Chapter Text
“Uhhh, Daddy?”
“Hnhuh?? Oh, hey Truce, how’s it going?”
“Um, I’m good, but… why are you snuggling with Charley?”
Sure enough, he’d found himself sprawled out on the floor with his potted plant lovingly wrapped in his arms.
“Hm. I must have mistook him for Miles.” He set Charley upright and gave his pot a reassuring pat. “Sorry about that, buddy. I’ll get you some tasty fertilizer as a treat.”
“Uhhh, Nick? Are you still, uh…” Maya cupped her mouth to hide her lips from Trucy. “H-I-G-H?”
“... Auntie Maya, I can spell, ya know.”
“And no, he’s not,” Apollo interjected. “He’s just like this.”
“...Wow.” Ema smirked. “You guys got fucked all the way up.”
“...Phoenix?” Miles called out. “Why have I sequestered myself under the desk in this pillow fort?” Miles asked. At some point last night, he’d retrieved every last soft, vaguely square shaped object— be it a pillow or a couch cushion— and holed himself up beneath Phoenix’s desk.
“I believe it may be a result of my actions,” Franziska admitted. “I… may have gotten a bit liberal with my whip last night, and you may have felt the need to hide yourself from me. My apologies, Miles Edgeworth.”
“Oh? And where is my apology, Fraulein?” Klavier pouted. “I believe I found myself at the business end of your whip more than anyone in this room!”
“Well, you deserved it, butterfly murderer!” she hissed, brandishing her whip at him once more.
“Uh, sorry to change the subject, but…” Apollo began. “What’s with the funyun around my finger?”
“Ach, now that you say it, it seems I’m sporting one as well. We must have forgotten to eat them and stuck it on our fingers to save it for later, ja?”
“Ha ha , I knew it!” Phoenix cheered. “Pay up, Maya!”
“Aww, c’mon guys! How could you forget your wedding night of all nights?!”
[ Record scratch noises ]
“...Eh?”
“...I agree, Herr Forehead.”
“Well, y’see kiddos…” Phoenix began with a shit-eating grin. “... You got married last night.”
After exchanging wide-eyed glances, Apollo and Klavier had this to say in perfect unison: “.................. WHAT???? ”
“Oh WOW! Congrats on the new hubby, Polly!” Trucy bubbled. “But I’m mad at you for not inviting me!”
“You’re actually mad at me for not inviting you to my fake wedding?”
“Oh, it was nothing short of a legitimate wedding— have I never told you that I’m ordained?” Edgeworth explained. “I took the liberty of drawing up your marriage certificate immediately after you exchanged your engagement funyuns.”
“... You can’t be serious. Who let this happen?”
“Ach, would being married to me be all that bad, Herr Forehead?” Klavier smirked. “Or, perhaps... I should call you Herr Gavinhead now?”
“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I think I’ll stick with Herr Forehead.”
“Well, I gotta get going, but congrats on your glimmerous fop of a husband and stuff— here, have a celebratory Snackoo.” Ema chucked a Snackoo square at Apollo’s forehead. It bounced off of the ample surface with a quiet plunk and landed amidst the barrage of doritos scattered around the floor.
“Thanks a lot, but Snackoos weren’t on the registry.”
“Fraulein Detective, what exactly gives you the right to assault my husband and insult me on my honeymoon?”
“Well, think of it this way— this wedding wouldn’t have happened if it weren’t for me. You’re welcome for getting you so baked that you got freaking married .”
“... Honestly, I can’t tell if this is a joke anymore. I am begging someone to pinch me. I mean, how could I forget my own wedding?”
“Drugs.”
And just like that, she was gone.
“I know it’s hard to believe, but it really happened,” Phoenix said with a reassuring hand smile. “I know it’s probably not the way you wanted it to be, but you two obviously love each other a lot. We’re all very happy for you.”
“And we’d be more than happy to help you plan a proper ceremony to celebrate your union,” Edgeworth added. I have some connections overseas if you’d be interested in a destination wedding— er, second wedding?”
Apollo turned to Klavier, his eyes welling with joyful tears. “We… actually did this? You’re my husband?”
Klavier met his bleary eyes with a warm smile. “Ja, it’s real, Herr Forehead.”
They gazed into each other’s glistening eyes for a moment, thinking of the lifetime of happiness that awaited them— together . They shared the first kiss they would remember as husbands— and another, and another, and another until they lost count. Everything around them fell away as they wrapped their arms around each other and lost themselves in a galaxy of effervescent kisses, both of them marveling at the feeling of holding the world in their arms.
“Awwwww, you guys are so cute!” Trucy cooed. “I can’t wait to have my gay wedding someday!”
“Yayyy, Operation Big Gay Surprise Wedding was a total success success!” Maya hollered gleefully. “And don’t worry— Charley got the whole thing on tape if you wanna see the ceremony for yourselves!”
“...Now I know you’re messing with us.”
“She most certainly is not, Herr Forehead— I propped my cell phone with video functionality up in the dirt and recorded the entire affair,” Franziska boasted. “You are now liable for cleaning out the gunk from between the buttons on my keyboard.”
“A reasonable fee for Herr Charley’s services, ja, Herr Justice-Gavin?”
Apollo blinked incredulously at him, then shot him a smile brighter than the sun itself. “... I guess that’s my name now, huh?”
Klavier met his smile with a dazzling grin of his own. “Mine as well, ja?”
“I’m… actually so happy. I love you a lot, Klavier. This definitely isn’t the wedding I pictured... and I’m a little miffed that I don’t remember it… but it doesn’t really matter since I get to spend the rest of my life with you.”
Touched by Apollo’s heartfelt words as he was, it was Klavier’s turn to get a bit tearful. “I feel the same, Herr For— Apollo . Mein lieber Ehemann. Ich liebe dich— very, very much.”
“I’m officially sober enough to know that means ‘I love you,’” Apollo quipped with a toothy smile. “And I love you too, Klavier. ”
They all decided that there was no better way to celebrate than to watch their wedding video together— that, and they figured it was important for the grooms to recall their wedding that they’d missed out on entirely. They had set up an aisle with the cushions that would become Miles’ pillow fortress. Miles was weeping tears of joy the entire time, and delivered the whole wedding spiel through gleeful sobs. Franziska served as Klavier’s best man, even in spite of the fervent lashing she’d given him less than half an hour before. Maya made for a marvelous flower girl, though she’d elected to use doritos in lieu of flower petals; that explained the holy mess all over the carpet. Last but certainly not least, Phoenix gave Apollo away with all the joy of a proud father, and he shed a tear or two of his own as he did. It wasn’t the wedding they expected, but it was beautiful even so— and yes, Charley is an excellent wedding videographer.
The moral of the story, kids? Be gay, do drugs.