Chapter Text
It was finally starting to chill off outside in the lead up to Christmas break. Gerard tugged at his dark grey coat which had a persistent smell of mothballs, and pulled it tight around his chest. His head was dipped low, in an attempt to encourage his scarf to cover his ears where his cropped, bottle-blond hair did not reach. The icy wind was cutting, and the ominous clouds overhead either spoke of coming rain, or possibly sleet. Either way, Gerard hastened, not wishing to get stuck in whatever weather event was about to befall the campus. It appeared like the other students had also had the same idea and scattered, instead of enjoying the afternoon on the quad.
The sound of raindrops splashing against the concrete began just as Gerard managed to slip inside his dorm room. He was greeted with a slap of warm air in the small space, and Becky curled up under a blanket, headphones on, enthralled in whatever it was she was drawing.
He unfurled his scarf from around his neck, and draped it with his coat in the cupboard. It was nice to finally be out of the chill. Over the semester he had been working part-time at the coffee cart to earn some money, but they were closing over Christmas. Classes were wrapping up for the break as well, and he was actually on top of all of his work for possibly the first time this semester. He had made sure to get ahead so that he could actually relax over the break, and it didn’t hurt that he was really enjoying all of his courses.
“Oh, hey,” Becky said, pulling her headphones down around her neck. “How was life drawing?”
“Drew an old man’s ballsack today,” Gerard responded with a smirk. He hadn’t actually, but the option had been there as the grandfather took on the Statue of David pose multiple times before the class.
“Oh, I bet that was highly educational for you.” Becky chuckled.
“Shut-up,” Gerard snapped back with a laugh. The pair had fallen into a happy routine of playful banter and teasing, almost like he and Mikey had growing up. She would never replace Mikey, but it was comforting to have such a good roommate.
Becky chuckled again and replaced her headphones over her ears.
Gerard moved to relax on his bed only to find a letter addressed to him on his pillow. In all the months he had been here so far, he hadn’t received a single letter. It wasn’t really how Mikey or Ray tended to communicate. They much preferred the ‘spontaneously appearing in his doorway’ style of communication.
Gerard snatched up the letter and flipped it over. No return address. But it was stamped from New Jersey. Maybe Mikey had decided to send him a letter or something. He tore down the short edge of the envelope and tugged out the folded piece of notepad paper inside. His heart stuttered for a moment at the sight of his father’s handwriting as he unfolded the paper.
Dear Gerard, I hope this letter finds you well.
His vision swam at the sight of his name on the paper in his father’s messy cursive. He hadn’t realised his father even knew his name. He endeavoured to read on, but his mind was struggling to focus on the words. Christmas was approaching, as his father’s letter pointed out, and Christmas was a time to be spent with family. Gerard’s brain whirled, as he tried to comprehend the letters on the page in front of him. He had organised with Ray to spend Christmas in the Toro household, expecting that he wouldn’t be allowed home. And yet, the words in front of him were inviting him home, a place he didn’t realise existed anymore.
Gerard jumped up from his bed and grabbed a couple of quarters from his desk. He shuffled into the corridor quickly, loping down the hall to the payphone in the common area. Maybe this was some kind of sick joke? Maybe he really had lost the ability to read. He just needed to absolutely confirm that his dad hadn’t accidentally sent this letter to the wrong person.
With minimal coordination he slotted the quarters into the payphone in a frenzy. His hands shook wildly as he punched in his home phone number. At the first ring, his breathing hitched - what if his mom answered the phone? Half-way through the second ring it was too late to consider that as the click of the receiver being picked up travelled to his ear. He held his breath as he waited to see who had answered, as if the person on the other end could identify him from his breathing alone.
“Hello?” Came the gravelly voice of his father.
Gerard froze. It wasn’t his mom, that was good, but he still hadn’t thought about what he was going to say. He was so manic just getting to the phone he hadn’t considered that he would need to actually speak.
“Hello?” His dad asked again.
Gerard released a shaky breath, but still wasn’t able to find the words.
On the other end of the phone he could hear his dad smack his lips as if also considering what to say. After a moment longer came, “Gerard?”
Gerard inhaled sharply. He felt the word strike through his chest in complete shock. But unlike all the times his mothers words had caused him pain, this single word seemed to heal him just a little bit.
“Hi, dad,” Gerard breathed. “I got your letter.” Gerard’s hands were trembling fiercely and he clutched the phone to his ear with both hands.
Don sighed on the other end of the phone, and then after a pause asked, “How are you?”
“Good.” Gerard was struggling to find the words. This was the longest conversation he could recall ever having with his father.
There was a grunt followed by a gruff, “What do you think about it then?”
He was referring to the letter and his invitation for Gerard to spend the holidays with his family, as they usually would. Only it would be the first time Gerard would spend the holidays with his family.
