Chapter Text
Things hadn’t so much been set in motion as they had exploded all over the place. And it hadn’t even been a month.
Why couldn’t they just work together?
And did Mello really have to use a goddamned missile??
As far as Light was concerned, L hadn’t been that frustrated with him in a long time, and he needed a break. It was usually bad enough that he was constantly acting like an asshole towards Misa... And sure, L had no particular affection for her, and she definitely had a part in how fucked up their relationship was - but she was generally being nice and caring towards Light. Whose attitude made him very much not deserving of such attention.
Near and Mello revealing themselves had only made that worse - but what pissed L off the most was the complete disregard Light was showing towards his own family. L knew Light had considered - albeit briefly - the possibility of killing his sister to save his precious notebook. And now that his father was planning on using the Death Note, Light would want to maintain the illusion that his thirteen days rule was true.
That was just too much.
“You have everything Light, don’t you see?” L spat at him in anger. “They all love you, but you don’t care about it. You just use people and discard them like they're nothing but tools to you. You don’t realize how lucky you are to have a family. If it was me, I would—”
He stopped himself and gritted his teeth. That had been the one thing he had never gotten the courage to do. He knew that while he didn’t actively remember his time before the old orphanage, his subconscious must have stored memories. If he focused properly, he could find his childhood home, and trigger a flashback… But he was scared.
Because there was nothing he could find there that would be comforting.
Either he had had a loving family and they had all died except him - which would be rather depressing to witness again, not to mention increase his anger towards Light for not appreciating his own loving, living family. Or he had had abusing parents, or ones that had simply abandoned him - which would also be depressing and would not make him any less angry.
Really there was nothing to gain from finding out. There was a reason why he had never asked Watari about his past. He had never really dwelled on the thought either. One cannot miss what one has never had - or remembered having, he supposed, in his case.
Still now… Seeing Light being surrounded by all these people who believed in him, cared for him, loved him… And him being so fucking ungrateful.
You don’t deserve any of them.
L heard Light tell his father to make the eye deal with Ryuk and the rage inside of him boiled even harder.
“It’s not fair. You have it all, you know you do, and you abuse it like this. Do you even feel any kind of remorse anymore?” L clenched his fists and glared at the back of Light’s head. “Me, I have… All I ever had, I had to take for myself. And now I’m dead. Because of you. I never had what you— I wish—”
He bit his lip to make himself stop talking. His thoughts were spiraling and he could barely keep track of why exactly he was angry - was it really on Light’s family’s behalf, was it jealousy, was it just that he had enough and wanted it all to finally end? He stepped outside, relishing the quietness of the hallway as he tried to decide what he was going to do. Shadowing Light right now was the last thing he wanted to do… He could always go watch the operation - after all, he kinda hoped neither Mello nor any of the task force members would die, but…
Really, there was only one thing he could think of right now.
I have to know.
Before he could change his mind, L started to focus. He was shaking but he pushed down the fear, trying to quiet his thoughts and block down everything around him. He had never tried going back that far, in memories he couldn’t even consciously access, so maybe it wouldn’t even work, maybe he wouldn’t have to—
No. I want to know. Who I am. Where I come from. I shouldn’t try to escape the past anymore, it’s meaningless at this point.
When L opened his eyes, he was standing in a hospital room. The colors immediately faded as a flashback took over, showing him the room as it had been almost thirty years ago. It didn’t look so much like a hospital anymore - more like some old medical house. The walls were worn and the paint was coming off in various places. A half-torn safety notice was hanging on the wall, L could see the writing was in English.
A young woman with long, dark hair was sitting on the bed, holding a tiny baby tight against her chest and slowly rocking back and forth. She looked so young, probably no older than eighteen or nineteen years old. The baby seemed to be sleeping peacefully in her arms.
Is this… Me? And…
Is she my...
L realized the girl was crying.
