Chapter Text
Uhtred was lost in thought when he heard someone approaching. It was Hild. Ofcourse it was Hild. He did not dwell on who would be sent, but he was thankful it was Hild. Because only Hild has ever seen him like this before. At his lowest. And then lower than that. And she did not judge. Never once. Not even when he offered her protection and then was tempted to approach her once. He remembers seeing her in the small waterfall a long time ago. Before Guthred. She was washing and her back was to him. He remembers how he was looking for her and the unexpected sight of her made him stop in his tracks. He was flustered. She was a nun. He made to leave and he changed his mind and stayed. And when she turned and saw him she did not fear him. Though others would. She only reproached him. Reminded him that she accompanied him because she felt safe at his side. And he respected that. She has seen enough. He promised her his protection. He was ashamed of himself at her reminder
And when he was lost after ethandun, and all he had was his sword, Hild, and Halig, she helped him again. She reminded him of who he was and that his fate was not to be drunk in Mercia for all days to come.
And years later, he was lost once more. And she helped recover him. Her and Sihtric and his brother and even Alfred, but she helped. She was a warrior by then. And when he was returned, when he was truly at his lowest, broken and lost and not himself, she helped remind him again. She told him he had slept for three days, and he did not mind sleeping for a long time. Longer than it would take to forget everything. She helped him gather the broken pieces of his soul and she helped put him back together. And he was not ashamed to admit his weakness to her. And never once did she judge. She kept his blade sharp, for him, for years, when they were not certain he was ever coming back. She had faith in him. And he renewed his promise of protection.
And now, here they were again. He was still seated on the ground, his shirt discarded on one side and the whip on the other. She did not look surprised as she looked frustrated. His voice echoed in his head once more “I’m ashamed of what I’ve become” he once told her, in a setting not much different than this. It was not the same, but he was ashamed still.
She approached him, and when only the whip was between them, she retrieved it and hung it in her belt, behind her back, out of sight. He could see that Finan had told her what happened. She had a small bucket of water and clean cloths with her, among other things. She laid everything on the ground before him and sat there.
“I was not told exactly what happened.” she started “But I was told I’d be needed here.” she glanced at the discarded shirt. “And judging from everything here and Finan’s request, I’d say that it was not his idea.”
It’s not that Uhtred wanted to hide anything from her. He could never hide from her. She saw him. All of him and she accepted him. Just like he saw her and accepted her. His warrior nun. But he couldn’t bring himself to talk to her.
All he could think about was Halfdane’s threat and Finan’s warning. “Do your part, or leave the Danes to the Danes.” he knew he had pushed Finan. Tested him. But he was the only one who could do it. Like he said, it was justice. Justice for not protecting his man. Justice for failing him. Justice for weakening Coccham like that. Justice.
“I have failed.” he found himself saying, and he did not shy away from her judgement, because he knew there would be none.
“Lord?” she asked hesitantly when he did not elaborate, and he flinched so hard at the word, she saw it.
And by some miracle, she understood.
“Uhtred?” she tried again. And her voice was soothing. It always was.
“I failed, Hild.” and his voice was close to breaking.
“No you have not.” she said with such conviction, it surprised him. “If this is about Sihtric, then no you have not.”
“Everyone knows it. Even Finan.”
“Finan is not a Dane, Uhtred.” she said. She sat straight and started again. “And this time, you were not Uhtred of Bebbanburg.” She waited until he raised his head and was looking at her. “You were Uhtred Ragnarson, and that is what you needed to be.” She looked him in the eye, and there was a challenge there. “I’ve known you long enough to know the difference between both. To appreciate how much you try and how it takes its toll on you.” she took his hand in hers. “You did not fail.”
“I asked too much of Finan. And when I feared he would refuse, I used him.” he knew she’d understand if he told her everything, but he couldn’t find the words. “I fear I’m close to losing him.”
“If that were true, he would not have sent me.” she said while she stood up and went to sit behind him. She saw his back and again, did not comment. He was forever thankful for her acceptance. “And if that was something you needed, though we all disagree with you there, then no one else could have done it. But it was not needed.” She started by wiping his back.
