Chapter Text
Disclaimer: I don't own anything, and mean no disrespect to the characters or actors who portray them.
-Kirk-Spock-Spirk-Kirk-Spock-Spirk
“You need a psychiatrist,” Jim grit out while slamming his hand on the elevator emergency stop.
“What the hell are you doing?” Clarkson shrieked while bracing herself against the wall as the elevator came to an abrupt halt.
“You and I are finally going to have a talk. No ranks. No diagnoses. Just you and me actually talking like goddamn adults,” Jim declared making Clarkson scoff in disbelief.
“Talk? I was under the impression that you were just fine,” Clarkson retorted sarcastically causing Jim to roll his eyes snorting.
“Just because I don’t want to tell you about my issues doesn’t mean I don’t have any. Like I said no diagnoses here,” Jim replied crossing his arms.
“Like I could anyways. You had me fired,” Clarkson blamed with an ugly scowl.
“No, you got yourself kicked off the ship. What the fuck did you think was going to happen when you decided to go after me? That I was just going to sit back and take it? You’ve read my files,” Jim quickly corrected.
“I had a perfectly good reason—”
“Revenge is not a good reason,” Jim harshly snapped making Clarkson flinch back surprised. “You can’t go after me because of what happened to your brother.”
“Don’t! Just don’t! You don’t know what happened—”
“He died when his landing party was attacked. It was supposed to be a routine mission. Just collecting data, but the scanners didn’t pick up any life forms. They didn’t detect the indigenous species until it was too late,” Jim softly interrupted.
“So what? You read a file and think you know the whole story,” Clarkson muttered while turning away from empathetic blue eyes.
“Sound familiar?” Jim responds making Clarkson sigh looking more tired than Jim has ever seen her look before.
“I…just wanted to help. I wanted to help you. I wanted to save the crew from you. I just…” Clarkson trailed off with another heavy sigh.
“I’ve said it before, but maybe this time you’ll listen: I am fine. I don’t need your help. And as far as saving the crew goes who do you think you are? It’s stupid to compare captains, but it’s cruel to compare their tragedies,” Jim stated looking down with a mournful grimace.
“It’s his fault. He should have protected Joshua. Nothing happened to him. It’s unfair! I buried the mangled body of my only brother! My baby brother!” Clarkson exclaimed getting louder and more hysterical with each breath.
“And you think he doesn’t hate himself for it? You think this isn’t going to haunt him for the rest of his life? I know exactly what he’s going through. He wonders what he could have done differently. He wishes that it was him instead. Every second of every day he mourns the lost and regrets it down to his bones.” Jim murmurs clenching his fists catching Clarkson’s attention.
“James—”
“You do not have the monopoly on pain,” Jim rebukes making Clarkson fall silent. “Trying to destroy my career won’t bring him back. Nothing will.”
“…I know,” Clarkson whispered as tears clung to her long lashes clumping them together.
“Go home. Mourn for your brother. Maybe it’s time to see your son again. Whatever you do…don’t come back to this ship,” Jim ordered while redirecting his gaze at her.
“I don’t know how I can face him after…everything,” Clarkson confessed while covering her face with her hands.
“Facing him will be easy compared to making him believe that you’ll actually stay. When I got back from Tarsus I thought Winona would never have let me go again. It was like she was trying to cram thirteen years of love into just a few months, but it didn’t last. She got a mission she didn’t want to refuse, and then we were back to the familiar. No matter what happens, what he does, what he says, he wants you there more than anything,” Jim answers wearing a severe expression.
“Are you and your mother—”
“I didn’t bring her up so we can talk about my relationship with her. I wanted to let you know that your son, with time and genuine effort, will forgive you,” Jim cut in with a warning glare.
“But why?” She questioned with tear filled eyes that made Jim somewhat uncomfortable.
“Because he’ll want to,” Jim answered while leveling her with an empathetic gaze.
“I don’t know what to say,” Clarkson admitted making Jim smirk. His cocky façade falling back in place washing away the candid solemnity from their discussion.
“I have that effect on people,” Jim teased while pressing the button to restart the elevator.
“James, you don’t have to hide,” Clarkson announced before she could stop herself.
She held her breath expecting him to lash out like he had so many times before. Instead he chuckled humorlessly with a slight shake of his head. The doors whooshed open and Jim stepped out, but then turned to look at her for the last time. Clarkson observed him anxiously not knowing what Jim she would be facing. The cocky playboy or the wizened survivor. Instead, it was a new face. One she hasn’t seen since he was an eight year old. Lost child.
“We all have our ways to survive…” He mumbled before turning away to continue down the hall.
