Chapter Text
In spite of how weary and worthless Petra felt by the end of their strength training, the next journey beyond Wall Rose, the 55th Expedition, was a great success. They delivered all the provisions they’d brought with them, nearly completing the supply route to Wall Maria. On the way back, they even captured two titans for Squad Leader Hange. Best of all, they only suffered five casualties and eleven serious injuries: fewer losses than any expedition since Petra had graduated. Before her first mission, she would have been shocked that she could associate five deaths with a positive outcome. Now, it was still difficult to accept fatalities, but she took comfort from the fact that their deaths had accomplished something meaningful. For once, when they returned to the gates of Trost, she didn’t feel ashamed when she met the eyes of the people who crowded around them. She only felt grateful that the sacrifices of her comrades had allowed the Survey Corps to achieve so much.
Petra couldn’t attribute their success to a single cause. Certainly, part of it had been luck: while they’d fought titans, there hadn’t been many of the serious, unanticipated factors that could quickly turn even the best-planned expedition into a disaster. Another cause, she thought, was the growing number of veterans. The Survey Corps still had several squads of survivors from her trainee year, and twice as many from the year after her. By now, they’d gained enough experience to know just how to react in most situations. In particular, she and her squad mates had all shone during this mission. Not one of them had failed to increase their solo and assisted kill counts.
In the middle of it all was Levi. If they’d shone, he had eclipsed the sun. Wherever titans couldn’t be avoided, he was there, cutting them down with inhuman grace and contemptuous ease. The relative lack of unexpected hazards meant that, for the first time, they hadn’t needed to split their squad, allowing Petra to see the full extent of Levi’s virtuosity up-close. In general, he had a tendency to solo multiple targets while they handled a smaller number of other titans between them. On such occasions, they were too busy fighting for their lives to heed what he was doing. During this expedition, however, they’d fought exclusively side by side. Petra now appreciated just how much he could do, in a way far deeper than she had before. It set her mind to wondering if every soldier had his potential locked within them, or if Levi possessed a once-in-a-generation talent.
A few days after their return, when she brought tea to his room, she decided to ask him. She allowed one cup of tea to pass in silence, in case there was something he wanted to discuss, but when he said nothing she took it as a sign that she could present her question.
“I don’t want to take false encouragement from the last expedition,” Petra said, refilling their cups. “Our success might have been a fluke, and it still wasn’t without a human cost. All the same, I think that the guys and I have improved in combat since you chose us. I’m really pleased with how we did.”
Levi nodded. “You shouldn’t get over-confident… but some confidence is justified.”
She smiled, warmth spreading through her chest. Even though she’d mentioned their improvement as a way to introduce what she really wanted to discuss, she hadn’t expected him to agree. It felt good not to have her positive assessment shut down immediately. “Thank you,” she said sincerely, before moving on to the main matter. “Even so, I can’t help but feel… that you’re as far ahead of us as ever.”
He gave her an oblique glance. “I know you all count your kills, but it’s not a fucking competition.”
She gave a low laugh. “Of course you’re not in competition with us. You’re out of our league.”
He took a drink of tea, all the while looking at her directly. “Where are you going with this, Petra?”
She felt herself get a little flustered at the unbroken eye contact, but she tried to push that reaction down, to not get distracted from what she wanted to ask. “I’m wondering if it’s possible for any of us to become as skilled as you, or if you’re simply… inimitable.”
His eyes narrowed. “Of course I’m imitable.” A pause. “Open the top of your shirt.”
Petra nearly choked on her tea. She felt colour flooding her cheeks. Why had he asked her that…?
Levi blinked, seemingly taken aback by her reaction.
The very fact that he was surprised by her blushing meant that he couldn’t possibly have meant anything untoward. “Ah, sorry!” she managed. Hesitantly, she put down her cup and unbuttoned the top of her shirt.
Levi, still looking slightly bemused, took a handkerchief from his pocket, shook it out, and leaned towards her. He tucked the white cloth into place at her collar.
Looking down, Petra saw that it made a serviceable imitation of a cravat. Understanding stole over her.