“I'm sorry,” she whispered over and over, her hand gently stroking the back of the baby’s head. Slowly, she got up, and placed the baby in his cot. The baby’s face scrunched up a bit but he kept sleeping, his small fists coming up near his face. A quiet sob escaped the girl and she swiftly rubbed her face on her sleeve in a vain attempt to brush away her tears. She tugged a small, white blanket around the tiny baby’s body and leaned forward to kiss him gently on the forehead.
“I’m sorry,” she said again. “I love you. Forgive me.”
And with that she grabbed a small bag and left the room.
L’s throat closed up as his eyes followed her until she disappeared through the door. Before he could do anything, the scene faded into something else. The same room, but there were nurses talking quietly next to the still sleeping baby.
“She ran away?”
“Doesn’t surprise me. She has been hiding it from her family the whole time. She couldn’t take care of him. Wouldn’t be the first one, that’s usually why they come here. You’ll get used to it.”
“But what about him?”
“He’ll go to an orphanage. If he’s lucky, someone will adopt him. What name did she give him?”
“It doesn’t say on the chart… Wait, even her name is incomplete. It just says L. Lawliet.”
“Yes, they often do that. Just put the same down for the child. If he’s adopted they can always change it.”
“But…”
“You’ll get used to it.”
The nurses left, and L stared at the baby, his fists clenched and his entire body shaking. He took a few steps forward, stopping just in front of the cot where the baby - he - was asleep, peacefully unaware of reality. L’s eyes caught something on the blanket and he gasped quietly.
In the corner of the white blanket was a blue, embroidered letter ‘L’. He remembered having that blanket with him at the orphanage before Wammy’s - it had been the only thing he had brought along with him when Watari had taken him in. It must still be back in his old room at the house, unless they had thrown out everything after learning of his death.
Holding back his tears, L reached out to the baby’s face. He wished he were able to touch him, reassure him, maybe, that it wasn’t all going to be horrible.
It’s not going to be great either. I can’t tell you that you will be happy. You just won’t necessarily be unhappy.
Was it weird, to want to comfort his own younger self? To want to apologize for having gambled your own life to try and win a rigged game against a lying opponent? To feel sorry for the memory of that little baby, that small, innocent life that had only just started and did not know yet of the hardships and reality of the world? Had that life been doomed from the start?
She said she loved me… Did she… Did she ever regret leaving me here?
A part of him was angry, but he did not want to judge her. She had seemed so distraught about leaving him; in that moment she must have felt like she had no other choice.
Did she forget about me?
Do I want to know?
L’s eyes fell on the blanket again, on that embroidered letter. Did you make it yourself? Did you make it for me, so I could have something from you?
His chest heaved as he tried to hold back a sob, but he still couldn’t stop a few tears from escaping his eyes. Since he had already found out this much, better go all the way. He glanced at the baby one last time and closed his eyes, focusing on the memory of the girl, the woman who had been holding that little life so tightly. His mother.
This time, when he opened his eyes, it was the present.
A woman was sitting on a couch, reading a book. She looked significantly older but L still recognized her as his mother. He let his gaze wander around the room slowly. It was a cozy living-room, not too big but not too small either, with a few pictures of various landscapes decorating the walls, and shelves filled with books. He could see a garden from outside the window, where autumn leaves were starting to fall.
On his mother’s left, there was a stone fireplace. A small fire was burning in it, and on top of it, L could see many photos being displayed. Photos of his mother with a man, wedding photos in which she was smiling brightly with him… A picture of them holding a baby, their eyes tired but shining with happiness. Family pictures of the three of them as the baby - a girl - grew. One of the most recent pictures showed the girl as a teenager - a striking image of how his mother had looked back at the hospital.
L closed his eyes, swallowing hard. It seemed he had barely managed to regain control over his emotions, yet that control already threatened to slip away.
“So, I have a sister,” he said quietly. He wasn’t sure what to say - he wasn’t sure what to think, what to feel, really. Should he be angry? That after his mother had left him she had moved on to live a normal, seemingly happy life? That she hadn’t fought for him, for the chance to give him that same life?