Clarkson watched him helplessly wondering how much damage she added to the already broken boy. She wanted to reverse time to fix it, but then trying to fix him was what got her into this situation in the first place. With each step Jim slipped further and further into his carefully crafted charade that only a few saw through. As the doors closed cutting off her view of Jim Clarkson felt a deep regret tear through her.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered far too late.
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“That gets rid of our psycho psychiatrist problem,” Bones muttered over dinner.
“I can’t believe that it was that easy,” Nyota quietly confessed as if speaking too loudly would jinx it.
“I wish I could have seen the look on her face,” Bones snickered making Nyota smile amused.
“Speaking of…how are you doing Spock?” Nyota questioned turning her attention to Spock who was silent throughout a majority of the conversation.
“Oh yeah, I almost forgot. There are only two more jumps, and then you’re back to your right age,” Bones expanded while also shifting his focus to Spock.
“My next progression I will be twenty-five Terran years,” Spock distractedly answered.
“You were my professor around that time,” Nyota mused catching Spock’s interest.
“I am a professor as well?” Spock inquired making Nyota blush flustered. “Did I say something out of turn?”
“No,” Nyota answered blushing darker. “It’s just…that’s where we met.”
“Hot for teacher?” Bones teased making Nyota scowl and elbow him in his side.
“We were…familiar?” Spock questioned wearing a serious expression. “That is against numerous regulations.”
“Yes it is,” Bones mumbled looking far too pleased at the situation at hand.
“Oh hush you!” Nyota scolded while pushing away her nearly empty plate. “We all know Kirk was the biggest troublemaker around!”
“Jim?” Spock inquired making Bones huff in disbelief.
“Jim has always been…eccentric, but back then he…oh shit…” Bones trailed off as his eyes widened in almost horror.
“What? What’s wrong?” Nyota asked concerned as Bones quickly rose to his feet.
“Jim as a twenty-three year old,” Bones cryptically answered just confusing Nyota further.
“I do not understand,” Spock stated while rising more gracefully to his feet. “What does that matter?”
“You and Jim weren’t always so close. In fact, you guys had the roughest start two people could have,” Bones clarified while grabbing his tray.
“What was the cause of our discourse?” Spock questioned while grabbing his tray to follow the doctor.
“What wasn’t would be a shorter list,” Nyota mumbled catching Spock’s attention.
“You guys always had a different way of going about things,” Bones explained with a heavy sigh. “If it wasn’t one thing it was always another.”
“What changed between us that made our partnership stronger?” Spock pried making Nyota purse her lips while Bones slammed his tray into the trash.
“Nero,” Nyota whispered making Spock’s already rigid posture tense further. He remembered that name from his research.
“I see,” Spock softly replied.
“Spock…”
Whatever Nyota was going to say fell silent to Spock when he felt a rush of guilty despair. Spock paused wondering where that sudden emotion came from. He was curious about his poor relationship with Jim; disappointed even, but not guilty because of it. Spock was not surprised that at one time Jim and he clashed because of differing opinions. So he was confused by the guilt he was feeling. When a sharp pang of anger slammed into him Spock realized that what he was feeling were not his own emotions. Jim.
“I must leave now,” Spock excused himself as he placed his tray down.
Before either of them could question him Spock rushed out of the cafeteria. He stopped just long enough to ask where James T. Kirk was located on the ship. The computer had trouble locating his young mate due to the changes caused by the age regression. Spock felt regret leak through the bond making Spock feel uneasy. His mate was hurting. Spock gently prodded against Jim’s mind hoping that he felt the warmth of their bond.
“Observation Deck 2C.”
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Jim stared blankly at the seemingly endless sea of stars. This observation deck was normally abandoned due to the floor to ceiling window that took up the entire far wall. As much as the crew loved being in space this room was too much for them. Bones wouldn’t even go anywhere near it. Jim, on the other hand, found peace among the dark expanse only illuminated by the millions of dazzling stars passed by.
“Jim.”
Jim chuckled to himself when he heard that familiar monotone, but felt the concern bleeding through their bond. Jim still clearly had trouble guarding what emotions he let slip through to Spock. He didn’t want to worry Spock with his hurricane of emotions thrashing through him. Guilt. Anger. Sorrow. Fear. Regret.
“Spock, I’m working on it,” Jim announced as he turned to face the older man.
Spock was standing ramrod straight by the door. He was dressed in black pants and a black thermal that fit him like a glove. All the dark clothing emphasized his pallor making him look almost translucent. Sharp lines of his broad shoulders down to his narrow hips made him look harsh. Jim saw through that though because he could see the barely there hint of concern pooled in Spock’s brown eyes.