“It was.” he said. “It was.”
“Then help me understand?” she asked. The same way she asked him a long time ago to teach her Sword-craft. And he remembers laughing and correcting her “Sword skill, it’s called.” and she so easily accepted his correction and repeated her request that he teach her sword skill. And perhaps it was the same. It took a while and she worked in silence before he found his voice again.
“Sihtric did not deserve to be punished.” She was done and he put on his shirt as she rounded him again and sat in front of him. “He did nothing wrong. Finan was right in his anger. But to refuse Bjarna was to end the peace.”
“We all know that. Finan knows that.”
“Had it been someone else, this wouldn’t have happened. I could have sent Clapa.”
“You do realise that you couldn’t have known, right?”
“It shouldn’t matter. Sihtric did not deserve it and I am the only one at fault here. And I need this to never happen again. But I couldn’t do anything about it. And I needed to. And that was the only thing I could do. To ask Finan. Because who I was really angry at was not Sihtric, not Halfdane and not even Bjarna. I caused this to happen. My failure. I was angry at myself. And I needed this to happen. So it wouldn’t happen again.” Ie looked at their hands, and he vaguely noted that he did not remember her reaching out to hold his hand. “So I wouldn’t fail any of my men again.”
“I know it’s not easy, but nobody said it would be. You are building something unique here, Uhtred.” she raised her hand and touched his cheek. He looked at her and she continued. “You are building something just like you. Dane and Saxon. Coccham is in your image. And it is thriving, Lord. Mistakes are bound to happen. Anything different is hard to build. And you are doing right by everyone. Never forget that.”
“You are too good for me, Hild.” he leaned forward and he touched his forehead to hers. “I will always be grateful I have your wisdom.”
“And I will always be here, Lord.” She said in return.
=
It was late when Uhtred left the longhouse and headed for the yard. Thankfully, the two pillars were not visible. They were covered, like always, by a stand for one of the local traders. He did not know what he’d do if they were still standing there, mocking him.
He approached the yard, and all his men were there. Making noise and drinking the last of the day away. He wished he could do the same. But there was still one more person he needed to talk to. Thankfully, he was there. Not as loud as the others, but he never was. And Finan was there as well, as silent as Sihtric. He sat by the end of the table, separated from the other, but his ever watchful gaze caught Uhtred first. He sat straight and followed Uhtred with his eyes as he approached.
Is this what Guthred felt, when he asked to speak with Uhtred when he was sitting with his men? Was he to expect a slap on the face as well? He now understood why Guthred did not react when Uhtred did it. He approached on heavy feet, and he neared Sihtric. As soon as the young dane saw him, he bolted and stood to face him. He looked worried and Uhtred felt drained. He hated to do this, but he told the men to leave. He’d speak with Sihtric alone. And he did not want to drag Sihric somewhere else and worry him even further.
By the time they dispersed, only Sihtric and Finan remained. Finan stood to the side, between Uhtred and Sihtric and Uhtred did not know if he wanted him to leave or not. Thankfully, Sihtric decided for him. And it was his decision. This concerned him and only him.
“Finan.” he only said and Finan turned his attention to him. They shared a look that Uhtred did not fully understand, but Sihtric only nodded silently and Finan left with a muttered “Lord.” thrown in Uhtred’s direction with a small tilt of the head.
Uhtred mentioned for Sihtric to sit and he sat opposite him, with the table between them.
They stayed silent and Sihtric did not speak.
“You did not escape.” Uhtred started. “Finan tells me you had a chance to and you did not take it.”
“I was claimed.” Sihtric replied easily. No regret in his voice.
“How was Bjarna’s treatment?” He asked. And he was surprised at how steady his voice was.
“He was a Lord punishing a slave, Lord. He honored his men.” and Uhtred knew that Sihtric said it as he saw it. Not a jab, but it hurt.
“So, he succeeded where I failed.”
“Lord?” Concerned.