“I’m not mad at you,” he said eventually, his voice unsteady as he turned to look at his mother. “I mean, I don’t want to be mad at you. But I…”
She truly did look heartbroken. Would it be fair of me to want her to have lived her entire life in despair?
The memory replayed in his head. “I’m sorry. I love you.”
He closed his eyes again, tears threatening to spill once more. At this point, maybe this is all I need to know. “Did you mean it? Back then?”
Not expecting an answer, he sat next to her, watching her face intensely and taking in her features. “Do I even look like you? I can’t tell… I guess there’s the hair color at least.” He sighed shakily, looking around the room again. It did look so warm and comfortable, and somehow he felt so out of place in such an atmosphere. “I suppose all this wasn’t ever meant for me. But I had other opportunities too, and Watari was only ever kind to me. It wasn’t all bad. If you had stayed with me, maybe your family would have thrown you out, maybe we both would have...” L trailed off, unwilling to finish the thought. He swallowed back more tears before turning towards his mother again.
“Forgive me,” the memory echoed in his mind.
You did what you thought was best under the circumstances, didn’t you?
“Mother… I forgive you,” he said finally, reaching out to brush his knuckles against the back of his mother’s hand.
What happened then was entirely unexpected. His mother gasped, then blinked around the room as she put down her book. Her trembling hand went to the chain around her neck. It had two small golden heart pendants attached to it, and her fingers closed around one, thumb finger rubbing over it slightly. The pendant caught the light and for a brief instant L could see something engraved on it before his mother’s thumb covered it again.
The letter L.
L’s eyes widened, tears falling freely from them now, and he was about to reach out again when he heard a man’s voice coming from the hallway.
“Leana? Are you alright?”
The man in the pictures had poked his head inside the living room, looking concerned.
“I’m… Yes. Just thought I heard something, but I guess it must have been you. Are you two done with her school project?”
“Almost, but we thought we could take a break. Wanna come get some waffles with us down the street?”
L’s mother smiled. “Of course. I’ll get ready.”
The man smiled back at her before disappearing into the hallway. She stood slowly then followed him, but suddenly stopped in the doorway, her hand moving back up to her necklace. She bit her lip, looking torn, then shook her head in disbelief and stepped out of the living-room.
Leana. Mother.
So, you didn’t forget.
L watched her leave for the second time, before crumbling to his knees. His nails dug into his arms as he hugged himself, not bothering to try and hold back anymore as sobs racked his body.
Thank you.
When L felt he could handle it, he decided to go back to where Light was. He wasn’t sure how much time had passed, but the operation had to have been over by now. L was fully ready to scream at Light for hours if he was indeed planning to kill his father in thirteen days - it was already bad enough that the poor man had shortened his lifespan by taking the eyes deal.
L hadn’t, however, been prepared to find himself in yet another hospital room, this time to watch Soichiro Yagami die.
Light, what have you done?
L could barely comprehend what was going on. Soichiro was bandaged; he seemed to be heavily wounded. Surely if Light had orchestrated to kill his father he wouldn’t have made him go through something that painful? The rest of the task force was there as well and they all seemed to have suffered various wounds.
How long was I gone? What happened?
Light was screaming something about writing Mello’s name, he seemed on the verge of breaking down but L couldn’t tell whether it was because his father was about to die or if it was all because Mello wasn’t dead yet.
Is there any real emotion left inside of you? Or do you only care about your goals?
Thinking that way made him feel sick. As L turned to leave the room, the machines beeped and L heard Light scream louder. This time, L could almost swear that the agony in Light’s voice felt real… But at this point, maybe it was only wishful thinking. L lowered his eyes.
I’m sorry, Yagami-san. If I had solved the case back then…
Ryuk was hovering in the hallway and froze upon seeing L. “Wow, what happened to you?”
L blinked, then realized he probably looked like a mess, even in his ghost state. He couldn’t remember ever crying that much - and he also really didn’t want to talk about it with Ryuk. Alright, maybe he was slightly curious about how his mother had seemed able to feel his presence, but somehow he was also perfectly fine with not solving that particular mystery. So instead, he changed the subject. “What the hell happened here? How long was I gone?”
