Chapter Text
Jian Yi woke up to his hand flopping on the mattress with a little bounce. He must have rolled over in his sleep and reached for Zhan Zheng Xi. Except that the bed next to him was empty, and his hand had reached thin air.
Slowly, he cracked his eyes open and squinted in the bright daylight.
What time was it?
His hand fumbled over the edge of the mattress for his phone on the floor. The screen came alive, and Zhan Zheng Xi’s half-naked and sweaty picture greeted him. Jian Yi had sneaked the photo one day when they had been playing basketball at the nearby park. Zhan Zheng Xi had been taking a break after their one-on-one, hungrily gulping down his bottled water. The sunlight had hit the droplets of water and sheen of sweat perfectly. How can he not have made this masterpiece his wallpaper?
The little digital clock over Zhan Zheng Xi’s crotch area told Jian Yi it was afternoon. It had been a while since he had slept this late. Usually, Zhan Zheng Xi kicked him out of the bed bright and early even on the weekends.
Jian Yi looked around the apartment basking in the sunlight. It was quiet and empty.
“Xixi?” he called out.
No answer. For a while, he just sat there and listened to the silence.
“Huh. Weird.”
Zhan Zheng Xi didn’t usually go anywhere without telling him. Especially lately. The first slither of unease slipped through the cracks and caressed him from the inside. The feeling of something but not knowing what exactly.
Jian Yi flopped back on the bed and stretched out on the mattress. Somehow taking up space always helped him clear his mind and push the anxiety aside.
He had probably just gone out somewhere. To the corner shop perhaps. Or maybe someone had called sick, and he had had to fill in at work. And for some reason, he hadn’t wanted to wake Jian Yi.
Yeah, that was probably it. No reason to freak out over every little thing. Get a grip.
Jian Yi decided to lounge in bed for some time, taking full advantage of Zhan Zheng Xi not being around to shoo him to get up. He hugged Zhan Zheng Xi’s pillow and buried his face in the familiar scent.
It had been a while since he had fully enjoyed his mornings like this. For once, he hadn’t dreamed about anything – at least he couldn’t remember – and felt rested. There were no cold, musty feelings of restlessness he was in a hurry to shed first thing in the morning. No fuzzy and vague flashes that he would struggle to grasp and piece together the rest of the day.
No waking Zhan Zheng Xi up with his own whimpering and then dodging questions about it.
Jian Yi took a deep breath and rolled his shoulders to ease the tension that had crept in the muscles. Silence always sneaked up on him. Should he call Zhan Zheng Xi to see when he was coming back? Maybe tell him to bring some treats on his way. Something sweet and chocolate-related perhaps.
Relieved to have found something to occupy himself with, Jian Yi scrolled for Zhan Zheng Xi’s number. The line was mute for a while before connecting.
Suddenly something started rattling on the kitchen counter. Jian Yi jumped and almost dropped the phone. Heart pounding, he got up and walked over to the counter.
Zhan Zheng Xi’s phone. Flashing and vibrating. Jian Yi’s name on the screen.
“Weirder,” he muttered under his breath and ended the call, eager to quiet the rattle.
Zhan Zheng Xi didn’t usually leave the house without his phone. Unless he had left it behind on purpose? Maybe he hadn’t meant to be gone that long?
Yeah, Jian Yi thought to himself. That must be it. He’s just around the corner. To buy some sweets and snacks.
The screen of Zhan Zheng Xi’s phone died down, and its blackness stared back at Jian Yi. The longer he looked at the phone, the more it became a part of Zhan Zheng Xi. Of his body. A vital organ. There was no way he would have knowingly left it behind. There was no such hurry in this world.
Unless –
“Shut up,” Jian Yi muttered and shook his head as if to physically shake off the anxious thoughts. “He just forgot, that’s all. He’s just – ”
He turned to go back to bed, but what his eyes landed on froze him on the spot. There, in the bowl they kept on a small table next to the front door. On top of a pile of various junk; receipts, tickets, loose coins, and subway passes.
Zhan Zheng Xi’s bunch of keys. The yellow marker of his home key shining brightly to even where Jian Yi was standing.
