Chapter Text
It all started over a cockroach.
Keith wasn't even sure how it got into the apartment. Shiro cleaned like a madman. He made Keith clean like a madman. Whenever Adam came over he cleaned like a madman. There was not a floor un-swept. A counter un-wiped. Not even a single window unwashed.
Okay, that was a lie. Keith knew - within the depths of his closet that Shiro never bothered to check - that his three half-empty cans of Pepsi and bag of Flamin' Hot Nacho Doritos were probably what brought the cockroach into the realm of detergent and disinfectants that was Shiro's apartment. Still, if he had known what consequences would follow he would have never allowed his closet to get so dirty...Nor would he ever again.
"Takashi just...What are you doing?" Adam asked, running a hand over his face. Keith peered over his shoulder to see Shiro attempting (and failing) to coax a rather disturbingly large cockroach into a cup with a piece of paper. "It's going to fly away." He told him flatly.
"No it won't," Shiro said "Come on...Just a little - Shit!" He yelped and ducked as the bug jumped, gliding from the wall to the kitchen table with far too much ease. Adam sighed and picked up one of the shoes by the front door. "ADAM DON'T YOU DARE!" Shiro yelled, pointing a warning finger at him.
"Is that my shoe?" Keith objected and tried to reach over to grab it from him "Gross! Don't kill it with my stuff!" He complained and Adam groaned, lowering his weapon with a glare at either the bug or Keith. Possibly both.
"Takashi it's a cockroach. Just kill it and we can move on." He said. Shiro sniffed, pushing Adam out of the way so he could continue his attempts at getting it in the cup. "Oh my God." Adam muttered and went to collapse on the couch, flicking on Mario Kart. Keith grabbed his shoes and quickly threw them in his room where Adam's stupid self couldn't grab them again.
After several very loud and obnoxious rounds of Adam and Keith trying to demolish each other during Rainbow Road, they turned to see Shiro still hadn't caught the infiltrator.
"You know I love you," Adam tried "But do you know how much I love you when you're not trying to catch a cockroach?"
"He's quick!" Shiro said and glanced at where Keith was innocently inching towards the kitchen to grab some ice cream "Have you done your homework?"
"Have you graded your papers?" He snipped back. Shiro lowered the cup to scowl at him and gesture at the cockroach.
"I'm clearly a little busy here!" He said. Keith looked at Adam - who was obviously no source of help. "Flight skills isn't going to kill you, Keith. Go." Shiro told him.
"Why do you hate me?" Keith moaned, dragging his feet as he grabbed his bag that had been dumped by the front door. "I'm an orphan. I've had enough bad stuff happen to me."
"Oh no," Adam scoffed, grabbing his messenger back "He's playing the orphan card, Takashi."
"Your parents would have wanted you to have an education, Keith." Shiro called, more focused on the cockroach than the conversation "And don't equate doing homework to the same level of trauma as losing your parents. It isn't good for you to water down emotions." He said. Keith sighed, mimicking Shiro under his breath. Adam flicked the side of his head as he passed by.
"Ow!"
"Don't be a jerk." Adam told him "Besides, the real trauma in your life is that you can't beat me on Rainbow Road-"
"Lies-"
"ADAM! DON'T ENCOURAGE IT!" Shiro snapped and Adam grimaced in his general direction "DAMNIT - I'M TRYING TO FREE YOU! DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?!"
"If he goes crazy do I have to live with you?" Keith asked, searching for a pencil. Adam looked him up and down for a moment.
"Maybe..." He frowned and made a face "Gross."
"You're gross." Keith muttered and flipped his notebook open. "It's been three hours. Why doesn't he just kill it?" He added. There was a bang from somewhere in the master bedroom followed by a wail. Adam sighed.
"He doesn't like killing things. Never has. Even back in school. Matt said he once stepped on a ladybug and cried." He told him. Keith clicked his tongue. Sure, he had once been under the impression that Shiro was cool - and he was. Super cool. He knew pretty much everything and let Keith do somewhat dangerous things and was fun to be around. Plus he was like...The bravest person in the world.
...But also he spent three hours trying to catch a bug and as much as Keith loved him...He couldn't justify that. Not even Shiro could be cool while trying (and failing) to get a cockroach in a cup. It was a good thirty minutes later after Keith had guessed half of his homework answers that Shiro slid into the room - the cockroach flying directly towards them.
"DON'T MOVE!" Shiro said and Keith scooted his chair back as the cockroach landed right on top of his homework. At least he was finished with it...Up until Adam grabbed one of Keith's textbooks and slammed it down. There was a pause.
"Adam!" Keith said when the book peeled back to reveal cockroach guts over his work. "I swear to - Why?" He complained.
"Like you actually put any effort into that," Adam snapped back, heading to the kitchen and grabbing some paper towels "I saw you write down the letter D for an answer...It wasn't even multiple choice! Or were you pre-grading yourself?" He asked and Keith threw his pencil at him. "TAKASHI!" Adam whined, throwing the pencil back. "Get your evil child to stop throwing - Takashi?" He interrupted himself. Shiro was standing at the edge of the table, staring forlornly at the newly squished cockroach.
