Chapter Text
“Todd.”
Gentle fingers brushing away his bangs to the rhythm of soft whispers woke Todd. Drowsily, he turned his head, but the same hands pressed gently against his cheeks, now. He raised a hand to bat at this unwelcome intruder- but opening his eyes revealed Neil’s always-welcome face.
The brunet smiled, a soft expression that tugged at the corners of rosy lips. Todd’s heart was light in his chest. “There you are. It’s half past noon, Todd. I figured it was best for you to wake up.”
“Half past noon?” He arched his back as he sat up, feeling the satisfying pull of muscles stiff from sleep. “I- I slept that long?”
“Yes, but it’s alright. We’ve both got the day off.”
And where was he? The blankets that swamped him were soft and white, as was the pillow that had sunken slightly where his head had laid. All around him was the smell of Neil- warm and familiar and- and suddenly, Todd remembered everything. The embarrassing meltdown, the failure of an article- and then the rush of adrenaline as he pressed his lips against Neil and then the fuzzy feeling in his head as Neil held him and they slept- all of it, in one miserable rush. Todd pressed his hand to his head. “I’ve got a headache.”
“That won’t do,” Brightly, Neil chuckled. He was as warm and radiant as the sunlight that crept through the curtains. “I’ll get you an ergot tablet.”
Todd hummed his thanks as he fell back against the pillow. Had he really kissed Neil? Now, it felt as if everything from the soft moonlight to the pillowy white blanket were figments of an overactive imagination. Todd had painted himself a picture, and he wasn’t sure if it was truly real.
Lips pressing gently against his forehead were a welcome surprise.
Blushing furiously, Todd watched as the culprit disappeared, leaving the door cracked open behind him. On his temple was a warm and burning kiss, and he felt as if he could take flight at any given moment.
Though, that wasn’t an option. He needed to address his problems in life. The first- had he actually kissed his roommate? And the second was, of course, his immense struggle in his current job. However, he was willing to let the latter wait. There were so many problems blossoming from that kiss. What had he and Neil become? What was Neil willing to let the situation become? If Todd made a wrong move, would he be cast out onto the streets again? His thoughts spiraled as his heart began to pound against his chest.
Quickly, he arose from the bed and padded across cold floors into the kitchen, where an incredibly handsome Neil Perry was carefully removing an ergot tablet from it’s packaging, a cold glass of water sitting idly beside him. Neil looked softer in the morning sunlight, the angles of his face less defined as sunlight poured down the back of his neck. Sweatpants hung loosely on his hips and the simple white shirt he wore only added to the perfect picture. Todd’s heart skipped as the actor turned to face him, a small smile coming across his lips.
“Todd,” Neil began, brandishing the pill and water. “I was going to bring this to you.”
“Thank you.” He responded, softly, as he took the medicine and quickly swallowed it down. The glass was cold against his fingers, but he already felt awake as he glanced up at Neil through sandy eyelashes. The other man offered him a small smile, and Todd felt words bubbling at his lips before he could stop them. “Did I really kiss you last night?”
The brunet paused for a moment, before smiling. “What do you mean?”
Confused, Todd glanced between Neil and the living room, already planning a swift escape from a tellingly awkward situation. He had been dreaming, certainly. “Well- I- I just- I- last night, we- I thought I kissed you.”
He’d finally spat it out. His cheeks were scorching hot and Neil’s small chuckle did not quell his anxiety at all.
“Oh. I don’t quite understand… you mean…” Neil stepped closer, one hand finding its place against Todd’s cheek and the other against his waist. Suddenly, his skin was burning and his heart was equally aflame. “Like this?”
Their lips met once more, and Todd couldn’t resist wrapping his arms around Neil’s shoulders and pulling the taller man closer. Neil’s kiss was warm and guided, and he was confident even in a gesture like a kiss. Still, the press of his lips was gentle and warm, and Todd simply couldn’t believe that he was kissing Neil a second time. Breathless, he pulled away.
“Exactly.”
The corners of Neil’s eyes crinkled with a smile as he ducked forward once more. This time, heat guided him as he swept his tongue against Todd’s lower lip, gently pressing forward to explore. Todd’s lower back met the counter as Neil’s warm hands met the bony juts of his hips, circling backwards slowly to rest on his lower back. He could barely take in breaths through his nose as he tried to commit to everything happening in the moment, from hands to lips, and the way Neil’s eyelashes brushed against his skin if he tilted his head enough.
