Chapter Text
He’s 22 years old when he finds Dazai again.
Rather, Dazai lets himself be found.
“Did Chibi really think I’d come back for him?” Dazai smirks, smug despite being chained to a wall.
Chuuya huffs out a laugh. “You might think you’re on the good side now, Mackerel, but you’re still just as cruel as you were in the mafia days. You haven’t changed a bit.”
That gets a flinch out of Dazai. “And Slug still yaps like a stray dog.”
“So, why’d you do it, Dazai?” Chuuya asks, ignoring Dazai’s quip. “I’m on the edge of my seat waiting for an answer.”
“Because Mori lied,” Dazai says.
“No,” Chuuya says, voice dropping. “Why did you come back?”
Dazai lifts his eyebrows ever so slightly. “I didn’t come back. Your men captured me.”
Chuuya can’t help it- he laughs. Dazai smiles like they’re sharing a private joke.
“Yeah, right,” he says. “We don’t see a trace of you for four years, and you expect me to believe Akutagawa brought you in?”
“Not much faith in him, hm?”
“You can fool him,” Chuuya says simply. “But you can’t fool me.”
Dazai’s sharp smirk is back. “I’m here for information, of course. Why is the mafia so bent on the weretiger?”
“You came back on someone else’s behalf?” Chuuya stares. “I don’t believe you for a second. That can’t have been the only reason.”
“People change,” Dazai says.
“Monsters don’t,” Chuuya replies, relishing in how Dazai’s eyes narrow and his jaw flexes.
“I’m not a monster,” Dazai says petulantly.
“Just a demon?” Chuuya rolls his eyes. “Come on, now. I’ve seen you at your worst. Don’t try to fucking lie to me.”
“I know Chibi just wishes I came back for him -”
“And there’s the cruel monster I know you’ll always be,” Chuuya cuts in, clenching his fists.
Dazai smiles coldly.
“What do you want, Dazai?” Chuuya asks again, voice soft.
Dazai exhales through his nose. “I want information,” he says. “And you are going to give it to me.”
“And why would I do that?” Chuuya snarls.
“Because you care more about me than Mori,” Dazai says innocently, smiling. “Don’t tell me it isn’t tempting.”
“I’m an Executive.”
“I’m your soulmate, Chuuya,” Dazai says, and it hurts just as much as it always does when Dazai directly acknowledges it, if not even more now. “You love me. You love me enough to let me go and tell me where I can find what I’m looking for.”
“You think being my soulmate means I love you?” Chuuya snaps. “That’s a two-way street, Dazai. You don’t love me, but I’m your soulmate.”
“Chibi’s more human than me,” Dazai says simply.
And Chuuya is hit by a memory of being 17 years old, drunk in his apartment, so messed up he barely remembers it- just remembers screaming at Dazai about Arahabaki, screaming at Dazai about soulmates, screaming at Dazai about the Sheep and traitors and home.
He remembers Dazai telling him that Arahabaki isn’t him, and he’s more human than Dazai ever could be, so full of life-
And then he passed out, and Dazai never brought it up.
Chuuya flinches. “You…”
“Wasn’t Chibi the one who called me a monster?” Dazai smiles humorlessly.
Chuuya leans back and sighs. “Just leave.”
“You’re not going to free me?”
“Like you haven’t already picked the locks?” Chuuya snorts. “I already told you, Dazai. I know you.”
“Better than anyone else alive, I’m sure,” Dazai replies. His wrists slip from the handcuffs. “Pleasure seeing you again, Chuuya.”
“Get out of here, Dazai,” Chuuya answers, turning his back and for once, he’s the one walking away.
Of course Dazai leaves him after Lovecraft.
Which is why Dazai staying with him after the dragon is so surprising, but it’s not like he has the energy to argue.
He supposes it makes sense that Dazai would be the only thing he could think of while under Corruption. He doesn’t want to give himself hope, but it’s hard when Dazai’s hand is going through his hair.
He thinks Dazai’s lap is an okay place to pass out.
“You stayed,” Chuuya says when he wakes up. The last thing he expected to see when he woke up was Dazai’s face in the sunrise.
“Yes,” Dazai says simply. “I’m still leaving, though.”
