Chapter Text
Jaunik woke that morning before Ava, the first rays of light peeking through the blinds on their bedroom window.
Ava’s face was mashed into her pillow, her wavy hair spilling out around her as she snored quietly. Jaunik felt a deep pang of fondness, brushing back her hair and tucking it behind an ear.
He loved her so much, he knew he wanted every morning to be like this, waking up quietly to her drooling on the pillow and her lashes fluttering against the freckles on her cheeks. And for the first time in a long time his position next to her seemed insecure. He knew Ava loved him but there was a difference between loving someone and that person being a good partner, ultimately you needed both.
You can love someone but they can fail you. Unbeknownst to him he had been failing Ava in that critical aspect, and if he didn’t want to lose her, he’d have to adapt.
He kissed her on the forehead, Ava murmuring and clutching her pillow tighter, “I’ll figure this out,” He assured her, “And I’ll show you I can be a good partner in the human sense.”
And with that he shimmied out of bed to do some research.
In the living room he booted up his old portable husktop and opened the human version of Troogle, typing out what could be the most important question of his time on Earth.
Going through some of the forums Jaunik found some advice on how to be a good Earth man, particularly one in which human women found desirable.
- Women loved a strong, macho man. He doesn’t wear his heart on his sleeves, instead he holds an air of mysterious aloofness that women found irresistible.
- Women love someone who could provide for them. Men brought home the bacon.
Jaunik began to sweat, both he and Ava were vegans. What would they even do with the bacon when he brought it home?
- Women loved men who were always confident. Real men aren’t afraid of anything.
Jaunik took notes, filling his little photographer’s field book before standing up from the chair and closing the portable husktop. He stood in their living room, adjusting the belt on his sleep pants as he got into the pose of what he felt was particularly ‘manly’, his shoulders squared, his knees slightly bent and his hands resting in fists at his hips.
He furrowed his brow, squinting out into the empty room in a way that he felt was masculine but really looked a bit constipated. “Meat,” He tried saying out loud, lowering his voice an octave, “Sports!”
Ava woke up, her hands outstretched and groping for the other body that should be beside her but not finding it. She rose from the twisted mess of blankets and pillows, groggy and confused, “Jaunik?”
When she realized that he really wasn’t in the room something twisted in her chest. When was the last time she’d woken up alone?
Well after yesterday can you really blame him for wanting to leave? Something traitorous in her mind hissed to her. He finally figured out that there isn’t a future with you, not a real one anyways.
“Oh shut up!” Ava punched her pillow as if that would make the intrusive thought stop. She flopped back onto the mattress, pulling the pillow over her face and screaming into it for a moment before throwing it at the closed door.
She cuddled into Jaunik’s pillow instead, dully comforted by his smell even as tears began to prick in the corners of her eyes. “He’s not going to leave,” She tried to convince herself, but listening to her own voice she could hear the uncertainty, “We’re going to have a future together.”
Ava finally picked herself out of bed, kicking her pillow away from the door and stepping out into the living room. She saw Jaunik in the chair by the window, looking seriously out into the foggy grey morning.
Ava’s nervousness skyrocketed, Jaunik wasn’t usually so… still and emotionless. Usually the moment he noticed she was awake there was a peck on her cheek, chatter about breakfast and maybe a couple of bird puns sprinkled into the conversation. She grimaced, biting her lip as she turned to fill a mug with coffee, guilt blooming in her chest, what happened yesterday must’ve really affected him.
Ava was technically correct that what happened yesterday affected Jaunik, but not in the way she thought. Jaunik was in fact applying the research that cool and aloof meant manly and cool and was counting down the seconds that he handsomely brooded while staring out the window for maximum cool manly effect. When he reached 30 seconds in his head he broke the silence.
“Morning,” He greeted coolly.
That nearly made Ava jump out of her skin, spilling a bit of coffee on the counter. Somehow the drastic change made her feel like she was a kid in trouble again, or those times Sam would be passive aggressive after an argument. Had Jaunik ever been passive aggressive before? She doesn’t think she’s even seen him regularly aggressive before.