Heat rose from hands to lips as Neil pressed Todd against the counter, keeping their pacing slow and passionate. Todd learned then that there was a certain rhythm to kissing (Neil’s tongue happened to be an incredible dancer), but Todd was out of shape as he pulled back to breathe.
“Neil-” He couldn’t help but laugh as he pressed his hand against Neil’s firm chest. “Neil…”
“I’m sorry.” That might’ve been the brightest smile Todd had ever seen on his roommate's face
as the other man ducked forward to leave a gentle kiss against Todd’s neck. “I can’t help it.”
“S’ okay.” Todd had the absentminded urge to touch Neil’s hair, and so he did. It was just as soft as he’d thought it to be, and the happy hum he got in response was enough motivation to leave it there. Neil was everything Todd had ever wanted in his life- and now they’d both acknowledged it. “I- I really care about you, Neil.”
The warmth slipped away slightly as Neil pulled back, the same smile upon his face. “I care about you too, Todd. Now- go fetch your shoes, we’re going out.”
“Out? Wh- huh?” Suddenly, Neil was pulling him to the door, ripping coats and scarves from the coattree and pulling his belongings carelessly over his pajamas. Stunned, Todd watched as Neil suited up for the harsh New York cold in nothing but his flannel pants and thin t-shirt. Neil was as unpredictable as the weather. But Todd was never one to refuse his shenanigans- not when he was constantly following Neil about like a lost puppy. He stood still as Neil helped him pull his coat on, even gracious enough to let the taller man do the buttons. “Where are we going, Neil?”
A mischievous smile was the first thing he saw. “To my spot. Shoes, Anderson.”
Willingly, Todd pulled on his well-worn loafers and looked up at Neil quizzically. “Your spot?”
“Do you trust me?” One eyebrow raised dramatically, nearly disappearing behind unkempt bangs.
Todd smiled slightly. “Yes.”
---------------
Far away from the city was a worn road that took them into the forest. Neil drove casually, eyes following scenery or even Todd as his hands did the work of driving themselves. He seemed to know where he was going. That was a question Todd had, though, as his friend had absolutely refused to elaborate on the spontaneous drive. However, Neil eventually pulled the car onto the side of the road and took Todd’s hand in his, braving the frigid cold as they walked down a cracked and unused road.
“This was supposed to be a highway,” Neil explained, “Cutting over the river and going further into the state- they finished the bridge off and realized that things would be easier if they just avoided the river and went perpendicular to the direction they’d already built.”
They walked further down the empty road and came to a bridge. It couldn’t have even been ten years old, but the misuse was obvious in the vines that crawled over it and the cracks in the concrete. Beneath them was rushing water and beautiful forest flanking each side. Undeniably, the bridge was pretty. Dappled shadows from the leaves of trees stretched across the empty space, and Todd followed Neil as he sat, swinging his legs over the edge.
“It’s beautiful.” He murmured, kneeling behind Neil and wrapping his arms around the other man’s warm body. Todd nestled his chin in the crook of Neil’s shoulder.
“I come here when I need quiet.”
Todd couldn’t help but smile at the thought of Neil Perry needing quiet, but here they were, sitting in silence together. Neil’s back was warm, pressed against Todd’s chest as he kicked his legs back and forth, watching the rushing water in a quiet trance. However, Todd needed to speak.
“Neil,” He began, his voice soft. “You… told me that your father knows that you’re queer.”
His partner was quiet for a moment, before he finally spoke. “Oh- yes. He does. I told him a year after I moved to New York. He… he still believes that I’m doing it for attention, but he knows. He didn’t disown me- though I suppose it’s because I’m some sort of a public figure.”
Todd gave an understanding nod as he leaned his head down, nuzzling his nose against Neil’s neck just to feel the fulfilling warmth that touching him provided. Every moment of terse anxiety had led to this, and Todd couldn’t have been happier. However, there was still a looming pit of anxiety about the whole ordeal. If they were to get caught, or someone were to find out, they’d both be knee-deep in trouble.
“That was brave of you. To tell him.”
