Chapter Text
You didn't know how long you had been left standing in the pouring rain.
It felt like days.
A lifetime.
"What were you thinking just standing there in that downpour? Are you asking to get pneumonia?"
You say nothing as Yoongi gently tends to your hair that was now a sodden dishevelled mess. He places the towel, freshly washed you noted from the way it smelt, over your head before using his hands to rub and soak up the rainwater.
"I'm glad we took that shortcut." Hoseok's voice was crisp and clear as day. "See. Something good did come out from my impromptu choices in life."
"Shortcut my ass," Yoongi mutters. "Your tedious whining to take a stroll in the pouring rain was just another one of your movie re-enactment attempts. Jesus Christ, I think I lost a few brain cells too."
"You have those?"
"Fucking hilarious."
"But if we didn't we wouldn't have found (Y/N) standing gormless in the middle of nowhere now, would we?"
For a brief moment there was silence and you feel Yoongi scrub with a little more force.
"Oh, don't glare at me like that. It just makes me want to kiss you."
"Hobi-"
"I can leave." You blurt, breaking your shell of silence.
Slouching, you shrug the towel off, feeling the damp locks of your hair stick to your skin and cling on for dear life. You feel a light smack to the back of your head.
"Don't be stupid. And you," Yoongi directs to his other half who was sat atop the kitchen counter watching with amusement written over his face. "You shut up."
Hoseok mimics zipping his lips, casually swinging his legs. He catches your gaze and suddenly the playfulness fades and you can see the concern hidden within the contours of his face. The usual glow had dimmed like a fold of clouds had blanketed the sun. You look down at your lap.
A sigh escapes Yoongi and you're suddenly incredibly nervous. Nervous to speak. Nervous to walk through the train-wreck of a day you've had all over again. Nervous to reopen the cracks in your heart by admitting the truth.
Truth...
What is the truth?
"Look at me (Y/N)."
You don't.
"I can't help you if you don't talk."
You're afraid.
Slowly, but surely, you look up in defeat but make sure to avoid eye contact. Yoongi's eyes were lethal. Like mirrors drawing you into his soul but it was only a reflection - Yoongi was a master at hiding his emotions. Sometimes you wondered how Hoseok managed to tear down his defences at all.
"All right, fine. We'll just call Namjoon and ask-"
"No!" you cry out in a panic. And then immediately regret it because the two men pause, simultaneously exchanging glances before their eyes settle back on you. That piqued their curiosity. You quickly clear your throat, shaking your head. "No... please don't."
Yoongi seats himself before you. "(Y/N)..." his voice is so gentle you forget about the throbbing ache in your chest. "What happened?"
"Why don't you want us to call Joon? I thought you guys were tied at the hip or something..." Hoseok adds.
Hearing his name was like piercing a hot needle into the wound sitting in your chest. But atop everything, you still felt this overwhelming wave of confusion. Stuck in the limbo of your own feelings where things made little sense. The voices echoing what you should be doing. What you should have done.
Your lips still had the lingering after-burn from Namjoon's kiss, seared on your flesh to serve as a permanent reminder. A mark of something that ought not to have been, but had unexpectedly happened regardless. And you hadn't a clue on how to proceed.
"I'm betting on Joon messing up. They left the womb together - if anything she would have been begging for us to call him."
You tense, alarmed by how well Hoseok seemed to untangle the knots of your silence, despite having known you for just a fragment of your life.
Hoseok tuts, making a hissing sound like he was in pain. "Joon, you potato."
"Really Hobi? You couldn't think of a better cuss?"
"It's Namjoon." Hoseok grins. "I can't exactly trash talk about him. He's a marshmallow." Yoongi makes a face.
"Seriously guys, I think I'm gonna leave-"
You're stopped by Yoongi's vice-like grip as he pushes your shoulders back down, seating you once more as you attempted to make a getaway.
"Sit your ass down and start explaining." His tone is stern. "Before I call Namjoon in front of your face to get the details and so help me god, I will make it as uncomfortable and awkward for you as possible that you'll regret keeping your mouth shut."
You swallow. You don't doubt for a second that he was more than capable of carrying out his threats.
"Hey, ease up on her," Hoseok frowns. He jumps off the counter and joins you at your side. "Remember the state we found her in."
