Chapter Text
“Hey, I’m leaving for England tomorrow.” Makishima couldn’t tell if his voice cracked or if it was simply the quality of the phone from Hakone to Chiba. Either way, He didn’t hear anything for a long, long time. He’d been avoiding this conversation for a while now, and maybe Toudou was too. But he knew it had to be said. The day before might of been a bit late-- but his hopes were to cut ties, move on. He didn’t want to be dragged down by people, he knew it would hurt too much.
“Toudou?”
“Toudou.” Jinpachi repeated, his voice sounding as serious as it did during races. This scared Makishima. “It’s Jinpachi, right? You called me Jinpachi, and you’re Maki-Chan.”
Makishima didn’t say anything, mostly because he wasn’t sure what to say. It happened a lot, but this time it was different. Like his lungs were filling slowly with water with every next word. But he knew Toudou would fill the silence, he always did.
“We can go race later today! You’re probably so bitter from losing, so bitter! Ha-ha, Maki-Chan that’s okay, I st--”
“I’m leaving tomorrow. I’m packing tonight.” He cut off his babbling, deepening the tone in his voice where he stood aside from his apartment. It was warm outside, but he felt cold. He hugged one arm around himself and ran his fingers through his hair. “I’m leaving, and I just wanted to tell you.”
He heard the familiar creaking stairs of Jinpachi’s house, and he heard the slow close of a door behind him. There was silence, nothing but the sound of breathing from either line. For a second, he thought Jinpachi had hung up, but unfortunately he was still there, still there to have his feelings hurt, and still there to claw at Makishima before he could cut his ties.
“Selfish.”
That’s all he said. Makishima felt like there was bricks on his chest when he heard his voice, angry, wavering, but powerful. His voice sounded like clenched teeth and balled fists, and Makishima felt his whole body curl inward at the tone.
“I’m selfish?” He gave a laugh- worried, frantic. “Look who’s talking, Mister God-Of-The-Mount--”
“No.” Makishima had never heard him sound so serious. He never wanted to hear him sound serious. Toudou was the one who was supposed to break the ice, lighten the mood. That’s what he was good at! Not Makishima.
“No?” He repeated, leaning on his door.
“What? I said no. Is that not in your vocabulary, Makishima? Huh? I said no, because I’m not some-- stupid puppy dog for you to just lead around for three,” He heard a sharp breath from the other line. “three years, and then just leave in the middle of everything. I can’t believe you. You have friends here, and you’re leaving? Everyone’s leaving, but you? You-- You can’t leave! You selfish fuc-- You’re l- everyone! everyone is-- Y-you’re just--”
For a moment, Makishima was sure Jinpachi was going to short circuit, overwhelmed and raising his voice to spout half-finished words. But he stopped, and that’s what scared Makishima worse.
“I’m selfish?” Makishima wasn’t laughing this time. “You’re selfish. Look at you. You’ve pestered me for three years, and now it’s my fault that I’m leaving to do something better?”
“Better.” Toudou mocked.
“Yes Toudou! Better! That’s what I said!”
“That’s what you said.”
“And you’re the one who lives in their own little fantasy world thinking everyone is in love with them. Well, maybe you’re wrong huh? Maybe you need to grow up. How about you grow the hell up, and maybe everyone wouldn’t leave you like you say happens so frequently. If you were a little more mature, maybe you wouldn’t be losing everyone. Grow up, Toudou. This is how life works, and I’m moving on to a different part of mine. Get over yourself.”
There was another long silence just like before. Makishima knew he’d try to fill the silence. He knew he’d want the last word. He waited, hand shaking over his cellphone. He’d say sorry, he’d start crying, he’d do something.
The line went dead.
Toudou was never one for breakfast food, his friends were usually the type to make stuff like waffles covered in powdered sugar, and cereal that had little floating marshmallows in it, both of which made him want to gag with the actual premise of how bad they were for you. But luckily, Shinkai was up and in the kitchen with him, and Toudou knew that Shinkai could make a mean Omelette. (Healthful, and delicious.)
“It’s pretty shitty outside.” Shinkai remarked, glancing out the window as he changed the dial on the stove. Toudou glanced up from his hands, looking out the window at the pouring rain. Toudou didn’t like rain at all. It was inconvenient, it messed up his hair more than his helmet-
It reminded him of a place he never wanted to go.
