Chapter Text
Tim realized that in the world of social media, no family or individual could stay hidden for long and especially not a family as prominent as the Waynes. Imagine his sigh when the head of WE’s PR department sent him an email about ‘being mentioned in that wildly successful live by the Bats’ and ‘building on that to further WE’s efforts.’ Efforts in what, Tim wasn’t entirely sure, but they even copied Bruce and Lucius on it, and if Lucius was involved, there was no way to back out.
Here they were, nearly a week after the email and two after the original live, in the family room on the second floor of the East Wing, ready to go. Tim was, like before, fiddling with the camera and the encryption. It didn’t matter if viewers knew where they were, he wasn’t about to take any chances with the Manor’s security.
Behind him, Dick was situated on the love seat, his back against the armrest and legs sprawled on Jason next to him. Damian was seated on the three-seater, next to Bruce and an empty space for Tim. Cass and Duke were on the floor, Cass keeping her role from last time and Duke replacing Steph. Titus and Ace were curled up on the floor, Alfred the Cat sleeping on Damian’s lap.
Steph and Babs weren’t legally a part of the Wayne family, making their appearance unlikely. Babs was willing to this time, but PR said something about ‘making Gotham’s most eligible actually look eligible’ in a follow-up email. Tim understood the sentiment: exes were a no-no in the public celebrity world. Kate, like last time, was unwilling to join, opting to take them on a road trip with the other Birds of Prey.
Here they were, the viewer count in the waiting room nearing the three million mark. Alfred had set up drinks and some snacks on the coffee table in front of the sofas, while Bruce was going over the final checklist of basic answers.
“No information on Talia, or anything beyond the general for your birth parents, Duke. And Jason—“
“Yeah, yeah,” he said, messing with the cuff on Dick’s jeans. “No spilling on how fun waking up in your coffin is.”
“Jason, please.”
“‘Jason, please’,” he mocked, his voice going nasally. “Hey, we ready yet?” He threw a baby carrot at the back of Tim’s head.
“Yeah,” Tim said, catching the vegetable and biting it, “three and a half mil, thirty seconds.” Reminiscent of the first live, he handed a phone to Cass and Duke, Air-dropping the screen onto the plasma television on the wall. He adjusted the camera one last time, making sure it caught everyone in frame. He activated the stream when the “Ready to Begin Live” prompt appeared, before joining Bruce and Damian on the long couch.
“Hi, “ Tim started, “We’re the Waynes—“
“Oh, for real?”
“Shut up, Jason. We were name-dropped by Batman during their livestream, so we decided to do one of our own. We’ll try to answer as many questions as we can, so fire away.”
Duke whistled lowly when they noticed how many viewers and questions were rolling through. Dick laughed when he saw the viewer count.
“Man, we already beat the Bats’ six and a half mil!” He said, referring to the current viewer count of seven million.
Cass tapped on Duke’s shoulder, bringing his attention back to their task from watching Dick reach for a snack and almost kick Jason in the face. She held down a question.
“Okay, okay. @whereswally asks: since when is Jason alive and how the hell did that happen?” Everyone turned to Bruce, even Jason with the shit-eating grin on his face, prodding him to go ahead, old man, explain my resurrection away.
“It happened during that Crisis the Justice League caused a while ago. It brought back my son, as well as a significant number of other people.” He was nonchalant, using the recent Crisis event that involved a wave of antimatter and the public revelation of the truth behind the multiverse theory. “I don’t think any of us are complaining, we’re glad to have him back.”
“‘We’re glad to have him back’,” Jason mocked again, trying to get another rise out of Bruce. He simply sighed, tapping on Cass’ head to prompt her for the next question.
The next question Cass held down was one Duke knew would get Dick riled up. “@notsmallville asks: is cereal soup?”
“No! It is not soup!” Dick yelled out, sitting up on the couch. Jason groaned when his foot put pressure on his crotch, nearly attacking Dick. Tim decided to bait him further.