A bucket of cold water was downed on him. Zhan Zheng Xi might have left without telling him. Maybe even forgotten his phone. Unlikely but possible. But there was no way he would have ever forgotten his keys. Jian Yi had never seen him stepping over the threshold without them.
Thoughts swirled in his head like little black bats left out of their cage, but he couldn’t grasp any of them. Just flashes. Frantic questions leading to scenarios each more horrifying than the next.
Had someone broken in while he had been sleeping? Had they taken Zhan Zheng Xi? Kidnapped him? Had they knocked Jian Yi out with something and that’s why he had slept so soundly? Had Zhan Zheng Xi called for help? Had they dragged him out? Hurt him? Trapped him?
Where? Who? Why?
The doorbell rang. Its shrill tore through the air. Jian Yi’s started and whipped around to stare at the door.
Had they – him – come to get Jian Yi now? Again?
Or what if this was yet another dream? It wouldn’t be the first time he’s trapped somewhere. Chased into a corner. Yanked back to the dead-end that started the cycle of the nightmare from the beginning once again. Was he actually tossing and turning next to Zhan Zheng Xi instead of standing frozen in their hallway?
Jian Yi supposed it didn’t really matter. Dream or real, he wouldn’t go back without a fight. Not this time.
Jian Yi backed away from the door until he reached their small kitchen. While keeping his eyes nailed at the door’s sturdy surface, he fumbled for the drawer where the utensils were. Blindly his hand grabbed the first thing.
The doorbell rang again, and this time it was followed by pounding of a fist.
“Jian Yi! Open up!”
Zhan Zheng Xi?
Jian Yi frowned in confusion. He stood stuck between wanting to burst the door open and glaring at it suspiciously. It could be a trap.
“Are you alone?” he hollered back.
A moment of silence.
“What are you – Yes, I’m alone. Open the door! I forgot my keys.”
Jian Yi’s sweaty hands squeezed around the weapon.
“What’s the password?”
“What password?!”
“The one only Zhan Zheng Xi knows! Say it if it's just you and no one else.”
“What are you talking about?”
“The password to enter the pillow fort.”
A longer silence.
“That’s – We were in elementary school! How am I supposed to remember that? Jian Yi, open the fucking door!”
A fist pounded the door again.
“Password!”
“Oi, you idiot – “
Zhan Zheng Xi’s angry voice was cut off by their neighbor’s door opening in the hallway. They were talking but Jian Yi couldn’t make out the words. The neighbor sounded annoyed and Zhan Zheng Xi replied to him, apologizing. The door closed with a bang, and Jian Yi flinched.
“Come on, Jian Yi,” Zhan Zheng Xi’s voice resumed – softer and coaxing, “open the door.”
Hesitant, Jian Yi shifted on his feet. Even in his own head, the situation didn’t make any sense anymore. The familiar gentle tone pulled him towards the door, but his hands were tied by invisible shackles.
“I’m scared, Xixi,” he said in a shaky voice. “I’m scared, and I don’t even know why.”
The hallway on the other side fell silent. Jian Yi pressed his forehead against the door so hard it hurt. It smelled like wood and paint. He wondered was Zhan Zheng Xi leaning against it, too, on the other side. Mere inches away and yet so far.
“Was it – the password – ,“ Zhan Zheng Xi began, “ – was it something about ogres?”
Jia Yi sniffed and perked up.
“Yes,” he said and sounded like a lost child even to his own ears.
“I can’t believe you’re making me say this…”
Zhan Zheng Xi released a sigh so heavy Jian Yi could hear it through the door.
“Ogres farts smell the worst?”
For a while, Jian Yi just stared at the wooden surface separating them before reaching for the lock with trembling hands. It clicked loudly in the empty hallway. Surprised, Zhan Zheng Xi took a step back. Jian Yi peeked through the gap and saw a slither of his familiar jacket.
“If you sniff them, you’ll be cursed,” he said.
“You will slowly die of thirst.”
“So, put a plug in their but.”
Zhan Zheng Xi’s hand had come to rest against the side of the door and coaxed it open. He took a long look at Jian Yi from head to toe. Shivering in the entryway in his boxers and T-shirt. Eyes wide and wild. His gaze halted at Jian Yi’s right hand.