“Yeah. I think I left my bicycle out at home.” He scratched his head, feeling an unfortunate pounding against the front of his skull that felt like his head was going to burst. He brought his hand to his forehead instead, pressing on it. “It’s probably going to rust.” He cringed at the thought that his bike would rust out in the rain, but he felt like he was rusting himself.
His joints hurt and felt swollen, his muscles were just as sore. Moving was harder and harder with every minute, but in all honesty he wasn’t that upset. He wish his mouth would of rusted shut yesterday, then maybe he wouldn’t have opened his big mouth and scared Maki-Chan off.
“Wow, Jinpachi,” Shinkai snorted through his nose and looked back at him. “You really are a dumbass.” He had his usual sly, shit-eating grin on, which only egged Toudou to produce his own lopsided smirk.
“Look who’s talking, you’re such a dick.” He snickered slightly, crossing his legs under the table. (Which hurt enough that he winced, verbalizing with a noise through his teeth- and uncrossed his legs again.
“Watch it, I’m the chef. You never insult the one making the food.” Shinkai turned to face him, waving his spatula around. “Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.” He raised his eyebrows, shoving the utensil at him like it was a sword.
Toudou raised his arms in surrender, leaning back and chuckling. Shinkai turned back to his food, moving around the spatula in the pan. Toudou had always had a strong friendship with Shinkai, hell, they used to be a notorious duo when it came to pranking, and pestering Arakita. It was times like these that made Toudou yearn for his team again. He wished he could turn the clocks back to highschool and stop everyone from leaving.
And now he had made himself sad.
“Hey, Shinkai, I’m going to go take a shower okay? Do you know where Fukutomi’s shower is?” He stood up, peering at the clock on his tippy-toes. It was pretty early, nine o’ five. He had time for a twenty minute shower, if he was quick.
“Yeah. Up the stairs, past the guest room, at the veee-ry end.” He was speaking distantly, taken by his current activity. Toudou didn’t mind because it was his omelette he was making, the harder he worked on it the tastier it would be. (Or at least he hoped. Who knew, he might find bites of powerbar in that thing.) But, before he could turn to leave, he heard his friend’s voice again.
“Hey, Jinpachi? I just… Wanted to ask.” Toudou turned on his heels, smiling brightly. His head hurt when he smiled, so he stopped- but he knew Shinkai would understand.
“Yeah? Go ahead.” Shinkai put his spatula down, and cleaned his hands on the dish towel as he made his way over to Toudou. He put a large hand on his shoulder, looking at Toudou with pity.
“Are you okay? Yesterday you seemed kind of rough after you came inside and…” He raised his eyebrows, creating his trademark puppydog eyes. Toudou didn’t know how to respond, so instead he looked as happy and as normal as he could, lying through his teeth.
“I’m fine!” He didn’t realize his voice raised, but he did realize the now-familiar pang in his gut. He wanted to hunch over and let the tears pour out of him but he couldn’t. Not yet.
“...Yeah. Just checking.” Shinkai was taken aback, but he coined his finger-gun-and-wink. “Stay beautiful, right?”
Toudou couldn’t help but laugh at that, relieving the pressure on his shoulders. “Of course. Right back at you, Shinkai.” He did his own point back, letting Shinkai turn to go back to his food.
He shuffled briskly out of the kitchen, looking at Arakita sitting ever-so-elegantly on the couch, boxers, can of soda, and yelling at the baseball highlights on TV. Arakita didn’t seem to notice his presence despite the fact that he was standing obviously in the doorway.
“What’re you looking at?” He spat angrily at the bunny sitting across from him on the couch- even though Toudou almost yelled back a defensive “Nothing!” before he realized he wasn’t talking to him. He decided he should go before it was directed at him. He climbed the stairs, and made a beeline down the hall. He didn’t want to bump into anyone, he just wanted to shower off the sluggish feeling that he assumed was that famed “hangover” that his friends supposedly dreaded more than the plague. He knocked on the door, lost in his thoughts.
Toudou jumped at the sound of someone falling against the tile, and then scrambling up. The mysterious person flung the door open.