“There was an op-ed by a student at the College of William and Mary who said that “soup is anything that extracts flavor from a product by letting it soak in broth” and that cereal, in the traditional sense, is grain. Hot soups can have grains like barley while dry breakfast cereal is typically made from wheat and oat, which is made more flavorful by soaking in broth or, in this case, milk. Cereal is soup, and because we eat bread and soup together, a grain and broth, soup is cereal.”
“I’m gonna kill you in your sleep, Tim.”
Cass seemed to have a grudge against the oldest ones in the family, because her next question was an attack on Jason.
“Cassie, please,” Duke said softly, before faltering when the look in her eyes said otherwise. “Fine, @snakesandarrows asks: are hot dogs a sandwich?”
“That’s Roy, isn’t it,” Jason said, pushing Dick’s legs off of him one more time. “I’m gonna kill you in your sleep, man. Don’t start with me,” he threatened, staring straight at the camera.
“He sent three crying laughing emojis with a middle finger emoji,” Duke said.
“Isn’t so fun anymore, is it, little wing?” Dick teased, putting his foot against Jason’s face.
“Damian,” Duke said, reading another question, “@jonnyboykent asks: you’re the youngest, who’s the best sibling?”
“None of them. They’re all terrible,” he deadpanned, stroking Alfred the Cat’s fur.
“You’re worse, you little—“ Tim yelled, before Bruce put a hand on his face to stop the CEO of Wayne Enterprises, one of the largest conglomerates on the planet, from going any further.
Dick’s reaction was the worst, arguably: “I took care of you, baby bird! How could you do me this dirty?” The tears in his eyes did nothing for Damian, who simply shrugged.
“Next.”
“@annataz asks: big belly burger or bat burger?”
“Batburger,” Bruce deadpanned. “Next question.”
Cass held down one from Steph aimed at her, silently asked Duke if she could read it. He nodded happily. “@steffieb asks: cass who is your favorite sibling?” She looked at Jason and Dick, both of whom had looks of apology on their faces. “Tim and Duke.”
“Huh?” Tim asked, genuinely very confused, while Duke simply gave her a side hug. Dick clutched his shirt, lying back dramatically.
“Wow, one bird, two stones, huh, Goldie.”
“I’m hurt, Cassie.”
Duke read out the next question, “@youngbaekftloco asks: who’s worth the most? It’s Bruce, isn’t it?”
“Actually,” Bruce said, sounding proud, “it’s Tim now.”
Tim looked absolutely chuffed. “Black card.”
“Follow up question: @poppingjumping asks: who’s worth more, Tim or Red Robin?” Everyone in the room turned back to Tim after Duke finished the question, trying to see how Tim could walk his way out of this one without either outing himself, making it seem awkward, or making it seem as if the two were in a relationship.
“Red’s got nothing on me.”
Cass giggled when she held down the next question, making Duke look at her in fear. Cass nodded rapidly.
“What’s taking so long?” Damian asked, genuinely impatient and chewing on a cracker.
“Ladies and Cass, put on your belts,” Duke said, giving up the fight. “@paradiseprincess asks: who’s the best robin?”
“Obviously, it’s the current Robin!” Damian said, standing on the sofa and lifting Alfred the Cat with him. Bruce tugged him back down. It was as if the animals had sensed the oncoming conflict, because all three animals quickly scampered off.
“Fuck you, brat, it’s Red Robin—“
“Red ain’t even a fucking Robin, what’s he gonna do, throw a laptop at me or something?”
“I hope he does!”
“It’s the first Robin, the OG—“
“Shut up, Dick!” No one was really sure who said that one. Duke and Cass suddenly stood and ran to the other side of the room when Damian threw chips at Jason, who loudly proclaimed that ‘the second Robin, may whatever God bless his everlasting soul, was the best Robin and none of the other copycats could beat him,’ to which Dick shouted that ‘he was a copy himself!’
“Enough!” Bruce shouted, calming the four Robins down enough to get a word in. “It’s Spoiler.”
