Chapter Text
Two days ago, when Charlie arrived at the Bunker, Castiel was nervous. He never met her in person, but he heard the stories through Sam and Dean… Dean had mentioned she was like the little sister they never had, and she looked like someone formidable. Castiel knows that someone the Winchesters choose to trust and call family is someone he already feels inclined to do the same for.
TWO DAYS AGO:
Charlie seems to be special to Dean and Sam, someone whose safety affects them personally and whose presence lights up where she is. Castiel can't see her aura, the energy that emanates from human souls, as he no longer has his powers, but he could feel the lighter mood reflected in Dean's warm smile and hearing him laughing at something they were talking about as he walked down the stairs with her, with her bags on his shoulder. She approaches, her red hair falling over her shoulders and a wide smile as she uses her fingers to smooth her bangs, and Castiel no longer wonders how that human being couldn't be copied by the leviathans in all her integrity.
She stops as soon as she finishes down the stairs, with Dean beside her. Castiel is already up waiting, Kevin and Sam join them. Charlie speaks first.
"I was going to say 'What's up, bitches?' but I don't know if it's appropriate." She looks a little nervous too. "Are you who I think it is?"
Sam then intervens “Charlie, Cas. Cas, Charlie."
Charlie walks towards Castiel and hugs him, catching him off guard, he's still not that familiar with these gestures of human affection coming from people he doesn't know very well. The only person who initiated a hug with Castiel so far was Dean.
“I thought you’d be shorter.” She says as she walks away.
"He's a former angel of the Lord, so you don't need to hold the language close to him, Charlie." Dean jokes. “And this is Kevin, the current prophet of the Lord, but he doesn't care either, I guess…”
"Honestly, I don't give a shit about this title." Kevin scoffs, apparently tired, but tries to smile at her, who also hugs him before any other introductions.
“Okay, well Kevin, Charlie. Charlie, Kevin…. And you finally met each other. You know, you two were essential so that we could put the Leviathans back in Purgatory.” Dean adds.
"Really?" Kevin looks up.
"Yes. Charlie made sure we had access to the tablet before Dick Roman, and you made sure we had the recipe for the spell… Didn't we tell that story?" Sam asks.
“I think I was busy…” Kevin sighs wearily, then turns to Charlie. "So you got into this madness at the same time as me?"
"It seems so." She nods. "A road with no way back after the Call to Adventure, but you know, 'The road goes ever on and on'." She says, kind of humming the last part with a smile.
"Tolkien." Kevin says with the most genuine smile he's been able to offer in days.
"Exactly!" Charlie perks up. "Are you a fan?"
"I wouldn't say I'm a big fan, but I like the books."
And the conversation gets lost for Castiel, because none of that means much to his understanding. Maybe he should look for Tolkien's books in the library later. For now, the only thing he can think of is that those two humans were essential to helping clean up the mess he'd caused in the world, the first of them... And that in the end, he wasn't even able to protect Dean from being dragged to Purgatory.
"Hey, Cas!" he hears Dean calling. “Me and Sam are going to the supermarket to buy more beer and food. Do you want something?"
"Um." Castiel isn't sure what he still needs but doesn't have for human life. "I think not. Burritos? PB&J?"
"I get it." Dean says pointing his finger at Cas and winking.
“I'm going to show Charlie the computer room. You need to see this, it's like a museum relic in operation.” Kevin says leaving the war room with Charlie following him.
She then stops and turns to Castiel. "Aren't you coming with us, Cas?"
As simple as that, when he hears how she calls him ‘Cas’ without further ado or awkwardness, he feels truly invited to follow them.
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“Sweet Ada Lovelace! This thing definitely belongs in a museum. I mean, it's got encryption software. It seems to be powered by something magical.” Charlie looks fascinated, watching and pointing to the inside of the computer, after leaning on the surface of it. Castiel doesn't trust computers, but Charlie seems to know how to handle them very well.
“Ada Lovelace? Sounds familiar…” Kevin mumbles, clueless. Charlie makes an 'oh don't you know her?' expression, but before answering, Castiel, who has been rummaging through the room, starts talking casually, as if reciting simple and obvious facts.