“What are you doing with a butter knife?”
Jian Yi looked down at the knife in his hand like he had seen it for the first time.
“I thought I could use it.”
“Let me see that.”
Slowly Zhan Zheng Xi reached for the knife and removed it from Jian Yi’s slackened hold. Immediately after, arms wrapped around Jian Yi’s shoulders and pulled him in an embrace. He could smell the whiffs of fresh air, street dust, sunshine – the outside on Zhan Zheng Xi’s rustling jacket.
“I feel like we could’ve made the password shorter,” Zhan Zheng Xi said. “At least leave out the parts about ogre buts.”
Jian Yi gave a weak, watery chuckle. The rumble of Zhan Zheng Xi’s voice resonated deep in his chest, comforting and reassuring. He pressed closer to the solid presence and buried his face in the crook of Zhan Zheng Xi's neck. A warm hand rose to stroke the back of Jian Yi’s head.
“You want to tell me why you’re freaking out?”
“I thought they had taken you.”
“Who?”
“Just…they. I don’t know. Someone.”
“And you were going to fight them with a butter knife?”
“You could’ve been in danger.”
“The only danger I was in was being overcharged for the chocolate bars you stuff your face with.”
Zhan Zheng Xi gave Jian Yi one last squeeze before pulling back.
“C’mon, let’s get inside.”
Still holding onto the butter knife, he maneuvered Jian Yi around by his shoulders and led him to take a seat at the breakfast counter. The utensils chinked when Zhan Zheng Xi pulled the top drawer open and tossed the knife back into the mix. He shed his jacket and heaved a heavy-looking grocery bag Jian Yi hadn’t noticed until now on the counter.
“You went to the store?” Jian Yi said with a frown.
“I thought of making fried rice for dinner. We have some leftover rice from last night.”
Various packages were unloaded on the counter. A large round onion in a rustling plastic bag. A carton of eggs. Green bag of frozen peas that had started to sweat a little. Bundle of fresh carrots tied together with a band around their green tops. A package of chopped chicken strips mushed against the thin sheet of wrapping plastic. A couple of the chocolate-fudge bars Jian Yi liked.
“Why didn’t you wake me up? And you forgot your keys and phone, too.”
Zhan Zheng Xi was silent for a while. He picked the flat wok off the draining rack mounted over the sink and positioned it on the stove with a metallic clang. He set up a cutting board and a knife on the bench opposite to where Jian Yi was sitting.
“Xixi?”
Zhan Zheng Xi leaned against the bench and lifted his gaze to look at Jian Yi.
“I didn’t just go the store,” he said. “I met with Qiu.”
Jian Yi’s face darkened.
“What did he want from you?”
“I called him.”
Speechless, Jian Yi stared at Zhan Zheng Xi who lowered his eyes after a while.
“He was leaving town, so I needed to hurry. I guess I forgot my keys and phone in all that.”
“And what did you talk about? You can barely stand mentioning the guy’s name.”
Zhan Zheng Xi pulled back from the bench and crossed his arms. This time his eyes didn’t avoid Jian Yi’s stare.
“We talked about you. I called him because I didn’t know what to do anymore. I’ve been trying like hell, but nothing is working.”
He nodded towards the hallway.
“And after your freak out just now, I think I made the right decision calling him.”
Jian Yi didn’t say anything. All of a sudden, he was exhausted. Tired of making up excuses. Ashamed of losing his head. And guilty for making Zhan Zheng Xi go through all that. His mind dull, he just sat there and watched the wet spots on the counter where the bag of frozen peas had started to defrost.
The grocery bag rustled, and a piece of paper and a small orange bottle appeared on the counter in front of Jian Yi. He looked up at Zhan Zheng Xi from his haze.
“What’s this?”
“They’re from Qiu. He told me to call that number and give you one of those pills every night before bed.”
The little white tablets rattled in the plastic container when Jian Yi reached for it. The bottle was blank, with no names or instructions. The cross-ruled paper looked like it had been ripped off somewhere. The name of the drug and dosage were scribbled there in messy handwriting. Under them were someone’s name and phone number.
“Doctor Lin Hua,” Jian Yi read out loud.