Ryuk told L about the operation and how everything had gone wrong. L felt slightly relieved that Mello had escaped, if only because he hoped that he might finally join Near in order to expose Light.
“He didn’t kill him, you know,” Ryuk added.
“Huh?”
“Light-o there. He didn’t kill his father. I’m not saying he wouldn’t have done it in thirteen days, but I think he would have tried to make him keep writing so that he wouldn’t have had to do it.”
“Do you really think he still cares about his family?” L asked bitterly.
Ryuk shrugged. “Maybe. He talks a lot, but I’m not sure he would be able to kill them so easily. He probably won’t handle what just happened so well either. But what do I know?”
L was always surprised by Ryuk’s insights into Light’s psyche. Although he supposed the Shinigami had been watching Light for even longer than L had, and he had actually seen him become Kira.
“At least Soichiro died believing Light wasn’t Kira. For him all this hasn’t been too bad.”
L gave a derisive snort. “Not too bad. That’s one way to see things.”
“Again, what do I know? I’m just a god of death.”
L shook his head and gave the Shinigami a sad smile. He would go check on Light later, for now, he just needed to go out and clear his mind.
When he came back to Light’s place, it was deep into the night. Light was sitting at his desk, his head buried into his folded arms. At first glance, the man seemed to be sleeping, but something felt off. As L got closer, he realized what it was.
Light was crying.
It wasn’t the full-on breakdown L had witnessed in the hospital room. The sobs were muffled, as if Light was trying his best to remain quiet. As if he didn’t want anyone to see him like this.
This isn’t another act, is it? You played the part of the loving son panicking over his father’s death in front of the others... But now you’re actually feeling the loss, aren’t you? I guess Ryuk was right, after all. You haven’t become entirely heartless.
L frowned, feeling distraught. He had gone through his very own roller coaster of emotions today as well, and the death of Soichiro definitely affected him too. Especially as he felt he had his own part of responsibility in it, in a way.
“Your father was a good man,” L said softly. “I wonder if mine was. I’m not sure what the story is... Did he leave my mother when she got pregnant with me, or had he planned on being with her but then something happened to him? I don't think there's any way for me to know... But it’s okay, I suppose. Maybe I don’t need to know everything.” What I’ve learned is enough.
He shook his head, sighing. “Your mother seems like a good person, too. Light, do you realize that you’ve always had the kind of perfect life so many people crave for? Loving parents, kind sister… All your needs were provided for, and you were also gifted with a great mind and beautiful features. I understand the loneliness that comes with a genius mind, but…”
L huffed sadly. “It’s the same kind of life my mother made for herself eventually. The kind of life I never had even the slightest taste of. I’ve always been jealous of you for that. They love you, Light, don’t you realize how lucky you are to have people who love you? I’ve never known how that felt… Having seen my past now, I suppose I was loved, in a way… But it’s not the same as growing up knowing it. You know it, Light. You’ve had that kind of love all your life. And seeing you throw all that away, seeing the toll your misguided crusade has had on your family… I really wanted to yell at you tonight, but I…”
Light raised his head at that moment, his body shaking with a barely contained sob. His face was covered in tears that he swiftly tried to brush away with his hands and the sleeves of his shirt. For a brief moment, Light looked straight ahead, trying to get his breathing under control but his chest was still heaving and he kept brushing away stray tears.
But what struck L the most were his eyes.
Light didn’t simply look sad. He looked lost, shattered . Vulnerable. Young.
There was no sign of Kira in his eyes at that moment. It took L back years ago, back when Light had still been detained in a cell, just a scared, innocent young man looking up at L through the cameras with desperate honesty.
So there’s still a part of you that hasn’t been lost to Kira yet.
“Damn you, Light,” L said with a sad, nervous chuckle. “It would be so much easier to hate you if you were consistently acting like an asshole, but then you have to go and look like this.”
