Chapter Text
Issei had never been as grateful for his parents being out of town as he was right now. Because if they had been at home, they would have definetely confronted him about why he'd slammed the door behind him after coming home, only to run straight to his room and shut that door just as loudly as the one at the entry. They would have been angry at first and then when they would have seen the tears on his face and the panicked look in his eyes, they would have asked what was going on. And then Issei would have to explain, would have to tell them what had happened and he would have to see it all again, right in front of his inner eyes. He would have to see the horror unfolding with no way to stop it now that it had already happened.
But fortunately his parents weren't at home. Issei was alone and so he didn't have to worry about anyone waking up and talking go him about this night. He already had enough to worry about.
Issei slid down against his bedroom door, letting his head fall back against it with a quiet "thunk". He could taste salty tears on his lips and he closed his eyes to stop them from spilling.
"Fuck," he muttered to himself, disrupting the silence of his room.
He could still see his friends' expressions in front of him, as if they were still there. As if the kiss had only been a few seconds ago. Issei could still see Hanamaki's wide open eyes, the shock on his face and the way his entire body had tensed. He could still picture Iwaizumi's lightly parted lips, that weird expression on his face that Issei couldn't quite place and he could still hear his voice echoing in his head.
"I trust them both."
"He shouldn't have," Issei whispered, barely noticing that he was saying it out loud and not just thinking it.
But the worst part was that he could still feel Hanamaki's lips on his, could still feel his lips tingle and could still taste soda and creampuffs on his tongue. The worst part was that he could still remember how nice the kiss had been until realization had dawned upon him.
Issei bit his lip hard enough to taste a bit of blood. The tingling was still there, still present and Issei wanted nothing more than to feel it fade away so that he could forget about it all.
Maybe if he'd tell his friends that he had panicked because he had found a girlfriend in New Zealand, they would push what had happened aside and laugh about it. Maybe they would make a few jokes and then ignore it because it had been a stupid incident that didn't mean a lot to any of them.
That's stupid. No one will believe you.
In Issei's mind, Iwaizumi's face appeared again, that weird expression on his face that made Issei believe that he knew about everything Issei had been trying to hide so desperately.
He squinted, letting the images of his mind be replaced by a comforting and neutral darkness.
"This is all my fault," Issei muttered to himself, "I should've just said no when I had the chance. Or I should have pulled away after the second kiss. Or maybe I should have just not gone at all."
He had had so many chances to stop it, had had so many chances to say no and yet he had just let it happen, like the dumb idiot he was.
"Fuck," Issei muttered again.
His thoughts wandered off to what was going to happen on Monday and it made his stomach turn and his heart twist. He didn't want to think about that.
He didn't want to think about his friends telling him that he was awful and a terrible friend just to never talk to him ever again. And he didn't want to think about pitying gazes and fake smiles while everything suddenly became really awkward until they couldn't have a single normal conversation again. He didn't want to think about losing them.
Issei inhaled deeply and opened his eyes. He didn't want to think about it but at some point he would have to do so and he would have to face reality. Even if reality meant that his life was going to become really, really awful.
"I could transfer to Karasuno," he joked, his voice barely louder than a whisper, "I bet they don't care if you're in love with your three best friends. Those guys only have volleyball in their heads."
Issei snickered quietly even though it wasn't really funny.
He almost choked on his own laugh when he heard a loud "clonk" from outside. It sounded like someone was throwing stones against his wall. The noise repeated itself and Issei frowned.
"What the fuck?"
There was another "clonk" but louder this time and Issei closed his eyes again.
He didn't want to check whatever the hell was going on outside, he wanted to lock himself in his bedroom and pretend that life wasn't real until he would have to go back to school on Monday. He wanted to drown his heartache in something mind-numbing and distracting until love was nothing more than a word and his friends were nothing more than faces and names in the back of his mind.
Another "clonk".
Issei sighed in defeat and got on his feet. He hoped that it was just a very dumb bird and not some of the brats in the neighbourhood.
His legs were aching and Issei couldn't tell if it was actual pain from running or just his intense want to sit back down and ignore the real world. Issei slowly walked to his window, hoping that when he'd open it, there would be nothing and no one outside.
When he did open it, a stone flew past him, missing his face by only a few inches.
"Fuck!"