Gerard cleared his throat in an attempt to give himself time to compose his words. It was futile, though, as he still stumbled to form a coherent response. “I- would it- sorry.” His hands were trembling so hard they could barely hold the phone to his ear. “What about mom?” he finally managed to get out.
Don merely grunted on the other end of the line in acknowledgement.
“Does she...know?” Gerard wedged the phone between his ear and shoulder, giving up on his ability to hold anything right now.
Don grunted again, but this time continued with, “We discussed it. She’s taking a lot of time to understand this - well, understand you.”
Gerard sighed. He hadn’t exactly expected that she would have had a change of heart in that area.
“But we agreed that it wouldn’t be Christmas without you here.” Don finished.
The phone line was quiet for a few minutes as both men considered what to say next. Gerard gnawed nervously at his nails.
“What…” He knew what he needed to ask, but it felt as if his throat was constricting against the words. “Will you both call me by my name?”
“If it means I get to spend Christmas with both of my children, I will call you whatever you want.”
“Gerard’s fine.” He laughed nervously.
They spoke a little longer before hanging up as Gerard’s credit was running out. He slipped another quarter into the phone and dialled Ray’s number. Ray was more apprehensive about the plan than Gerard had expected.
“You’re sure you’ll be alright there?”
“I can’t be sure, Ray, but I have to at least give them a chance.”
Begrudgingly Ray conceded the point and they didn’t discuss it any further.
A few weeks later he was standing on the front porch of the house he used to call home. It felt strange. It was as if there had been this cosmic shift in his life, and yet his childhood home loomed before him entirely unchanged. It was cold enough he could see his breath tangle with the smoke of his cigarette, and he pulled his trench coat tight around him.
Excitement curled behind his ribcage as he butted out his cigarette. He’d decided that if he was doing this, he was doing it on his terms. Getting ready, he really felt like he’d finally laid to rest who he used to be. He’d spent ages fussing with his shaggy bleached hair and staring at himself in the mirror. Since his previous failed attempts, he’d found someone in the city who actually sold a chest binder like he had tried to make, but this one didn’t suffocate him. He had turned from side to side, inspecting his reflection in the mirror. He’d borrowed a button-up from Ray which was noticeably too broad for his shoulders, but it was the way the fabric laid flat against his chest that had him mesmerised.
He was returning home, on his terms, as a well-dressed young man. It had only been a few months since he had stood here, but it felt like a lifetime had passed. It had been a different person who had stood trembling with fury in front of Donna Way. A different life in which his own mother had thrown a phonebook at him in disgust.
He hesitated for a moment more before finally rapping his knuckles against the front door. Footsteps thudded down the hall towards him. They were heavy - unlikely to be Mikey. Gerard felt his heart leap into his throat in anticipation.
The door swung open and Don stood in the doorway, seemingly stunned for a moment. He looked down on his eldest and took in Gerard’s appearance. A proud grin spread across his face a moment later and he pulled Gerard into his arms. It was jarring and Gerard took a moment to react appropriately and return the hug. Growing up, Don had never been one to show physical affection, or affection much at all to be honest. But right now, this was exactly what Gerard needed. If nothing else good came of this night, he at least knew he had his dad’s support.
“I’m sorry for how things turned out, Gerard,” Don told him, his hands still holding Gerard’s shoulders. “Mikey explained more of what had been going on to me after you had left. I am sorry we put you through that.”
Gerard mumbled a response but felt his head swimming in a daze. Of all the possible scenarios he had considered, caring and apologetic Donald Way had not featured in any of them.
He only made it halfway down the hallway before Mikey tackled him from part way up the stairs. Gerard grasped at thin air and only stopped himself from completely tumbling over by hitting the wall behind him with a flinch. The last thing he wanted was to immediately put a hole through the wall.
“You came!” Mikey squealed and squeezed Gerard tightly around the waist.
A laugh escaped his lips and he tried to squirm out of Mikey’s grasp. “Mikey, I can’t fucking breathe.”
Mikey pulled back and nodded solemnly. “I hear smoking does that to you.”
Gerard snorted and punched Mikey in the shoulder. “Oh shut-up.”
Mikey rolled up onto his toes and bounced on the spot. “Did you bring me presents?” He pointed at Gerard’s hand where a crumpled paper back was clutched half behind his back.
“Is a visit from your big brother not the greatest gift I could give you?” Gerard admonished, dramatically placing a hand on his chest and gasping.
Mikey stopped bouncing and deadpanned, “No.”
Gerard rolled his eyes and offered up the bag to Mikey. “Put it under the tree.” He scolded as Mikey ran off with the bag. It wasn’t much. Just a couple of bobbles from the city for his parents and a personalised comic he’d drawn for Mikey. The comic was important, but he’d made sure not to spend much on his parents. He still wasn’t sure how tonight was going to go.