Yeah, like I needed reminding. You close your eyes, slowly losing yourself and fading back through the slips of time to the moment you had truly felt the cruel hands of fate rip through your heart.
*Two Hours Ago*
God.
God.
Jungkook.
You silently wail inside, your mind screaming one thing, your heart screaming another. All the while, you're glued to your position, unable to tear your eyes away from Namjoon's burning gaze. His warm brown eyes that bore deep through your layers of defences - they slowly shifted, hardened, now looking as though fear itself had claimed his sight.
Warm. You could still feel Namjoon's hands, his fingers clawing at your bare skin and gripping you tight. Pulling you so close that it threatened the existence of air itself. Everywhere. Namjoon was everywhere. His scent. His touch. His kiss.
What did you do? What did you do ?
Jungkook. Jungkook-ah, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
The rain thundered down, drowning out the sounds of your heartbeats thrumming in the atmosphere. You could see the rise and fall of Namjoon's chest - his laboured breaths reflecting back and echoing into your ears. It was almost too painful to bear. Whether you had already started crying, you hadn't a clue. But you couldn't prolong the silence any further. You were about to lose your mind.
Though Namjoon had done well to have accomplished that task for you already.
"I-"
You can't speak. Stars above, you actually couldn't speak. Your entire body shook with tremors, reliving through the experience from the last couple of minutes.
Seeing. But not believing.
Knowing. But not feeling.
Namjoon steps back. His drenched locks of hair acting almost as a shield for his eyes as he took deep breaths. With regret, you catch him bite his bottom lip, sucking it in as if to savour the moment you had shared together - almost as if the kiss was the most precious and fragile jewel he had to protect. All smiles gone. All confidence wasted. Namjoon was just remnants of a broken boy standing before you now.
Your heart sinks.
Breathe. Breathe, you fool.
You open your mouth, only to see Namjoon striving to do the same but he seemed backed into a corner with no means of getting out. He turns his head away to the side, a dire look of anguish crossing his features.
"Shit."
It was no more than a whisper but it felt like the loudest sound that made it's way back to your ears. A chill ran down your spine - a sense of foreboding seizing your insides whilst you wait for him to speak, to heal and bring you peace of mind as he had always done. You wanted nothing more than to be freed from the heavy burden of guilt resting on your chest as it anchored you down into a pit of your own ruin.
"Joon-"
"Don't." His hands are curled into fists. "You don't have to say anything."
Your insides are clenched. It hurts.
"But..."
"You were in a vulnerable position."
Yes, but...
"We've been spending an awful lot of time together, and perhaps... perhaps I made the mistake of engaging myself with you without having any consideration about my limits."
You're holding your breath. Not blinking. Not moving. Just feeling the angry thumps of your heartbeat striking at your walls of strength. What little remained, anyway.
Namjoon still hadn't the courage to look at you. The vein in his neck protruding, the slow movement of him swallowing hard. He was at war with himself and it all brought nothing but an empty feeling of hopelessness. Never had you experienced Namjoon lowered to such a state - where he had no answers. No quick witted actions. No solutions.
And you anxiously feared what was to come next.
"We don't have to talk about it." He says quietly. But you knew he wasn't quite finished.
Don't say it.
"We can forget it."
Please.
"It was a mistake."
The onslaught of pain that followed through with those very words left a brand. A puncture within your chest where you had felt your heart beating seconds ago - now there was darkness. A vacant space filled with an unimaginable degree of hurt residing inside like a tumour and you wanted nothing more than to cut out.
Mistake. Mistake. Mistake.
The word resounded inside your head, over and over. The sharp cutting edge of his tone. The finality of it. The certainty. It felt like poison.
"(Y/N)..." he calls your name. And with the strength of a thousand suns, you look at him. You really look. His eyes now had found the courage to meet yours, eyes that you knew held deep regret. "I'm sorry."
The first tear falls.
I'm sorry too.
"You owe me 50000 won."
"Like hell. Besides, this doesn't count. They're not together. It was an impromptu kiss." Yoongi catches your eye. "A screw up, right?" He asks you as if you would be able to give a straight answer - so when you hesitate, his eyes widen.
Hoseok laughs, walking circles around the living room with a bounce in his step.
"It's not funny," you mumble, a little bitter. You completely ignored the fact that the Sope couple had evidently made a bet on your close knit relationships with Jungkook and Namjoon.
