Chapter Text
Javi winced a little when a group of giggly flower girls ran past him, rushing towards the rink with skates in their hands, and he immediately felt bad for feeling slightly annoyed by the noise. But he had a right not to be in the best shape, since he had landed in Canada barely two days earlier and he didn’t really manage to catch any sleep since then.
He still wasn’t sure if it was the best idea, but when Spanish federation offered him a free pass at worlds, he couldn’t really say no to that, especially when Laura slapped him with a pillow and stated apodictically that he was going.
So, there he was, so exhausted that he could barely keep his eyes open during men’s short program, and only his poor, foolish heart clenched with longing so painful he almost couldn’t breathe when it was Yuzuru’s turn to skate.
He hadn’t told him that he was coming, their texts so sporadic and awkward Javi had no idea what to write, scared of Yuzuru’s reaction.
And now there he was, walking across crowded corridors, a part of him hoping he would bump into Yuzuru, the other wishing for the total opposite.
“Javi!”
He turned around only to find some lanky creature falling into his arms, laughing loudly and knocking the air out of his lungs, and Javi couldn’t help but smile, still musing over how it was possible that Nam was taller than him.
“Old man!” Nam giggled, drawing back so Javi could get a better look at his beaming smile “How are you? What are you doing here, it’s so cool!”
“Came to see you, obviously.” Javi smiled, feeling knots in his stomach loosening up a little, wave of fondness warming him up “You’re having fun?”
“Every time, all the time.” Nam laughed and then sighed, his smile content and eyes shining happily “Man, it’s really so good to see you. Wishing you would still skate with us?”
“What, want to get your ass kicked?”
“Ha, talk about yourself, grandpa-”
It was easy, and almost surreal, to chat with Nam like that, as if nothing had really changed, and for a second Javi felt like it would be his turn in a moment, to go chage and step on the ice, perform for that buzzing crowd out there. But it wasn’t the case, and Javi had to admit to himself that the reason he was there was entirely different.
“Oho, you have that weird look on your face.” Nam said, his smile turning knowing, and a little bit mischievous.
“Meaning?”
“Meaning like you’re having an inner battle about something.” Nam chuckled before reaching to pat Javi’s shoulder “Gotta run, but I will see you around, yeah? We need to catch up!”
“Sure! It-” Javi started, but was cut off by a loud noise at the end of the corridor, and all the words died on his tongue. There was a group of people, officials, some journalists, and then Javi noticed Tracy’s blonde hair, and his stomach flipped as he realized who he was going to see in a moment and he didn’t feel like he could do that, not there, not so sudden and not with all those people around. And it wouldn’t be fair, to appear in front of Yuzuru like that, in a middle of the most important competition of the season, distract him like that with his clumsy words and complicated feelings, and even more complicated memories.
So Javi managed to smile at Nam, mutter something about seeing him later, and then he turned around, walking away and trying not to feel like he was running away.
Javi couldn’t sleep. In fact, he felt as if he hadn’t slept in ages, only falling into shallow naps, but he spent most of the time on just staring at the ceiling, or tossing around, not able to keep his eyes closed for more than few seconds. He was exhausted, his body weak and heavy, but his mind was screaming mercilessly.
He wasn’t even sure what he was going to do, now, and he felt terribly stupid and terribly lonely, in that non- descriptive hotel room, wide awake when he should be asleep, his skin feeling hot and his bones fragile.
He just wanted to sleep, and he didn’t want to sleep alone, and suddenly he was on the verge of tears because it wasn’t fair, and he wanted to go back to that time before, when he had been just learning that maybe he didn’t need someone by his side all the time to feel happy.
He almost jumped when he heard some weird noise, his brain not able to identify it at first, but then he realized that it was knocking, quiet but decided, and Javi suppressed a groan. It had to be someone from his federation, only they knew where he was staying, and they were going to get a piece of his mind, if he would be able to form coherent sentences.
But then he opened the door, and he had to lean against the frame as all energy left his body and he was only able to look, his heart picking up and stuttering, pulsing painfully through his entire body.
“Hi.”
Yuzuru seemed thinner than before, his team jacket hanging off his shoulders, white fabric matching his pale complexion. He seemed as tired as Javi was feeling, and just as miserable, and Javi felt like he would really, really cry now.