“Ada Lovelace, Augusta Ada Byron, or Ada King countess of Lovelace… born December 10 in the year 1815, was a mathematician, she wrote an algorithm for a computing machine. Unfortunately, her works were practically forgotten until the middle of the last century.” Then Castiel turned to them both, noticing their expressions of surprise. Maybe he got in the way too much. "I apologize… It's just that she has a nice Heaven."
"Ha!" Charlie grins. “She was basically the first programmer! No need to apologize Cas, I think we should be best friends!”
He doesn't really understand the pop culture references, some books and movies that Dean mentions, but he knows human history and some souls from Heaven, after millions of years of existing and watching the world, without being able to really interfere. He is glad that something he knows is appreciated by someone else.
"I would like that." Cas smiles awkwardly at her, but sincerely.
“Wait until he starts throwing clothes all over the place, leaving the toothpaste all wrung out, and not cleaning the counter after using the kitchen… And after forcing you to translate a sacred tablet in record time…” Kevin says a little bitter, not so much humor in his voice.
Castiel knows that although they're apparently okay, a few weeks ago he wasn't the least bit kind to Kevin. He gave the ‘guys like us are never out’ speech and he wasn't the least bit kind when he used those words or his hands on him... And Kevin is exhausted. Castiel now understands how much human exhaustion can weigh, it weighs on the bones, the flesh, every part of the body, but it weighs on the mind and emotions in a way that Castiel has so far not been able to digest. The earthly experience, in a human vessel, was already intense in itself, but nothing compares to actually feeling everything at once, without a filter, without a healing process and without being able to silence every physical or other need that insists on making an interior noise. It's disconcerting. And Kevin lost his mother in the process, Castiel can't imagine the pain of that loss, just thinking about it something scratches and squeezes, reducing the space in his lungs.
Outside, his shoulders slump.
"I'm very sorry." Cas says quietly. “I… It's a lot of small steps and tasks… It's all very mechanical and slow, and confusing…”
Kevin gives a half smile a tenth more humorous than his previous comment.
“It sucks, I know. But I'm kidding, Castiel." He uses one hand to dismiss the matter. "Half kidding, to be honest."
"So, Cas?" Charlie calls out, trying to clear the mood as she taps a few fingers on the surface of the giant computer. “I'm sorry you lost your mojo… It must be very different for you.”
"Everything feels different." He nods.
“And are you scared? I mean, with everything that must have changed…? I can't imagine how this works for you…” she asked, her voice softening.
Castiel stops for a second and stares at her. So far, he hasn't had the time or opportunity to put into words what it's been like these past few weeks. He talked a bit with Dean and Sam, but he didn't want to overwhelm them when they're still looking for a way to deal with the fallen angels and Castiel feels so useless for this new phase they're going to face. 'Hunter in training' Dean had said the other day. 'with room for improvement.” But the fact is Castiel still feels he's sucked.
“I think I got more scared when I realized I couldn't control it, couldn't solve anything… And…uh, It's different…. When you're an angel, you don't constantly think of death as opposed to life... Because you have a purpose, a mission, a duty to watch over Heaven's orders. So we don't look at our expiration date, just for what we should do, without having to express any other will… When you don't feel the effects of aging, when you don't get sick, you don't think of death as something inevitable… We only faced death in battle, and that had the only meaning that we fulfilled the role we were made for… But for years this has been something more complex for me, maybe even before, but I don't remember… Heaven has been messing around in my head, it seems…” Castiel then takes a deep breath and looks beyond Charlie and Kevin, he recalls the beginnings, talking to other angels, building the world, and everything is somehow untouched inside him, surviving like a second life. “When angels take a human form, we have access to another way of feeling, but emotions, uh, aren't useful for soldiers… So almost automatically, what the human soul can feel gets sealed along with the autonomy and fragility of the receptacle. We rationalize what we can process about humanity, which can serve to fulfill our duty… But when you think that angels can also choose more, with a vessel or without a vessel, this all gets more complicated… Free will is not a simple door for freedom.”
"Wow." It's the only thing Kevin says.
