Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

It’d taken a few more days, too many cups of the nasty medicinal tea, and Jingyi and Sizhui swapping out using their qi to help Jin Ling to get to a place where he no longer needed the talismans to keep his leg in place. He still ached. Oh, how he ached but at least it was at a tolerable level. Jin Ling could use his right arm and his left leg was properly set. He just couldn’t run or walk too long before the pain would set in from where he’d been impaled at the hip area. Jin Ling had even been moved back to his rooms. Though with all the visits still from Jingyi during the day, Jin Ling had almost asked if he could just stay in Jingyi’s or have the man stay in his. It was stupid for him to just go back forth. But Jingyi was doing it. 

However, at this moment, Jingyi was having class and Jin Ling was bored out of his mind. There hadn't been any other letters come for him and he wasn't surprised. The heavy snow in Gusu would stop all things coming and going from the mountains. He sighed loudly and moved to sit up. He was still in his thin inner robe. As he was braiding his hair from where it'd been left undone he heard the bell chiming for the third class of the day. That meant that Jingyi was teaching. Since there was nothing better to do, Jin Ling carefully got out of bed. He grabbed the white outer robe off the rack. He’d taken to wearing the white visitor robes with blue embroidered peonies on the sleeves instead of his gold robes. They were flowy and made his movements easier to control. 

He tied the sash and decided to leave his bell in his room with his belt. His hip was still sensitive to having heavy weight on it. Jin Ling would have gone barefoot but the snow prevented him from doing that. So, he tried to get his boots on as painless as he could. Then he was ready to head for Jingyi’s classroom.

As he made his way to the classroom Jin Ling noticed that he was getting stares. He was known for wearing his golden robes. So, the moment he passed them he’d hear whispers. Jin Ling shook his head. 

They should get rid of that rule about gossiping. Jin Ling thought as he passed Sizhui's classroom. Through the open door he could see Zizhen sitting at Sizhui’s desk while the man was standing in front of a scroll hanging on a rack. He smiled thinking about how Zizhen was probably the most happy being right there, getting to see Sizhui working with the juniors. It reminded him of their youth when he walked on towards Jingyi’s room. There were some fond memories and some bad. He rounded the engawa to Jingyi’s classroom. The doors were closed, so that meant that all the students were in and he was going to interrupt the lesson. 

Like he cared walking in on the sect leader meetings with the elders or my training with the disciples . Jin Ling mused while thinking about those memories. 

Jin Ling flicked the snow off his shoulders and shook his braid to get the flakes out that fell on him while he had been walking there. He shivered a bit from the cold but stilled himself before sliding open the door. As he knew it would happen, all the eyes turned to Jin Ling stepping inside. Jin Ling gave Jingyi a toothy smile before closing the door behind him. 

Jingyi’s eye twitched to see him, and sat up straight from where he had been leaning in towards his students at the head of a circle on the floor. “Jin Rulan,” he started, voice dangerous, and his students started to giggle. “What are you doing here?”

“I came to observe .” He said, tone teasing as he slowly made his way to Jingyi’s desk. The chair there was plush with a pillow and there was a side pillow for when Lan Xichen or Lan Qiren would observe. So he’d use that for his leg. “Continue.” He grinned, with a wave of his hand as he made himself comfortable. 

Jingyi sighed, knowing it was pointless to try and dislodge him, and made a motion with his hand for his class to wait. Standing fluidly, he crossed the room to the desk, unclipping his long, dark blue cloak as he did so, and draped it over Jin Ling’s shoulders.

“Next time, don’t go out without a cloak,” he chided. “You will get sick, and then you’ll be forced to stay in bed. And it’ll be nothing but congee for you.”

“I won’t promise I’ll listen so does that mean you’ll make it for me with strawberries?” He teased some more as he nestled into the cloak. It was warm and smelled strongly of sandalwood and a hint of spice. Jin Ling grinned. That meant that Jingyi had been up cooking this morning. He wondered what the man had made. 

“No,” Jingyi said pleasantly, a gleam in his eye. “Plain and simple. The Lan way.”

Jin Ling tisked. The smile was still on his face as he looked down to see that Jingyi still had a hot cup and half a pot of his honeyed tea left. He took Jingyi’s cup drinking, taking a sip and made a shooing motion towards Jingyi to go back to his giggling juniors. 

“Brat,” Jingyi said but moved back to regain his seat at the head of the circle, though a little girl stopped him by gently tugging on his robe as he passed. He looked down with a smile, then lifted his hand to make a motion. “Yes, A-Yin?’

Her question was a flurry of happy fingers and a beaming smile. The girl sitting next to her giggled and leaned on her drum a bit, making it echo with the sound.

Jingyi, of all things, blushed, but nodded, making the two girls squeal together. He shook his head with a resigned smile and retook his seat. “Where were we?” he asked with both voice and hands.

“Heartsongs, shixiong,” a little boy piped up with stars in his eyes. Jingyi had to smile at him, as always reminded of Zizhen’s romantic heart. “How to tell one apart from just another song.”

