Chapter Text
Langa made a confused face, “What? Reki you know I didn’t actually mean it,”
“Then why’d you say it?” Reki knew he was getting angry, he knew he should put a stop to this before he did something he’d regret.
“Because—”
“No, it’s okay, sorry. That was out of nowhere,” Reki huffed a laugh, feeling the guilt starting to pile up, “you don’t have to answer that. Let’s go home,”
Langa tugged at Reki’s shirt, pulling him back, “Is that what this is about? It wasn’t that deep,”
Bad, bad choice of words, because now Reki looked unbelievably pissed .
“It wasn’t that deep?” Reki processed the words, anger bubbling up in his chest, “ it wasn’t that deep? Dont fuck with me,”
Langa’s brow furrowed, he frowned, “Hey—”
“Can you just shut up .” Reki put his hands in his hair, wanting to tug at the strands.
“Reki—” Langa stepped closer to Reki, watching Reki’s frantic eyes look him all over, taking a step back himself to keep a distance.
“No.”
“ Reki ,” Langa tried again, looking at Reki with soft eyes as he closed the distance, cupping the teen’s face, “let’s talk.”
“No, Langa. Please just be quiet. I don’t wanna do this. I don’t want to have a stupid conversation. We’re gonna leave and act like nothing happened because nothing is happening ,” Reki wheezed out the last part, trying to convince himself, “and we’ll do dope tricks tomorrow like always.”
Reki snatched Langa’s hands off his face, turning around quickly towards the small store’s exit. Big mistake, a wave of dizziness hit him like a truck, making him stumble back and trip over his feet. Langa exclaimed, catching Reki from the back and trying to get him on his feet, frowning when Reki was too wobbly on his feet for Langa to be okay leaving him without support. So he forced Reki to sit on the floor, pushing him down by the shoulders and being careful to not bump his head on the wall.
“You should stay like that for a bit,” Langa sighed, sliding down the wall and sitting next to Reki, who had his head in his hands and his legs crossed and folded up to his chest.
“How—” Reki had so many things he wanted to ask. “Why—” A frustrated noise left his throat, tugging at his hair.
He had so many things he wanted to say . He was sick and tired of bottling everything up for months, he was tired of the constant weight on his shoulders and the knot in his throat. He wanted to cry. He really wanted to cry. But he couldn’t, he never could, no matter how shitty he felt the tears would never fall and he’d end up feeling clogged once again. It was like a numb feeling, he couldn’t describe it, and even if he did, it’d probably embarrass him because it sounds stupid. If it sounds stupid to him, it’d probably sound plainly idiotic to whoever listens to him.
“It’s okay,” Langa soothed, gently prying one of Reki’s hands from his hair, resulting useless as the hand quickly shot up to grip at the red locks again, “don’t take what people say seriously, it’s not good to take things like those personally,”
“I try,” Reki choked out, eyes burning, “even though what you said was months ago, these days it’s been stuck in my head. I know it’s a joke but it still makes my head hurt from overthinking it,”
Langa didn’t know what to do or say, all he could do was stare stupidly at Reki as he brought his arms higher up, hiding his face completely. He opened his mouth and closed it, finding himself with nothing to say, nothing to help his friend or comfort him. He opened his mouth again, blurting out the words without a second thought, “I don’t mind if you’re mad at me. I understand why.”
“I’m not mad at you,” Reki said through grit teeth, Langa was so fucking dense sometimes it was actually frustrating. Though, it’s on him this time, Reki accepts he’s been all over the place lately and anyone other than Langa probably wouldn’t put up with it, “I’m just— I don’t know.” Reki’s voice was shaky as he shrunk onto himself, “I don’t know Langa,”
“I feel like I’ve lost myself.”
Langa felt his mouth go dry, hearing a pitiful whimper come from Reki. Even with the tight grip on his hair, Reki’s shaky hands were painfully obvious, fingers twitching and forearms jolting every couple of seconds. Langa started reaching out to him, freezing midway when Reki continued to talk.
“I shouldn’t care this much. You said it yourself. But I care. I care so much it stings. Every little comment puts me off and being in ‘S’ with you doesn’t help,” Reki sniffled, feeling his eyes burning once again, “I don’t hate you or anything, I never could. But being with you makes me feel so inferior. You’re so cool and everyone likes you. You know when to be quiet and when to talk. Everyone knows you in ‘S’. They all want to skate with you, or even just watch you skate. But what about me? I’m just there. Fixing up your board.”