Issei could feel everything inside of him freeze when he heard that voice. His heart was the only thing moving, and it was beating at last a hundred times faster than usual. Issei felt like there was a string around his neck, tightening and refusing to let him breathe.
Not yet, was the only thing he could think in that moment, please give me two more days. I don't want to hear it now. I want to pretend for two more days.
"Are you okay?"
Issei slowly lowered his gaze, his heart pounding against his chest like it was trying to jump out of it. In front of his house were two of his best friends, staring up at him with stones in their hands and worried eyes.
Iwaizumi had been the one to swear and Issei guessed that he had thrown the stone at him too (not that it mattered). He was frowning in his weird agressively caring way and it made Issei's heart ache because he really didn't deserve that right now.
"Matsukawa? I didn't hit you, did I?" Iwaizumi frowned even harder.
Issei shook his head, finding himself unable to speak. He wanted them to leave but at the same time he felt like his heart would break into pieces if they would actually turn around and go.
"Can you let us in?" It was the first thing Hanamaki had said after they had repeatedly thrown stones at Issei's window and the words made Issei's knees go weak.
No, he wanted to say, Please don't make me do this.
But just like before, his body didn't listen to his thoughts and he nodded instead.
"Thanks," Hanamaki answered.
Issei could see a hesitant smile forming on his lips but he turned around before he could see it bloom.
~
"Why didn't you just ring the door bell?"
It had taken Issei all the way from his bedroom to the door to come up with something to say that wouldn't sound sad or pathetic or any of the other things he felt like in that very moment.
Iwaizumi and Hanamaki were standing in front of the door, Iwaizumi a few steps in front of Hanamaki, and both of them with the same, nervous expressions on their face that they'd had on the morning they had announced their relarionship.
"We didn't know if your parents were home," Hanamaki answered, "And we weren't sure if you'd answer."
Issei gulped and turned away to let his friends (if he was still allowed to call them that) enter. He didn't look at them when they did, didn't want to see the small smiles on their faces as if they weren't about to break his heart in two.
"Why did you come here?"
Issei closed the door behind Hanamaki and went in the direction of the kitchen, his friends following behind him.
"We need to talk," Hanamaki answered.
Issei could feel the string around his throat tighten again. He'd known that that was the reason, had known what exactly they needed to talk about, but those specific words made it feel so much more real and so much worse.
"It's not like you think," Iwaizumi said quickly and Issei knew that he saw him tense up.
Issei turned around to look at him. He buried his hands in the pockets of his jeans to stop them from playing with the fabric of his shirt and show how nervous all of this made him.
"Then what is it?"
It came out harsher than Issei had wanted to but there was so much going on inside of him that he couldn't control it.
He was terrified of their talk, of what they were going to tell him and he was mad at himself for letting it come this far. He wanted Iwaizumi and Hanamaki to leave him alone but he also wanted to hold on to them and never let them go.
"We kissed," Hanamaki said tonelessly, as if he didn't know whether it was a good or a bad thing.
"We did."
Issei leaned against the counter behind him, afraid that if he didn't have something to steady him, he'd just fall over.
"I'm not mad at you, you know?" Iwaizumi spoke firmly but there was a weird tone in his voice that was impossible for Issei to place. "I said it was okay, that I trust both of you."
"Yeah but we both know that you shouldn't," Issei answered.
Hanamaki didn't say anything but he was looking from Iwaizumi to Issei and back to the former as if he didn't know what they were talking about.
"I'm not mad about that either," Iwaizumi said, "Just surprised and -"
He didn't finish whatever he was going to say, leaving the sentence unfinished.
"Can you two stop speaking in riddles?" Hanamaki crossed his arms in front of his chest. "We kissed and then you left. Why?"
Issei gripped the edge of the counter so tightly, he could see his knuckles turning white. He opened his mouth and closed it again. He wanted to say the truth, wanted to finally let go of what he'd been holding on to, but somehow he couldn't.
The string around his neck was tighter than ever and he felt like his heart was being pulled in four different directions, slowly tearing apart.
"It's okay." Iwaizumi nodded reassuringly. "Trust me."
Once again, Issei wanted to cry because of that stupid word coming out of Iwaizumi's mouth. He didn't know how much the other thought he knew but somehow it seemed like it wasn't nearly as much as Issei was truly hiding.
"I-"
Hanamaki raised his eyebrows, waiting for what was coming.
"I left because I'm in love with you and I thought you knew."