"You're right. It's not," Yoongi sighs. "So tell me why you look so beat up over a meaningless kiss?"
I don't bloody know, you scream at yourself. Because it hadn't felt meaningless?
No.
Because, in actual fact, they were right. Namjoon said nothing wrong, because it had been a moment of weakness between the two of you. The timing couldn't have been worse - you had been burrowed deep within a dark cloud with nothing but Jungkook's stinging words and spiteful glares swimming in your head.
But...
Why didn't you stop? Why did a part of you, as small as it may be, eagerly wish for Namjoon's comfort and his kiss? Why, even now, did it leaving an aching crater in your heart when you watched him walk away, discarding you as he placed all the blame on himself?
You feel soft fingers gently stroke your cheeks, bringing you back to your senses as you notice Yoongi watching you earnestly, pitifully as he wiped the tears that had found their way out of their cage. His soft touch caused the pain in your heart to intensify.
"Hey, it's okay. You don't have to talk about this now," he reassures with a small smile. He cups your right cheek with one hand, forcing you to keep eye contact. "Do you want to stay the night? I'd rather have you somewhere I can keep an eye on you because I don't trust you to look after yourself at home."
"She'll hole herself up in the dark playing her high school emo phase playlist on repeat." Hoseok shoves himself back down on the couch looking amused. You glower at him. He winks and oddly, it releases one of the shards from within your chest.
Yoongi drops his hands and shoots a glare at his partner who blows him a kiss in response.
"Jesus Christ. Why are you extra annoying today? Am I missing something?"
"Mean. I guess there will be no snuggling tonight."
"You're sleeping outside."
Hoseok looks offended.
"Is it... I mean, would you mind?" You're tentative, still overwhelmed by how well Yoongi seemed to be handling your chaos. In fact, just being within their presence was enough to lift some of the burden. Hoseok and Yoongi provided the type of comfort of that a parent or sibling would - heartfelt and secure. And it was no secret you longed for a relationship much like their own. Two pieces of a jigsaw that fit perfectly despite their rough edges.
"Yes, I mind! I'm not sleeping outside!"
"Not you, idiot." Yoongi grimaces at a pouting Hoseok and ruffles the top of your hair. "As long as you don't finish the milk."
It was safe to say you didn't sleep a wink. How could one sleep with such complications ongoing in their life? But, you were able to release the pent up cluster of emotions and cried for a good hour when both Yoongi and Hoseok had gone to bed. And despite the clash of sentiments clogging up your brain, it felt a lot clearer in the morning. You were able to speak normally again.
"What did I tell you about the milk?" Yoongi curses, closing the fridge door as he joins you on the kitchen island where you sat munching on a bowl of cereal. A very empty carton of milk resting by your elbow.
You grin. "I got hungry."
"Tch, I see you're feeling a lot better." He grabs an apple from the fruit bowl and takes a bite. You smile at the sight of his bed hair - soft dark ruffles that made him look a lot younger and smaller than he actually was.
You stir the spoon around in your bowl, feeling the guilt rise back up. The mirage of memories from yesterday now positioning themselves into your head. But he was right. You did feel better.
"I screwed up, Yoongi."
You started. You can't stop now.
"I figured, Captain Obvious." Yoongi takes another bite of an apple, watching you closely.
You take a deep breath, mentally and emotionally preparing yourself to finally admit the nightmares that haunt you.
"I'm... I'm just so confused. I didn't mean for any of that to happen."
"But?"
You freeze. Your spoon cluttering against the edge of your cereal bowl.
"But, I didn't hate it." You slowly look up at Yoongi who seemed unbothered by your confession. He continued to chew his apple, waiting for you to continue but you desperately needed him to say something. "I'm in love with Jungkook, Yoongi."
"Again. Thanks for stating the obvious."
You flick a fruit loop at him. He titters before cracking a small smile. "Stop acting like you already knew everything."
"Oh please. You couldn't be a bigger open book if you tried." He snorts. You pale in horror. "I am a genius after all."
You roll your eyes at him and then rest your face into your hands. "Is that why you placed the bet with Hobi?"
He waves a hand at you as if to brush the topic away. "Irrelevant. He didn't believe me when I said your ass had Jungkook's name tattooed on it."