“She’s a psychiatrist. Qiu said she’s someone who has worked with them before but she’s not…involved otherwise.”
Jian Yi lifted the bottle of pills.
“And these?”
“To help you sleep.”
“But I slept just fine last night.”
“That was last night. What about tonight? And the night after that? When was the last time you went a solid week without nightmares?”
Again, Jian Yi didn’t have the energy to argue. And Zhan Zheng Xi was right. More often than not his nights were restless and sleep was thin. He put the bottle down but kept fiddling with the piece of paper. Zhan Zheng Xi observed his restless shuffling for a while.
“Do you want me to make the call for you?”
Jian Yi shrugged quietly.
“I’ll call her first thing tomorrow then,” Zhan Zheng Xi said with a nod.
He snatched the paper from Jian Yi and put it on the fridge door with a magnet. It had almost perfect camouflage against the white smoothness. Jian Yi couldn’t make out the writing anymore from the distance. The little bottle Zhan Zheng Xi also put out of sight to the cupboard above the fridge. He frowned and glared at Jian Yi.
“Don’t take these on your own.”
Jian Yi rolled his eyes.
“Am I on suicide watch or something?”
“No, you’re on the idiot watch. Now, help me with dinner. You can’t take the pill on an empty stomach.”
Zhan Zheng Xi started peeling and chopping the big onion. Jian Yi was enlisted as the carrot washer. Soon, the kitchen was filled with sounds of water hitting the bottom of the sink, knife crunching trough juicy vegetables, and pieces of chicken sizzling on the wok. By the time Zhan Zheng Xi was done adjusting the seasoning – spicy or super spicy – Jian Yi’s stomach was growling with awoken appetite.
Later that night Zhen Zheng Xi watched closely as Jian Yi took one of the little pills with water. Just as Jian Yi swallowed, the chilling fact that Zhan Zheng Xi couldn’t tell for sure what he was really giving him crossed his mind. All he could do was to trust Qiu’s word. Both a bit nervous, they glanced at each other as if expecting the drug to kick in immediately.
To distract both of them, Zhan Zheng Xi set up a movie night. A late-night comedy which immature dirty jokes he knew would make Jian Yi cackle and Zhan Zheng Xi silently groan. He had suffered about halfway through the movie when he noticed Jian Yi yawning more often and starting to nod off against Zhan Zheng Xi’s shoulder.
“Let’s go to bed,” he said and turned off the movie.
Jian Yi’s eyes were glossy, and he blinked in slow motion.
“I’m not tired yet,” he mumbled.
“C’mon. I will not carry you if you pass out here.”
As soon as Zhan Zheng Xi’s head hit the pillow, Jian Yi wrapped around him like a wine. He tried to nudge some distance between them, but Jian Yi held on stubbornly.
“Oi, there’s plenty of mattress behind you. No need to sleep on top of me.”
Jian Yi just shook his head, and wisps of his hair tickled Zhan Zheng Xi's face. With a sigh, he gave in. Maybe he could untangle himself after Jian Yi was knocked out. He reached to turn off the bedside lamp, but Jian Yi tightened his hold and let out a small whine.
“What?”
“Leave it on.”
“It’s wasting energy and money.”
“Still. I just…I don’t want to be in the dark tonight.”
Quietly Zhan Zheng Xi yielded again and relaxed back on the mattress. He glanced at Jian Yi’s face. The light brows were knotted, and eyes shut tightly. The yellow glow of the lamp softened his fair skin. Zhan Zheng Xi reached to tuck an unruly lock of hair behind Jian Yi’s ear. The hazy eyes cracked open.
“Xixi?”
“Are you still scared?”
Jian Yi blinked at him slowly. It seemed his brain was struggling to make sense of what Zhan Zheng Xi was talking about.
“Of course, I’m not scared,” he said, his voice thick with sleepiness. “Because you’re here.”
With that, he burrowed his head into Zhan Zheng Xi’s shoulder, rubbed his cheek against the T-shirt, and sighed contented. Soon, all Zhan Zheng Xi could hear from his side was deep, even breathing.
“Yeah,” he said quietly and pressed a little peck on top of Jian Yi’s head, “I’m here. And I’m not letting them get you.”
The End.