"How could you?" He whispered. Adam paused.
"Babe-"
"You killed him!" Shiro said, gesturing to the brown stain on Keith's work "You're a murderer!"
"It's a cockroach!"
"He had a life to live!"
"I - Takashi. It's a cockroach!"
"He could have children!"
"Honestly, if it had kids we should probably get rid of them too-"
"MONSTER!" Shiro yelled, throwing up his hands. Adam watched as he went, grimacing. "I can't believe you!" He said, slamming the door behind him as he retreated to the living room. Adam closed his eyes.
"See?" Keith said, sticking out his tongue "You suck."
"I swear to every deity known to man that if you keep talking I will smash you like I did that bug."
"You can try."
"Do you take me for a coward?"
So Shiro wasn't talking to Adam...But in fairness, Adam wasn't talking to Shiro either.
Which Keith found glorious.
No cute pet names? No cooing over one another? No hand holding or ganging up on him?
He was having the time of his freaking life over here. Keith figured all of his trials through life had finally manifested into some solid karma. In fact, nobody was even complaining that he was lying on the couch eating ice cream as he watched re-runs of one of the sitcoms Shiro said was too inappropriate for him.
All was peaceful...Serene...He deserved this.
"Keith, tell Adam he is not staying over tonight."
Keith sat up, looking from where Shiro was sitting at the table, grading papers to where Adam was sitting at the very same table, grading his own papers.
"Uh...What? He's right there." He said, frowning. Adam glanced up before looking at Keith with puzzled eyes.
"Who's right there? Are you talking to me, Keith?" He asked. Keith stared.
"I was talking to Shiro-"
"Shiro? Shiro who? I don't know anyone by that name." Adam said and went back to his work.
No. No. They could not do this to him. Keith felt his eyes widen in horror. He had finally found peace! He was planning on googling knives under his bed tonight. It was supposed to be a stress-free environment!
"...Shiro?" He asked and the man hummed in acknowledgement. "Don't do this to me."
"Can you please tell Adam he's not staying over here tonight?" Shiro pressed and Keith tossed his ice cream to the side with a groan. Fine. Whatever. Torture him. It was fine. It wasn't like they could do this forever. Shiro and Adam were too gross to fight for very long - especially over a cockroach. It would be over in a couple hours and Keith would have to deal with them being themselves once more.
"Keith, tell Shiro to pass the butter."
The teenager in question rolled his eyes as he looked between Adam and Shiro before lowering his glass of milk. He thought that eating dinner with them flirting across the table was bad...Never had he predicted this could be worse.
"...Shiro. Adam says to pass the butter." He muttered and took a bite of his mashed potatoes. Shiro didn't even miss a beat.
"Keith, tell Adam to get his own butter." He said. Keith swallowed his potatoes.
"Are you guys really going to keep doing this?" He asked. It had been a whole twenty-four hours since 'the incident' and neither seemed to be backing down. Shiro shrugged. Adam ignored him, taking a sip of his wine before holding out his hand patiently for the butter. Honestly. Keith's life was the worst. Why was Adam even here? If they were fighting why did he come over? Nevermind. Adam thrived in chaos. Stupid question.
"Shiro says to get your own butter." He said and Adam hit the table.
"Well you can tell him-"
"Come on!" Keith complained "I - Shiro. I never side with Adam. You know that. You're awesome and he's awful."
"Lies, but okay." Adam interrupted. Keith rolled his eyes.
"But it was just a cockroach. That you spent hours trying to catch. And failed. Can't you move on?" He begged as Adam stole Keith's buttered roll from his plate. "Or...You know what? Just break up with him!" He suggested, light flicking on. Immediately, he switched tracks "Yeah! How dare he kill it? What's the matter with him? Do you want to date a murderer?" He asked. Shiro looked at him. "...do you?"
"I hate to tell you this, Keith." Adam said in between bites of Keith's roll "But you've killed a lot more than I have."
"What have I killed?" Keith demanded and Adam wiped his hands before counting off his fingers.
"The general mood, my hopes and dreams, the idea that I could live a life free of annoyance, Takashi's bank account-"
"We both know you sneak money into his account."
"Fine then. My bank account-"
"You literally just bought a boat. We don't even live near an ocean!" He said, throwing up his hands. Adam jutted out his chin.
"My boat is none of your concern," He said, scooping up some more mashed potatoes "My point is that you have no room to talk, demon." He said. Keith blew a stay piece of hair out of his eyes in frustration. Desperately, he gestured to Adam.
"See? You have a chance to get rid of this!"
A pause.
"Keith?" Shiro finally said and he leaned forward, hope creeping into his chest "Tell Adam he better not have been sneaking money into my bank account and I told him to stop doing that-"
"Tell Takashi it was literally just a few dollars because his insurance didn't cover his medication again and he really needs to talk to Iverson about the plan he's on-"
"Keith, tell Adam that I can't just change my insurance at will because - as he knows - it is through the Garrison so I can't just make demands-"
"Alright. Keith. Tell Takashi that he's a member of an elite military group and it's ridiculous that they can't provide the-"
He didn't deserve this.