“Wouldn’t expect anything more from you,” Chuuya mutters. He leans against the boulder, closes his eyes, and listens to Dazai’s footsteps as they fade.
“What are you doing here?”
“I wanted to visit Chuuya,” Dazai says, slipping past him in the doorframe and settling on the sofa. “What else?”
“Don’t do this,” Chuuya says. He looks at Dazai meaningfully. “This is cruel, Dazai. Even for you.”
“I’m not being cruel.”
“In what universe is you visiting your soulmate- after you’ve made it very clear you despise me- after abandoning me, after betraying me, after I’ve finally gotten to the point where I can accept that you’ll never love me- in what universe is that not cruel?”
Dazai blinks at him and has the gall to look innocent. “That’s not what I’m doing.”
“This isn’t a visit?” Chuuya scoffs. “You literally just said you’re visiting.”
“That’s not what I meant,” Dazai says, and he breaks eye contact instead of elaborating.
“Please just leave,” Chuuya says quietly. “Please, Dazai. I can’t do this.”
Dazai looks like he’s actually considering it for a moment, but then he’s leaning back on the sofa and closing his eyes. “Chuuya doesn’t want to chat with me?”
“If you want to chat, we talk about what I want to talk about,” Chuuya says firmly. “And you don’t want to talk about what I want to talk about, so you have to leave.”
“Who says I don’t want to talk about the same things Chibi does?”
For a moment, they stare at each other. Then, Chuuya says, “Fine, then. Why didn’t you tell me when you knew?”
“Ah,” Dazai says, smiling humorlessly. Instead of answering, he replies, “I’m not immune to the universe, you know. It’s not like soulmarks are an Ability. I’m still human, even if just barely.”
Chuuya makes a face. “Okay? What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
Dazai grinds his teeth so loudly it makes Chuuya cringe. “Chibi. It means I was just as affected by the marks as you were. I’ve just always been better at hiding it.”
Chuuya blinks.
Something in him snaps. “You what?” He hisses, clenching his fists because he really wants to smash Dazai’s face in but he can’t, he could never hurt Dazai, even if Dazai hurts him at every opportunity including now-
Dazai leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees and letting his head drop. “Of course I loved you, Chuuya. People adore you. I’m not an exception, even if I wanted to be.”
And this- this is more painful than Chuuya ever imagined it could be. He thought it couldn’t get worse than Dazai never loving him the way he loved Dazai. He thought he was over the worst of it, that Dazai’s cruelty was done four years ago, but here he is, constantly taken off guard by the asshole on his couch.
“You loved me?”
“Always have,” Dazai murmurs softly. “Always will.”
“Get up.”
“Wh-”
“Get the fuck off my couch!” Chuuya shouts, and Dazai practically scrambles up, staggering a little from standing up so quickly. “Fuck you. Fuck you! You can’t just say that!”
“I’m trying to be honest-”
“It’s a few years too fucking late, Dazai!” Chuuya can feel angry tears pricking the corners of his eyes. “God, you- you really are just fucking cruel!”
“I was scared,” Dazai says helplessly. “I was afraid of what loving you meant.”
“Did it never occur to you that I was scared, too?” Chuuya shoves him. “Did you not think that maybe I didn’t know what loving you would mean?”
“Of course I thought about that,” Dazai mutters. “Chuuya is too brash, too bold. You would have given me a chance.”
“Is that a bad thing?” Chuuya asks desperately. “Is it a bad thing to want to try and build something permanent with my fucking soulmate?”
“It’s a bad thing to want that with me.”
“Stop making my decisions for me! You never even gave me the chance!”
“You make bad choices!” Dazai says, exasperated.
“Loving you isn’t a fucking choice!” Chuuya yells, and he feels the wind leave his lungs. After a moment, he adds quietly, “It never was.”
Now a tear slips down his cheek.
Dazai looks like he’s not sure how to respond to that, so Chuuya continues. “It was never a fucking choice and you knew that. You took advantage of it- don’t even try to deny that- you used me at every opportunity, you exploited the fact that- fuck- even after four fucking years, I still love you.”
His voice breaks on “love.” Dazai looks pained. Chuuya takes pleasure in his discomfort.
“I’m trying, Chuuya.”
“I don’t care,” Chuuya says, his voice wavering. “God- fuck you, Dazai! I tried! For years! And you ignored me and mocked me! So I don’t care if you’re trying now- go fuck yourself.”