“They always make comments. It hurts. It really hurts and I'm growing tired from pretending it doesn’t. I don’t feel like me anymore. I don’t feel okay anymore. I’m jealous of you. I’m jealous of everyone. I’m so jealous. I can’t even eat Langa, I just can’t,”
“ I can’t fucking eat ,” Reki hiccuped, and the dam broke, hot and salty tears pouring out of his eyes, trailing down his flushed cheeks. Reki raised his face in shock, touching his cheek gingerly, just to confirm he was actually crying, “No, no, no, no, fuck,”
“Reki, it’s okay to cry,” Langa’s stomach twisted at seeing Reki so in denial of crying. He didn’t know what to do. Anyone would be better suited to take care of Reki but it was just him and Reki here.
Reki ignored Langa and helplessly wiped his cheeks, only for the damp skin to be covered with a new wave of tears that seemed to have no intentions of ending soon. Why here? Why now? Why in front of Langa? This was so embarrassing, crying like a kid next to Langa. He buried his face in his knees, hands reaching up to his hair and tugging , hard enough for several strands to rip and his arms jolted when he lost his grip. He did it again, and again until he was digging his nails into his scalp when it wouldn’t suffice anymore.
Langa was alarmed, his face was paler than usual and his hands were sweaty. Reki’s sobs were making his heart clench and the current sight was not helping. Sirens were playing in his head and red blaring lights were flashing, so he took Reki’s skinny wrists, prying his hands off of himself, using a considerable amount of strength when the other pulled back, insistent on ripping his hair out.
“Reki, come on,” Langa grunted, grabbing both of Reki’s wrists with one hand, his unoccupied hand reaching to pet Reki’s hair in hopes of calming the other down, sighing in relief when Reki stopped struggling eventually, “can I hug you?”
Reki remained still, and Langa was afraid he hadn’t heard him, until Reki was nodding skeptically, freeing his hands from Langa’s loose grip, and Langa slipped his arms around Reki. He wasn’t crying anymore, just sniffling occasionally in the crook of Langa’s neck, eyes droopy and heavy with sleep, being lulled to sleep with Langa’s hand petting his head. He’d say ‘Thank you’, maybe even blurt an ‘I love you’ but he didn’t feel ready to talk. So he leaned even further on Langa, breathing in his scent.
“Take a nap,” Langa said, shuffling around and leaning against the wall. He let Reki’s body lie against his own, trapped between Langa’s legs, head resting on his chest and arms loosely hugging him.
“You don’t need to be a certain way, Reki,” Langa murmured, pecking the side of Reki’s head, “I like you just as you are.”
Fuck.
“Reki,” Plates clattering were heard from Reki’s room, followed by the clanking of metal chopsticks, “lunch is done, come eat.”
Reki wasn’t hungry. Let’s rephrase that. He had no appetite, but his stomach kept making noises of hunger in complaint. Reki slipped under the covers quickly, acting asleep. Maybe if he stayed quiet enough his mom won’t serve him food.
“I know you’re awake, I heard you laughing at something minutes ago.”
There goes his one and only chance.
“Coming!” He stood up from his bed, pulling his sweatpants up while grumbling curses under his breath, “Man, this blows,”
Reki walked into the kitchen, sitting at the table, his mom’s back turned to him as she served lunch. He took a sip of his water, the cold liquid relieving compared to the heat of the day. He wondered where his siblings were, finding the oddly empty table off putting, remembering they were at their aunt’s playing with their cousins. A plate was slid under his eyes, followed by a spoon and metal chopsticks. Lunch was- surprisingly -just soup, no side of fish or rice in sight. That was okay. Soup was good. Soup was a safe food. Reki smiled, saying thanks for the food before sipping on the hot broth.
“Is it any good?”
“It’s really yummy,” Reki commented, placing a small amount of noodles on his spoon, dipping it slightly to get some broth in it before slurping loudly.
“I’m glad,” Masae sighed, Reki peeked from his bowl, seeing his mom hadn’t started eating yet.
“You’re not eating, mom?”
“Oh, yes I am! I’m sorry, I was just thinking about something,” Picking up her spoon, Masae started eating as well, a troubled look in her eyes.
“Is something wrong?”
“Reki, honey,” She took both his hands in hers, squeezing them in a reassuring but concerned way, speaking with a watery voice, “I think I’m gonna send you to therapy.”
Reki’s brain completely shut off at the last word, repeating the same sentence over and over in his head, trying to process it. The room was so quiet he could hear a faint ringing in his ears, courtesy of his brain to keep him from dissociating or something.
“What? Why?” The words tumbled out of Reki's mouth. He already knew the answer to his questions. But he wanted to hear it from his mom.