She whirled to look at him, nervously brushing back some of her messy hair, “Hey! Hi! Good morning!”
Jaunik noted the blush on her face and was pleased to see that his plan of being a big cool manly man was totally working.
Ava sat across from him trying to stop her leg from bouncing as he continued to just… not look at her, nervousness crawling along her spine. He stared out the window, holding a mug of-
Ava frowned, “Since when do you drink coffee?”
Jaunik froze, “I love coffee,” He lied. He clutched his manly drink and took an agonizing sip, not quite able to hide the grimace or the way his ears flicked down as he drank. He lowered his voice an octave, growling out in a manly way, “I like my coffee how I like my women.” Jaunik particularly liked that line, see Ava was supposed to ask ‘how do you like your coffee?’ at which point he could say something like ‘dark and full-bodied’ which he didn’t exactly know what that meant but the forum post he read said that it would make women swoon and-
Ava stared at him, not quite ready for any of this before she had her own cup of coffee, “Are you lowering your voice?”
Jaunik coughed, “No,” He growled out in the same artificially lower octave, “This is how I talk.”
Ava took a sip of her own coffee, staring over the rim at him distrustfully, “Okay…” She sighed, rubbing her hands together, she didn't know what he was doing but she could guess what it was about, “Jaunik, about yesterday.”
Jaunik, remembering one of the most important rules about being manly, sat his coffee cup down decisively, “I don’t want to talk about it.” Real manly men never talked about emotions.
Ava froze, holding her own coffee cup in both hands, her eyes wide, “Oh uh… Okay.”
Later, after Ava had showered and left for work, Jaunik pumped his fist into the air. Yes! He had been so manly!
Ava that morning went to morning with a sick feeling of dread at the bottom of her stomach. She kept rethinking the morning’s conversation over and over. Jess, her friend and lab tech would try to engage her in conversation, but while she went through the motions her heart wasn’t in it.
“Hey,” Jess whispered to her over the operating table, “What’s up with you this morning? Did something happen?”
Ava sighed, concentrating on the cat she was currently spaying, “Me and Jaunik… I think we had a fight?”
Jess raised her eyebrows, “You... think. .. you had a fight.”
Ava huffed, “He’s just… He’s acting differently. I’m kinda worried about him.”
Jess put a gloved hand to her shoulder, “It’ll be alright. Today is the day you guys usually go out for your lunch break, yeah? You can talk to him then.”
Ava smiled though it didn’t reach her eyes. She nodded to herself, trying to get excited to see him at lunch, instead of feeling like the gates of hell suddenly opened up at her feet, “Yeah, hopefully we can work it out at lunch.”
Jess grinned, “Good! Because I need you at your best this afternoon, we have a patient from the zoo coming.”
Ava huffed, “That should be interesting.” She finished the last of her stitches, checking the cat’s vitals, “Yeah, me and Jaunik will figure this out at lunch.”
Between clients Ava called Jaunik, leaning against the hall on her vet’s practice, listening to the sounds of dogs and cats in their kennels as she waited for him to pick up the phone.
Jaunik was at his desk in their apartment, editing some photos before he sent them to the empress. He took a sip of coffee and gagged, “No, still tastes awful,” He whispered ruefully and reached for the can of dairy-free whipped cream on his desk.
Most of the morning had been spent trying to figure out how to make coffee taste bearable and at this point his mug was more almond milk, sugar and dairy-free whipped cream than anything else.
His phone rang, his ears flicking up when he recognized Ava’s picture pop up on his phone. He set his coffee cup down, a bit of whipped cream still on his cheek. “Alright!” He squared his shoulders and jaw, lowering his voice, “TIME FOR MAN-MODE.”
He leaned back in his chair suavely, or it would’ve been suave if he didn’t accidentally lean too far and almost fall out. After hastily righting himself he picked up the phone, “Sup,” He greeted in a low voice.