Your jaw drops, face flushing red. "Yo-"
He raises a hand to stop you. "Yeah yeah, calm down. I didn't mean it quite so literally." He pauses, looking at you suddenly with interest. "You don't, do you?"
You smack his arm.
"Can we please focus?"
"So you're in love with Jungkook. You kissed Namjoon, which, you hadn't in fact minded. So, question. Are you currently in a relationship with Jeon?"
You bite your lip, pondering on how to answer his question. It had thrown you off guard a little - because it was just so complex. From an outsiders point of view, it was easy to write it off as a close friendship, with fragments of flirting here and there. But nothing serious.
"I-I guess... not."
The throb in your chest returns as you recall your last moments with Jungkook. How it had been going so well, to the point you almost locked lips then and there but somehow, somewhere down the line, Jungkook switched and that toxic side of him had shown itself. Like an alter ego. Tackling you with caustic hurtful words with every intention to implement torment.
And you still didn't know why. But maybe you were beginning to.
"All right. New question. Do you want to be in a relationship with Jungkook?"
And for the first time, after being asked this familiar question... you struggle to answer. The skip of your heartbeat made you catch your breath. A cold touch graced your bare skin as you thought long and hard. Panic inducing within you.
Why were you hesitating?
Of course you did. It's what you always wanted. More than anything. You needed him.
Recollections of Namjoon's fierce kiss broke apart the notions in your head about JK, shattering the 3-year long desire. Joon's caring nature, his ability to protect you and putting you first before everything when needed... he had you questioning your entire existence with the power of one kiss.
"He walked away."
Yoongi puts down his half eaten apple. "What?"
"Namjoon." It stung to even say his name now. "He walked away. I know where you're going with this - but it's not, it can't, be that way with Namjoon. He and I both know it was a mistake, a moment of weakness on both our parts. Maybe I had been relying too much on him, leaning on his shoulder using him as support for far too long."
Yoongi said nothing but the tensed look on his delicate features suggested that he had opinions. But he would not give them unless you specifically asked for it. And right now, you knew they were not the words you wanted to hear. It terrified you.
Your closeness with Namjoon had exceeded all limits within the past few days and you had no idea how to handle it. How to ignore the fluttering feelings of escalation whenever he entered the room and instantly sought you out. How his touch sparked a fire inside your heart and had your blood racing, your skin flushed, your heart soaring. How his dimpled smile made your stomach flip like a girl seeing her high school crush.
But where did that leave Jungkook? Nevertheless, you loved him. Wholeheartedly. Your heart still sang his name, your soul still attached to his own with every intention of taking this love to the grave. No matter how anyone else - even Namjoon - had made you feel otherwise, there was no denying that you pined for one, and one alone.
And this is what you told yourself for the past three years.
"Has Joon ever indicated the slightest possibility of him seeing your friendship differently?"
Your eyes widen. "It's never been like that with him." You reply so quick that even the words begin to feel wrong on your tongue after you've spoken them.
Yoongi raises an eyebrow. "Are you trying to convince me, or convince yourself?" He places a comforting hand over yours and gives it a squeeze when he notices you wince.
"Listen to me (Y/N). I'm in no position to tell you what you should or should not be feeling. And it seems to me like you need to do a little soul searching - namely figuring out what truly lies in your heart. But I know you won't listen so here's my only advice."
You don't blink as his dark eyes bore into your own.
"You love Jungkook, yes?"
You nod.
"Then tell the idiot how you feel. Ah-ah - no," he cuts you off when you opened your mouth to protest. "I mean it. No sugar coating. No tip-toeing. The only reason you've allowed your relationship with Jeon to become strained is because of your cowardice and fear of rejection. You've created this force field around you, filled with deceit and denial and that you can go on with the way things are in hopes one day he'll snap and realise how he feels. I'm here to tell you to wake the fuck up because Jeon Jungkook is a naive little shit who won't be able to smell the coffee even if it's right in front of him. Do you understand what I'm saying?"
Yoongi's words were brutally honest and slid right through the gaps of your armour. Your stomach knotted up at the thought of having to speak to Jungkook, openly, and lay yourself bare before him. No more hiding.
A little dejected, but now filled with a new sense of purpose, you slowly nod.
Yoongi pats the top of your head, giving the impression that he was satisfied with your response.