“Oh, fuck you—!“
Duke situated a bowl of popcorn on his lap, while Cass sipped on an iced coffee. She held down the next question.
“@konkon asks: superman or batman?”
“Neither,” Jason said, chasing a very high dosage painkiller down with a sip of one of Tim’s Red Bull. “It’s Wonder Woman.” A chorus of agreement went around the tired and slightly injured room. Bruce simply grunted while holding an ice pack to Damian’s back.
“@killerfrosty asks: Who’s the worst villain in Gotham?” Duke said in between handfuls of popcorn.
“Define worst,” Dick asked, upside down on the loveseat, snacking on chocolate and poking Jason with his foot.
“Uh,” Duke struggled to find an answer. He was relieved when Cass piped up for him.
“Dumb.”
“Definitely Condiment King,” Damian said, leaning on Bruce. Bruce nodded, remembering the so-called villain’s own self-inflicted downfall by slipping on ketchup.
“I see your Condiment King and I raise you one Riddler during Comic Con week,” Duke added, referring to the time Nygma almost lost his mind when cosplayers dressed in arguably better Riddler suits asked him impossible riddles.
“Both are absolute shit sticks,” Jason said.
“The one time all of you are calm is when the question involves lame villains?” Bruce asked, dumbfounded. When everyone nodded in agreement, Bruce felt more tired than ever.
“@starcitymayor asks: all of this sounds too convenient y’all sure you’re not the bats?” Everyone looked at each other.
“I mean,” Dick said, “we’re pretty sure?”
“But like, what if we were, man?” Tim said.
“We’d actually be doing something important rather than wasting time with this live,” Damian said, his feet on Bruce’s lap and another cracker in his hand.
“Kid’s got a point,” Jason said.
“That settles it, we’re not the Bats. Although it’d be cool, wouldn’t it?” Duke said.
“Nah.”
“Bruce, @makent asks: do you regret adopting them all?”
“All of them, all the time, except Cass.”
“Technically, I’m not adopted,” Damian said haughtily.
“And technically, your mom’s not a psychopath,” Tim mumbled. Damian launched himself across Bruce, who caught him in the nick of time. Dick grabbed Damian and hauled him to the loveseat, using his legs to trap the younger one.
“Like I said, all of them, all the time.”
“I’m his favorite,” Cass said proudly.
“Yes, you are.”
Cass held one question down that made Duke sorely uncomfortable. He truly wished Steph was here to handle this one, since none of the other birds would dare attack her the way they would him.
“I—fine, @greenlight asks: who’s the hottest?” Duke immediately stood up and hid behind the sofa, staying clear of the possible outbreak.
“No,” Bruce said, killing any conflict at its source. Cass looked up at him, blinking. He sighed, patting her hair. “Fine.”
“It’s me!” Dick said, nearly falling over and dragging Damian with him.
“Have you seen my guns?” Jason said, flexing.
“Same place as your dignity,” Tim replied.
“Fuck you—“
“That was fun!” Cass said slowly, clapping. “We should do again!” She looked up at Bruce again, who just sighed and nodded, too tired to fight. Damian agreed, now sitting on Dick who was on the floor on the opposite side of the room.
“We’ll bring Steph and Babs next time, fuck PR,” Jason said, sitting against Tim who pulled bits of food out of his hair.
The live ended there.
The following morning, Tim received a very long and somehow very loud email from his PR head. Attached were various headlines from different news sources: ‘Gotham's Royals Livestream with 9.7M Viewers,’ ‘Condiment King Creates Twitter After New Found Fame,’ ‘Bruce Wayne Reveals Favorite Child is Only Daughter Cass,’ and ‘Wayne Children Extremely Violent, Gotham Social Services Called for Remaining Minors.’ That last one was probably gonna cause a problem, but Tim chose to ignore it and read a trending piece from a student on Twitter, titled: ‘How I Will Score Tim Drake as My Sugar Daddy, A Thread.’