Chapter Text
AvengeChat
Spidey: on today’s episode of what the hell is going on
Spidey: Ned dropped his pancakes and just started crying
Thorgi: I mourn your loss, Man of Spiders’ Spouse.
Spidey: don’t give him sympathy
Thorgi: But he is crying. Does he not deserve sympathy?
Spidey: no
Spidey: he dropped my pancakes too
TooManyChildren: he must die
Mr. Barnes-Rogers: Clint, no.
TooManyChildren: let me live
JamEZ: let him live
Natty: live your life Clint
DadMan: Peter, take care of your husband.
Spidey: no
Spidey: he dropped my pancakes
JamEZ: get more pancakes then, shit
JamEZ: don’t blame my child for your failures
DadMan: Hey, now
Spidey: my failures?
Spidey: you one armed bitch
JamEZ: fight me
Mr. Barnes-Rogers: oh no stop
DadMan: How tired of this are you?
Mr. Barnes-Rogers: so tired
Mr. Barnes-Rogers: Bucky tries to fight everyone he sees
JamEZ: not everyone
Cap 2.0: who are you lying to?
Cap 2.0: you fight me every time you see me
Spidey: well you simply deserve to be fought
JamEZ: ^
JamEZ: the spider-kid would at least be a challenge
Spidey: damn straight i’d be a challenge
TooManyChildren: Bucky, fight me
Natty: he would destroy you, Clint
TooManyChildren: bet
Momda: 
Momda: wait when did my name change
Spidey: ~momda~
DadMan: cute kid
DadMan: I mean, mine are cuter but yours are okay.
Momda: you’re lucky i like Pepper
Pepper: Isn’t everyone, really.
Natty: @Clint's Better Half does Clint’s health insurance cover him if Bucky destroys him
Big Green and Angry: The better question is - does Clint have health insurance?
Clint's Better Half: Yes.
Spidey: to which
TooManyChildren: i can’t leave my kids without a dad 😔
Zoom Zoom Zoom: MY SPEEDY CHILD
Spidey: hey there, Pietro
Zoom Zoom Zoom: hey, Peter!
Zoom Zoom Zoom: how are my kids @Momda
Vision: Does anyone remember when Pietro hated the idea of nephews?
Spidey: does anyone remember the breakdown Pietro had at the thought of being an uncle
Zoom Zoom Zoom: who could honestly forget
Spidey: not me that’s for sure
Spidey: you literally showed up at my apartment crying
Zoom Zoom Zoom: i have no excuse
Zoom Zoom Zoom: it still is a terrifying time
DadMan: I thought it would be easier to have two kids after having one.
DadMan: But I missed all of the important childhood years with Peter so I’m genuinely at a loss with Morgan.
Spidey: Magoo is simply too good for you
Pepper: You can say that again.
DadMan: Pepper .
Spidey: the betrayal
Spidey: run that burn under some cold water
Natty: that comeback is from the 2000s
Natty: aren’t you like a baby
Spidey: i am a grown man
DadMan: He’s still a baby.
Cap 2.0: kid, you have a nightlight
Spidey: excuse me for not having night vision
Momda: @Zoom Zoom Zoom Tommy, while trying to avoid a bug, set the living room on fire by running in circles
Momda: and then stole his brother’s cereal
Vision: Billy, in revenge and because he refused to take a nap, sent Tommy all the way to the desert.
Spidey: the petty
Spidey: that gives me major Harry vibes
TooManyChildren: omg he would
Spidey: we’re lucky he has no powers
Spidey: okay but in all seriousness
Spidey: Wanda that sounds like a crazy morning
Vision: That is, to be honest, a completely normal morning.
Momda: it really does happen at least once or twice a week
Zoom Zoom Zoom: he set the living room on fire?
Zoom Zoom Zoom: a boy after my own heart
Magic Man: Wanda, did you have a chat with William about why he can’t send his brother to other lands?
