Chapter Text
The rest is a blur:
impersistent memories
now lost to the void
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Once Upon a December
i_dwell_in_darkness
Chapter 45: Epilogue
Notes:
I wrote these poems in response to a real-life event nearly a decade ago and hadn’t touched them since. Then one late summer morning I awoke with the final haiku having spontaneously materialized in my mind, and I scrambled to jot it down before it too was forgotten.
I next toyed with posting them to AO3 but quickly became distracted by tags and formatting. However, after participating in the Good Intentions WIP Fest later this fall, I discovered how cathartic it could be to lighten my drafts folder. So, I determined to publish this series on the anniversary of its inspiring night.
I originally wrote these when the memories were still fresh, but so much time has now passed that I don’t actually remember the night in question. These poems and a miscellaneous sketch remain my only records of what transpired.
2020 has been a year of reflection and soul searching for many of us, myself included. During the past several months I’ve been sorting through a lot of pent-up emotional baggage, and I’ve come to realize just how many of my past experiences I have simply swept under the rug and never really addressed. Over time the intensity fades; memories eventually fizzle out and blur. But they continue to haunt me.
On the night in question, I reunited with a couple middle school friends along with one of my favorite teachers. He was a pivotal figure in my life during my formative years, I and developed a crush on him that soon spiraled into a years long infatuation.
Meanwhile, he moved away from my hometown while I was in high school, which only fueled my obsession. Eventually, by the time I started college I had convinced myself that I had left him behind. But his visit on this December night of my freshman year rekindled the embers of my infatuation, and it took me several more years to actually move on.
That messy tangle of dedication, desperation, and desire has been a core part of my story for over half my life and continues to influence my favorite fictional tropes, such as pining, unrequited attraction, and forbidden love.
Likewise, I’m always infusing myself and my experiences into everything I create. Recently most of my creative works have been fannish in nature, but much of my earlier writing, especially my poetry, was autobiographical. It’s been therapeutic to return to my roots and allow myself to be vulnerable and authentic rather than constantly hiding behind fictional personas. Now instead of residing solely in the void of my mind these memories live on in the Archive—a safe haven for free expression. ❦
Series this work belongs to:
- ← Previous Work Part 9 of The Things I Meant to Say Next Work →
- ← Previous Work Part 2 of Lyrically Speaking Next Work →
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