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• [given the show re-killed coldhands (who is NOT identified as anyone except a long-dead night's watch ranger), i think - i stopped watching the show about where it stopped following the books - Coldhands leaves Jojen, who has blearily been in/out of a magic resurrection coma thing, to Go Be Killed Off & jojen sort of hibernates the rest of the "long" night]
• Jon Snow, in "exile", stumbles upon Jojen being all Snow White-like, realises he's Meera's brother and Maybe Wants Her Brother's Bones. Jon, himself unnaturally alive, awkwardly realises Jojen is only MOSTLY dead & decides this is Serious Enough to hightail it to Winterfell and beg a raven off his cousin
• collectively passive-aggressive "HEY REMEMBER HOW THE LONE WOLF DIES AND HOW WE'RE AN INDEPENDENT KINGDOM UNBEHOLDEN TO FOREIGN POWERS" welcome at Winterfell for Jon
• Sansa, who is not so much giving Jon the Cold Shoulder as she is being polite-to-point-of-painfulness, wtites a letter to Samwell Tarly - but ASKS for Gilly, specifically, because GILLY isn't just Citadel-trained(ish) but someone who grew up at Craster's Keep & thus with Weird Cryptic Winter Superstitions
• Sansa ALSO sends for Jojen's sister, whose kiss unto her baby brother's cheek Wakes Him Out Of His Death Coma. Jojen isn't in the clear just yet, however - he's only gone from "Snow White" to "Sleeping Beauty".
• someone or another ends up escorting jojen to moat cailin, intending to venture further to The God's Eye but, like,
• Sansa & Meera get a raven from King Bran who's all " ah, yes, jojen has returned by now, yes? good: i expect him to return to his rightful place, at my side, soon" which is OUTRAGEOUS because APPARENTLY bran, in all his three eyed wisdom, didn't think MEERA might appreciate knowing her brother was alive
- the letter to sansa (that so CASUALLY informs her that, 1) bran learned jojen was still alive but never told anyone and, 2) bran is making jojen his hand, ousting tyrion) ends with "btw, shae was murdered by tyrion: i'll be expecting no-one's mercy" /sansa takes her outrage on the conveniently present jon & this Helps, a bit
• yara happens to be in White Harbour & offers to sail jojen down to her next port, Oldtown so Gilly can assess his situation
• idk, somehow jojen + co end up with peevish arya at the riverlands. edmure tully gets his due & asks his niece to kindly find her damned direwolf to take her man-eating wolf horde right back to your wolfswood and out of my kingdom, you jerk. FAMILY duty honour! YOU'RE AS TULLY AS YOU ARE STARK, ARYA!
• so arya goes home to HER sister but meera sadly cannot go to king's landing with her brother for, should she see bran stark's face once more, she shall surely punch him in his stupid face + she has a House to run
• idk, gendry gets jojen duty. he volunteers because PLEASE DEAR GODS I NEED BRAN TO MAKE LITERALLY ANYONE ELSE LORD PARAMOUNT OF THE STORMLANDS! I AM A BLACKSMITH, NOT A LANDLORD!
• (brienne ends up removed from kingsguard to serve as Evenstar but, like, also maybe Lady Paramount and re: surprise not dead? amnesiac jaime lannister, in dorne, because he went to go rescue ellaria sand because he feels honourbound to serve elia and her family, even with whatever racist bs the show tried to pull over dorne)
• so jojen and gendry get to king's landing, bran tries to do his "i am the three eyed raven" robot impresdion except "EXCUSE YOU, BRANDON STARK, I DID NOT DREAM OF YOU ALL MY LIFE AND DRAG YOU BEYOND THE WALL AND DIE FOR YOU THRICE-OVER TO HEAR THAT
- "FREAKIN BRYNDEN RIVERS IS POSESSING YOU OR WHATEVER: BECAUSE THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS THE THREE EYED RAVEN: THAT WAS JUST HOW BLOODRAVEN APPEARED TO YOU IN YOUR VISIONS! he was LYING to you, bran! YOU'RE A PERSON, NOT A TREE GOD! YOU CAN CHOOSE WHAT KIND OF SEER YOU'LL BE! WE'RE ALL DOOMED TO DIE YOUNG, unless we go be greenmen at the god's eye, BUT WE ARE ALLOWED TO LIVE!
- "AND LEAF COULDN'T HAVE BEEN THE LAST CHILD OF THE FOREST BECAUSE THE FUCKING GOD'S EYE IS FULL OF THEM! LEAF AND THAT CAVE WERE A BUNCH OF OUSTED CULTISTS WITH A VENDETTA AGAINST ALL HUMANS!
- brienne and gendry are just. SHOCKED.