Don slapped a hand on Gerard’s shoulder and navigated him down the hall to the living room. A fire blazed in the hearth and Gerard shrugged off his coat and tossed it over the back of the couch. The tree was twinkling in the firelight with gifts wrapped in recycled paper scattered around the base of it.
From the kitchen, Donna emerged with two glasses of eggnog, one of which she handed to Don. Gerard’s heart started to pound at the sight of her. He knew that she was going to be here, obviously, but he was still not prepared for her to perceive him. He was suddenly incredibly self-conscious. He was aware of the press of binder against his chest, his hair skimming the tops of his ears, his jeans grazing the floor where he stood.
They held eye contact for a minute as Donna took in his appearance. She didn’t show any overt emotions, just seemed to cast an eye over him. It felt as if everyone in the room was holding their breath, waiting for something to happen.
Eventually, Donna gave Gerard a small smile. “Merry Christmas, G.” She said softly. It wasn’t much - crumbs really - but it was said with some kindness. There was no hatred. The usual venom that would drip from her words was absent.
Gerard sucked in a breath and nodded at her in acknowledgement. He couldn’t find his voice. Months had transpired since he last had stood in this house and although the setting was different, he still couldn’t convince his body to relax.
“We should talk,” Donna told him and indicated the back door.
Gerard nodded again and followed her out to the back porch. It was freezing outside and he had left his coat on the couch, but he barely noticed the cold. His palms were clammy and his underarms were sweating as if it were the middle of summer.
Donna pulled a pack of cigarettes from her apron pocket and lit one. She offered the pack to Gerard without prompting.
“I didn’t think you knew.” He muttered, pulling a cigarette from the pack and lighting it.
“I’m not as unaware as you think.” She stowed the pack and inhaled. “I am stubborn when it comes to things I don’t agree with, though.”
Gerard grunted and sucked on his smoke. She could say that again. He wasn’t there to make her feel better. He was there for Mikey and his dad, because they wanted him there. Try as he might to not be spiteful, Donna certainly made it hard for him to show any kind of sympathy towards her.
“Thank-you for coming.” Donna continued, accepting that he wasn’t going to reply. She stared at the back fence where the darkness stole away the horizon. Neither one of them wanted to look directly at the other.
“Dad asked.” Was all he said.
“It means a lot to all of us.”
“I’m not here for you.” Gerard said curtly and began to straighten up. His hands trembled from the cold as he tried to smoke, but he still couldn’t feel how icy the air temperature actually was. In the presence of Donna Way, even arctic temperatures could feel like heat waves.
Donna visibly swallowed her pride at that one. “Can you blame me for being upset with what you said that day?”
Gerard flicked his cigarette butt out in front of him where it fell into the snow below. Clearly she wasn’t going to apologise, she just wanted him to make her feel better. “Yes, I can actually.”
“G-”
“My name is Gerard.” He turned to her, his voice devoid of emotion. He had anticipated that this would be the case.
“I’m sorry that I hurt you. I just don’t understand why you-”
“That’s the problem, mom. You just don’t get it. I’ve at least had time over these months to accept that you’ll never get it. I’ve found my peace. You need to find yours.” He turned on his heel and started to push the back door open.
“Will you at least stay for dinner?” Donna asked quietly at his retreating figure.
“Merry Christmas, mom.” Was all he said as he disappeared through the door.
Donna didn’t follow him inside straight away. Mikey made eye contact with Gerard as soon as he returned to the living room and his face fell.
“Are you leaving?” Mikey asked, the sadness obvious in his voice.
Gerard snuggled into the couch next to Mikey, pulling his little brother close to his side. “Not until you open your present. But I can’t stay for dinner.”
Mikey shot a glance at their father who nodded gently. For once Don seemed to understand and was unsurprised by Gerard’s decision. Mikey scurried to the tree as if he were 5 years old again and pulled the comic from it’s brown paper sheath. It was a hand drawn booklet that depicted a brother duo fighting crime in their local neighbourhood. It was camp, it was silly, it was the perfect depiction of their relationship.
Mikey leapt to his feet and threw his arms around Gerard’s neck. “Thank-you.”
“Of course, Mikey. Sorry I couldn’t buy you a real present.” Gerard wrapped his arms tight around Mikey’s shoulders, making sure he committed this moment to memory.
“Don’t be stupid. It’s perfect.”
Donna didn’t return to the living room. She at least had the sense to leave him alone as he said his goodbyes to Mikey and Don.
“I’m sorry you can’t stay,” Don said as he hugged Gerard at the front door.
“I am too. But it just wouldn’t be right.”