“There,” he said. “Perfectly imitable.” A note of sarcasm entered his voice. “You and Oluo can make a club.”
“You…!” Laughing, she pulled the handkerchief away from her throat and playfully threw it back at him.
Calmly, Levi caught the handkerchief and went about refolding it.
After a few moments, when he was done and her laughter had subsided, she said: “That was really funny. But I’m not talking about superficial imitation.”
Levi shook his head. “You think you don’t mean superficial imitation, but you do.”
Petra’s brows creased in confusion. “I swear, Levi, I’m really asking about combat… not the clothes you wear or the way you talk.”
For a while, he sat in silence. Then, with faint reluctance, he said: “You don’t know where I’ve come from, the things I’ve seen, or what I’ve done.”
Petra felt her breath catch in her throat. She did her best not to gape at the severe, unexpected swerve in conversation.
Levi’s gaze unfocused as he went on: “Certain things that I experienced long before I joined the Survey Corps… things that I’ll never tell you… made me able to overlook everything except what helped me to survive. Unless someone’s prepared to go through that… and I absolutely don’t recommend it… any imitation will always miss the central point.”
Petra had heard rumours that the captain had been a thug in the underground of the capital before joining the Survey Corps, but she’d imagined he’d been a thief, stealing to survive. At worst, she’d thought, he might have been an enforcer in a criminal gang. But what he’d alluded to seemed worse than any possibility she’d considered.
Even though he’d left a lot unsaid, she was still surprised by the extent of his self-exposure. He’d said that he’d never tell her the details of his old life… but, in fact, nothing had obliged him to bring up the subject at all. Perhaps, at some level, even if he wasn’t fully aware of it, he wanted to tell her. Still, the haunted look in his eyes, as if he was caught in some old memory, made her feel that it hadn’t been easy for him to raise the subject. She had to respect his ambiguous feelings about his past.
“If you ever do want to discuss it, I’ll listen,” she said, “but I won’t pry. You’re my friend and I respect your boundaries.” So much so that she’d never transgress them by confessing feelings other than friendship, even if her heart ever became completely clear.
Levi, in turn, seemed not to have anticipated her own words. When she called him her friend, his gaze refocused and he looked at her sharply. His brows contorted in an expression that she couldn’t read. His mouth opened slightly, but he didn’t speak.
It suddenly occurred to Petra that she’d never called him that before, had never told him that these weekly occasions had led her to feel a personal bond with him. She didn’t think that the connection was all in her imagination. Hadn’t he been the one to invite her in? Hadn’t he freed their discussions here from the restrictions of commander and subordinate?
Nonetheless, feelings might run much deeper on her side than his. Indeed, she could hardly imagine that they didn’t. While Levi sometimes showed rare flashes of vulnerability in her presence, ordinarily he seemed masterfully self-sufficient. At times, Petra felt pathetically needy by comparison. Now, in a panicked moment, she worried that she’d overstepped the bounds of their weekly meetings. Overwhelmed by the need to fill the silence before he did – before she had to endure him saying “Petra, we’re not friends” – she rushed to change the subject. “Anyway, your past puts my military training in perspective.” She had no idea if this was the right thing to say, but she plunged on regardless. “I thought it was tough getting shouted at by ex-Commander Shadis… running through mud and snow… being told that my manoeuvre skills are more suited to planting potatoes than fighting titans!”
The tension in Levi’s face eased, albeit not completely. “Maybe I had it easy after all,” he deadpanned.
Petra smiled at the tone of his words. She hoped that it didn’t cost him much to trivialise his past experiences, even as a mutually understood joke. “Say,” she went on, hoping to keep the subject in a comfortable zone, “is there anything you’d change about the way recruits are trained? We can’t fully imitate you in combat, but surely some improvement is possible.” She paused for a moment, thinking. “It can’t all just be window dressing. Trying to wield the blades with the grip you use surely isn’t just as superficial as wearing a cravat.”