Uhtred took a long breath and spoke. “I know we never talked about it, and it was never declared like it was now. But I claimed you to Bjarna’s men so that none of them would. I did not get the chance to talk to you first, and I did the only thing that can guarantee your safe return, so that we can decide what happens next.” Uhtred took the armrings he had asked Finan for earlier and put them on the table between them. And there was an extra one there as well. “You are free to seek your freedom somewhere else. You’re free of your oath.”
“Then I swear it again.” Sihtric said all too readily. “I choose to serve you, Lord.”
“You did not choose it, Sihtric.” Uhtred said tiredly. “It was your life for your sword.”
“It was my life AND my sword, lord.” he said with conviction. “It is my life and my sword. Always.”
“You were sent to spy and kill me by Kjartan, and you were caught and spared, what choice did you have?”
“I did not escape then and I did not escape now. I seem to be making that choice a lot. I am not one who is accustomed to making choices freely. But , I swear, that I chose. Over and again. And I chose to stay and wait for you. And by the Gods, I wanted to kill Guthred every day, but I waited for you. I chose that.” He looked down at the table and continued with determination. “What happened is my doing, and mine alone. Let me claim that. Because anything else would be a disservice and a lie. And that is not who I wish to become.” He raised his head and sat straight before he met Uhtred’s eyes and continued.”I will seek my freedom with you. And if I can’t find it, then I am happy to serve you all the same. You gave me that.” He said earnestly.
Uhtred did not reply straight away. He did not expect that from Sihtric. Sihtric only reached for the arm rings and unlike what uhtred expected, he only gathered his own original pair and he silently put them on his own arms.
Uhtred, in turn, reached for the third one and offered it to Sihtric.
“Here.” He said when the boy did not take it. “Consider it a wedding gift. You’ll need it if you are to start your own family.”
“Lord?”
“And I will be raising your stipend.”
“Lord, you’re already giving me more than expected. I-”
“You have my permission, Sihtric.”
“Thank you, Lord. Thank you. I-” he did not know what to say. Couldn’t find the words. “I will name my first son Uhtred!” He declared.
“No you will not. It is an honour I do not deserve.”
Sihtric still smiled and said nothing. He shook his head.
“And if any child of yours is born while you are in my service, you have my word that they will be born free. They will not share your fate. You have my word.”
“Lord, I do not know what to say, I-” It was more than he could ever ask for. It was something he always feared. He vowed to himself that he would never have children. And that vow was renewed every time he found himself alone and in the dark after a particularly cruel round of punishment. Deserved or not. He vowed to never inflict this on any one else. And if it meant forever being alone, then so be it. But that was before lord Uhtred and before Ealhswith. She was the only woman he ever wanted. He never had time or opportunity for that. Was never free to pursue anything he wanted like that. He gingerly took the third armring and all he could think about was family. And a home. Roots. Lord Uhtred gave him that. And to think that it was one day his task to help spy on him and take his eye.
==
When the whole ordeal was over, and when life was back to normal at Coccham, or as close as it gets to normal in a half dane half saxon estate with an Irishman as the commander of the household guards, Finan thinks about what happens.
He starts to notice things. Small things. How Uhtred treats Sihtric differently from the others. How he absentmindedly cares for him. He’d provide for him without even thinking about it. They’d be overseeing a trader by the river and Uhtred would pick something for Sihtric without making a big deal of it.
When Sihtric’s worn leather armor fell apart, and he sent it with one of the traders going to Winchester to be repaired, Uhtred had already ordered a new one for him and handed it to him without fuss when it arrived a day after Sihtric sent his. And he did not make a big deal out of it. And when they dealt with raiding danes at their border and Uhtred found a better Dane Seax, he gave it to Sihtric to replace his worn one. Small things, Finan noticed. Little things. But not new things. This was always how Uhtred treated Sihtric. But he never noticed. Just like when what happened brought things to Finan’s attention he never noticed but were always there. How Uhtred relied on Sihtric. Always sent him first. He thought he treated him as someone expendable, but he was giving him opportunities and responsibilities. To hone his skills and to gain experience. That was the same. Because he was responsible for him in every sense of the word and he honored that. Honoured his service. Because that is the way. The way of the Danes.