From where he sat, he had the perfect angle to watch them. Now he wasn’t good with sign language but he thought he recognized the one of partner but he wasn’t sure. He should have listened to MianMian when she tried to teach him. So he pushed that aside and focused on the lesson. He took another drink of the tea and smiled, feeling cozy. It was nice to see Jingyi with juniors and he could tell that Jingyi was a natural. Especially with the children hanging on his every word. 

“You remember our first lesson, how there’s music in all things,” Jingyi started, hands practically dancing in the air. “From water to the earth, to people. To animals and nature and the sky. But Heartsongs are a special song, because they come from you.”

He let that hang over them a moment and took in their awed faces, then leaned in as though sharing a secret. They all leaned in too. “It is very difficult to make a song for oneself, but the Heartsong is the exception. Some feel it when they meet their Fated One, or when they achieve a dream.”

He smiled at little A-Yin and the girl beside her. “Like A-Yin and A-Xiu. They are beginning to form a Heartsong together. It is rare to find your Fated One so early, but not unheard of. The Heartsong is considered the call of your heart to someone else, but not always. You’ll know it’s yours because when it comes, it fights you. Music is easy, but your Heartsong makes you work. You must strive for it, be challenged by it, and only then will it let you listen.”

Jin Ling smiled as he fixed another cup of tea. He knew about heartsongs. He’d heard Hanguang-jun play it for his Uncle Ying  many times during his travels with them. Then he’d heard the heartsong that Zewu-jun plays for his jiujiu on his private docks in Lotus Pier. They were breathtaking to hear. He wondered what the girls’ songs sounded like. It was so sweet to know that Lan’s could find them even as children. 

He hummed for a moment in thought about what Sizhui’s might sound like to Zizhen. The songs were deeply personal. So it wasn’t like he could just ask. He’d have to stumble upon the man playing, if that ever happened. 

The same little boy raised his hand, nearly vibrating in place. “Shixiong? Does everyone have a Heartsong?”

“Everyone,” Jingyi affirmed. “Even those who aren’t a Lan. Lan Bole of the Second Dynasty developed his music sensing abilities so strongly he could sense the Heartsongs of all his followers, even those that were not Lan.”

A-Yin asked another question, a flurry of quick hands. Jingyi smiled and his gaze flickered to Jin Ling, as did all eyes in the room. “Yes, he does too,” he chuckled. “But he’s just air between his ears, not music, so he’s even more deaf than you, A-Yin.”

“I hope you're talking about tone because I assure you these ears are just fine.” Jin Ling responded, his brow raising in amusement. Though inside, he felt a little pang. He didn’t share this part of himself but he too could sing. It was a gift that he shared with his jiujiu . He was sure that Lan Xichen was the only one that knew just how stunning his jiujiu’ s voice is. Jin Ling liked that. It was private. Something between soulmates, cultivation partners, or fated ones...whatever you wanted to call those destined to be together. 

“Can you teach a non-Lan their Heartsong?” A-Xiu asked, her little voice as smooth as a lark’s. 

“You can, but it’s even more difficult than cultivating your own,” Jingyi chuckled and shook his head. “Let’s focus on finding the music of the soul rather than worrying about others. You must have a mastery of the world’s music to help others with their Heartsongs. It also depends on how willing they are to learn for themselves.”

“And we all have Heartsongs?” another boy asked, looking hopeful, but cautious. 

Jingyi reached out to touch his shoulder. “All of us. I promise, A-Bao. You have one. I have one, Jin Rulan has one. One day you’ll find it and it’s my job to help you succeed. The way you all helped me help A-Yin and A-Xiu.”

“It’s just a little harder for us non-Lan’s to recognize ours. They generally are shown through gifts. Like Senior Wei’s gift is his ability to play the xiao.” Jin Ling added seeing Jingyi stiffen slightly. He kept the smile on his face and he’d talk to Jingyi about it later. 

Did I say something wrong? Jin Ling thought. 

A-Yin reached out to touch Jingyi’s hand, pulling him out of the ache Jin Ling’s words caused. He smiled at her and signalled he was fine with his other hand. She still watched him a moment before letting go. Ever since he’d taken a night to talk her and A-Xiu through their recognition of being fated partners and revealed his own Heartsong and who his Fated One was, she’d been very protective of the knowledge. Jingyi couldn’t help but think she’d be a formidable guardian of Gusu when she grew up.

“So, focus on your instruments and try to find a melody you’ve never heard before,” Jingyi instructed, encouraging, though his eyes flickered up to Jin Ling briefly before he focused on his class.

Jin Ling couldn’t help but think he was missing something. Jingyi had been acting so strange since he’d been attacked. The man was usually fiery and carefree, but now he’s more collected with a dash of sass. Jin Ling couldn’t help but think maybe he’d done something while he was being so heavily drugged. But he was sure that Jingyi would be man enough to tell him about. So, he pushed the thought aside. He glanced up briefly meeting Jingyi’s eye before he noticed the stack of papers on Jingyi’s desk. He moved to better read them. He could see where the students were practicing writing out music. 