"I never thought I'd say this but... Yoongi, I love you." You smile at him feeling the warmth in your heart grow alongside your appreciation for him and his harsh but effective methods.
Yoongi frowns, cringing away. "I'd rather you didn't. You never expected to kiss Namjoon and look where that got you."
He didn't expect the apple coming for his head.
He wasn't picking up.
No messages either.
For a whole week.
It was like he had vanished from the face of the earth. But you couldn't bring yourself to visit his place and confront him directly. And quite, frankly you wasn't sure you could face Namjoon so soon. But having zero connection with your childhood best friend was killing you inside. Your desperate need to hear his soothing voice, his daily foreign greetings, his support and advice - you missed it all. Heartbreakingly so.
A day without Namjoon suddenly had become an arduous task and each day was torturous to get through. The kiss still hadn't left your mind, but rather left on repeat like Groundhog Day.
The fault had not been entirely his own, but yours too. And that had been the frustrating thing - knowing Namjoon was too soft hearted to allow you to even feel a shroud of unhappiness or despair. He cared way too much for your well-being and it caused the tumour in your heart to spread.
You needed him now more than ever. Because you were standing outside Jeon Jungkook's door with your heartbeat thundering against your ribcage, trying to convince yourself with excuses in a last-ditch attempt to escape.
Enough was enough.
You straighten your posture. Square your shoulders. Take a deep breath. A second.
And ring the doorbell.
Your legs were jell-o and you had never felt more petrified in your life. But Yoongi was right. If you didn't clear this up now, it would only cause more harrowing issues to those that cared for you.
After a good minute, the sound of the latch opening snatched your attention, making you jump. The door opened revealing a very casual Jungkook in sweats and an oversized white shirt. His computer glasses balanced perfectly on the bridge of his cute nose. You catch the blue glare reflecting back off the lens, trailing back to the soft hues of his eyes that were watching you with ardent longing and surprise.
You almost gasp at how quick the guilt hits your chest. Striking forth a home run that almost swept you off the doorstep and back to the black hole of anguish you had been trapped in.
"Hey."
It was blank. A short but precise greeting. So very Jungkook. You had to look past the soft waves of his brown hair that looked like he ran his hands through it a few times.
Your stomach cinched tight.
"Hey," you manage weakly, clearing your throat. "Is it all right if I come in?"
Jungkook looked as though he had been expecting this moment for a while but wasn't quite so prepared as of this moment. Nodding, he pulled open the door wide for you to step indoors.
"Excuse the mess. I'm putting together a few portfolio's."
You smile at the familiar sight of his photos spread around the front room. A couple hung up and pegged onto a makeshift washing line like a display exhibit. Jungkook's entire life's dream was strung about the room and it engulfed you into a cloud of disappointment. How small your world seemed to that of Jungkook's and he would only grow to achieve greater things. It was this that had put you off from fully confronting him all these years.
Could you ever truly match upto Jungkook's level?
"These are great. The internship going well then?" You stroke a polaroid of a silhouette before a sunset. The gradient of the orange and pink skies, blended in with the shadowed surface of land creating the most aesthetically pleasing image. Your heart skipped, knowing Jungkook's raw love for photography are what capture these breathtaking moments.
Jungkook had an eye for detail.
But not when it came to the matters of the heart. Your momentary burst of happiness settles down.
"I guess so. It's a little demanding but nothing I can't really handle..." his voice trails off as you turn around to face him. He looks tired. Like he hasn't slept well.
You both had come to a stalemate. Knowing it was an awkward atmosphere but still, you try to act normal. But in this instance, it was futile to try. Because he hadn't spoken to you since walking out. Made no effort into making amends. The notion helped fuel your confidence.
"Jungkook..."
"I wanted to call you." His quickfire response stops you in your tracks. But only briefly.
Your eyes narrowed. "Why didn't you?"
His expression simmers to that of a helpless and guilty child who had run out of excuses. His eyes shifting from side to side. "I... I didn't know what to say."
"How about an apology?" you bite back, suddenly feeling your wires being lit and the burning ball of anger succumbing your former feelings. Jungkook's eyes flash back to you, his teeth catching his bottom lip as he looked flustered. If not a little ashamed.