Issei closed his eyes. He felt dizzy and shaky and weak, like he was going to fall onto the floor as soon as he let go of the counter.
"Oh."
The sound was so soft and quiet that Issei almost missed it. He opened his eyes to look at Hanamaki.
The other's eyes had widened and his mouth was open like he wanted to say something but somehow couldn't. Issei couldn't tell if that was good or bad.
Everything inside of him was telling him to run again, to avoid knowing what "oh" meant and escape the truth as long as he could.
But then again, there was a part inside of him that remembered that Iwaizumi had told him that it was okay. And while that could just mean that they were going to stay friends no matter what, there was also a slight chance that maybe, somehow, Issei wasn't alone with his feelings.
"You left because you thought I knew?" Hanamaki repeated tonelessly.
"Both of you," Iseei corrected, "I was scared that you'd hate me."
"I don't." Issei turned his head to look at Iwaizumi. "I wouldn't hate you for that. I'd be fine if you would want to try out dating. There are relationships where one person dates two people but they don't date each other, so you wouldn't have to be in love with me too."
But I am, Issei wanted to scream, You idiot, I'm in love with both of you.
"I don't think that it's impossible," Iwaizumi continued, "You're in love with him and I'm in love with him and I-"
Once again, he didn't finish what he was going to say and just kept quiet instead. It was unusual since Iwaizumi was never one to be unsure with his words or start something that he wasn't going to finish.
It made Issei feel uneasy. He didn't know what exactly that meant for him or them. If Iwaizumi was just saying all of this to please him or if he actually meant it but didn't know how all of this was going to work. Issei wanted to ask but the words were stuck in his throat.
"I'm in love with you too," Hanamaki burst out, then, "Both of you."
Issei could feel the string loosen around his throat and fall to the ground. His heart fluttered and he couldn't help but gape at the boy in front of him.
He loves me. He loves me. He loves me.
The words kept repeating in Issei's head and it felt like the world was evolving around those three words, like they were the only thing that had ever mattered.
Hanamaki smiled at him and Issei wanted nothing more than to kiss him and hear those words over and over again until they were imprinted in his mind.
"If you two start dating, then we should definetely come clean about a few things."
Issei felt Iwaizumi's voice pull him back to reality, the one where one person loved him back but two others didn't and that mattered just as much as the three words in his head.
"Because I don't think it'd be fair if I left you in the dark about it." Iwaizumi looked at him with an intensity that made Issei's heart skip a beat in his chest. "I hope this doesn't change your mind about any of this but I don't only like Hanamaki."
"You said you loved me," Hanamaki chimed in but closed his mouth as soon as Iwaizumi send a pleading glance his way.
"I don't only love Hanamaki," Iwaizumi corrected himself, "I love you too, you know?"
Issei felt like he was going to faint. His heart was bursting in the best way possible and he felt lighter than he had ever felt before.
"I love both of you too," Issei managed to get out. His voice sounded weird and shaky and he could feel the smile forming on his lips.
"What?"
Iwaizumi sounded and looked just as dumbfounded as Hanamaki only a few minutes before.
He was staring at Issei with wide eyes while Hanamaki was smiling wider than Issei had ever seen. He could feel his heart squeeze in his chest but this time, it felt good.
"I said I love you too," Issei said again, "For three years now."
"Oh."
Issei felt the relief wash over him and suddenly he finally felt free to say what had been on the tip of his tongue for years.
"I love you and Makki and Oikawa. All three of you."
It felt so, so good to finally get it off his chest. To finally say it out loud, to tell someone. And it felt even better to know that two of the people he loved, loved him back.
"I love all three of you too," Hanamaki announced, grinning at Issei in a way that made his heart soar.
"Me too." Iwaizumi was smiling as well, in the same fond way that Issei always caught him looking at Oikawa and Hanamaki. Seeing that smile directed at him made Issei feel warm inside.
"Can I kiss you?" he blurted out.
He didn't know where that came from, neither the words nor his sudden bravery, but he wasn't going to take it back now.
"If that means you'll go out with us tomorrow," Iwaizumi answered surprisingly fast.
"And if you'll be our boyfriend," Hanamaki added.
"Definetely." Issei couldn't remember the last time he'd been so sure of something.
Iwaizumi grinned and then they kissed.
He tasted like cola and salted caramel and that, Issei thought, was just as nice as soda and creampuffs.