“Hi.” he said back, and noticed how Yuzuru’s hand curled into a fist for a moment, as if he wanted to hide trembling of his fingers “Uh, you want to come in?”
Yuzuru’s mouth twitched a little before he nodded silently, stepping inside the room, and Javi felt a little embarrassed for a mess he had already done, but then he forgot about, choosing to focus than Yuzuru was there, right in front of him and so close, and Javi had no idea what to do.
He wanted to ask a million questions, and judging by Yuzuru’s face, he was feeling something similar, and Javi wondered who would be the first to break the ice. Maybe it would be him, but just in a moment, because now Javi was looking at Yuzuru, his heart clenched, and he wondered if he was really ready to give up his whole life for him.
Would Yuzuru let him? Would he want it?
“You didn’t tell me.” Yuzuru said, voice a bit hoarse, and Javi wondered if he had been crying before “You didn’t tell me you were coming.”
“Yeah, I- sorry.” Javi mumbled, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly “I just- I didn’t know- how.” he finished miserably and Yuzuru blinked rapidly, and he looked as if he was suffering too, being torn apart by his own feelings and doubts.
“Why are you here.” Yuzuru murmured, and it didn’t even sound like a question, even though his eyes were full of wonder, and Javi’s throat was raw and tender and he couldn’t just not say anything, the silence between them too heavy and too risky, and Javi just decided that misunderstanding was the last thing he would want for them, not after all had happened between them.
“The team offered. Full pass in exchange of me being a moral support.” Javi said, taking the smallest step closer, and feeling ridiculously relieved when Yuzuru didn’t move away, just keep on looking at Javi with eyes that seemed just a little bit terrified “And, I guess- I wanted to talk to you.”
There he was, trying to put his thoughts and feelings into words, more clumsy than ever, feeling his heart was going to jump out of his chest.
“Oh.” Yuzuru swallowed hard, looking down briefly before meeting Javi’s eyes again, some desperate hope flicking in his eyes “I- about?”
“About what happened. Between us?”
Since when he was so awkward? Since when he couldn’t just go for it and say what he meant, what he felt?
“Oh.” Yuzuru repeated, sounding lost and helpless, and so not like Yuzuru Hanyu Javi knew, confident, success driven, decided. But now there he was, looking at Javi with expression so open and vulnerable there was no more playing games.
“I guess-” Javi breathed out, taking one, two steps more, and reaching to take Yuzuru’s hand, choosing to look at their joined fingers instead of Yuzuru’s face, just in case, just in case if he was totally wrong.
“I just thought that you might love me too.”
Yuzuru took a long, sharp breath, and when he let it out it sounded both like a sob and a strangled laugh, and Javi closed his eyes, focusing on how Yuzuru’s hand felt in his, and he wondered if in a few seconds all of what he had imagined would just fade away like a surreal dream.
And then he felt Yuzuru’s fingers wrapping around his, cold and strong, and a moment later he felt Yuzuru’s nose pressing against his cheek, warm breath fluttering against Javi’s jaw.
A few seconds of silence, dragging like eternity, two heartbeats and rapid intakes of breath.
“And you are right.” Yuzuru whispered, and before Javi could really wrap his mind around what was going on, he felt two hands grabbing his face, and suddenly he was looking at Yuzuru’s face, close and tired, and Javi felt how the whole energy he was holding left his body, and it was too much, and he just wanted to go to sleep and wake up in the world when it all would still be true.
So he didn’t say anything, just took Yuzuru’s hand and and pulled him until Javi was on his back and Yuzuru was basically on top of him, his face hidden in the curve of Javi’s neck, and Javi would love to bask in that odd, new and somehow utterly familiar sensation more, but for the first time in what felt like ages, his eyes closed, and sleep came to him easily, just like that, with Yuzuru secure in his arms, breathing calmer than before, as if he still wanted to say something.
And maybe he did say something, a hushed whisper against his ear, or maybe it was just the feeling.
And it felt like truth.
Waking up was slow, like leaving a big warm pool filled with cotton. Javi’s eyelids were heavy, and he gave up a fight of keeping them open after a few second, letting his other senses sharpen gradually.
He gasped quietly, his nerves registering something warm and soft pressed to his stomach, and Javi groaned, fighting once again to open his eyes, and when he finally managed to do so, his heart stopped for a second.