Levi took a drink before responding. “Before I joined the Survey Corps, I used illegal manoeuvre gear for a long time. Back then, there was no one to tell me that my way of gripping the blades was ‘wrong.’ I found a method that suited me, rather than being restricted to orthodox technique.” He took another sip. “Maybe we should teach trainees differently from the start… give them a chance to find their own style. The trouble is, the instructors are only very good at teaching one style.” He fixed her with a flat look. “I take it you’re not suggesting that I should start teaching trainees instead of leading this squad.”
Petra blinked. Clearly, he was being flippant, but the very thought of losing him to the Training Corps made her heart skip a beat. “Of course not! You’re needed on expeditions.” She needed him close as well, but she wasn’t about to say that out loud.
Levi nodded calmly. “Exactly.”
They both drank some tea.
At length, he added: “If anyone in this squad has a chance of learning my fighting style, it’s Oluo.” Frowning, seeming to pull the words out of himself against his will, he went on: “However… if you want to attempt it… I’ll try to teach you… but you won’t find it easy. Frankly, your strengths lie elsewhere.”
Petra felt stunned. Levi was offering her a chance to learn some of his methods… but, judging from his words and body language, he wasn’t especially keen to do so. Hesitantly, she managed: “I want to be better at everything that could help the Survey Corps.”
“Sure,” Levi said. “But imitating my combat style isn’t the best way to use your time. You’re already reasonably competent using standard methods. You could work at further improving those instead. Why risk your comrades’ lives by using any style but your best?”
She had no answer to that… But another question did come to mind. “You can just order me to do what you think is right. Why leave the choice up to me?”
Levi looked away. “Giving you orders… isn’t what I most want to do in this context.” At length, he glanced back at her. “But the main reason is that, if you do this, it’ll be on top of all your other duties.”
Petra blanched. For a moment, she sat transfixed, wondering how she’d manage to cram in additional training, on top of everything she did already.
“You think I’ve forgotten how hard the strength training was on you?” he asked. “Now imagine extra sessions with me as well.”
She remembered how he’d pronounced a merciless judgement after she’d worn herself out: her best needed to be better. Yet now he was willing to let her choose whether or not to give her all. “You told me that weightlifting shouldn’t have made me so tired… You said I had to get better.”
“You must and you will. But that’s a standard, non-optional duty. Doing more than that is your choice.” He took a long drink of tea and waited for her to answer.
Petra felt out of her depth. She knew how she’d reached this point, but it wasn’t where she’d intended to end up, and she wasn’t sure how to go forwards. Trying to understand what she should do, she went back over his words. One thing stuck out: contrasting her with Oluo, he’d said her strengths lay elsewhere. Oluo was much better than her at solo combat, whereas she excelled at fighting in a team. Was it more important for her to patch up her weak spot or to further improve what she was best at? Levi seemed to think the latter, but it was important to move beyond her comfort zone as well.
At last, she said, “Maybe learning your special moves isn’t essential. But I do need to get better at solo combat. I know you generally pair me with one of the guys, but anything can happen in an expedition. I need to be prepared.” She hesitated for only a moment before continuing: “Whatever you can teach me that you think is a good use of my extra training time, I’ll dedicate myself to learning.”
Levi seemed to mull that over. Eventually, he nodded. “It shouldn’t take many more missions to finish the supply route. After that, expeditions will be different to what you’re used to. Diversifying makes sense.”
Petra managed a tremulous smile. “I’m glad you agree.” She took a long drink of tea and allowed herself to look ahead, beyond issues of training, towards what the future might bring if they managed to complete the supply route. “How do you think expeditions will change?”
“The highest priority will be setting up a lift on the inner wall of Shiganshina,” Levi said. “If we manage that, a lot more will become possible. Once supplies can be hauled to the top of that wall, a select group of Survey Corps members will be able to stay in the field semi-permanently.”
She gasped. “Really…?” She’d never heard him or Commander Erwin mention this before.