Manami. Who else could it have been.
“Senpai!” He proclaimed, trying to push his hair back into place. “Gosh, I must of woke up late! Super weird, Toudou-San!” He flashed his pearly white smile, hovering over Toudou. Did he grow? Toudou felt short-- this wasn’t okay. Who gave Manami the right to hit his growth spurt before him?!
“You’re not late, I’m just up earlier. I just wanted to use the shower.” He scratched his neck, glancing over Manami’s shoulder. The bathroom looked messy. A soggy pillow in the tub, Manami’s shirt on the toilet seat, and toothpaste (he hoped it was toothpaste) on Manami’s chin and a bit on the tips of his hair. There was an uncomfortable glance exchanged between them, before Toudou cleared his throat through the silence.
“...Did you sleep in the bathroom?” Toudou muttered with a confused expression, watching closely as the young boy in front of him nodded with.. excitement? This should be good.
“The bathtub! Arakita actually didn’t know I was there, and he got in and screamed! He stepped on my legs, but I just laughed at how terrified he looked. That made him angrier, it seems. You know, he was naked, and Arakita has a really weird looking-”
“No, no that’s fine!” Toudou started covering his ears, but not soon enough, before Manami shouted in joyful tone:
“Belly-Button! Did you know he’s an outie? Senpai, you learn something new every day.”
Toudou pinched the bridge of his nose, nodding along with the story.
He had a feeling that he would be here for a while.
An orange pop-up came up at the corner of his screen. “Toudou Jinpachi is online!”
Makishima raised his eyebrows, clicking on the notification and taking him to Toudou’s profile. His clicker hovered over the messenger box, leaning back in his chair.
Toudou hadn’t been on for a while, he noted-- not since they had their fight. It was possible that he had been online but just changed his status to “invisible,” because he knew Toudou couldn’t stay off the internet that long. That only made him even more hesitant to message him.
His head lolled against the chair, his eyes focusing lazily on the rain outside. Did it have to rain this much in England? It was summer, and he felt himself homesick for the humid summers back in Japan. That wasn’t all he missed- but something about days like these made him long for the things he used to find unbearable back in Japan. Humid summers, loud insects that would chirp outside your window and buzz throughout the thick air, and of course-- Constant messages from Jinpachi.
makishima: hey. [8:21 AM]
Was that creepy? He looked at it for a second, before sending yet another message.
makishima: how are the first years? have they made up yet? [8:22 AM]
He waited for a few minutes, pretending that he was focusing on his unfinished sketch in front of him. He even checked if his headphones were plugged in when he didn’t hear a notification back. He pulled up the window again.
Ironic that he was the one sending all these messages, right? It had to be karma. Or maybe Toudou didn’t see them yet, or his skype hadn’t sent him the notification!
makishima: have you gone to university yet, or are you still trying to convince people that “being as pretty as you are” is a full time job? [8:30 AM]
makishima: you’ve got me convinced. [8:32 AM]
[Seen: 8:32 AM]
[Toudou has gone offline.]
He finally got Manami to move after he talked for twenty minutes about belly buttons, and even pulled up Toudou’s shirt to examine his. He would of enjoyed the company any other day, but in honesty he was much relieved to be in the bathroom alone with no one to ask him if he was okay, or if he was an outie or an innie, peace and quiet. Thank god.
He turned the water on, switching it to the shower head, And bent down to unplug the tub. He straightened his back again and turned to the mirror, examining his reflection. He had circles under his eyes, his lips looked thoroughly chapped, and had red around the edges. His hair was in every direction- why didn’t anyone tell him he looked this shaken? He locked the door, unable to bear the sight of his disheveled appearance any longer. He started by taking his shirt off over his head and tossing it on the sink counter. Then he slipped out of his pants, along with his boxers. (Where the hell did he leave his shoes?) Once he had his clothes in a haphazard pile, he slipped into the shower and shut the curtain.
The water was almost scalding, hot enough to make steam come off his reddening skin. He’d always preferred showers that were this way, once you got used to it it felt like the bathhouse.
But he smelled like vomit, so he didn’t stop to enjoy the heat in the bathroom, grabbed the soap bar and started scrubbing. Maybe Makishima would just act like nothing happened, or pretend he had never said anything to him about being in… love. God. He couldn’t believe himself. “I think I’m in love with you.” He couldn’t have just settled for “I like you!”