- tyrion realises I DONE FUCKED UP OSHIT and nopes the heck outta there, j guess? maybe dorne gets custody or something
- at some point, jojen's aggressive emoting at bran ends up getting THROUGH to bran: bran, surfacing from the memories of a thousand trees and one, realises " HOLY CRAP: JOJEN! ALIVE!!!" and then "JOJEN! ALIVE!!! oh no he's hot"
- after x-years of being ONLY bran, the three eyed raven, bran stark's first act as bran, the boy, is:
- grabbing jojen (whose fury is at Baratheon levels and has thus stormed ever closer) by the face and ATTACKING HIS FACE WITH HIS TONGUE
- i.e. that which allosexuals dub "angry teen reunion makeouts, except neither of them know wtf they're doing but they don't CARE because FUCKING FINALLY!!"
- thus ends the "sleeping beauty" part of jojen's post-resurrection recovery: he died thrice and so needed three lives/loves/idk to truly restore himself. Sam Takes Note, upon gilly putting it altogether in Logic for everyone, and decides he really ought to go check on jon...
- (jojen was killed by others/wights, stopped from BECOMING a wight, then exploded; jojen was resurrected by bran's death/"birth" as the three-eyed raven, his sister's mourning him/joy at reuniting, and bran's return to personhood/passions - samwell "suggests" to jon snow that, in "fact", jojen's resurrection was only TRULY completed by his being kissed by death, by family, and by love; gilly told brienne told meera told arya told sansa the WHOLE explanation - you choose how that turns out)
- at some point, mention jaime is happily being brienne's trophy husband while they rule tarth; brienne is lady evenstar and also one of poor gendry's advisors; mya stone is remembered by sansa & put into show canon so she can help her brother by, idk, being older than him i guess; gendry gladly returns to being a blacksmith hedgeknight; arya takes gendry with her to shepard man-eating wolves out of the riverlands;
- tyrion is set to fixing the debts and civil unrest his family left the westerlands in; BRONN IS CASUALLY MENTIONED AS HAVING BEEN ASSASSINATED VERY SHORTLY AFTER HIS APPOINTNENTS AS MASTER OF COIN & LORD PARSMOUNT OF THE REACH: literally YARA is a better choice;
- speaking of yara, she hooks up with arianne martell (who was in hiding, idk) and both of them are RIGHTFULLY declared queens of their newly independent kingdoms - the two are busy ruling wildly distant kingdoms but they hook up on/off indefinitely;
- i want to sort out the shitshow the Shit Show left essos in but, like, IT WAS SO BAD AND RACIST AND BAD, idk, the amethyst empress reborn (who, incidentally, had been fighting off the reach of Magic Winter for DECADES and who were only pushed back behind The Five Forts mountain range, thus revealing the threat to post-dany!western essos) was busy rescuing the continent from ITS long night & she and braavos collectively helped unravel the MESS show!dany left everyone in; grey worm & dany's surviving army arrive back in essos in time to help rebuild post-apocalyptic western essos (easterm essos is taking care of their own); the dothraki not party to show!dany's whole deal, incidentally, had taken again their long lost roles as [nomadic cowboy sherriffs/essosi version of the dundedain rangers from tolkien/original agreement that meant the freefolk lived north of The Wall] and have freshly reminded essos why the dothraki terrifyingly have ONE city and it is made of the sacred relics of EVERY CIVILISATION THAT EVER CROSSED THE DOTHRAKI and khal widows live there doing cryptic arcane wizardry; braavos dubs the unsullied their champions and, with THEIR backing, the unsullied take advantage of the chaos that the "Free" Cities are in, post-almost-apocalypse, and do the "conquer the slavemasters!" thing but then, like, millenia of slave-based economics so; unsullied become drivers of an underground railroad that takes the enslaved from masters to braavos or the (reconquered from daario's mismanagement) Unsullied-occupied Dragon's Bay, and like, the Faceless Men give tips 'cause fuck slavery but killing oppressors doesn't equal living in freedom; so the amethyst empress, who is, like, OLENNA'S age by now, sends a few of her people to meet with Grey Worm's people, etc; local resistance groups THRIVE with the extra backing of openly powerful freedom fighters & are put in charge of their respective regions; drogon shows up and, idk, finds himself in his ancestor's ancestor's homeland of Yi Ti;
OH! AND GHOST, THE GOODEST BOY, WAS THE ONE TO LEAD JON TO coma!JOJEN AND JON WAS SO HAPPY TO SEE HIS WOLFBROTHER ALIVE AND OH GOODNESS, GHOST HAS FOUND A HIPPO-SIZED DIREWOLF TO COURT AND IS TOO BUSY FOR YOUR ABANDONMENT ISSUES, COME BACK WHEN YOU SORT OUT YOUR PACK HOOMAN & TELL MY SISTER NYMERIA TO VISIT
and aria only made it to [fariman? Fair isle? that really westerly island everyone else is superstitious and spooked by that was ruled by a lesbian power couple who had a dragon for a hot minute] before remembering SHE ISN'T ASHA GREYJOY: SHE HAS NO IDEA HOW TO SAIL A SHIP OR WHAT EVEN CARTOGRAPHY OR ASTRAL NAVIGATION and she ends up rescued by yara (because yara is the only one other than davos competent at sea + in the show + still alive) and THAT's why she's all set to be dressed down by her uncle for forgetting the Tully words
- yay i think i fixed most of the things except for shireen and missandei both being dead but that's another day i guess