He grabbed a sheet of paper, so as not to actually grade them himself. But he could see the uneasiness in some of them. Jin Ling wrote some helpful but positive words. As he did so he hummed, voice low in between drinking the tea. 

The small classroom filled with the sound of plucked instruments, but Jingyi felt Jin Ling’s soft humming like a caress to his soul. He closed his eyes and got up, moving to stand behind him, and soaked in the melody like a man starving.

Outwardly, he huffed and flicked Jin Ling’s ear. “Why are you drawing on my homework reports?”

The humming stopped at the flick of his ear but he chuckled at that. He leaned back, looking up at Jingyi. “I’m helping you, and not on the actual paper. I didn’t want to comment on them if I was wrong.” Jin Ling answered, honestly, though he was confident in his answers. He could tell especially with the lyric ones which one was forced. He moved a paper out to show it to Jingyi. “You’ll want to talk to this one. They think something is wrong with them. That’s why they keep trying to fix the lyrics. “He paused showing where a lot of the words had been inked out. “Those are the real words to their song.” 

Jin Ling had recognized this unsureness. It was the same signs he’d seen with A-Yu. Mo Xuanyu had filled their room with pages upon pages of their heartsong. It’d been sad to see but it gave him insight for when Mo Xuanyu realized that they didn’t see themselves like everyone else.  It wasn’t until Jin Ling was almost eighteen that Mo Xuanyu had figured themselves out and was able to properly create their heartsong and recognize their fated one, Nie Huaisang. 

Jingyi wasn’t sure if he was breathing. “You know about Heartsongs?” he asked, then realized that was stupid, so tried again. “I mean, how to cultivate one?”

Jin Ling flushed a bit at that. “Only a little. I witnessed Mo Xuanyu cultivate their’s plus, like I said I know about Uncle Ying and jiujiu’s .” His knowledge was limited. Jin sect nor Jiang sect really taught about heartsongs. 

Jingyi knew he was treading a dangerous path, but the look in Jin Ling’s eye made him pause. It would hurt… oh how it would hurt, but he found himself saying the words anyway. “Do you want me to help you find yours?”

Why would you want to? Jin Ling thought but the look in Jingyi’s eyes made him stop thinking like that. There was something hidden beneath the surface of those rain colored eyes just like the lakes of Lotus Pier. He didn’t know what to name it, because the feeling he got was a mixture of uncertainty and hope. Which was odd considering that Heartsongs were Jingyi’s specialty. 

“You can but don’t get your hopes up. Apparently, I’m tone deaf, remember?” Jin Ling teased with a chuckle. “Whomever my destined one is, better enjoy the rest of me.” 

It did hurt, but Jingyi grinned through it, though it was very hard to breathe. “I meant you are not musically trained, not that you are not musically inclined. Your head is all hunting and shooting arrows. You’ve been taught to think a certain way and that path is a hard one to walk off of to find a Heartsong.”

“Well then, I’m glad that I’ll have you to tutor me towards the right path.” Jin Ling winked then leaned forward to grab the cup of tea he’d poured and handed it to Jingyi. His smile faltered a bit while passing the cup to Jingyi when he saw the man stiffen. 

Why do I keep making him uncomfortable? Jin Ling thought. He didn’t understand what he was doing wrong. They’d talked like this a million times over the years they’ve known each other. 

“I’m sorry, if coming here upset you. I was just tired of being alone stuck in my room. I figured here with you and the juniors would be better.” Jin Ling stated, voice low so only the two of them could hear. 

“You didn’t upset me,” Jingyi said, because that part was true. It’d stolen his breath, true, and irritated him to see Jin Ling without a cloak on, but he’d always want Jin Ling in his line of sight. And that helped him relax again, smiling soft around his sip of tea. “You’re welcome here anytime as long as you keep the teasing about my teaching to a minimum, especially since I’m now your shixiong too.”

Jin Ling didn’t need to be a Lan to know that when Jingyi said he hadn’t upset him wasn’t the full truth. He could always tell when Jingyi stuck to half truths. Jin Ling couldn’t really explain it but it was like those small bits of a lie made his core itch. He’d tried to explain to Zizhen once but then Zizhen laughed telling him that cores can’t itch. So from then on he kept the feeling to himself. Which brought him to right now. The feeling was back.He reached down to gently rub his chest  above his core. 

“Yes, shixiong , I’ll try to behave. I don’t want to be eating congee the rest of my stay here.” Jin Ling responded, trying to get a chuckle or something from the man to make the feeling go away like it always did. 

“As you should, because Old Man Lan would be the one making it,” Jingyi warned, not kidding about that. He noticed the rubbing and frowned, then knelt beside him with a hum of qi on his fingers, which he pressed under Jin Ling’s hand. “Are you sore?”

“If you’re going to torture me at least make the food yourself.” Jin Ling fussed with no heat to his words. He would have answered but the feeling of Jingyi’s qi stopped him. The coolness and the comfort he felt made the pricking itch go away. Jin Ling made a low sound in his throat. His hand covering Jingyi’s keeping it in place for a moment as the qi flowed before gently moving it away.

“I...I’m fine now.” Jin Ling answered, looking away. 