Momda: at least it’s not another dimension this time
Zoom Zoom Zoom: yeah Strange chill out
Spidey: yeah Strange
Scotty: yeah Strange
Spidey: omg Scott
Scotty: i’m so sorry about your pancakes, Peter
Scotty: would you like me to bring you more pancakes
Spidey: Scott i would divorce Ned and marry you if you brought me more pancakes
Thorgi: Ned would be very sad.
Spidey: my pancakes are dead Thor
Spidey: this slight can’t just be ignored
JamEZ: stop slandering Ned’s good name
Spidey: stop defending him when he murdered my pancakes
JamEZ: he can murder whoever he wants
Mr. Barnes-Rogers: NO HE CAN’T.
JamEZ: trust me, if he actually murdered anyone it wouldn’t be traced
DadMan: I think Steve is going to cry.
Mr. Barnes-Rogers: Stop encouraging murder, James!
JamEZ: LET ME LIVE MY LIFE, STEVEN
Polka Dotted Underpants
Ned: Peter won’t talk to me
MJ: that bitch
MJ: Peter why won’t you talk to Ned
Harry: this doesn’t seem like healthy marriage communication
Kate: lmao imagine
Kate: you
Kate: lecturing about healthy communication
Gwen: lmao
Harley: he’s not that bad
MJ: you’re too horny to say otherwise
Peter: MJ DISGUSTING
MJ: that did it
Ned: Peter
Ned: my husband
Ned: my tax credit
Ned: my favorite cuddle buddy
Ned: the peanut butter to my apple slices
Harry: what
Ned: the s’mores poptarts to my toaster
Harry: no really
Ned: the spider to my web
Harry: what the actual fuck
Ned: the syrup to my pancakes
Peter: YOU DROPPED MY PANCAKES
Ned: AND I APOLOGIZED WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME
Peter: MORE PANCAKES
Kate: jfc
Harley: remember when i lived with him
Harley: it was a disaster all the time
MJ: Ned, i’m so sorry you’re being treated this way
Harry: i’m not he deserves it
Peter: Harry’s got my back
MJ: you really shouldn’t be basing your life choices off of how Harry Osborn handles things that happen to him
Harry: excuse you
Harry: everyone absolutely should
Gwen: i distinctly remember you firing an intern because she ate your lunch
Harley: oh that girl
Harry: listen
Ned: that seems unethical
Kate: sounds like she deserved it
Peter: KATE GETS IT
MJ: once again
MJ: are these two really who you should be basing your life on
Kate: what are you trying to say, ginger
MJ: you and Harry are the same person
MJ: you’re just him as a female and without his plethora of mental health issues
Kate: and what’s your point
Harry: i didn’t fire her because she ate my lunch
Harry: that was just the last straw in a long line of fucked up paperwork, gossiping, and other things
Harley: like eating your lunch
Harry: i mean you’re not wrong
Harry: i’m a petty bitch
Peter: Ned
Ned: Peter 😭
Peter: Scott’s bringing us replacement pancakes
Ned: i love Scott
MJ: Peter, i think you own Ned an apology
Peter: no 😡
Gwen: Peter.
Peter: Ned, i’m sorry 😭
Ned: Peter, i’m sorry 😭
Gwen: harry
Harry: Ned, i’m not sorry
Gwen: Harry
Harry: you don’t scare me
Gwen: i’ll quit
Harry: fucking do it then
Secretttt
Peter: i swear to all that is holy, Keener
MJ: if you don’t do it i’ll do it for you
Harley: you will do nothing
Peter: FUCKING DO IT
MJ: DO IT ALREADY
Harley: YOU TELLING ME TO DO IT IS MAKING ME NOT WANT TO DO IT
Peter: you’re so fucking petty
Peter: you’ve been with Harry too long
MJ: STOP WASTING TIME AND DO IT
Harley: i hate both of you
Harley: it has to be perfect