Light’s expression started to crumble and he buried his face in his arms again. L could see his shoulders shake as the man struggled to keep quiet.
Who am I kidding? Even though you infuriate me to no end, even though the things you do and say as Kira should have made me give up on you long ago… I still can’t actually hate you.
L shifted closer, wrapping his arms around Light in an incorporeal hug.
“I’m sorry about your father,” he whispered softly.
Light only got worse after that. Gone was the glimpse of the young man who grieved for his father that L had been able to see that night. The vulnerable, lost look in Light’s eyes had quickly been replaced by stone-cold determination and barely concealed hatred for everyone that dared oppose him.
Things weren’t looking so good for Light. L had seen Near and Mello share information; he knew that Near had finally narrowed it down and that Light was now his prime suspect. The task force’s faith in Light was beginning to falter, and Light was getting desperate, seeking allies who he thought he could perfectly control.
L wondered whether Light really believed he still had the upper hand, or if he was just trying to ignore the truth.
The game was almost over.
Ryuk had noticed it too. He even went as far as to ask L if he didn’t have any idea how to prolong the fun.
“Sorry Ryuk,” L told him with a small smile. “The past few years might only feel like a short moment in time for you, but as far as I’m concerned, five years as a ghost are more than enough. I’m ready for it all to end.”
“So you really think what you need is for Light to die?”
L remained silent for a moment, pondering over his reply. “I can’t be a hundred percent sure, of course. But it makes sense. It’s the same reason why I always come back to him, the same reason why he’s always mumbling things about Near not being as good as me…” L sighed, crouching on a chair and hugging his knees. Light was napping on the couch right next to them. “You told me once that he missed me. And maybe, in some twisted way, it’s true. I suppose that, in a similar way, I miss him too. People like us, we spend our life winning so easily... So, once we find someone on our level, it’s intoxicating. Also, as you may have noticed by now, we both tend to be rather stubborn.”
Ryuk snorted. “Damn right. But then even if he dies, you won’t really have won.”
“At this point, it isn’t about winning anymore. More about closure, I guess. If we’re both dead, the game is over. There’s nothing left here for either of us, and really, we both lost.”
L looked over at Light. It never ceased to baffle him that he could sleep so peacefully considering everything he had done, but it was also nice to see him like this. It was the only time L could see a purely human expression on his face - no fabricated righteousness or murderous urges.
I wonder… When you die, will you die as Kira or as yourself? Will you be angry that you lost, or scared to die?
“Say, Ryuk, will I be able to talk to him when he dies?”
“I don’t know,” Ryuk replied, unhelpfully. “Like you said, you’re both stubborn. He might look for something before disappearing, but I guess it depends on him. But if you’re right about yourself, you won’t have much time. And after that... There’s nothing.”
L nodded slowly. “So you told me.” He turned towards Light and smiled softly. “Well then Light, I hope you’ll look for me as you go.”
If this all has to end in nothingness, then hopefully we won’t have to face it alone.
Mello and Matt were dead, and so was Light’s former classmate, the last person he had manipulated into helping him. Light was growing restless, too impatient to end things with Near. L knew that his overconfidence in both his plan and Mikami’s ability to follow all of his instructions was going to be his undoing. He knew what preparations Near had done on his end, knew how their meeting was going to unfold.
It would be the end for Kira. For Light.
L watched from afar as Light and the task force stepped into the warehouse. Ryuk had hung back a little to be able to talk to him without being heard.
“I guess this is goodbye, Ryuk,” L said. “I wouldn’t say this has been fun, but it has been rather nice to have someone I could actually interact with during all these years.”
Ryuk laughed. “Well, watching you get angry at Light-o was certainly entertaining. Also, if you hadn’t assured me things would be getting interesting again, I might have already killed him. He’s a lot less fun to watch when no one opposes him.”
L rolled his eyes at him. “Well I hope this confrontation will be worth your while,” he retorted, voice heavy with sarcasm. “I would love to ask you not to send another notebook into our world, at least for a while, but I know you’ll just do as you please anyway.”