Ava stared down at her phone, “...Jaunik?”
Jaunik nodded, making a finger gun at the wall over his desk, “That’s me,” He purred. He had to yank the phone away from his face as lowering his voice that far made him cough, but then he yanked it back, “Don’t wear it out.”
Ava paused, “I don’t think that’s-” she shook her head, “Nevermind, I was wondering what you wanted to order when we had lunch together today.”
Jaunik’s ears perked up, “Oh! Can we order from that one place that has the good dumplings?” He coughed, lowering his voice and trying to hide his excitement, “If you know… you’re cool with that.”
Ava snorted, this morning’s tension melting away, “No you’re a good dumpling!” She giggled into the phone, “I’ll see you at noon!” She clicked off the call.
Jaunik groaned, hiding his face in his hands, “No! Dumplings aren’t manly! What was I thinking?”
Ava huffed, going through the rest of the morning’s work with considerably less stress.
Jaunik paced the apartment nervously, “Man-mode! Got to get into man-mode!” He dug through some of the old luggage he had from Alternia in the closet, eventually coming to the pair of nunchucks he had brought with.
“Man-mode!” He announced to the empty apartment, whipping the nunchucks around, “Man-GAH!” Just then Jaunik smacked himself in the face with the butt of one of the nunchucks.
Ava arrived at the couple’s usual spot in the park, takeaway in hand. When she saw Jaunik she froze, dropping the food and kneeling next to him to put a hand on his cheek, “What happened?”
Jaunik blushed, his ears drooping. There was a very prominent green bruise under one eye, “N-nothing,” He tried to deny before coughing and lowering his voice an octave, “I mean- Nothing I can’t handle.”
Ava snorted, trying to hold back a smile.
Jaunik’s shoulders slumped, his eyes going wide and betrayed, “ I’m very tough! ” He insisted.
Ava laughed, leaning up to press a kiss to his cheek, “I agree, you’re very tough.”
Jaunik couldn’t help but purr for a moment, leaning into her touch before remembering to clamp down on his emotions. He busied himself with unpacking the takeout, turning away so that she couldn’t see his blush.
Ava flopped down on the picnic blanket, enjoying the sun on her face, “This is nice.”
Jaunik hummed in agreement, sitting next to her.
Ava thought for a moment, thinking of how to best phrase what she was thinking, “I just...I just wanted to clarify something with you…”
Jaunik nodded seriously, sitting upright.
Ava played with the hem of her sleeve nervously, “We… we have a future...together...right?” She thought about living the rest of her life with him the way they had been, not married, but partners. That would be enough right? She couldn’t give him everything but they could be… enough.
Jaunik sighed out a breath of relief, thinking about a future where they married. He knew he wasn’t human, he wasn’t delusional, but he could be a good enough substitute. He nodded, “Y-yeah! We have a future.”
Ava let out a shaky breath, “Good. Good! I’m glad we’re on the same page.” She let her eyes close and relax, feeling the sunshine on her. “I don’t know what I was so worried about.”
Jaunik also let himself relax. He had done it! He had learned the correct way to be a human male and it worked. He hummed, admiring Ava’s long wavy black hair against the backdrop of the grass in the park. He eyed a couple of dandelions, the yellow blooms swaying slightly in the breeze. He plucked a couple and got to work.
Ava snorted, feeling him tuck something in her hair, “What’re you doing?”
Jaunik laughed, “You’ll see!”
It was the image that had caught him when he had watched the marriage documentary, the bride with flowers in her hair. He had wanted to see how it would look on Ava and so far it was breathtaking, better than he could’ve even imagined. The cheerful yellow of the dandelion suited her.
Ava realized what Jaunik was thinking of as well, the image that she had seen on the television screen had been haunting her ever since she knew that Jaunik knew what a marriage even was, like some terrible spectre of perfect femininity that she knew she could never live up to. It hurt to know that Jaunik was seeing something that she wasn’t, something she couldn’t ever be for him.