“Uh huh,” Jingyi said, but let it go. He didn’t need Jin Ling storming out. He chuckled and tugged the man’s braid, enticing him in instead. “Alright then, get up. As a student you’re required to sit with us in the circle.”

“Whatever you say shi- ...” He paused as he tried to get up but his hip started hurting. He blushed, then caught Jingyi’s sleeve before he could step away. “I need your help.” 

Jingyi laughed lightly but returned to his side. “So you are still hurting,” he teased and leaned down to get Jin Ling’s arm around his shoulders. He pressed lightly against the wound with a healing rush of qi, compounded by his own Heartsong, which he hummed to promote better healing. He could feel Jin Ling relax as the pain ebbed and secured his hold on him.

“A-Bao, A-Ting, please grab an extra set of cushions,” he told his students, before lifting Jin Ling out of the desk chair to standing. Jin Ling had always been heavy, solid muscle and frame, but the days in the bed had made him lighter, almost no problem for Jingyi’s arm strength. He laughed outright at the wide eyed look he got from Jin Ling. “What, all those handstands were good for something,” he said and carefully led him to a spot beside him at the circle and against the wall, where the cushions had been placed by eager students.

He helped Jin Ling sit and got another cushion to stretch out and prop up the man’s foot, his smile warm as he looked up at Jin Ling. “Comfortable?”

Jin Ling swallowed as he sat down. He’d been speechless since Jingyi had helped him get up. It’d hurt with his tight grip as first but then Jingyi had channeled his qi and hummed a song. It’d made his heart race a bit as the pain faded and his core stirred. Jin Ling was puzzled. How had Jingyi done that? He’d been helped by Sizhui too and that’d never happened when his cousin used his qi . 

“Of course, thank you, shidis.” Jin Ling answered, giving a small nod and smile to the two juniors that’d grabbed the pillows for him. 

They beamed at him, gap toothed and happy, before returning to their places and instruments. One had a qin, the other a flute.

“What’s his instrument going to be, shixiong?” A-Xiu asked as she lightly patted her drum. “Are we going to teach him something?”

“He has an instrument,” Jingyi said with confidence, remembering the humming and all the times before he’d caught Jin Ling doing so in his presence. He was very much not tone deaf and had a wonderfully low, smooth tenor. He was smiling as he knelt back in his place. “Voice.”

Jin Ling flushed again at all the bright toothy smiles in front of him. He’d only ever truly sung in front of his mama and jiujiu . Jin Ling swallowed and nodded at the children a thin smile on his face. 

“Don’t worry, we won’t ask for ballads,” Jingyi assured him, seeing his unease and teasing it away. “You can stick to humming. As long as the words come in your mind, you don’t need to sing them.”

“I know but I’m here to learn.” Jin Ling answered, tone teasing but with a hint of seriousness. He wouldn’t shame himself or Jingyi and treat this like a game. Heartsongs were important to Lans. So, as the children started to go back to playing their instruments, Jin Ling closed his eyes. Then he started humming as he thought about the words. He’d been humming the tune for years but it was only recently that only a handful of words had formed in his mind. 

“ I never knew that fear and hate could be so strong...all they’d leave us were these whispers in the night …”Jin Ling sang, his eyes fluttering open. He felt a pull in his core and the tune would be in his head for days now like it always did when he sang the words. 

Jingyi went still beside him, feeling those words like a kiss. He flushed and looked away, wishing he’d been strong enough to not invite Jin Ling to try. To hear the answer to his own song was doing things to his heart that he wasn’t sure he’d survive.

Thank the gods for tiny distractions. “ Shixiong?” A-Bao asked, hesitant as he always was as he plucked a note on his qin. He’d always been a shy child and always second guessed himself. Even getting him to accept the awe inspiring qin as an instrument had been a bit of a fight. Jin Ling hadn’t been wrong about the music homework. A-Bao wasn’t sure about himself. It’d come from being an orphan and passed around the Lan Clan for care, the way Jingyi had, and Jingyi knew that wasn’t all of it. “What if my words are wrong?”

“The words can’t be wrong,” Jingyi said and watched his little face fall. He turned more towards him and leaned down, meeting his eye. “A-Bao, what words are you struggling with?”

A-Bao whispered them reluctantly, slow at first, then quick as though unable to stop them from spilling out, eyes filling with tears. Jingyi steadied him immediately. “They aren’t wrong, and neither are you,” he said, soaking in the words he and she and i. He smiled at the implications. “You have two fated ones, that’s no small thing.”

A-Bao swallowed hard, staring up at him in awe. “Is that… possible?”

“Anything is possible,” Jingyi said firmly, all confidence, and squeezed the boy’s tiny shoulder in reassurance. “Play it for me, the way it’s supposed to sound?”

It took a moment, but with shaking fingers A-Bao softly played, and Jingyi could see the moment the Heartsong took hold, making the boy smile and tremble in hesitant joy. The rest of the students went quiet in reverence, watching him, and when he plucked the final note, they clapped, making him blush heavily.