“You’re right, mister detective. But you two have given me enough entertainment for some time, I suppose. If that can offer you some peace of mind,” he said with a wide grin.
“I’ll have peace of mind soon enough,” L replied quietly, glancing towards the warehouse.
“You’re not coming to watch?”
“I can’t deny I’m not curious, but weirdly, I don’t really want to come,” L sighed. “I know he’s going to try and lie his way out of it - and then when it won’t work, it will most likely get ugly. I’ve seen enough glimpses of Kira these past few years, I’m not sure I want to see what happens when he completely lets go of his facade.”
“Suits yourself. But how will you know, then?”
L’s lips curled into a small, enigmatic smile. “I’ll know.”
After Ryuk had left, L went to sit on top of the warehouse - one of the good things about being a ghost. L supposed it hadn’t all been bad - after all, it was kind of better to have been able to gain all the answers than to have died without having understood everything.
It had also allowed him to learn about his past, even if it had taken him years and being really angry at Light before he could muster the courage. Finding out the truth had been distressing to the extreme, but it had eventually brought him a comfortable sense of peace. Of acceptance.
As for Light… Maybe, under different circumstances, they could have been good friends. They would certainly have made a rather extraordinary team, had they been on the same side. Maybe there could even have been more between them - even though such musings usually came to L late at night while watching Light sleep. That was when he would remember the endless conversations, soft laughs and knowing looks from their time chained together.
Maybe it was just time and loneliness that made him interpret those moments differently. It didn’t matter terribly anyway, given the circumstances. All L knew was that never mind the nature of their relationship, they were tied somehow. Connected, even beyond death. It had shown in Light’s inability to move on from their old rivalry, and in L’s inability to stop himself from always coming back to Light.
It only made sense for them to fade away together.
Any moment now.
Bells started to echo in L’s mind as gunshots echoed from inside the warehouse.
That wasn’t what L had expected, but it wouldn’t change things much. He was about to go inside and check when he noticed a shadow moving around the back of the building.
Light.
His suit was covered in blood and his hair in disarray. He was holding his right arm, visibly in pain, but he was still able to run away. L caught sight of Ryuk who was hovering behind him from a distance. Their eyes met, and L rushed after Light, following him to an abandoned building.
Light was lying collapsed on the stairway, his eyes looking blankly ahead, but he was still breathing.
L got closer, floating in front of Light. Peacefulness mixed with anticipation washed over him as he heard Light take one last, gasping breath.
In that same moment, their eyes met for the first time in years.
“Hello again, Light,” L said calmly. Light was looking at him, his eyes wide, unable to move or say anything. It reminded L of his last few seconds of consciousness between the moment his heart had stopped and the moment everything had gone black.
The moment he had known he was dying, and he couldn’t do anything to stop it.
L could see the same realization in Light’s eyes. He could see fear, denial - a struggle to force his body to move, his heart to beat, his life to continue.
But he couldn’t see anger. He couldn’t see resentment.
L couldn’t see Kira.
He gave Light a soft smile. “I’ve been watching you for a long time, waiting for this moment. Not so much your death, but the chance to speak to you again. The chance for the both of us to move on together.”
Light’s eyes widened slightly - questioning.
“I know you felt it too,” L explained quietly. “Even though I was gone, the game was never really over. It was always going to be about you and me. That’s why I couldn’t allow myself to disappear. Why I had to wait for you.”
L could see life begin to fade from Light’s eyes, and the fear inside them flashed even more intensely. So this is now, when faced with your own mortality, that you finally realize how human you truly are. In a way, I suppose I am glad that you remember.
“There’s a lot I wish to tell you, but time is running out. You and I have both had our own experience with loneliness while we were alive. This is our chance. What do you say, Light? Shall we explore nothingness together?” L asked, holding out his hand.
Light’s eyes closed.
A shaky, translucent hand reached out, fingers interlacing with L’s.
Everything went white.