The fact that he was replacing daisies with dandelions made the image that much more ironic. Ava knew that she was sweaty from work, laying in a dirty New York park with dandelions in her hair. She was just about as far away from the perfect bride as she could be.
In the end that’s what all of this was, having her instead of anyone else was-
Well, it was replacing daisies with dandelions.
Ava sat up suddenly, shaking the dandelions from her hair, “Stop doing that!”
Jaunik held his hands back, “Doing what?”
“That!” Ava motioned with a hand, unwilling to look at him or else she felt like she might burst into tears, “You’re still-”
“Ah…” Jaunik looked down at the last dandelion in his hand, once again feeling foolish and ill-equipped. Putting flowers in your girlfriend’s hair isn’t manly, how stupid could he be? “I’m sorry.”
Ava groaned, and now he thinks he’s the one who has to apologize! She hissed a breath in through her teeth, “No don’t-”
“I’ll figure this out,” Jaunik assured her, a look of fear flitting across his face, “I have to go and figure this out.”
With that Jaunik stood up from their picnic and began to run through the park, something tense and panicked in the set of his shoulders.
Ava stood up from the picnic blanket, “Jaunik! Jaunik where are you going?”
When he didn’t come back Ava swore quietly to herself, “Why did I say that? God for the love of-” She kicked a trash can in frustration, a couple of bottles falling from the over-filled top, “-fucking christ.”
“Hey!” an old man on a bench looked disapprovingly at her, “That’s not very lady-like you know.”
Ava grumbled to herself, picking up the bottles and throwing them aggressively back onto the top of the trash can. She pointed a finger at the old man, “Eat a dick.”
Ava slammed open the back door of her veterinary practice, startling Jess and the very elderly beagle she had been working with, “OH MY GOD JESS! JAUNIK HATES ME NOW!” Letting the door slam back behind her, Ava leaned against it, sliding down to the floor.
Jess hushed the borking beagle before kneeling down on the floor in front of her friend, “Alright, start from the beginning.”
About ten minutes of Ava explaining the weekend’s and this morning’s events as the both of them tended to the old beagle who needed a checkup, Jess gave her a critical look. “Of course he’s acting a bit cold Ava, you probably really hurt his feelings!”
Ava groaned, “I know, I know…”
Jess made a frustrated motion with a hand, the old beagle following the movement and putting his head under her hand for scritches. “Isn’t he your perfect guy? Until now you kept coming in here gushing about the latest squirrel he saved and showing me picture after artistic picture of pigeons and rats that he took. Why is marrying him such a big deal? You obviously love him!”
Ava threw her head back, “I’m not-”
Jess threw her rubber gloves to the table, “Oh not fucking this again,” She squared her shoulders and mimicked Ava in a whiney voice, “Oh boo hoo I’m not marriage material! ”
Ava put her hands to her hips, “Hey!”
Jess put her own hands on her own hips, “Well it’s true! Are you really going to let the ghost of your ex boyfriend haunt all of your relationships?”
Ava shook her head, bewildered, “But I’m not-”
Jess sighed, throwing up a hand, “What? You’re not what?”
Ava threw her own hands up into the air, “I don’t know! I’m not kind, gentle, feminine, or any of that other wifey-type crap! What if we get married and I’m terrible at it! I can’t even cook Jess!”
Jess huffed, “Oh fuck off. If you weren’t kind you wouldn’t have spent weeks helping that pitbull with a broken leg. If you weren’t gentle you wouldn’t’ve been able to take care of those kittens someone found in a sack and brought in. You don’t take anyone’s shit and you have a sharp tongue in an argument, but that doesn’t mean you don’t care and love for things in your own way.”
Ava sniffed, wiping a cheek with the back of her hand.