Jin Ling clapped along with the other students and Jingyi. He felt the sting of tears but they didn’t fall. Jin Ling was glad that Jingyi had listened to him. Though he was confident that Jingyi would have figured it out soon. He was proud though of the boy. 

“They are going to be lucky.” Jin Ling muttered as Jingyi settled back closer; still commenting on the boy’s song. 

“They are,” Jingyi smiled and nudged him, even though his heart was racing. “Yours isn’t bad either. I’m surprised you have words already, though. How long have you heard this song?”

Jin Ling playfully nudged back ignoring the small pain to his hip. He thought about the question and smiled. “I’ve heard the tune since I was six. I was brushing Fairy in mama’s courtyard when I started humming the tune. The words though came to me a year before last. You remember our hunt in Suqian*? I was waiting for you and Sizhui when the words started forming.” He smiled remembering the hunt and how Jingyi had teased him.

“That… is very impressive, actually.” And it was. For those that weren’t Lan, Heartsongs were often dismissed as myth, or a cultivation technique too difficult to control. Which was the problem, of course. Heartsongs were not able to be controlled. They moved on their own time. Case and point: “I heard the tune first when I was sixteen,” he told him. “The words following the years after that. Seven years on, I’ve got the full song. Old Master Lan says mine is very quickly formed, but honestly it has nothing on the little girls right there. They formed theirs together within a year of meeting.”

Jin Ling blinked. To have one’s heartsong already fully developed alone. That had to be painful. It’d been rough for his jiujiu to have cultivated half of his song before he’d fallen in love with Zewu-jun*...but for Jingyi? Lan’s were known for the depths of their love and devotion. Jingyi must be saddened to have made his all alone. He turned to look at the two girls and smiled. 

“You and the girls are both extraordinary. I believe that someone rather bold once told me that heartsongs come as needed. You’re fated one will be lucky to have you, Jingyi.” Jin Ling said, smiling warmly. 

“I’m definitely lucky to have him,” Jingyi murmured to himself, smiling too at the girls who were beating out their own song on the drum. It was more a rhythm, with a melody only they could hear, and it always made him swell with pride to see their gleeful faces. “Alright, back to work, Rulan. Focus on the meaning of the words you know and try to understand them fully. Sometimes it takes total acceptance of the song for it to give up more words to you.”

Jin Ling tilted his head a bit. He didn’t want to push but he was curious to what Jingyi meant by that. He knew his fated one? Why hadn’t he introduced them yet? For all the rules about pride, Lan’s had an abundance of pride for their fated ones. Jin Ling wanted to know who it was but he’d wait for Jingyi to tell them. The man had to have his reasons for not saying anything. 

“Yes, shixiong .” Jin Ling teased before focusing on the moment and what Jingyi had told him to do. He cleared his mind and closed his eyes. The words he knew came to the forefront while he hummed the tune again. As he did so, the hand of his injured arm that Jingyi had been nursing with his qi moved to lay over his core. Jin Ling felt another stirring but it felt tinged with some else he hadn’t experienced and couldn’t quite put into words. Slowly his lips parted.

“ I would have no inkling of how precious life could be …” He sang before trailing back into humming. The words slipping away like silk sliding off a rolling rack. He opened his eyes again looking at Jingyi. 

Jingyi, who looked rather stricken. He quickly blinked the look back and glanced away, heart in his throat. “You hardly need me around,” he teased a bit, fighting for a smile and found a breathy laugh. “You’ll be serenading in no time. All your marriage hopefuls will swoon on their feet, just watch. I’ve created a monster.”

Jin Ling stopped humming immediately seeing Jingyi’s expression. Of all the things he hadn’t been expecting to see that. “I’ll always need you around, Jingyi. We are friends are we not? And the only serenading I’ll be doing is my fated one. I only sang here because of your offer to teach. I do not sing publically.” Jin Ling replied seeing that his hand was rubbing his chest and stopped. He let it fall to his lap and bit the inside of his lip. Why was his core being so strange?

“Rulan?” Jingyi asked, seeing him frown. Again with the rubbing. Worried, he gently touched his arm. “Are you in pain?”

“No, it just feels weird.” Jin Ling answered, truthfully before he could catch himself. He flushed because he was sure that Jingyi was going to make him explain and how was he supposed to tell the man his qi made him feel safe? 

“Your wounds?” Jingyi tilted his head, brows furrowed. “Your Heartsong?”

“My core.” Jin Ling replied, he looked up, “It’s not a bad feeling, it's just different. I’m not used to it feeling this way all the time.” He carefully tried to explain. 

Jingyi only looked more confused, but did his best to think through the mess Jin Ling’s earlier words about serenading his fated one had caused in his chest. “It may be because you’re still healing,” he offered. “You can feel the core sometimes when it’s been under a great deal of stress, and I’d say nearly dying was plenty stressful on it. It’s had to work extra hard this past week and maybe what you’re feeling is your core still on rescue-mode even though your body is not?”

Jin Ling frowned looking down at his chest. The hand had this crawling under the skin feeling to go back to where it’d been, like doing it would make it all better. Which just confused him all the more. There was nothing wrong with his core. Sure it’d been weak but it was coming back strong thanks to Jingyi and Sizhui helping him. 