"(Y/N)-"
"How about how you were wrong to say those things about Namjoon? How you were wrong to throw your accusations so proudly at me that day?"
The fire in your blood was fuelling your aggravation, the adrenaline you needed after weeks, weeks, of pent up frustration. From the countless nights you laid awake wondering how you screwed up so bad, crying till you blanked out and pining for the one person who saw you as nothing more than just a toy he could discard when he pleased.
Jungkook flinched, pain sprawled across his face. But his eyes darkened and you knew he would argue back.
"I'm sorry for a lot of things I said that day," he says quietly, his voice lowered to a dangerous timbre. "But not everything."
Your jaw drops. Your hands curled into tight fists as the claws around your heart cinch in stopping your every breath, making it as difficult as possible for you to breathe. Jungkook's words cut through the pelt of your skin and defences.
"What is wrong with you? Huh? What the hell is going through your thick skull that you actually had the nerve to accuse me-"
"I had every right!" Jungkook roars back. He had never raised his voice so high. Not on you. His eyes shook with a mix of vigorous ire and uncertainty, torn between the waves of emotions but no longer holding back. "Day after day, you lie to my face or get upset and walk away! You won't talk to me or tell me where I messed up. Instead, you go running off to Namjoon who you send to fight your battles for you."
It felt like a slap to the face. A sharp jab at your chest, to hear Jungkook talking down to you like you were nothing more than just an aquaintance - if even that. It hurt. A lot.
"That's your friend - our, best friend," you correct, fighting the trembling feeling in your voice. Your entire body was shaking. "Have you forgotten?"
Jungkook smirks. Bitterly. An ugly expression that you never thought possible. It pains you to look at his face with him staring at you with such hatred in his eyes. You could feel the stinging in the backs of your eyes and prayed the tears stayed locked away.
He removes his glasses and throws them onto the sofa.
"Oh, I don't forget. How could I when you're there to remind me just how great of a friend he is to you? How you two seem to share secrets, spending every waking hour texting or calling one another - no, of course I haven't forgotten."
You shake your head in disbelief. "Maybe if you weren't such an ignorant ass then I'd be more open to talking with you!"
Jungkook stills. His face looking pitiful, but hurt. The betrayed look in his eyes made you instantly regret your choice of words and long for you to take them back. His bottom lip quivered - he licks it quickly as if to hide the fact your words had done more harm than good.
Oh God. This is hurting too much.
His face turns to the side as he scoffs. "I figured I wasn't good enough. Not enough to warrant an open and honest friendship where we tell each other everything. Thank you for making it clear that I mean absolutely nothing to you."
Crack.
The wounds that had once been sealed, reopened, tearing through the seamless tissues that had held them together. Your confidence, what little remained of your strength and the weak heartbeats that kept you alive - collapsed, turning in on itself. Jungkook's words felt like a heavy burden resting atop your shoulders that you could no longer budge.
Your lips are struggling to move, convulsing as you fight to keep in the sounds that threatened to leave your mouth. The hurt you were feeling was unbearable.
"H-How... How could you say that?" you whisper. Your voice nothing but a cluster of listless words.
Jungkook raises his head and looks at you blankly. The moles, the scar, the line of his jaw - none of that fazed you. He looked at you the way he would at one of his polaroids. Wondering if you were worthy of being kept or thrown out into the reject pile. It crushed you. Deep within.
You swallow the lump trapped in your throat. Breathe in hard as you attempt to calm yourself. Yoongi's words are working hard to break through the layer of despair Jungkook had left behind.
"I don't know what possessed you to say that to my face after everything that has happened." You grit your teeth, heart pounding as you set free the tamed lion that rested inside. "You have the audacity to question our friendship, to criticise me and question my actions, when you were the one to cause the rift."
He face looked stricken, pupils wide and fixated on the words coming out of your mouth.
You wipe your eyes angrily, refusing to let him see any tears. He didn't deserve even that much.
"How long were we going to tread carefully on the ice, Jungkook? How long did you intend for us to play this game of cat and mouse? The discreet flirting, the casual meet ups, the holding of hands - our first..." you trailed off, feeling the need to gasp as the grip of your own emotions clung tightly around your neck, cutting off your speech.
You didn't need to finish the sentence to know Jungkook was aware on what you about to say.
Our first kiss.