Neil only hummed in response as he turned around, pulling Todd closer by the collar of his coat. He leaned in and pressed a gentle kiss to his lips, his hands remaining on Todd’s cheek. He didn’t care about how the concrete was beginning to hurt his knees- not with the way Neil was surrounding him. His knees pressed into Todd’s sides and his hands were gentle as he leaned down for another kiss. “Well, we aren’t the only ones.”
Pitts and Meeks come to mind. There had to be other men and women in their situation- somewhere out there, behind closed doors and kissing softly on abandoned bridges. Secluded, but perhaps not alone.
“No.” Todd leaned forward to hug Neil, gripping onto his coat tightly as if Neil were going to fall off of the bridge and disappear into the murky water below.
Neil rested a hand in his hair, the other splayed against his back. For a moment, Todd imagined that they became one, frozen in time on the bridge as the wind blew stray leaves across the abandoned pavement. Everything was silent, even if it was only for a moment. Neil stirred, brushing hair from Todd’s face. “Come sit up here with me. It’s nice to look out.”
Willingly, Todd complied and sat next to Neil on the ledge, grabbing onto the crisscrossing support beams with white knuckles as he looked at the rushing water beneath him. It was foreboding to look at- to think of the drop, everything it entailed. But as Neil took his hand, Todd felt a bit safer.
“So this is your place?” Todd asked, scrunching his toes to keep his shoes from slipping off.
Neil smiled, something that was obvious even in the corner of Todd’s eye. “Yes, you could say that. I’m sure others have found it, but I like to think that it’s mine. None of the other Poets know about this spot. I stumbled across it on a drive.”
“I could sit here all day,” Todd thought, almost absentmindedly speaking. “Well- if it weren’t so cold.”
“Oh- you don't even have gloves!” The natural mother-hen in Neil took the reins as he stood, pulling Todd away from the cold metal of the bridge and into his arms. Gracefully, Neil took Todd’s hands, placing them in his pockets. “For warmth.”
“For warmth-” Todd agreed, a giggle bubbling up and spilling over as he pressed his forehead against Neil’s scarf. He pressed his hands against Neil’s sides, wondering how his hot skin felt beneath all of the fabric. “You’re really warm.”
Neil’s body rumbled with a chuckle. “Well, you aren’t. Let’s get back to the car.”
Before Neil could start the engine, Todd had the overwhelming urge to see if all of this was real. He lurched forward, gently grasping the collar of Neil’s coat and pulling him into a tight hug. Surprised, Neil let out a breathy laugh and rested his hand on Todd’s back. Maybe it was real, because the beating of Neil’s heart and the rise and fall of his chest seemed solid beneath him. Todd sunk forward as he let himself believe. “What’s this for?”
“I just can’t believe this.” Todd murmured, his voice barely a whisper. “I can’t believe someone… you- I don’t know.”
“Can’t believe what?”
There was the hand in his hair again. Todd’s breath caught in his chest for a moment as he leaned back into the gentle touch. “This.”
“What about this?” Beneath him, Neil shifted to lie across the front row of seats. Todd settled against his chest, pressing his feet against the constraints of the door. It was so comfortable- the warmth Neil provided stark against the lonely cold outside.
Todd wanted to drift away right there. “I don’t know. You- us? Whatever this is. I- I just- I just can’t believe that I found you and that you actually wanted to be my friend and now you- you feel more for me and I just never expected it. I never thought something this good would happen to me.”
Silence for a moment, until Neil spoke. “I know. Me too. You’re amazing, Todd. I needed you in my life.”
He felt like he was glowing. Perhaps it was the sunlight that peeked intrusively through the windshield, but Todd might as well have been a supernova at that moment, his heart swelling with pride and joy at every word Neil had uttered. Someone needed him in their life- he was wanted. He was needed. Cheeks red, Todd shut his eyes tightly and hid his face against Neil’s chest, trying to cover the smile that had spread across his face.
“Todd? Are you alright?”
“Yeah.” Just to reassure his partner, Todd shifted so that his cheek was against Neil’s chest. “I’m perfectly alright. Can we- can we just lay here for a bit? Until we really get cold.”
Again, Neil nodded, and Todd watched the way his dark eyelashes brushed against his cheekbones. At this point, he'd have a notebook of poetry solely about Neil to publish. It was impossible not to write about him. “Of course. We can stay as long as we’d like. We have all the time in the world.”
In that moment, it felt true.