“I don’t think that’s it.” Jin Ling said bringing the hand back up to just to see and sure enough the feeling went away in his hand but his core had that safe feeling. He shifted his gaze to Jingyi’s hand that was still on his arm and Jingyi wasn’t channeling any qi . 

What the hell? Jin Ling thought. What’s wrong with me?

“Rulan?” Jingyi asked again, shaking his arm a little as he watched Jin Ling space out. “Ru lan. ”

When he just got a blink, he sighed and called an ending to class. “Head to the dining hall for an early lunch,” he told his students and waved to them as they hurried off. Then he quickly got Jin Ling’s arm over his shoulders and his own arm under Jin Ling’s legs, lifting him to his chest far too easily for being the shorter one. “Rulan, come on. Let’s get you some air.”

Jin Ling wanted to protest at carrying him that way but the words got stuck in his throat. The feeling was growing stronger with him being pressed against Jingyi. He bit the inside of his lip again and wrapped his arms around Jingyi’s neck. At one time he’d been truly embarrassed about being carried like this but it had passed when he’d nearly fallen off the engawa being too stubborn to stay in bed when he’d been allowed to go back to his rooms from the healer’s housing. 

“I..thank you.” Jin Ling finally got out, once they were outside in the chilly air. 

Jingyi looked at him worriedly and moved out into the snow, so Jin Ling could feel the cold on his face. “Now I really know there’s something wrong,” he said, no-nonsense, and marched them back towards Jin Ling’s rooms, though took the courtyard route so they would be constantly in the snowfall which he knew Jin Ling liked. “If you don’t want to talk to me about it, fine, I get it, but please tell Zizhen at least, or Sizhui.”

“Don’t...I just...I don’t know how to talk about it.” Jin Ling confessed looking out at the fallen snow. The flakes falling on his face and in his hair. He turned his head to look at Jingyi. His honeyed eyes focused on Jingyi’s storm grey colored eyes. They were stunning up close with the flecks of darkness and light blue. His lips parted and blinked, taking in how the snow had also fallen on Jingyi. He reached up slowly dusting the flakes off of him. A careful touch to his face. 

Jingyi felt his breath catch and his steps faltered. He stopped to look down at Jin Ling, wishing his heart wasn’t soaring in his chest, and that his mind didn’t know just how easy it would be to lean in for a kiss. “It’s…. It’s okay,” he murmured back and closed his eyes a moment to take a breath and not lean into that touch. Gods, but this was some exquiste torture, wasn’t it? “I’d say go to Zizhen. He has a way of knowing what you’re trying to say when you can’t form the words. Perks of being childhood friends.”

But I don’t wanna talk to him . Jin Ling thought immediately. Then who did he want to talk to? Jingyi? No . To do that felt like he was doing something soul deep. But it was just his core? Shouldn’t he be able to talk to him about it? The next best was either his mama or his jiujiu . But they weren’t here and letters couldn’t go out right now. 

“I..I will try. Last time didn’t go so well.’ Jin Ling shared, dusting some more of the snow from Jingyi’s cheek. “Why did we stop? Did you want me to walk?” He asked.

Please don’t. What if the feeling comes back? Jin Ling thought.

“And listen to you complain? No,” Jingyi managed a smile and started walking again, though he had to swallow hard around a lump at the feeling of Jin Ling’s hand on his face. “We’ll get you to your rooms and into a bath if you want. I think soaking your hip may be a good idea.”

“I think a bath would be good.” Jin Ling replied with a nod. Despite the comforting feeling, the qi that Jingyi had channelled into his hip was starting to stiffen. Now, he knew how his jiujiu felt about his own sides. “Are you going to stay or go back with your students?” 

“That was my only class and I’ll stay if you want me to,” Jingyi shook his head and moved towards the needed room. He gently slid it open with his foot then sat Jin Ling carefully onto the bed. He took a deep breath the moment his back was turned and busied himself with making a bath for the man. “I’ll be right back.”

“I’d like that.” Jin Ling said with a small smile. His core didn’t like it when Jingyi sat him down but at least that feeling of crawling was completely gone. He wondered why he kept feeling like that. But he disregarded it as the man drew his bath. Jin Ling made himself useful and started getting undressed. He took off his boots, then the cloak, and by the time Jingyi turned around he was back in his inner robe and was taking his braid out. 

“What?” Jin Ling asked, eyes blinking at the expression on Jingyi’s face. “Is something wrong with my eye? I know about the scar. Zizhen finally told me why Sizhui kept starting his channelling with my face.” 

“No, it’s not that,” Jingyi said and didn’t explain further. How could he explain? That this felt domestic and seeing Jin Ling so vulnerable and open was like an arrow to the heart? “What oils did you want to use?”

Jin Ling raised a brow and stopped unraveling his hair. “Then what is it? And it’s the blue jar with the gold honeycomb on it. It’s already mixed with everything else.” Jin Ling explained. He’d finally gotten Zizhen to let him mess with the oils one day so he got the blend he wanted in the same bottle. 