“In my old Garrison, I was their captain. We were assigned to watch the earth. Often, it was boring… and I was very self-assured. I was convinced I was on this righteous path... Now I can see that there is no such thing... Even after my fall, I kept looking for that path, how could I order chaos between Heaven and humanity... And I thought that I had understood humanity, but I was wrong… I've only begun to grasp it. After I lost my Grace it was…” Castiel stops to breathe. “I still don't know… It's like having to look at the basics of me when I didn't even know there was something there besides the angel… You know, when I had my powers, I could stand on the side of a road waiting all night, standing still. No pain, no cold, no hunger… If a truck hit me, it would be more harmful to it than to me… But now, when I spent a few nights on the street it was painful, not being able to sleep and feeling sleepy, feeling cold and staying wet from the rain, not having anything to eat… It's the kind of frailty that had no meaning or weight for me, I knew it existed for others, I could say it existed, but without really knowing what it costs for humans, what it costs for you to wake up all days and getting up for purpose when the whole world seems absurd and ungrateful… And yet life doesn't seem to be all about survival, there's space for kindness and welcoming… Except if you're a reaper who has sex with your guest and then torture him to death…”
"What?!" Charlie appears to have been awakened from a trance, her voice squeaky.
“April. A reaper who killed me, but Dean brought me back this time…” Castiel speaks unfazed by the fact. “But well, that's it… I think I understand some things a little better now, and for that I'm really sorry, Kevin, for how I dealt with you before the angels fell… Other things I still don't understand… This wasn't the first time I died, I've been destroyed a few times before, but I was reassembled. However, I have some questions: my vessel didn't have a human soul for a few years, so everything I could feel was actually only mine? It's not something that happens to many angels… In fact, I've never known anything like this before… And now that I'm human, I have a soul… Metatron said my soul would return to Heaven after I died, but there was nothing left of Jimmy to form it, so this is just mine? Many questions…”
Castiel is thoughtful and Charlie and Kevin are speechless. They glance at each other, then Charlie breaks the silence.
"You are a deep bitch, aren't you?"
And Castiel lets out a little laugh.
"Maybe I am."
“But, welcome to the club, Cas… Not having all the answers, facing some existential crisis and getting lost along the way… These are very human things…” Kevin adds.
“And it's not all bad… There are feelings, people, good things you can experience differently from what you've done before, maybe for the first time… Maybe falling in love…” Charlie tries to sound disinterested in this last part, but without much subtlety. Kevin just raises an eyebrow at her.
“I don't know…” Castiel feels his face heat up, he frowns against this reaction. "I don't know if I would recognize the feeling..."
"Umn." Charlie seems to analyze him. "You know, I think it's different for each person, but you care about someone and feel like you want to know more about that person, wanting to be close and affectionate even without realizing it and thinking about that person more often than you thought possible! And, uh, feeling your heart pounding… Or butterflies in your stomach, figuratively speaking… Things like that… Wanting to go on dates… Have you ever felt something like that for anyone?”
“I…” Castiel loses the words as he can't find coherent thoughts.
The door creaks and opens. Dean appears with a smile and some plastic bags in his hand, Sam beside him.
"Dean." Cas says as if something in him has lit up and woken up, the only word filling the room.
"Cas." Dean responds, tilting his head, and then turns to everyone. "We have popcorn, ice cream and the first season of Game of thrones, plus beers."
Charlie is left without the answer she asked for, but she is very good at reading through secret codes.
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TWO DAYS LATER.
Dean and Charlie returned from the pizzeria with four different flavors and found the kitchen incredibly clean and ready to be messed up again. Now everyone is in the war room, after eating and drinking half of what they had bought.
"And he told me 'You should've seen Luke.' What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Dean speaks with his mouth full of the last piece of pizza he took, letting out a laugh that makes the wrinkles at the corners of his eyes appear.
"Well, he was a mess, a prophet that we all thought was a little out of the ordinary by the standards of that time." Castiel responds as he lifts a bottle of beer for another sip. "It made some angels think that God did not have the highest criteria when it came to Heaven's purposes."
"Oh a flood that drowned thousands of people was not enough to question God's priorities, but THAT was what aroused suspicions." Charlie teases.