“Also, it’s the fucking 21st century and Jaunik is a literal alien from outer space,” Jess laughed wryly, “If you think he cares about traditional gender roles then you’re even dumber than I thought.” Jess looked pensive for a moment, “You should probably learn how to cook though, not because of any gender bullshit, but because the amount you spend on takeaway is ridiculous.”
Ava barked out a laugh, wiping her face with a sleeve, “You have a point there…”
Jess huffed,“There’s a ‘but’ in there somewhere, come on spit it out.”
Ava paused for a moment, biting her bottom lip, “I...I don’t know how,” She fiddled with her sleeve, looking pensive, “I don’t know how to be married and that… that scares me a little.”
Jess snorted, “You’re one of the smartest people I know, which is why it’s always so surprising when you act so dumb.”
Ava’s nose wrinkled with indignation, “Hey!”
Jess flicked her on the nose, “Hey genius what do we do when we don’t know how to do something that’s important to you and the people you care about?”
When Ava didn’t answer Jess leaned back with a smile, “Well that’s when you fucking learn . Nobody says it will be easy, and quite frankly it will be tough. But when you care about someone you make an effort.”
Ava nodded, thinking furiously.
Jess smacked her on the arm, “Now get that dumb look off your face we have the patient from the zoo here.”
Ava straightened up, putting on her doctor’s jacket and gloves.
Jess leaned out of the doorway, “Oh and when you get home, fuck your boyfriend and then have a nice long conversation, ok? Or whatever happens first.”
Ava threw a glove at her.
Tia Wong was a cashier at the local corner grocery. She was mostly dealing with tourists buying sunscreen and cheap sandwiches so it surprised her when a grey hand put a packet of bacon on the counter.
She looked up to see a tall lanky troll with a green bruise under one eye. He seemed on the verge of tears looking down at the pack of bacon but there was also a determined set to his shoulders.
She gave him a wary smile, she had seen customers with that look on their face (usually in the middle of the night buying alcohol or plan b) and was trying to figure out what to say in case he burst into tears in the middle of the shop. “Find everything ok?”
The troll nodded vaguely, “Did you know that pigs are smarter than dogs?”
Tia quickly rang up the bacon and put it in a bag. Oh god this one’s going to be a crier, isn’t he? “Uh… no I didn’t know that. Your total is 4.50, would you like-”
The troll sniffed, definitely on the verge of tears. “They’re very social animals...They make decisions on where to forage and where to defecate together as a group.”
Tia smiled awkwardly, “Cash or cre-”
The troll was definitely crying now. “They have specific oinks for everything from food to love and have a verbal pattern as complex as dolphins!”
“Are you going to pay for your bacon or not?”
The troll fished out a five dollar bill, “They can be trained to sniff out bombs better than dogs.”
Tia handed him the plastic bag, “Please leave.”
The troll took the bag and held it to his chest, the misty look in his eyes worsening, “This was once a living breathing animal with a complex inner life.”
“There are customers in the line behind you sir.”
The troll suddenly got a determined look on their face, “I don’t know why this is a requirement, but if it’s for Ava then I’ll do it!” He ran out of the store, carrying the bag under one arm, “FOR AVA!”
Tia watched him leave, shaking her head. “...God I hate New York.”
Ava cut into the clinic’s newest patient, Jess was on the other side of the operating table, keeping the mass of pink feathers steady.
“God, this Flamingo smells like shrimp,” She groused.
“Weird,” Ava answered back flatly, “Do you think it’s because of all the fucking shrimp they eat?”
Jess rolled her eyes, “Oh shut up.”
Ava squinted down at the incision site, “No wonder she’s been slow to eat, there’s definitely something here in the gizzard…”
Jess didn’t answer though, too busy blowing a pink feather out of her face.
Ava reached in with her tweezers, pulling out-
-Ava huffed out a laugh, shaking her head, “Of course.”
Jess blew away another pink feather, “What? What’s so funny?”
Ava sighed, dropping the little metal thing into a specimen container, “You wouldn’t get it. Come on, let’s sew her up and get her into the recovery room.”