“You do not need to ‘work on it’ Jim. The bond is meant to connect our minds,” Spock explained while slowly making his way over to Jim’s side. “I do not want you to hide from me.”
Jim flushed turning away recalling Clarkson’s words from their earlier conversation. It seemed like years ago, but only a few hours had passed between then and now. Jim felt the heat radiating from Spock as the older man stopped to stand behind him. He acted like an anchor for Jim to hold onto. To keep the fearless adventurer from wandering pass the point of no return.
“I don’t know how not to,” Jim confessed while keeping his eyes locked on the scenery on the other side of the glass.
It was not the first time Jim had ripped the ability to speak from Spock and it wouldn’t be the last. Spock remained silent not knowing how to answer or comfort his distressed mate. He spent most of his own life hiding. Burying his human half so deep that no one would ever be able to find it. So deep down Spock could barely find it himself. It was one of his deepest regrets now that it was his only connection to his mother. Spock tore his gaze away from Jim and focused on the expanse of stars.
“We can teach each other,” Spock finally stated taking Jim momentarily by surprise.
Jim looked over his shoulder to see Spock’s eyes glance down at him. Jim offered him a small smile making Spock’s gaze soften. Jim fully turned around so he was facing Spock, and hesitantly wrapped his arms around Spock’s neck. He was waiting for Spock to push him away, but it never happened. Spock’s hands landed on Jim’s waist holding the blonde like he was the most precious treasure to be held. It brought an unfamiliar lump to Jim’s throat.
“We can teach each other,” Jim quietly repeated while closing his eyes in disbelief. Spock was unreal. Jim didn’t deserve someone so…perfect.
“Taluhk nash-veh k'dular,” Spock murmured as he pressed his forehead against Jim’s.
With those foreign heartfelt words the lump in Jim’s throat disappeared. Jim took a shaky breath before melting in Spock’s strong arms. Spock held him under the dim light of the Enterprise and the bright glow of the stars. Days. Hours. Minutes. Spock would hold Jim however long his mate needed him to. Spock will teach Jim that there is no need to hide from him, and what Spock feels for the human is true.
“I want…” Jim trailed off flustered, but Spock silently waited for Jim to continue.
Jim didn’t speak again, but instead did what he did best and took action. With a careful but quick movement Jim pressed his lips against Spock’s. Jim felt like electricity was being sent down from his lips through his veins stimulating every part of him. Jim’s arms around Spock’s neck tightened deepening the kiss. Spock felt like his insides were set on fire making a slow burn rip through his body alighting every fragment of his being. Spock’s firm grip on Jim’s waist loosened only so that he could wrap his arms fully around his mate.
Chest to chest the two men clung to each other afraid that any space between them would tear them apart. Any moment they would need to pull away to breathe, but neither of them planned on wasting any second. Rarely did they have time without the others constantly watching them. There was always someone lurking around, but not this time. This moment was solely for them.
Jim’s hands slipped through Spock’s silky hair earning a low moan to rumble through the Vulcan’s chest. Spock broke away from the kiss with a breathless gasp trying to fill his lungs as quickly as possible. Jim stared at him with dilated eyes and swollen lips that screamed for more. Spock brushed Jim’s bottom lip with his thumb making their breath hitch once more. Spock hissed as Jim’s tantalizing pink tongue flicked out licking the tip.
“Jim,” Spock whispered huskily as he cupped his mate’s cheek. “Nahp, hif-bi tu throks.”
“Yes.” Jim answered closing his eyes as Spock positioned his fingers.
Their bond exploded as they fell into each other and together drifted off to a world of stars.
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It was hours later when they were discovered, but by the time an ensign fetched them they were no longer in the observation room but in the recreation room. Naturally they were playing three dimensional chess. Neither of them seemed to be trying too hard to win, but rather enjoyed a more playful game. The ensign relayed that Spock was needed in the labs while Scotty wanted Jim’s help with something down in engineering.
The men put away their game and followed the ensign out of the room. They had to go down opposite halls, but before they parted Jim stopped catching Spock’s attention. Tentatively Jim held up two fingers to Spock making the older man’s eyes light up just so. The ensign turned her gaze away confused by the gesture, but feeling like it was too intimate to watch. Spock gently pressed his own forefingers against Jim’s making the blonde grin.
With one last press the two men separated the bond between then vibrating.
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Translations:
Taluhk nash-veh k'dular- I cherish thee
Nahp, hif-bi tu throks- Your thoughts, give them to me