But it wasn't. It was just another maybe. A fleeting dream.
"I tried. I tried so hard Jungkook-ah." You relish the look of agony that crosses Jungkook's features at the sound of his name with the honorific. It had always been a weakness. "Whenever I had an issue, whenever there is happy news to share - you were always the first person that came to mind. The first I would call. When I lost my grandfather, you were the first to break through my shell and help me rise back up onto my feet. I respected you. Cherished you. And soon enough, I found myself crossing the line you had marked around yourself. Despite my efforts to get closer, for us to ponder down that taboo path together... you pushed me away."
Your voice breaks at the last word.
Jungkook says nothing. Not moving. Not breathing. But continuing to look at you with a sheen coating the top layer of his eyes.
Is it hurt you feel Jungkook? Do you feel what I feel?
"Each time, you would painfully remind me of my place in your life Jungkook." You recall the most recent being the fateful day he had announced his internship acceptance. "My efforts were in vain because to you, I'm nothing more than just the girl you grew up with. The friend who's there to lend a hand, a shoulder to cry on, to give you endless support but never... never the girl you could share your life with."
Breathe.
Your throat felt clammy, your mouth dry as it hurt to take breaths. The last remnants of your energy cut away. Your cheeks, you realise, were damp. You failed to conceal the tears. How pathetic you must look to him.
You heard him intake a deep breath.
"I was a fool to dream. Through the years, I watched you grow into the man you are today and I could never be more proud. But a huge part of me wishes you could really, truly, share your happiness with me. I longed to be a part of your world Jungkook, but you seemed to grow more and more out of reach. I wasn't worthy. I panicked. I allowed our relationship to become nothing more than a pocket of shambles and perhaps the biggest fault in that was mine."
The silence had never felt so deafening. It was insufferable drowning in this silence. Your chest heaved, forcing air down into your weakened lungs as a sob finds it's way up your throat. Your vision blurred as you scoffed, laughing quietly to yourself.
"Jesus Jungkook...I-" you stare deep into his eyes, finally releasing the burden that had become a cancerous cell inside you for so long. Infecting you with the utmost misery.
"...I am in love with you."
There.
You said it.
There was no going back. It was out in the open. And you had no more fight in you to continue. Instead, you give into the grief and let the staggering mountains of melancholy consume you whole. You gasped for air but couldn't rise and break the surface. And it's here, your knees go weak and you stumble back - bumping into his desk where his photos were laid out. You hold onto the edge for support as your head drops down and you sob quietly into your chest.
Hating your weakness, hating your own feelings that you had no control over - you longed nothing more than to erase it all. The memories, the tainted love you had for Jungkook, your breakdown. You wanted to forget it all. Numb. You just wanted to feel numb.
The quiet sound of footsteps didn't alarm you. The light feeling of his body warmth closing in on you didn't shift you. His scent that grew stronger the closer he got, changed nothing. Your hair had tumbled around your face but you could see the tips of his toes, the bright red of his socks, in line with your vision.
It wasn't his touch that brought you back, but rather, the cautious whispers of his defeated voice that sent a jolt of electricity through your veins, directly to your brain. It registered the feeling of him cupping the side of your face. His large firm hand placed flat against the right cheek as he pushed you to look up. You hear the sound of his trembling breaths, the sharp gasps as he brings his face down close and the feel of your noses touching sent a violent shudder down your neck.
He had never felt more distant, despite being right there. Holding you. Breathing the same air with mere millimetres of space between the two of you.
And you hear it.
The sound that crumbled the remains of your self control into dust.
The sound of Jungkook's broken heart.
"Do you know, how long... I've been waiting to hear that?" he breathes into the small space between your mouthes. His hot breath meshing with yours felt like an indirect kiss. The soft ends of his hair brush across your skin leaving a burning path in it's wake.
You raise your head, catching sight of his eyelashes - long and damp, bearing the weight of his tears that had yet to fall. The way he was biting his lips and the laboured breaths that depicted struggle, you felt yourself crying out but no sound seemed to escape your lips. His embrace was so tender, you couldn't bring yourself to move away. His touch was like a drug. And you kept wanting more.
"I've wanted to hear those words from you, for a long time. You don't understand how badly I needed to hear them."