Some repositioning had happened during the night, because now Yuzuru’s face was pressed to Javi’s stomach, his breathing warm and tingling a bit of exposed skin, one arm curled around Javi’s waist securely, as if unconsciously making sure he wouldn’t go away.
Javi blinked, his eyesight and mind a bit foggy as everything started coming back to him, memories, feelings, that shy bit of hope and a question of what now.
That was a good question.
Slowly, he reached to touch Yuzuru’s hair, carding through the soft strands, and it felt so simple and so real, and was it really going to be like that, after all that struggle and tears?
Yuzuru sighed sleepily, moving a little and Javi’s hand stopped, he felt a little guilty for waking him up, but Yuzuru didn’t seem too mind. He glanced at Javi, his eyes blurred with sleep still, a small sweet smile forming on his lips before he nuzzled into Javi’s shirt, bunching the fabric a little as he kept on pressing little kisses through the thin layer, and Javi’s mouth went a dry. His brain had still some troubles witch catching up, with accepting that it was all happening, and he only stared, hand caressing the top of Yuzuru’s head until he felt warm lips pressing to tender skin of his hip.
“Yuzu.” he muttered, his voice still raw from sleep, and Yuzuru looked up at him, expression clearer than before.
“Hi.” he said, slowly climbing up Javi’s body until there were only a few inches separating their faces, and once again, it felt real and unreal at the same time, and Javi had no idea what to say, how to say it, now that he was fully rested and in the bright light of the day, with Yuzuru in his arms, looking at him with his expression soft and serious, hair sticking in all directions and the last shadows of sleep lingering in the corners of his eyes.
“What time is it?” Javi blurted out and immediately felt like an idiot, his neck burning with a blush, and Yuzuru scrunched his nose in confusion that soon morphed into fondness.
“Do you really want to know?”
“I-” Javi hesitated, reaching to touch the collar of Yuzuru’s shirt “Don’t you have some practice today?”
“I do.” Yuzuru nodded “And I don’t really care.”
“What?” Javi asked, his voice quiet and confused, sounding kind of pathetic even to him, and Yuzuru’s eyes shone with so much affection Javi’s breathing hitched.
“You’re here.” Yuzuru whispered, leaning to press a kiss to Javi’s jaw “Can we- can we eat breakfast and talk? Please. I-”
“Yeah.” Javi whispered, moving his fingers to caress Yuzuru’s nape, watching with awe how his eyelids fluttered as he leaned into Javi’s touch.
When Yuzuru was taking a quick shower Javi managed to order a simple breakfast and give himself a calming prep talk. He hadn’t really got it all planned when he was imagining what to do, what to offer, what to ask for. And now he didn’t have much time to think it through either, because then Yuzuru was back, walking out of the bathroom wearing one of Javi’s t-shirt, smiling a bit shyly, and it felt almost like during those few days in the cabin, when they had been happy and careless.
"I, uh, got some sandwiches." Javi said, and he could basically feel the tips of his ears turning pink "I hope you like?"
"Mh-mm." Yuzuru nodded, worrying his lower lip between his teeth before closing the distance between them and then pressing his mouth to Javi's, and there was a minty tang of toothpaste on his tongue, and Javi wondered dizzily if Yuzuru had used his toothbrush, and he didn't really mind, but then he forgot about it as he stepped into the familiar curve of Yuzuru's body, tangling his fingers in his hair to keep him close.
He lost track of time, too busy reminding himself slight roughness of his chapped lips and heat of his mouth, and they would probably stay like that forever, but then Yuzuru's stomach growled quietly, and he pulled away with an embarrassed groan.
"Yeah." Javi laughed, happy, awkward, and still just a little bit terrified "Let's eat. And then- yeah, we talk."
"I was planning to do that, you know?" Yuzuru murmured, taking Javi's hand and squeezing his fingers gently "Talk to you. I just- I didn't know how."
Javi hummed quietly, rubbing Yuzuru's knuckles with his thumb. They had just finished eating and now were sitting on the bed, holding hands and looking at each other.
"Me neither." Javi admitted "It was… a lot. And I was kind of mad, for a moment."
"At me?"
"At both of us. For complicating all of that."
Yuzuru nodded, biting his lip and looking down for a moment before glancing at Javi again.
"I can't even tell when it happened. Or when I realized. I just- I'm sorry that it hurt you."