“You don’t have to have all the facts all the time, you know,” Jingyi huffed and reached for the bottle Jin Ling wanted, then raised his own eyebrow in challenge at him. “But fine. You tell me what’s up with you, i’ll tell you anything you want to know.”

“Maybe I do?” Jin Ling teased, amused by Jingyi’s huffing. It was rare that he’d get the upper hand on a moment but what kind of moment was this? To him it felt natural except for his blasted core. He flushed. “I’ll...tell you if you promise not to laugh.” Like Zizhen Jin Ling left off. 

“I promise to at least try,” Jingyi said, which he thought was rather generous of himself.

Jin Ling snorted at that. He went back to undoing his hair. “Fine. But try to remember that  I asked.” Jin Ling replied before swallowing. It had been so long since he’d talked about it. He kept on fidgeting with his hair as he started talking. “There are times when I feel like there is a pricking itch coming from my core. It happens more when I’m…” Jin Ling thought about it. The feeling always started with Jingyi. “...being lied to or when I’m near you, but then it stops when I’m near you. It doesn’t make sense.”

Jingyi stilled and looked at him, doing his best not to gape like a fish. He wasn’t sure he succeeded. Of all the things he’d expected Jin Ling to say, hearing that was not it. Not when his own core had called and ached and itched for so long. They truly were destined to be, tied by the Heartsong, and he was an idiot, an absolute idiot, who no longer had the excuse of never pursuing Jin Ling’s heart for the good of LanLing, who no doubt wanted him to marry for power or the tying together of clans as it was for all future sect leaders that weren’t Lans. Jin Ling had made his stance on love very clear and Jingyi had no idea how to move forward, or if he even dared. What if he still wasn’t good enough? He, who stubbornly made his Heartsong all alone, who’d suffered the heartache and silence it brought? Who’d never said one word to Jin Ling for seven years….

He blushed and nervously fidgeted with the vial of oil. “And it just goes away when I’m near you?” he asked, licking his lips around a suddenly dry mouth. “Nothing else?”

“Gods, don’t you laugh, Jingyi .” Jin Ling warned, tone sharp as he let out a quiet but shuddering breath before he continued. He turned more away from JIngyi deciding to spill it all out. His heart was beating fast.  “When you share your qi it feels like it’s settling in my core. I… the pain goes away and coolness and the feeling of being safe sets in. Before the attack it just felt...right when you’d help heal me. It's just more...ah, damn it I can’t explain it better.” Jin Ling cursed, trying to find the words but all he wished was that Jingyi could read his mind or better yet connect with his core and feel it. He brought his hand up to his chest rubbing it again.  

“It’s like coming home,” Jingyi murmured and had to set the vial down, his hands were shaking so much. He closed his eyes and imagined what it was like to feel Jin Ling’s qi, how his core fluttered as well as his heart when the man was near, and braced himself for the yelling to start. “Like there’s a part of you that was gone but suddenly you have it. Like you’re whole and safe and it’s how it’s always supposed to be. How it’s meant to be.”

Jin Ling’s head snapped up as he listened to Jingyi and he turned around to actually look at the man. He blinked seeing the man flushed and also a bit skittish. “How did you…”JIn Ling trailed as he realized that Jingyi knew what was wrong with him but so did he. While he couldn’t put it into words Jingyi sure could. “Yes, that’s how I feel.” He said, voice low as his heart started to race. 

“And it only really started happening after the attack,” Jingyi went on, sitting heavily on the edge of the tub and rubbing his forehead. It made his ribbon go crooked, but he was so distressed he didn’t notice or fix it. “It was there before, but now it’s more insistent. Right?” 

Jin Ling swallowed and nodded again but Jingyi didn’t see because he was too busy looking down at his lap. He knew that something was wrong because he didn’t even care about the status of his forehead ribbon. Jin Ling got up from the bed and wobbled over to Jingyi. “Yes, it just didn’t feel quite like this because you didn’t share with me like you had.” He explained, “It was like a taste each time after a hunt and then to have it all the time this past week and a half. It’s...“ Jin Ling reached down to the hand on Jingyi’s head and gently brought it to his chest. “...can you feel that?”

Jingyi shivered feeling that strong, spirited core, and nodded. “I can,” he murmured and forced himself to stand. He took Jin Ling’s hand and set it over his own core, where the same spirit thrived, swirling and galloping under Jin Ling’s fingertips. “Can you feel it too?” he asked, though it was rhetorical. The widening of Jin Ling’s eyes told him all he needed to know. “Rulan… you almost died in my arms,” he whispered, wretched and shaking. “I almost… I had to use the Heartsong to save your life. If I hadn’t then… then you wouldn’t be...”

Flashes of the night coming back the more he pressed his mind to remember. Echoes of a song came through. “I’m here and it’s thanks to you.” Jin Ling said, voice soft as was his gaze. His heart beat faster than before with his hand on Jingyi’s core. It felt like everything and more. He called his own qi to his hand. That’s when he felt the true connection to Jingyi’s core. It was a wonder to feel. “I think I heard you singing to me.” 