Jaunik had failed. He sat next to the little homemade grave in the park, the packet of bacon peeking out slightly from the side. A popsicle stick and his receipt making up the gravestone in which Jaunik had written “Once a wonderful pig.”
Jaunik sobbed, wiping green tears from his cheeks. Most park goers avoided the troll, carefully not looking in his direction and dukcing their heads to the sounds of his sobbing.
“I’m sorry Ava I just couldn’t do it,” He whispered to himself, “They were alive once.” He rested his chin on his knees, “And you agreed with me on pigeons and factory farming so maybe you’d agree with me on this?” He groaned, taking his horns in his hands and hiding his face behind his knees, “Oh who am I kidding? I’m a horrible substitute for a human husband.”
“Hey uh… troll dude?” A human jogger had stopped next to Jaunik and the bacon grave. He has expansive shoulders and an impressive physique on display as he jogged in nothing but a pair of shorts, slicked back hair and a barbed wire tattoo around a bicep. “Are you alright?”
Jaunik noted the ring on his finger, the confident swagger. “How did you do it?”
The guy seemed taken aback. “Yo what?”
Over the next ten minutes Jaunik laid out the whole sordid tale to the stranger, the other man squatting on a pair of impressive calves, listening intently.
“And that’s why I have to become a man!” Jaunik explained, waving his hands, “Or at least, a good approximation, but I keep messing up!”
“Oof,” The man slapped Jaunik roughly on the back, almost making the troll fall over, “That’s fuckin’ rough dude.”
Jaunik sniffed, rubbing a hand across his cheek.
The man sighed, “Look let’s getcha figured out, alright?” He extended a hand, “The name’s Tony by the way.”
Jaunik smiled, letting the man help him to his feet, “Jaunik.”
Tony put an arm around Jaunik’s shoulders, “Today, mark my words dude, we’re going to have an extensive education on all things manly, my bro.”
Ava and Jess were closing up for the day. Jess sweeping up a pile of pink feathers as Ava finished some paperwork. However her eye kept wandering to the specimen jar at the corner of her desk, something glittering within.
“Hey Jess,” Ava asked, “Can you finish up here?”
Jess leaned on the broom, looking quizzical, “Yeah. Why?”
Ava took the specimen jar and pocketed it, a determined look on her face. “I’m making an effort.”
Jaunik was taken to a bar by Tony who was now sporting a shirt, though he still wore his sunglasses despite the fact that it was quickly getting dark.
Tony smacked Jaunik on the back encouragingly, “Don’t worry, my bros know all about what it means to be a dude.”
Tony took Jaunik to a booth near the back where an assortment of men were already gathered
“Alright!” Tony greeted enthusiastically, “Bro-pack meet Jaunik, Jaunik meet the bro-pack!”
Jaunik waved awkwardly, “Hi Bro-pack!”
Tony motioned over to a muscular dude with long blonde hair and a shell necklace, “That’s my main dude Joey.”
Joey gave Jaunik a lazy salute, “S’up bro.”
Tony clapped a bald man with an impressive amount of tattoos on the shoulder, “And this is Snakebite.”
Jaunik squinted, “Why do they call you snakebite?”
Snakebite grinned, opening his mouth to reveal a tongue that had been split.
Jaunik nodded, “Ah gotcha.”
Tony then playfully punched an extremely large man on the shoulder. The man had chest hair spilling out from the top of the wifebeater and an impressive beard. A gold belt buckle gleamed at Jaunik from on the man’s faded jeans. “And this is Diesel Dan.”
Jaunik nodded, “Hello Mr. Diesel.”
Diesel Dan nodded, accepting the handshake. “Please,” He answered in a voice gruff from cigarettes, “Mr. Diesel was my father, call me Dan.”
“So!” Tony grinned at Jaunik, “Are you ready to learn all things manly?”
Jaunik nodded grimly, “I’m ready.”