No. Mister-All-Or-Nothing Toudou had to go and screw everything up by whipping out the big three word phrase, and step on their metaphorical sandcastle of friendship. He dragged his hands down his face.
He felt like a disaster.
He tapped his knuckles against the side of the bar, his pony tail tickling the back of his neck whenever the door opened and made a breeze.
(“All you need to do is find a girl, you’re just lonely.” Makishima’s friend had told him earlier at the studio, leaning against the wall. “Look, girls eat that ‘I’m so mysterious and alien’ thing you’ve got going on. They dig that.”)
He was right. Makishima was just lonely, is all. He took a glance around the bar, eyes settling on a girl near the speakers. She was smaller than him, but most girls were. Short black hair, ending at her jawline. Her cheeks were rosy like she had just been laughing, and her ears stuck out with red tips that made her look.. warm.
She was talking with her friends, drink in hand- and Makishima thought she looked nice enough. She had a flat chest, admittedly, with wide set hips that made up for it. Gravure girl, or at least the body of one. Her laugh was loud, though. He could hear it from his side of the bar. He should talk to her.
Makishima didn’t budge from his spot, taking another sip of his drink. Suddenly, she caught his eye, and he could do nothing but sheepishly smile. She looked taken aback for a second, but smiled back, bringing up a dainty set of fingers to wave. As if she didn’t even notice his wave in return, she turned back to her conversation. She must get guys attention all the time. She was probably used to it, if he tried to talk to her it’d be nothing but a failed attempt from the start.
Something about a girl with crushing confidence and dagger eyes made his head go dizzy and his palms sweat. Something about a guy with a laugh that made him sound like he had a secret made his heart miss a beat. Makishima was never one for the whole romance scene, but he couldn’t help but indulge in the unobtainable.
Sitting in the corner with his false sense of uninterest, waiting for any prey loud and dumb enough to replace that person-shaped hole in his already eroded emotions.
Toudou was a little late to breakfast, it took him a while to bathe. But he got dressed again after he brushed his hair out and dried it with the towel, making his way back into the kitchen. Manami was talking to Onoda at the breakfast table, Shinkai was making something for them, and … Makishima was at the island, eating a bowl of sugary, disgusting, cereal.
He walked in silently and sat on the other side of the Island, turned towards Shinkai and not Makishima. He couldn’t even look at him.
“Hey, Jinpachi, could you pass me a napkin?” Makishima spoke up, reaching over and touching Toudou’s shoulder as if he was trying to shake him out of a trance.
“Yeah, sure.” He slid the napkins over without looking, brushing his hair out of his eyes with his fingers and leaning on the counter. “You know that cereal is really bad for you, right? Toudou cleared his throat out of any mucus that had settled there, forcing himself to look anywhere but Makishima.
“Onoda said it was good.” He said calmly in return. Toudou didn’t push the issue, he was too lazy, too tired, too afraid. Please someone who wasn’t Makishima speak to him.
“Hey senpai,” He took it back. Anyone but him. “Have you gone to university yet?” Manami leaned over the table, and Toudou turned on the stool to make eye contact.
“Hm? No, I haven’t.” He sounded cocky, leaning back in his chair. “I’m going professional with my racing. It’s a work in progress.” He smiled confidently, only to hear a snort behind him.
He glared back over his shoulder, looking at Makishima who had a dumb grin on his face. “Professional Mountain God, huh?” He mocked, but Toudou knew he was only teasing. However, with his fragile hungover emotions, he instantly went to anger.
“I-I’m your ride home you damned spider, watch your tone or I’ll leave you here in HakoGaku-hell!” He whipped his hand around and pointed with such vigor that it made everyone in the kitchen (Save Shinkai, who was very into making waffles.) snicker at his seriousness.
Toudou tried his hardest but couldn’t help but start to laugh a little too, a smile peering across his face. He tried to stay angry, yelping a “stop it!” but that only brought on laughing harder.
It was four in the morning, and he had a deadline for his presentation on winter trends in six hours. He wasn’t any good with computers, in fact, he would of been asleep hours ago if he knew how to make this elusive “powerpoint” on the fancy laptop he had received from his brother who claimed it would make designing “so much easier.” (He was a dirty liar.)