Your eyes shot open wide. Your heart stilled, clinging to the hope you had discarded and refused to acknowledge. It would be a mistake to believe once more, that everything would work out. A fool's play. A trap you were throwing yourself into in this war of hearts.
What was he saying? Did he...?
He grips your face tighter still, drawing you in closer though any further and you would be touching, Skin on skin. Lips on lips. And your tainted heart dangerously yearned for the chance, leaning towards the opportunity.
"I only wish it were true."
And then the echo. Of kissing in the rain. A clouded memory of another figure. A taller, more gentle form - had taken Jungkook's place before your eyes and suddenly you're thrown back into the gazebo over a week ago. Namjoon's warmth. His kindness. His support.
And the more forbidden things.
His touch. His hands. The feel of his chest as you ran your hands across them and tangled your fingers into his hair. The feel of heavy torrential rain enveloping the two of you in a state of sorrow, in a world of your own. And you felt nothing but the shape of Namjoon's lips against your own, the urgency to force a silent message through. The look on his face when you pulled away and had realised the extent of your actions.
The guilt overwhelms you.
Why? Why now? In this moment?
Time comes to a standstill and you freeze. All former feelings of charged chemistry and searing touches, the intimacy, had been brushed aside. You could feel your heart in your throat and you pull back and look Jungkook in the eye.
They looked defeated. Helpless. A sheet of regret clouded over them like overcast skies.
"J-Jungkook... what-"
He drops his hand. Stepping back. A weak smile playing on his lips as he releases a deep sigh, running his hands over his face in a slow gesture. His eyes looked swollen, his scar prominent and glazed over with the residue of his tears. A sight that gripped your heaving chest.
"I... I just told you, that I'm in love with you." Your throat tightens with each word. Panic inducing within your body and mind as you watch the lines of Jungkook's back tense as he walks away. Leaving you behind, yet again. "Did that mean nothing?"
"(Y/N)." You wince at the sound of your name. "It meant everything."
A pause. You're holding your breath, teetering on the edge of thin ice. The cracks already had formed around your feet, ready to give way at any moment.
"But they're not meant for me," he finishes.
You suddenly find a spark of hidden courage.
"Stop it. Stop pushing me away!"
He swivels round sharply, his face hardened back into the shell he had encased himself inside every time you got close. "I'm not the one you think you need. It's not my name that your heart is beating for. And I think... I think you and I both know that."
Is he... Is he suggesting...?
Did Namjoon by any chance...? No. No he wouldn't mention a thing to Jungkook.
Namjoon's kiss strikes you in the back, throwing you off your feet and into the deep end. The sound of your heartbeat echoed in the silence as you take deep and long breaths, still unable to process Jungkook's words. What they implied.
Jungkook takes a deep breath, calming himself as his features softened.
"I'm not right for you. I don't think I ever was. That I ever could be. But Namjoon..." he drifts off, suddenly lost in deep thought like he was reconsidering his words. But a sliver of certainty flashed across his eyes before he looks at you without hesitation. "Namjoon has always been there when it mattered. Even when you didn't ask, when you didn't reach, he was there. He said all the right words. He was noble in everything he did and I didn't - wouldn't, blame you if you-"
"Enough!" You cry out. You couldn't take this. You couldn't take much more and hearing this come from Jungkook only made the unbearable despair inside you to grip you further towards it's black hole. "Stop acting like you know what I want!"
"Listen-"
No.
"Stop acting as though you know my own feelings more than I do!"
He's wrong.
"Listen to me!" His frantic voice sets off your tears once again as your heart thunders in a desperate attempt to prove him wrong.
"I don't want to listen-"
"(Y/N)-"
"Why is it so hard for you to believe that I love you? What part of my confession made you come to the conclusion that I need someone else?" You gush, you cry, you sob. You're yelling at the top of your voice in unfiltered frustration but you hadn't a care. He was ruining you.
"Why are you constantly pushing me away?"
"BECAUSE I SEE THE WAY HE LOOKS AT YOU."
Silence.
His eyes show torment, and not a single barrier hiding his emotions any longer. A tear winds down his scarred cheek as his lip trembles. He runs his teeth over them, releasing a shaky breath as he stares at you in complete stillness. He had never looked more defeated, like a man who had just lost everything.
"I see the way he looks as you..." he repeats. Softer. His voice barely audible.
"...and I can't give you that."