Jingyi shivered and closed his eyes. “You… we are...” He bit his lip and shook his head then moved to step away. “I’m sorry, Rulan.”

“Wait.” Jin Ling frown grabbed hold of Jingyi’s robes. “Why are you sorry?” He asked and suddenly he wished he hadn’t.  Jin Ling realized what Jingyi had implied...no stated. Jingyi’s heartsong was meant for him and that he was Jingyi’s fated one. And Jingyi was sorry for it. Jin Ling could see there wasn’t happiness but sadness. He felt a pit grow and he let his hand slide away, “I should be sorry.” 

“Why would you be sorry?” Jingyi demanded. “I’m the one who’s known for seven years. Seven years that I should have said something, but I stopped myself every time from courting you because I never thought… I didn’t…”

He clenched his hands and decided to screw it all. The rules, the pain. Even if their friendship died right here and now, he would take this chance. He had to, for his own heart’s sake. Jingyi cupped Jin Ling’s face and kissed him soundly, slow and tense and full of everything he’d felt for so long. He pulled back the moment Jin Ling started to respond, scared of being pushed away, and shook all over with emotion.

“I’ve wanted to be yours for seven years, but I never thought I could have you,” Jingyi murmured. “And instead of telling you, I kept quiet, let myself be hurt. And now here I am hurting you, and I’m just. I’m sorry. I don’t know what more you want. I’m sor-”

All the sorrow that’d started to fill his chest vanished replaced with utter joy. It had been an awful feeling to think that Jingyi would reject him. He’d only toyed with the idea after Sunqain that he was attracted to him but then like a puzzle being put in place he realized that he’d fallen in love with the man slowly. All the times he’d backed away. He was an idiot. A true idiot. 

Every word that came tumbling out Jingyi’s mouth only made his heart and core soar. When Jingyi tried to apologize again he wouldn’t have it anymore. He captured Jingyi’s lips in another kiss, this one searing and full of every bit of emotion that was rushing through his veins. He grabbed Jingyi’s hips to ground himself before he made them teeter over. 

“Don’t apologize for loving me the best way you knew how.” Jin Ling breathed against his lips when they parted for much needed air, “I’m sorry for being so blind and hurting you.” 

“If I don’t get to apologize, neither do you,” Jingyi murmured, arms wrapping over Jin Ling’s shoulders. “It’s not like you’re a mind reader, Rulan.”’

“I know.” Jin Ling smiled, looking into Jingyi’s eyes. “I also know that I’m smarter than that. I can believe it’s taken me so long to figure it out.” 

“I told you there was just air between your ears,” Jingyi found the tease and a laugh, especially as he was kissed in retaliation. He held on with a grin and tears in his eyes, feeling like he was coming back to life. “Rulan…”

“Yes?” Jin Ling asked, feeling a little light headed from the kiss. Jingyi’s kisses stole his ability to think properly. He leaned slightly into Jingyi. His injured leg deciding that it was holding up too much weight. 

Jingyi huffed and took his weight, then picked him back up into a bride’s cradle, amused. “I think you’re swooning on purpose, my Mistress Jin,” he said and carried him back to the bed.

In the past the nickname would have bothered him but not so much now. “Maybe a little, shixiong .” Jin Ling grinned not wanting the moment to stop because of his pain. When he was carefully deposited on the bed, Jin Ling felt a little reprieve from the pain. It was nice to be off the leg again. 

“Lay down,” Jingyi huffed at the nickname but still joined him on the bed, sitting beside him and channeling qi into the hip wound. As he felt Jin Ling relax again, he looked down at him and smiled, then started to sing, urging his qi to spread to the rest of Jin Ling’s wounds and soothe them down. It only took the start of his song to feel Jin Ling’s qi respond, shimmering with delight.

“If I never knew you, if I never felt this love, I would have no inkling of how precious life could be…” He sang their Heartsong softly, almost shy, and chuckled at Jin Ling’s dazed face. “If I never held you, I would never have a clue how at last I’d find in you the missing part of me. In this world so full of fear, full of rage and lies, I can see the truth so clear in your eyes, so dry your eyes...”

“I can see the truth so clear in your eyes.” Jin Ling sang with him as the words slipped from his mouth. They’d formed so easily hearing Jingyi sing so beautifully. “Lay down with me.” Jin Ling asked, gently taking hold of the hand channeling Jingyi’s qi . 

“Ordering me around already?” Jingyi chuckled but did as asked, honestly wanting nothing more than the view he gained doing so. He snuggled close and kissed him soft, grinning. “We are never hearing the end of this.”

“Yeah, I know but at least we’ll have each other to keep us company while they tease us.” Jin Ling mused, stealing another kiss. He loved as he pulled back to see the flutter of Jingyi’s eyelashes as Jingyi opened his eyes after the kiss. He reached up with his hand to gently trace the lines of Jingyi’s face.

“True,” Jingyi mused, closing his eyes again at the touch. “You’ve always had me, Rulan. It was always you.”

“And you for me.” Jin Ling grinned, leaning back in for another kiss as he used the hand to cup Jingyi’s face.