Dazai has the decency to look a bit ashamed. “I’m sorry, Chuuya.”
“That doesn’t- Fuck!” Chuuya resists the urge to punch a hole in his wall, but he really needs to let off some steam. “It’s too late to say sorry! It doesn’t mean anything anymore!”
“I won’t ask for anything from you, Chuuya,” Dazai says, looking down. “I’m just letting you know.”
Chuuya laughs hoarsely. “Just letting me know,” he repeats, and he feels like he’s going to scream or trigger Corruption out of sheer rage or both. “You’re worse than Mori, you know that?”
Dazai scowls. “And Chibi calls me cruel.”
“You deserve to be called cruel.”
“I know you deserve a better soulmate than me,” Dazai bursts suddenly, rushing out the words like he doesn’t want to think about what he’s saying and stop himself. “I- you deserve a lot better of a soulmate than me, actually. And I know I can’t undo anything I’ve done.”
Chuuya’s chest is still heaving and he still feels like he’s barely holding back a sobbing fit. “Good for you,” Chuuya snarls. “Way to state the fucking obvious.”
Dazai doesn’t let Chuuya’s words deter him. “It doesn’t change that I love you, you know. If you don’t love me anymore, I mean. I… I can wait on you. Or I can just live without you. I mean- I don’t- I don’t really want to… without you, I mean, but…” He trails off, suddenly uncertain.
“What sparked this sudden change in attitude, Dazai?” Chuuya can’t help but be suspicious.
“Had a moment of clarity,” Dazai says. “I… can’t live up to what Odasaku wanted me to be if I keep hurting you.”
Chuuya scoffs. “Fucking unbelievable. Of course. Of course you don’t care because of me- you care because of fucking Sakunosuke?”
“That’s not what I meant-”
“But it’s what you said!”
“No, it’s not!” Dazai steps towards Chuuya and after a moment of hesitation, he grasps Chuuya’s wrists in his hands. “It’s not what I said. I meant it when I said I’ll wait on you. I don’t- I know I don’t have the right to ask for more from you.”
“Yeah, you really fucking don’t.”
“That doesn’t mean I don’t still want you anyway,” Dazai continues, wincing at Chuuya’s words.
Chuuya doesn’t shake his arms from Dazai’s hold. He doesn’t shove him away, he doesn’t tell him to leave, he doesn’t tell him to fuck off and never talk to him again. Dazai takes that as an indicator to keep going.
He steps forward again so he’s only a couple inches from Chuuya. He lets his head fall forward onto Chuuya’s shoulder. He turns his head, and Chuuya can feel his breath against his neck.
“I am always going to love you,” Dazai murmurs. “That’s not new. The only difference is that I’m not going to hide it anymore.”
“How can I trust you?” Chuuya asks, voice close to breaking. “How can I possibly trust anything you say?”
“You can’t,” Dazai says simply. “I’ve lied to you too much before. I don’t deserve your trust, or your love, or your forgiveness, but I came to tell you I want it anyway.”
Chuuya pulls his hands from Dazai’s grasp and Dazai seems to jerk back, maybe thinking Chuuya wants him to stop, but then Chuuya’s hands are in Dazai’s hair and his nose is buried in Dazai’s neck.
“I shouldn’t trust you,” Chuuya mutters. “If I knew what was good for me and I cared enough, I wouldn’t trust you at all.”
“Chibi’s always put too much faith in me,” Dazai says, and Chuuya can hear the lilt in his voice hinting at a smile.
“Maybe this time I won’t regret it.”
“You won’t,” Dazai promises. “I don’t lie in these kinds of negotiations, remember?”
Chuuya scoffs. “Don’t call your shitty confession a negotiation.”
“Thank you, Chuuya,” Dazai whispers. “I know I don’t deserve this.”
“Well, you did say I make bad decisions,” Chuuya sighs. “We’ll see how this one turns out, yeah?”
Dazai laughs, short and sudden, and hugs Chuuya tighter. “Yeah. Let’s see.”
It’s never been easy when it comes to the two of them. But- Chuuya glances at the back of his bare hand, at the double black lines marking him as Dazai’s soulmate, and he thinks maybe- maybe it’s worth it to try.