Chapter Text
He wants to say I love you .
It's not that he fears saying it, the Mighty Nein are generous with their love. Jester frequently reminds him how much she loves him. I love you Essek, I'm so glad you're doing so much better now than you were before . Beau's told him she loves him, which surprises him every time, surprises him how much her anger has subsided since they found him out, even if it's usually an I'm just kidding, I love you man . Gods, even Caleb's said he loves him, a goodnight to the group as they fall asleep in the dome, the one they all prefer to Essek's mansion, or even, though rarer, an joyous reaction to Essek's uses for magic. I didn't even think to use those spells for that! I love what happens in that brain of yours .
Essek's said his own I love yous, too. Hell, he's said it more in the past month than he did in the first century of his life. It's become surprisingly casual, he's caught himself saying it minutes after it's left his mouth, when Caduceus has handed him a cup of tea when he wakes up, relieving Essek from his watch with a warm mug, and without even thinking about it, thank you I love you , and he can remember the first time he responded with I love you too, jester , that left her beaming with joy, and left his ears flapping as he realised that yes, he did love these people.
But he can't say it to Caleb. He tries, but he always dances around it, it's always an I love this , not an I love you .
And he means I love you , he really does, it's always on the tip of his tongue, but he knows himself too well to think he'd mean it the same way he says it to the rest of the Nein, when Veth pulls him in for a hug after a hard fight and he knows she won't let him go until he hugs back with an okay, okay. I love you too , or when Sprinkle chews on his ear and he pulls him off with an I love you, but stop .
Because he knows, to Caleb, the words will have different feelings behind them, ones he's sure Caleb won't return. He's certain of it.