“To be honest, the flood was incorrectly described in the Bible, it wasn't on a worldwide scale…” Castiel tries to point out factually.
“Don't tell me… This has always been scientifically improbable…” Kevin says.
“But we're talking about God, in the end he makes the rules…” Sam ponders.
"Bullshit! It may have been like that in the past, but…” Dean retorts. “We didn't even know the guy and we were in the middle of the damn Apocalypse part one, I won't give Him credit for what happens here in this world right now, because he obviously doesn't care anymore… He let the angels and demons use the Earth as a playground, with the bullshit of destiny… He left a bunch of monsters here… I say we make our rules or better: we burn his rulebook…”
There is a moment of silence at the table, when the laughter of the two previous conversations, when Charlie commented on some absurd passage, which actually happened, from Chuck's books, ceased.
Then Castiel lifts the beer bottle and, with a bit of firmness, speaks, looking at Dean in agreement. "A toast to that." And the next sound in the room is the toast going on.
---------------------------------------------------
Cas has his back to the door, washing the dishes with the warm water. Dean stops by the door and watches him, the blue T-shirt, no sleeves, he'll end up getting cold.
"Cas, buddy, leave it there, tomorrow we'll clean the kitchen."
Cas turns his body slowly, sleepy and with a half yawn at the end. "What?"
"I said you don't need to wash the dishes now... It's late, you were practically drunk half an hour ago, maybe you still are, and your stomach is full." Dean sighs. “I'm giving you a free pass today, no complaining about the mess tomorrow. Go to sleep."
Cas doesn't lower the plate he's holding, but his eyes continue to stare at Dean, now with more attention.
"I wasn't drunk... I didn't even drink much." He mutters.
"You may have been tougher before, Cas, but now two beers are more than enough." Dean smiles.
"Maybe you're right." Cas surrenders and lowers his plate, looking for a dish towel to dry his hands. "It's different now."
"Hey, not that it's bad." Dean steps forward. "You just need some time to get used to it."
"Dean." Cas steps forward but pauses.
"What?" For some reason, Dean feels an alarm go off in his head. It's Cas. Still Cas.
"I can't see your soul anymore." Cas says abruptly, almost wistful.
"Oh." Dean laughs awkwardly. "I didn't know you looked at this."
“You have a beautiful soul…” Cas continues to stare at him, two steps forward. "And you're also the most selfless, loving human being I've ever met."
Dean has no words. He just chokes on some sound he tried to make pretending to say Cas is still drunk. But he doesn't say anything, because Cas keeps looking him in the eye without flinching and Dean doesn't want to break it, even though a part of him is on alert telling him to leave, saying the conversation with Charlie wasn't relevant, that if Cas feels something for him, it can't be what he feels for Cas… And what exactly does he feel for Cas now that it's just the two of them there? No grand plan, no archangels and true vessels, no end of the world knocking at the door once more.
“Cas… You…” Dean starts not sure what he means.
"Do you want to go on a date with me?" Cas says simply, exhaling between them but holding back his apprehension at the unspoken response.
"A date?" Dean is surprised.
“Going on dates... that's something humans do, right?”
"Yeah." Dean replies dumb. "What kind of date?"
Cas tilts his head, and squints his eyes and brows in confusion. “I didn't realize there could be other kinds of dates. A romantic one, I mean.”
Dean swallows. "With me?"
Cas' eyes widen with some realization and Dean can sense the moment when a thought crossed Cas' mind and left him embarrassed. He takes two steps back away from Dean and starts to raise his hands as if to apologize before he even starts to speak.
"Dean." His voice shakes. "I... That was a mistake... I apologize to you... I just... It doesn't matter. I don't want to be an inconvenience or upset you..."
“No, Cas…” Dean interrupts as quickly as he can react. “I… I'm just surprised… I didn't think that, you know… That you… But if you're really interested… Damn! What am I, 13 years old again?” Dean grunts to himself, then takes a deep breath and decides to look at Cas again. "I want to go on a date with you, a romantic one, whatever that means to us."
"Oh." Cas breathes clearly with relief.