"It's okay." Javi whispered, pushing words through the lump in his throat "We're here now."
Yuzuru nodded slowly before leaning forward and pressing his forehead against Javi's, quiet, intimate, his breath fluttering, and Javi felt like that was the right moment to throw the offer on the table, show how important it was to him.
"I could move back in here." he said, ignoring anxious stuttering of his heart "I just need a few-"
"No."
Javi gasped and pulled back a little, looking at Yuzuru's face and feeling something cold growing in his chest, fear that he misunderstood everything, somehow.
Yuzuru must have noticed that, because his expression changed immediately, and he reached to cup Javi's cheek, thumb moving soothingly.
"You can't come back here." he said quietly "You need your family, and sun, and do everything you dreamed of. You need to help skating in Spain, and- and I will go with you, if you let me."
It was an option Javi had never considered. It was clear to him, that Yuzuru was going to skate more, train in Toronto, and Javi made peace with the thought that he would leave Spain once again, to fight for his dreams. And now, he couldn’t make any sense of Yuzuru’s words, his brain not accepting what he heard.
“I don’t- what?” he asked pathetically and Yuzuru smiled, so unbearably gentle.
“It was just really stupid of me.” he said quietly “To pretend that it all made sense without you.”
It was too much, all of the sudden, and Javi felt lost, because it was so much more and so much different from what he had expected, and he had to close his eyes to prevent those ridiculous tears from falling, because that wouldn’t make any sense, to cry now, right?
“So now we cry, right?” Yuzuru whispered, putting both his hands on Javi’s shoulder and pushing him gently until he was on his back, and when he looked at Yuzuru he saw that his eyes were shining too.
“We have a lot of talking to do.” Yuzuru murmured, his nose brushing against Javi’s “But can I kiss you first?”
“Yeah.” Javi whispered, taking Yuzuru’s face in his hands and feeling happier than he had in what felt like ages “Yes, you can.”
“Here.” Brian smiled, handing Javi a paper cup with coffee “I can’t guarantee it’s drinkable, though.”
“I will manage.” Javi chuckled, smiling at the feeling of deja vu “Thanks!”
“Sure.”
They were slowly walking through the crowded corridors, heading towards the room press conference was going to be held in. Javi hadn’t had many opportunities to talk with Brian yet, and he knew that now they wouldn’t have much time either. But soon, hopefully, they would be able to catch up, and judging by Brian’s expression, he would love to have some longer chat too.
“I swear, you boys.” Brian sighed, a bit exasperated, but his smile was fond, and Javi chuckled again.
“It’s your fault, you know. Telling me that I should go on that vacation with him.”
“Well, I guess-” Brian shrugged, a little awkward “This is so new? And last thing I expected, when he asked for a meeting with me and Tracy, and Ghislain… and he just comes in, all calm, thanking us for all the years and-” Brian stops, and clears his throat, sending Javi a small, tired smile “Now I’m the one needing vacation.”
Javi didn’t know what to say to that, and they didn’t have time now, entering the conference room, buzzing with chatter and excitement, so he only patted Brian’s shoulder, promising to find him later before going to the back and finding a free chair next to some girl occupied with her phone.
Buzzing even intensified when all the medalists came in, and Javi smiled to himself, sitting patiently through it all and then through the first comments and questions, wondering if Yuzuru could see him from so far away.
It’s real, it’s real, it’s true.
“A question to Yuzuru, please.” some guy from the first row said, and Javi blinked, focusing again “We still didn’t have a chance to see a quad axel yet, but do you think you can achieve it next season?”
Javi’s heart skipped a beat.
Yuzuru smiled, leaning closer to the microphone.
“I don’t think so. Since it was my last competition.”
The silence that fell after those words was deafening, and the only sound Javi heard was his own heartbeat.
Yuzuru smiled again.
“I wanted to land it in a competition someday, really. But there are things I want more.”
That finally seemed to settle in, and the noise that erupted after that quickly turned into a chaos that poor moderator wasn’t able to calm down. Javi didn’t pay any mind to that, though, too busy looking at Yuzuru who was staring back at him, smiling, as if there was no one else in the room beside them.
“Your smile is really wide.” the girl next to him noted, for some reason not affected by the hectic mood around them, and Javi shrugged, not looking away even for a second.
“I’m just really, really happy.”