Ava shimmied into one of her best dresses, brushing out her hair and dabbing on a bit of perfume. She pushed the trays into the oven, setting the timer and double-checking the timer. It was take and bake instead of homemade but hey it was a start.
She took the little thing from the specimen container and washed it under the sink, watching it change colors under the stream of water.
She set the table, opened the wine and lit the candles.
And then… She waited.
Jaunik so far was having a surprisingly wonderful time. Over a round of beer for the humans and a glass of fruit juice for himself he found out that Snakebite had a great recipe for vegan chocolate cake, Joey and Tony went to the zoo every month, and Diesel Dan…
...Well Diesel Dan agreed with him about pigeons.
Diesel Dan wiped his big craggy face with a napkin from the bar, “It just ain’t right,” He sobbed, “Lil feathery fuckers had no say in the matter, and people all up treat ‘em no better than rats. NO BETTER THAN RATS!”
Jaunik sniffed, patting the man’s massive hand on the table, “I know just how you feel Diesel Dan.”
Diesel Dan howled, collapsing onto the table sobbing.
Snakebite patted Jaunik on the shoulder. “But if you want to make it really moist, the secret is half a cup of applesauce.”
Jaunik smiled, “I’ll remember that! Neither me or Ava are very good cooks but I’d like to try it!”
Snakebite nodded knowingly, “My girl Alyssa doesn’t know how to cook either, so that’s my job in the house! I cook and in return well-” He shivered, “In return she takes care of the spiders.”
Diesel Dan lifted his head up from the table, “The other day a wasp got in the house and my dear Cheryl-” He sniffed with pride. “Well she went right up to that varmint and got ‘em under a cup!” He put a hand to his chest, “She ain’t afraid of nothin, I love her so much.”
“Oh yeah,”Jaunik countered, “Once I was on the porch at night and a bat flew into our apartment. Ava caught it in a shoebox and let it go outside.”
“Woah…” Joey nodded, “Your girlfriend is badass .”
Jaunik grinned, “Not only that but she watched ‘Marley and Me’ and didn’t shed a single tear.”
“What?” Tony took off his sunglasses, “But the dog dies in the end!”
Diesel Dan started to cry again, “MARLEY WAS SUCH A GOOD LIL DAWG!”
Snakebite put a hand on Jaunik’s forearm, “I mean this in the nicest way possible that your girlfriend is a stone cold bitch and I’m both afraid and in awe of her.”
Jaunik sniffed, looking down into his glass of empty juice, “I know! I love her so much!”
Tony reached across the table and patted Jaunik’s forearm, “See I wanted to show you that there’s no right way to be a dude, yanno? Snakebite’s a vegan, Diesel Dan cries every time he sees an ASPCA commercial-”
“They show all them lil cats n’ dogs in crates lookin’ sad!” Diesel Dan interjected, “I can’t handle none lil cat’s n’ dogs in crates lookin’ sad!”
Joey this time put a hand on Jaunik’s shoulder, “Gay, straight, trans, space alien, you’re all welcome into the brotherhood. Being a guy is so much more than being a douche and eating meat.”
Tony put a hand on Jaunik’s other shoulder, “And a marriage is more than just stuffy gender roles, it’s gonna be about the kinda guy you are appreciatin’ the kinda gal she is, and vise versa.”
Jaunik sniffed, hiding his face in his hands, “You guys are all so nice!”
Snakebite sniffed, “So what do you say? Do you want to be the Bro-pack’s newest member?”
Joey perked up, “We’re going bird-watching next week!”
Tony pumped a fist, “I’m gonna spot me a fuckin’ AMERICAN KESTREL!”
Jaunik gasped, “I love birdwatching! Of course I want to be a member of the Bro-pack!”
Diesel Dan picked up all four of them at once, crying while swaying them back and forth, “Welcome to the Bro-pack lil’ buddy!”
Once Jaunik was set down he wiped his eyes, grinning wildly, “Thanks bro-pack! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go home to my girlfriend!” He ran out the bar happily to the tune of Snakebite cheering and Diesel Dan sobbing.