Before they could answer anything more than that, voices from the hallway grow louder and Charlie, Kevin and Sam enter the kitchen.
“Guys, you're not going to believe what showed up in the computer room…” Charlie starts, but stops as she looks at them, still frozen, half scared, half not knowing what to do with their faces and hands. "Or should I ask what's going on here?"
“Dean? Cas?” Sam sounds worried.
Dean clears his throat and straightens his posture. "Nothing, me and Cas… We…"
"We're going to have a date." Cas says without more hesitation.
"A date?" The other three ask.
"A romantic date." Cas clarifies.
"This is new!" Charlie says smiling, and catches a glimpse of Dean.
“Who… which one of you asked…?” Kevin asks.
"Cas." Dean coughs and then tries to stare at Sam, who's mouth slightly open, his expression hard to read, until he changes.
"Ha! I said it wouldn't come from him so soon." And Sam laughs.
“Well, I thought my conversation with Dean had been more encouraging than mine with Cas…” Charlie shrugs.
"But at least it happened." Kevin follows her movement.
“True, I don't believe…”
Dean and Cas watch them arguing, stunned.
"Hey!" Dean decides to get their attention by clapping his hands. "We are still here."
“Sorry… Well, can we celebrate later? There's a woman being expelled from a cocoon or something like that on your wall! And I think we need to know who she is.” Charlie looks more serious than the last five minutes ago. "Come on!"
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Charlie had gone on a new adventure with Dorothy towards Oz and the Emerald City. Kevin and Sam stayed in the Bunker, trying to unravel the angel tablet and keeping Crowley under control. Meanwhile, Dean and Cas went to a mid-night session to watch Tombstone. The romantic date didn't actually present any big news to their dynamics. They watched the movie, shared popcorn, Dean commented, whispering some parts and was totally silent in others, and every now and then they missed parts of the movie to see each other's reactions, finding themselves in the middle of a session reserved just for the two.
When they get back to the Bunker, Dean is a little disappointed. He doesn't really know what to say, but this one sure wasn't like the dates that, when he tried to date someone, he's already had... Their dynamic was basically the same and maybe that's not a problem, but maybe they aren’t what they were thinking they could be. They walk down the hall, close to each other and Dean can feel the anxiety churning inside him, the undeniable presence of Cas so close. They stop in front of Dean's bedroom door.
"It was a good movie." Cas speaks, arms folded in front of him.
"It is a good movie." Dean corrects. "Get ready to watch it again next time."
"Um." Cas searches Dean's face for something, and then he clears his throat and tries to do a deep, slightly hoarse, imitating a Doc Holliday voice. “I'm your Huckleberry.”
And Dean's expression lights up, he laughs and shakes his head. "You certainly are."
Then Cas' shy smile spreads and widens, and he opens his jacket, pulling out a hidden rose.
"I don't know if it makes this date romantic enough." The rose is a little smushed and with petals falling off. Cas looks down and says quietly. "It was prettier when I picked it up before I got into the Impala."
Dean stares at his hand holding the flower for a few seconds, not knowing how to react. He could make a joke out of it, but he can only see the little marks on Cas' fingers, where the thorns have scratched and pierced, and how he's still holding the flower somewhat insecurely. Dean reaches out and takes it carefully.
"Nice touch." And then Cas looks up at him. "But I think any date with you and me is romantic enough, in our way."
Although Dean wasn't so sure about this a few minutes ago, now it feels right. The two will find out how they work together because it feels right.
"Dean, I have no idea what I'm doing... It's all very new to me."
“Cas…” And Dean makes his own voice as calm and sympathetic as he can, with a softness so rare to happen. “There are things that are new to me too, and that's okay… Let's take our time, after all, I think we're good at making it up as we go. Both of us."
When Cas smiles this time, it's a complete move that affects his entire body. A slight nod, his eyes shining more purposefully, with wrinkles appearing around them… He raises a hand towards Dean, who lets the movement reach him, tilting his head… They can work together, he knows… And then their lips collide like a disaster, an awkward encounter that slowly takes the shape of a real kiss... In the next few moments it all makes sense, they feel their hearts beating and their breaths quickening, without seeing where the end is, as they are just beginning.