[Toudou is Online.]
Makishima’s eyes caught the notification, but he promised himself not to get his hopes up, and straightened out his posture to go back to his work.
[New Message from Toudou.]
He almost looked twice, unbelieving that after almost six months he had finally received a message. Was it good? Was it bad? His stomach churned as his mind rushed to the worst case scenario. He pulled up the window and his focus shot down to the text.
Toudou: Merry Christmas Maki chan!!! [4:03 AM.]
Toudou: I can’t believe it’s almost Christmas!! yesterday, manami and onoda raced and i was the referee. but i cant tell you who won it’s a secreeet!!!
Makishima almost felt at home for a second, like he was just back from school and his phone was vibrating off the hook. And he couldn’t stand it but he never failed to respond to every stupid message even though he had no idea where Toudou got his kicks from it. He felt tears prickle in his eyes, but he didn’t understand why. He was tired, Toudou messaged him, so what. So what.
He slipped back into that sneaky smile that he saved for Jinpachi, typing back:
makishima: It’s not very merry, it’s like two degrees here. [4:05 AM]
makishima: but i’m sure they both had a very fun time, no matter who won.
[Toudou is typing…]
Toudou: Maki chan wtf!! go to bed!! it’s like 4 over there!! [4:06 AM]
makishima: then why did you message me if you knew it was so early? [4:06 AM]
[Toudou is typing…]
[Toudou is typing…]
[Toudou has gone Offline.]
Once he had said goodbye to Shinkai and Manami and everyone else who he saw, he got his jacket and located his shoes which were still in the hiding-closet from yesterday. Makishima found his headband and handed it off to him, and they both made a frantic sprint out to the car through the rain. When they got in there was a burst of laughter.
“You look like you’re covered in seaweed! Have you seen yourself?” Toudou was wheezing at the sight of Makishima covered in green strands of hair. He was grinning from ear to ear, with every movement his skull pounding from his still prominent-hangover.
“K’uha! Look at you, you look like a drowned bug with those little hairs sticking up!” Makishima mocked him, putting his fingers up at his hairline like the antennas that shot out of Toudou’s headband.
Toudou sneered, leaning back in his seat. “You’re unbearable.” He muttered with a fake pout, eyebrows raised. He watched out of the corner of his eye as Makishima’s smile shifted into one he hadn’t seen since the day they last raced.
“Then why do you stick around?” His voice was quiet, but Toudou heard it. He didn’t respond that time, not because he was angry, but because Makishima knew why.
Had he known that Toudou was going to drunkenly confess his love and then proceed to vomit on his shoes, maybe he wouldn’t have had any drinks so that he could drive the poor idiot home. But instead, he was himself under the influence, with vomit on his shoes, with the Moron-of-the-Mountains draped over him, crying.
“Is Toudou okay? I was just coming out to see if you guys knew were Arakita went off to and--” Shinkai Hayato, he knew that guy. He had never seen him looking so worried, but then again he had only seen him hunched over a bike wheezing like his lungs where coming out.
“Please remove him.” Makishima talked over him, raising his arms. Shinkai compiled, only for Toudou to reach out for Makishima like a child with separation anxiety. Makishima pushed Toudou’s hands down, while rubbing his mouth with his sleeve. His cheeks were pink like sick infant, his eyes half open and gazing at him.
“He puked on my shoes.” Makishima looked to his feet, half to get away from the way Toudou looked at him helplessly, and half to escape explaining the situation to Shinkai. Sliding the now ruined sneakers off, he took a step away from them. He reached over to Shinkai and took Toudou’s arm to put it over his own shoulder.
“Should I get him a bucket or something?” Shinkai inquired, anxiously letting go of his friend. His hands fell together, twiddling as he carefully looked after the two.
“Yeah. I’m going to take him and calm him down, okay?” Makishima stepped into the garage, making sure to use the back hall so no one would see them. He sat Toudou down in the dining room, which was it’s own adventure. He pushed one chair over to face Toudou’s chair, which had him lying in it, sobbing and hiccuping against the armrest. He pulled him up by hi shoulder, taking tissues and wiping off his face, even though every time he dried his cheeks Toudou wet them again with every wave of tears.