Diesel Dan wiped his eyes with the hem of his wifebeater, “Aw hell, ain’t young love wonderful?”
Joey turned to Tony, “Were we ever like that?”
Tony took Joey’s hand and kissed his knuckles, right over the gold ring on his hand, “Bro, being married to you is the adventure of a lifetime. You light up my fuckin’ world bro.”
Joey put a hand over his heart, his eyes going misty, “ Bro …”
Tony nodded in agreement, “Bro…” He whispered tenderly back, the both of them leaning in for a kiss.
When Jaunik opened the door to their apartment late that night he saw Ava at their kitchen table, her head lifting up where she had obviously fallen asleep, the candles in the middle of the table having gone low and drippy.
“Jaunik?” Ava whispered.
Jaunik looked over the table, a hand on his heart, “You cooked?”
Ava huffed, tucking a piece of hair behind an ear, “Don’t get too excited, it’s just take and bake.”
Jaunik put his hands to his hips, “Still! What’s the occasion?”
Ava bit her lip, thinking how best to word this. “I’m… I’m making an effort.” She rubbed her hands together nervously, “I...I don’t know how to be a wife, and for the longest time I thought I didn’t have what it even took to be a wife, like there was something wrong with me that would make that fundamentally impossible.”
Jaunik knelt down next to where she was sitting at the table, “What? You would be an amazing wife! You’re beautiful and tough and flowers look beautiful in your hair and everything! You even agree with me about pigeons!”
Ava snorted, covering her face in her hand, “Oh god of course that’s all you needed.”
Jaunik smiled leaning in so that their foreheads touched, “Of course… I thought I had to be a better man to be your husband…”
Ava shook her head dismayed, “Is that why you spent all morning lowering your voice? Jaunik you couldn’t be a better man for me, nobody could! You’re sweet and kind and I love the way you look at everything like it’s beautiful.” She kissed him gently on the nose, “And you even agree with me about pigeons.”
Jaunik laughed, nuzzling her gently. He took her head in his hands and looked at her warmly, “Ava I love you. I don’t know exactly what kind of man I am yet, but I know the kind of man I am loves the kind of woman you are. I’ll wait however long you need to get married, and if you’re never ready then that’s ok too. I just know I want to spend the rest of my life next to you.”
Ava sniffed, punching him playfully in the chest, “You can’t just go around town saying shit that heartfelt and sweet, Jesus Christ that should be illegal.”
Jaunik smiled at her, “I’m not going around town saying that, I’m this sappy just for you.”
Ava smiled, pushing lightly on his chest, “So stand up you big lug I want to do something.”
Jaunik stood up, watching Ava slide down to her knees. She took something out of the pocket in her dress and showing it to him.
“It’s the same one you threw,” Ava explained, the dolphin-shaped mood ring glinting in the light, “Jaunik will you-”
“Wait, wait!” Jaunik got onto one knee as well. “I wanted to be the one kneeling for this!”
Ava snorted, “We can’t both be on our knees! I’m trying to make a big gesture!”
Jaunik held her hands, “Why not?”
Ava shook her head, laughing, “Oh my god fine.” She presented the ring again, “Jaunik, will you be my husband?”
Jaunik paused, “That depends.”
Ava’s face fell, “Depends on what?”
Jaunik leaned in, a shit-eating grin on his face, “You’ll be my wife at the same time, right?”
Ava snorted, “Oh my god yes, now put your stupid ring on.”
Jaunik laughed, obediently putting the ring on his finger. “What happens next?”
“Well,” Ava leaned in, “by the sounds of it, the rest of our lives.”
Jaunik leaned in as well. “I like the sound of that.”
They kissed, both kneeling on their kitchen floor, not knowing what the future held but willing to face it together.
The kind of woman Ava was, loving the kind of man Jaunik was.
And the kind of man Jaunik was, loving the kind of woman Ava was.