“Your..friend, Langa. He called me earlier today. He apologized for bringing you home so late the other day.” Reki swallowed thickly, dread pooling in his stomach, this was not happening. Absolutely not. “He told me what you talked about after the party. I knew something was wrong when you mentioned getting a haircut last week after 3 years of growing your hair out. You need help baby,”
The last thing he needed was Langa snitching on him. He could already feel his trust level towards Langa dropping from ‘I’d trust you to take care of my dying body’ down to ‘I trust you enough to lend you this pencil I found on the floor but claimed it was mine’ . He wasn’t really mad at Langa, it was mostly pettiness talking at the moment, he knew Langa was just being a good friend and worrying for him. But it still just made him want to jump off a cliff if he was being honest right now.
“I don’t—” Reki’s throat felt clogged, it almost made it impossible to talk, but he managed with a strained voice, “I’m not in need of it, you can save your money, I’m all good.”
“Don’t be mad at Langa, he’s just worried. I don’t mind paying for therapy, Reki. I was recommended a psychologist. She’s said to handle teens your age well. It’s no big deal, I want you to be happy. I want my kids to be healthy and happy. You’re neither of those right now, and it breaks my heart, but we can work on it. You still look relatively healthy- probably why I didn’t notice earlier -just a bit..” She looked Reki over, spotting his thin neck, “..thinner.”
“Thank you but I don’t need it.”
“Reki—”
“It’s not necessary, I’m okay.”
“Honey, listen,”
“I’m 17, I can take care of myself. I can make my own decisions. It’s nothing, mom, I’ll try to not make you wor—”
“Don’t you want to get better?!” His mom exclaimed sternly, chair scraping obnoxiously against the floor when she sat up, slamming her hands on the table. Reki’s brain threatened shutting down a second time at her outburst.
No, he didn’t.
Reki wanted to do nothing other than to run. To snatch his skateboard from the wall by the doorstep and to roll away without even slipping his shoes on until it was nighttime, where he could gaze at the stars in peace in the cold of the night. The only thing stopping him was the fact that he didn’t have his phone with him, he’d left it in his room, and he was not leaving the house without his phone if he were to actually stay out until nighttime. He wanted to be with Langa, wanted to be pressed up all over Langa’s side in a small couch, sharing a blanket and watching one of the multiple stupid American or Canadian rom-com movies Langa would insist putting.
Langa was his safe spot. He made Reki feel at ease, and even if Reki was actually a bit hurt at him for informing his mom of his shitty mental health, he couldn’t help but feel just a bit thankful. Relieved, even. This could all come to a stop. He could stop overthinking everything that goes into his mouth and any comments people say about his appearance.
“You look so tired all the time. I just want to see you smile again.” Reki’s mom sighed, wordlessly picking up the things on the table, starting to do the dishes in silence.
‘Open your mind.’ Miya had told him once, ‘you’re tunnel visioned. Trust me, I know about it. Consider different alternatives.’
“Okay,” Reki said after minutes of tense silence, seeing his mom’s hopeful eyes as she turned to look at him.
“I’ll— I’ll go. I’ll give it a shot.”
His mom pulled him into a hug, thanking Reki even though he hasn’t done anything worth thanking him for, she was crying, Reki noted. It made Reki feel bad, knowing he had stressed his mom out even more than she already was, but they didn’t seem like tears of sadness. Reki couldn’t tell what the tears were for, maybe relief, or happiness. He could feel his mom's hands tightening around his sides, the oversized hoodie doing nothing to hide his skinny frame from physical touch.
“I’ll set up an appointment for someday this week. It’s gonna be okay, I’ll always support you honey,” She pulled out her phone and dialed a number, standing on her tippy-toes and kissing Reki on the forehead before leaving the room to talk to the person on the other line.
Rinsing the abandoned soapy dishes, Reki dried his hands, heading towards his room and slipping under the covers of his bed once again. Perhaps it was a mistake to agree to therapy. He should’ve given it more thought, but he had felt pressured to agree. What if his mom throws him in a psych ward? A shiver went up his spine, breath stuttering as he sat up anxiously. No, his mom isn’t the type to do things like those without his consent. He lied back down, staring at the ceiling blankly.
Reki still couldn’t believe he took a twelve year old’s advice and even put it to use. He doesn’t want to get better. He doesn’t feel fine, but he’s grown accustomed to whatever is going on now, accustomed enough to not want to change things up. Frankly, he doubts he’s ready for the whole recovery process, already loathing the mere thought of it. But it’d make Langa happy, it’d make his friends and family happy. And maybe, it’ll make him happy too.