“You’ve got to calm down or you’ll get sick again, Jinpachi.” He muttered and leaned his own elbow on the table, propping his head against his hand while he watched his friend stumble to reply.
“Y-You’re, you’re never going to talk to me again!” Spit ran down his chin and dripped on his shirt, only making him more upset. Makishima felt bad. Was this his fault? He couldn’t believe only he had made Toudou this upset. But he couldn’t help but feel guilt within his chest, constricting his lungs.
“I’m talking to you right now, Jinpachi.” Makishima replied, in a calm, unemotional tone.
“You don’t like me anymore!” He bellowed, tossing his hands over his face and sinking down in his chair.
“I like you, Jinpachi.” Once again, pulling his hands from his face and wiping the fresh tears from his cheeks. His face was hot against his cold hands, which made Makishima recoil at the surprisingly feverish touch.
“...” Toudou sucked his tears up, rubbing under his nose and irritating the skin. “You really mean it?”
“I really, really mean it.”
Makishima was against the sudden shift, but Toudou leaned over and rested his head down on his shoulder, making Makishima shiver at how he clung to him, even pulling himself onto the edge of Makishima’s knees to get comfortable, leaning over into him. He was tired himself, but only after he realized that he had something this emotional to deal with. And that was Toudou. He realized that he had to deal with Toudou.
He sat there for a while, listening to Toudou fall asleep on his shoulder. Shinkai showed up with a bucket about thirty minutes later.
“Here it is!” He proclaimed, standing with the bucket out in front of him. Makishima noted that Shinkai would not be someone to rely on in fast-acting situations.
Makishima shushed him immediately, motioning to the sleeping body that clung to him. Shinkai nodded with childlike curiosity.
“He must of been tired.” Shinkai whispered.
“Something like that,” Makishima replied.
When Makishima parked the car, Toudou groaned over the radio. This prompted Makishima to shut it off, which only made Toudou groan again and mumble something about him “liking that song.”
“I don’t want to run through the rain again, it’s dreadful.” Toudou’s hair was almost dry now, and he had no interest in wetting it again. They barely talked the whole ride, and he knew if he got soaked again he’d have to shower, and if he had to shower he couldn’t go straight to bed, which meant he was more likely to have to confront Makishima instead of sleeping until he forgot.
“It’s just a little rain, Jinpachi.” Makishima looked out the window, and Toudou watched him through his reflection on the glass. He could barely see the pale, porcelain skin through the window’s ghostly surface. “You can go straight to dry off, but I can’t pull any closer to the door with this car.”
He took the keys out of the ignition, the temperature in the car dropping instantly. Toudou shot a glare for this, his hands flying over his shoulders to hug himself in an attempt to keep warm. Makishima handed over the keys, and Toudou slid them in his pocket.
“On the count of three?” Toudou proposed, opening his door just a bit. A few droplets fell in and got onto him, making him scooch away from the crack.
“On the count of three.” Makishima agreed, opening his own door and leaning closer to it for easier access to get out.
“One, two-- three!”
Toudou flung the door open and shut it as quick as he could, speeding to the door in a wild dash. Toudou made it first, his hands fumbling in his pockets for his keys. He pulled them out, his fingers moving inefficiently to find the right key.
“I-I forget which opens the front door!” He spat bitterly, his body practically drenched at this point. Makishima reached his hands over and Toudou thought he was helping with the keys, but instead he covered their hands so he couldn’t see any keys.
“Maki-Chan, this isn’t the time t-”
When he turned his head up to yell, he was met with a cold, wet pair of lips pressed against his own. His body bent backwards, only for Makishima’s to tower forwards, looming over him with his eyes opened and his lips shut tight against Toudou’s in the numbingly cold rain.
(M-Maki-Chan was such a creepy guy!)
The keys dropped from his hands, hitting the wet porch with a “plop” noise. He could feel long, knobby fingers dropping from his own hands to feel around his waist and link behind his back. Toudou pushed his hands forward onto Makishima’s chest, grabbing his translucent, damp tee-shirt and dragging him closer.
He knew Makishima would come around eventually. He always did have a thing for the unobtainable.