Chapter Text
Kaz is numb.
Any other, normal person would have long since started crying, but he simply stares at the paper in front of him, the pressure behind his eyes unbearable, the press of tears against his throat so much that it aches.
Goodbye, Kaz.
Oh, sweet, sweet Inej. She was trying so hard to help him, but damn him and his pride—he didn't let himself give in to her worry. He's not the kind of oblivious idiot who doesn't know when he's not doing well. He knows he's affected by the events that took place not a week ago—he's having more nightmares, feeling more and more jumpy. He's exhausted, he thinks as he takes a shaking breath and drops his head into his hands, mentally, emotionally and physically. But he doesn't dare close his eyes. No comfort awaits him there either—just haunting memories of Jordie's corpse, of him clinging on for his life. Sometimes, it's Inej's body he's clutching.
He can't bear it. So he doesn't sleep. Doesn't close his eyes, even for a moment, because if he does, the memories will drown him, and Rollins will strike in that millisecond of weakness—
Oh, Ghezen, Rollins.
Damnit, Kaz had already written him off as done and destroyed, another one of his victims. None of them ever dared to try and strike back—and if they did, Kaz has always stopped them before they even begun.
But Pekka is clearly different.
But Kaz doesn't intend to let him con him again, just as he's did when he was an innocent boy.
A headache pulses behind his eyes. Kaz takes a tight breath and presses his fingers to his temples. Outside, he can hear the noise die down as the dregs head off to bed. It's late, so late that it could be considered morning.
Kaz sits for a while, head in his hands, till someone knocks on his door.
"Boss?" It's Anika.
Kaz sighs. "What is it?"
"You gonna head up to bed soon?"
"What's it got to do with you?" Kaz snaps.
"Well, I'm turning in, so just wanted to let you know."
Kaz doesn't reply, massaging his temples, trying to push away the exhaustion nagging at him. He hears Anika walk away and after a while, places his hands on the table and braves himself. Levering himself to his feet is more painful than it should be—his body is sore and his leg's always worse in the cold weather. A slight hiss escapes him.
He drags himself up to his room, cursing himself for—damn, he doesn't know why he's cursing himself. Weariness is settling over him like a heavy blanket.
Ghezen, he needs to get his act together.
His room is a mess, which is unusual, and there lies a folded paper on his desk, which he eyes for a long while before picking up.
I just wanted you to know I'm heading out again. Write to me, okay?
Love, your Wraith.
Kaz's heart does a weird dance. My Wraith. A smile almost spreads across his face, but then fades. No. She's not my Wraith. She's not...she's not mine at all.
Damn him, he can't bring himself to trust Inej again. What if it's all an act? Had she really been able to shake all the control off in that split second? Or is there something lurking still, waiting to rear its ugly head?
Is she waiting for him to trust her? And when he does—she'll strike.
No, Kaz insists. Inej is herself again. She would never hurt me.
But the doubt still lingers.
Kaz crumples the paper in a sudden fit of anger, hauling it across the room. Of all the things he's gone through, never has he been faced by betrayal like this from one of his own. One of his family. And now, when it's Inej of all people, it almost hurts worse than Jordie's death.
The anger is fading away, and panic is rushing in again. He's been numb for so long, refusing to give into the unbearable pressure in his chest. He hasn't allowed himself to cry, or to grieve, or to process anything. He's only raged, at himself and everybody else, and once the fury departs, it leaves him exhausted, with that knot in his chest only worse than before.
And then suddenly, the hair at the back of his neck prickles. The dread and the anxiety return full force.
Outside, a crow croaks, but is cut off suddenly. Kaz flinches.
Something is wrong. He can feel it in the air.
Pekka is back.