He nodded. “Really. The titan that broke through the outer wall should be too big to reach the inner one. None of the others can reach the top. Assuming no other strange types show up, the top of the inner wall is the only permanently safe place on the other end of the supply route.” He grimaced. “Of course, it’ll be a shitty place to live for long periods of time. Nothing fucking civilized like this.” He gestured to her tea set. “And only the area around the gate is wide enough to camp on safely. It won’t fit more than my squad, Hange’s, and Mike’s. But our presence there will make things easier for everyone else trying to retake our lands.”
“That’s amazing,” Petra marvelled. The next stage of the Survey Corps’ efforts would take her away from the familiar world of her home, from the family and friends she loved, but it was the logical culmination of the work they’d been doing since she’d become a scout. While it was frightening to think of being in the field for so long, it was also exhilarating to imagine all the hard work and sacrifices beginning to pay off. “I had no idea that living on top of Wall Maria was part of the plan for us,” she said.
“It all relies on completing that supply route,” Levi cautioned her.
“I think we can do that,” she said.
“We’ll give it our all,” he agreed. “Sooner or later, we’ll succeed... but it might not be in any circumstances we can predict now. I’ve seen too many of Erwin’s strategies ruined to assume this one will go to plan.”
The grim truth of those words couldn’t be avoided. They both fell silent. For a time, they did nothing but drink their tea. Eventually, Petra said: “If it does succeed, we won’t get to do this for a while.” She divided the remaining tea between their cups, making it quite clear that she was referring to their weekly meetings.
Levi replied: “We’ll just have to make up for that afterwards.” As soon as those words left his lips, his eyes widened slightly and he froze.
Petra glanced at him in surprise. Levi, the one who always warned her against over-optimistic plans for the future, had just said that? Moreover, his attitude and expression seemed to indicate that there was some meaning in his words that he hadn’t quite meant to convey. She spent a few wild moments trying to figure out what that could be.
Then, as she continued to watch Levi and saw him still rooted stiffly in place, she realised that understanding wasn’t important right now. Affirmation was. “Of course we will,” she said, giving him a small smile. “Once our duties in the field are completed, we’ll have plenty of time for other things.”
After a long moment, Levi unfroze enough to put down his cup, but not enough to say anything further. He continued to look at her, his brow deeply furrowed.
Perhaps, Petra thought to herself, Levi sometimes allowed himself to have hopes for the future, in spite of the voice of pragmatism that normally ruled him. If so, she seemed to be part of those hopes. That warmed her heart more than she could adequately express. Her earlier fears, the ones that had led her to imagine Levi firmly denying friendship with her, seemed absurd. Hoping to convey some small part of what she felt in that moment, she allowed herself to add: “I look forward to those times. I’ll put every moment of my extra training towards getting there.”
Levi managed a nod. His look became a little less guarded, though an element of confusion remained.
Privately, Petra noted that she wouldn’t have been able to decode those expressions even a couple of months ago.
It didn’t take long for them to finish the tea that remained. Petra treasured each moment as it passed. These meetings were even more precious now. As they sipped the last of the tea, she felt the silence between them become more comfortable and noticed Levi’s expression return to normal (though, unless she imagined it, a slight uncertainty seemed to remain, underlying everything).
He didn’t say anything further to her before she gathered up the tea set. Even when she did so, he only uttered his usual, brief thanks. Petra averred that she truly owed thanks to him, for agreeing to direct her additional training. With a warm smile, she left him to his own devices.
Afterwards, while she was cleaning up, she mulled over the conversation they’d had. After some time, she realised that Levi had never said exactly when or how they’d “make up” for the lost tea meetings. She’d assumed he was referring to a time directly after their theoretical field duty was finished. But, in fact, there were so many factors at play that it was impossible to imagine what their circumstances might be then, assuming they were both alive. Depending on what the Survey Corps achieved, their next missions could be anything. The only circumstance in which they’d be guaranteed to be able to catch up again… would be once the titans were defeated, once and for all, and such a peace for humanity was ensured that they would be able to do what they wished, without duty pulling them in one direction or another. In such a world, the Survey Corps might not even exist anymore. And, if she hadn’t fallen wholly victim to wishful thinking, Levi still wanted to maintain a connection with her in such a world.
Petra’s grasp on her teacup faltered.