Keith could not stand this. He couldn't. He couldn't live this way.
'Demon, tell Takashi this-' or "Keith, tell Adam that'. What was he? A freaking messenger pigeon? No. He had to make a stand. He had to make a statement. To decide what he was willing to put up with in his life. Was it this? No.
Operation Free Keith was underway...And to be clear - Keith never thought he would live through a period of time where he was trying to help Adam. Well...Not help him, but play an active role in aiding his relationship. Whatever. The point remained.
"Hey Keith, how was your day?" Shiro asked as he trudged in, tossing his bag to the side. Keith said nothing, throwing up the hood of an old sweatshirt he had found this morning and slamming the door behind him. There was a pause. "Um. Okay." Followed and a few seconds later there was a tap on his door. "Hey...Can I come in?"
"No."
"...Alright, I'll stay out here. Is something wrong?"
"No, go away." Keith yelled and for good measure, threw a shoe at the door so there was a loud bang. He waited. When there was no immediate answer he tip-toed over and put his ear near the knob, listening as Shiro muttered 'shit' under his breath for a solid ten seconds before knocking again.
"Hi. It's me again."
"JUST LEAVE ME TO DIE!" Keith yelled and got into bed, pulling out his phone to text Draven. More silence followed and sure enough, when he went to listen at the door again there was panicked murmuring.
"What do I do, Adam?!" He whispered and Keith cracked the door a bit to see him whispering into the phone "...no, I'm not going to kick him out...What do you mean he's probably on drugs?! I - KEITH!" Shiro yelled and Keith quickly closed the door before he could see him. "ARE YOU ON DRUGS?"
"Uh..." Keith blinked. Would being on drugs work to his advantage? "Yeah!" He called back "I love...Heroin."
"Oh my God, he's on heroin - do not laugh at that Adam! Come over here and help me!"
Well. They were talking. Mission accomplished.
"Hey demon," Adam greeted twenty minutes later as Keith left his room to get a banana "How do you take heroin?"
Keith paused.
"Um...You..." He tried to think back to literally anything he knew about drugs other than people repeatedly telling him to say no when asked. "Drink it." He decided. Adam nodded.
"Damn straight you do," Adam told him and turned to Shiro "See? What did I tell you. Keith is too boring to do heroin."
"Adam." Shiro growled and looked over at where Keith was peeling his banana "Why would you say that?" He asked and Keith took another bite. "Drugs are super dangerous and I need to know if you're actually at risk." He said and paused, eyes widening as if being hit with a horrific realization "Is this a cry for attention? Am I ignoring you? I know I've been busy-"
"No," Keith interrupted with a groan "I'm fine. I just wanted you guys to talk to each other again." He said with a shrug. He waited for some sort of exasperated response, but only silence greeted his words. "Um..." He said, glancing over to see a small, evil smile hinting at Adam's lips. Wait.
"Keith! You didn't like us fighting? How sweet!" He cooed and Keith held out his banana like a weapon.
"No. No, don't turn this around-"
"That's so cute!"
"The cutest!"
"You could have just told us," Shiro snorted, sitting down next to Adam "I would have forgiven this heartless killer long ago if I knew it upset you." He said and turned to his boyfriend "We have to set an example, Adam. Demonstrate healthy relationship communication."
"I'm sorry, my love. I'll try not to slay the innocent anymore."
"My darling, I forgive you for being a monster!"
"I honestly don't know why I intervened," Keith said, throwing his banana peel at them "I don't know why I thought you were more annoying when you mad at each other. This is worse. I hate you both." He announced and went to leave when Shiro cleared his throat.
"Did you do your homework?"
"You know what? Maybe I will do heroin." Keith yelled in frustration. He turned to see Adam covering his face to hide laughter as he tugged at Shiro's arm.
"Give him Kool-aid and tell him it's heroin. Please, Takashi." He whispered and Shiro snorted, obviously trying to fight off his own laughter as he attempted to keep a straight face while staring Keith down in what was probably supposed to be a stern look.
"I can hear you." Keith threw back, glowering over his shoulder as he dragged himself to his room to collapse on his bed. He paused and pulled out his phone to text Draven in order to learn exactly how drugs worked. If he got home tomorrow and told them exactly how to do heroin...Ha, it would scare the crap out of Shiro and truly, that was what he deserved.
Unfortunately, Draven didn't know either. Figures. At any rate, Operation Free Keith was a success...Even if he sacrificed all of his patience for the foreseeable future.
"Hey!" Shiro called from the living room "Let's watch a movie. Bring over some snacks."
"I'm coming!" Adam's voice called and there was a thud as Adam rushed from wherever he was to the living room. Shiro sighed.
"I mean actual snacks, Adam."
"I am a snack-"
"Babe, I really just want some popcorn."
"That's literally the worst thing you've ever said to me."
If Keith ever had kids...He would never make them live like this.