’ in this case meant something insulting or something Suzaku wanted to keep a secret, something like, well, feelings, for example.
Somehow Lelouch found it much likelier that it was the latter one.
“I never felt anything towards you, Lelouch.”
While the statement came like a slap to the face to him, Lelouch could soon hear the uncertainty in Suzaku’s wavering tone. Now, there are times when Lelouch cannot differentiate Suzaku’s lies from his truths, but that doesn’t happen too often for a reason — they are all times when Suzaku believes in his own lies as well. This one, instead…
It was a lie, and a big one at that. Lelouch can easily hear just how much Suzaku had to fight against himself to say it. It was clear that Suzaku didn’t believe a word of what he himself said, and that was precisely why Lelouch could almost immediately tell it was not the truth.
“You’re lying.”
“No, I—”
“Suzaku, if you don’t believe in your own words yourself, how can you expect me to believe them?”
Suzaku’s eyes widened as he was left staring shocked at Lelouch. Lelouch’s own face was nearly blank. The only things betraying any emotion were the way he furrowed his brows and the glint of sadness in his eyes.
“It’s fine if you don’t want anything romantic to do with me — well, it isn’t, but it would be understandable and I would respect your decision on the matter —, and I am not going to force you into anything of the like, but I do want to hear the truth from you. We agreed to abandon all lies between the two of us and only ever tell truths, so why are you denying me this one I truly want to know.”
“...How did you realise?”
“I know when you’re lying to me at least as long as you don’t believe yourself either. It’s your tone that gives it away.”
Suzaku sighed and let his gaze fall to the table as he avoided Lelouch’s eyes.
“I… I do love you. I think I always have. I don’t think I ever stopped, not even when I hated you because that was always impossible. It’s just the fact that you killed Euphie, and the fact that I'll kill you soon that makes me not want to pursue a relationship with you." Suzaku pressed his lips in a tight line before saying anything more. "No, actually, that isn't true because I would like to be in a relationship with you despite the fact that you killed Euphie, but I don’t know how I could handle losing someone I love for the second time — especially if I am in a relationship with them. I’m sorry.”
“That’s fine. It’s reasonable, and like I said, I respect your decision. I'm just glad you told me. Do tell me if you change your mind for I will always be waiting for you. And, in case I didn’t make it clear, I'm in love with you, too.”
They did, in fact, share a kiss a few nights later. It was sweet but hesitating, neither really knowing what to do. Out of the two of them only Suzaku had ever kissed another person (although Lelouch had been kissed multiple times) and he wasn’t too sure what he was supposed to do, either. Even so, both enjoyed it and decided to keep it up.
A week after that they shared a bed, which mostly meant they were both having nightmares, and Lelouch’s bed as the emperor was too big for him alone and big enough for both of them to easily fit in — and even then it was bigger than what they needed so it worked very conveniently. If C.C. found them cuddling the next morning when she came to wake them up, she didn’t mention it. After that they always slept in the same bed because it brought them a great deal of comfort through everything.
A month after their first kiss they shared a shower. It was after Suzaku’s supposed death on the Damocles, and they were possibly too aware they only had around two months left of whatever the thing between them was, but they were deliberately trying to avoid thinking it. They tried to forget about it but maybe even that was too much asked. Lelouch outright refuses to tell C.C. what happened in the shower every time she tries to ask, . That conversation always results in C.C. being amused and snickering, and Lelouch being embarrassed and blushing.
Two months pass by and they share their last touch on a stage for all the world to see, Suzaku having pierced Lelouch’s heart with a sword and Lelouch trying to caress Suzaku’s face for the very last time. They hadn’t lied to each other in three months, but sometimes that isn’t enough. Sometimes not lying isn't enough for a happy ending. They are both too aware that it was their own lies that were tearing them apart from the very beginning, but the past is the past for a reason — it cannot be changed through any kind of means or actions.
Yes, only after everything had already ended in their own hands Suzaku finally realised it was always the lies that brought them together, and always the lies that tore them apart.
Suzaku can’t help but wish he had never told that first lie.