“I understand. I’m proud of you, son.” Don said it so quietly that Gerard almost didn’t hear the last word.
His heart launched into his throat. “Thank-you, dad.” He choked out before closing the door behind him. Maybe it wasn’t the perfect fairytale ending that the night could have had, but he felt content. He’d certainly not expected such a warm welcome from his dad. In 18 years he couldn’t recall a time that his father had ever told him he was proud of Gerard.
Gerard pulled his coat tight against him as he walked down the road back to Ray’s house. The winter wind was cutting and snow was soaking through the cuffs of his jeans. He hoped that the Toro’s wouldn’t be too put out that he was back early and before dinner.
As Gerard approached the Toro house he spotted a pile of blankets with a curly mop of hair poking out from them huddled on the porch seat.
“Ray, what the fuck are you doing out here? It’s freezing!” Gerard scolded as he took the stairs two at a time.
“Mikey called because he forgot to give you his present. Cocoa?” Ray offered up a steaming thermos with his mittened hand to Gerard.
Gerard accepted the thermos and poured himself a mugful of hot cocoa. With his knee he pushed aside the blanket enough that he could snuggle in against Ray’s side underneath the blankets. “I don’t see why that means you’re sitting outside in the fucking Jersey winter on Christmas instead of inside with your family.”
Ray shrugged and dipped his head. “It just seemed important to be here when you got back. Do you want to talk about it?”
It was Gerard’s turn to shrug. “Nothing to say really.” He took a sip and savoured the warmth of the cocoa as it travelled down his throat. “She tried to say it was my fault that I was upset about being kicked out.”
“That fucking cow.”
Gerard chuckled at Ray’s fury on his behalf. “It’s really okay, man, I didn’t expect anything different to be honest. She at least wasn’t vindictive this time.”
“I’m sorry, though.” Ray snaked an arm around Gerard’s waist and pulled him closer in an awkward sideways hug.
Gerard relaxed against Ray’s side and leant his head on his best friend’s shoulder. Through all the ups and downs of these past months and the years before that, Ray had always been so consistently there for him. “Thank-you for being here for me,” Gerard mumbled, his voice thick with the realisation of how much he truly cared for Ray.
With a shrug, Ray pushed Gerard’s head back up so he could look into Gerard’s face. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong.” Gerard laughed to himself and shook his head. How had he been so blind all these years. Everytime he was hurt, there was only one person who ever made him feel better. Of course no-one else had ever caught his eye, because he was already smitten. He had just been too preoccupied with the war happening inside his head and the battle in his home to realise how much he cared for his best friend. “I just realised I’ve been really dense.” He laughed again and without thinking reached out to squeeze Ray’s knee.
Ray’s cheeks flushed and he dipped his head away from Gerard’s eyes. “You’re not dense.” He mumbled, but didn’t look back.
Fuck, Gerard thought. Had he totally misread the room? He snatched his hand away. “Sorry.”
“No.” Ray reached out and removed Gerard’s mug from his hands. He stowed it safely on the window sill behind him before turning back to take both of Gerard’s hands in his own. “What’s going on inside your head?”
Gerard stalled for a minute, trying to compose his thoughts. He cleared his throat before muttering, “I just realised something that I’ve always known. Don’t worry, it’s not important.” The last thing he wanted to do tonight was freak Ray out and ruin this friendship.
A jolt went through him as Ray’s hand gently brushed his cheek before tipping up his chin and levelling his eyes with Ray’s. It felt as if Gerard’s thoughts were printed across his face the way Ray appeared to stare at him knowingly. With a cheeky grin, Ray indicated with his eyes for Gerard to look up. Hesitantly, Gerard glanced upwards and spied a small bundle of mistletoe which had been awkwardly secured above them.
“Did you put that there?” Gerard said breathlessly. Had he been so obvious? Or did Ray also feel like this? He knew Ray had had a crush on him, but that was before. It had never occurred to him that anyone could like him now. Or had he only thought that because he was struggling to like himself?
“Gerard, breathe.” Ray ordered.
Gerard found Ray’s eyes again and inhaled deeply. “I’m sorry if I’ve made you uncomfortable. I didn’t mean to be so-” Ray’s hand pressed against his mouth, cutting him off.
“Dude, for once in your life, try not to feel like you’ve done something wrong. Tell me if I’m being stupid. You can tell me to get fucked even, and I will sleep in another room tonight. I’m sorry if this ruins our friendship, but I can’t spend another night with you laying next to me without telling you how I feel.” Ray’s hand shook slightly as he removed it from Gerard’s mouth. “I love you, Gerard. I’ve loved you as a friend for as long as we’ve known each other. But seeing you find yourself has made me realise that it’s definitely more than that.”
Gerard felt like his heart was about to pound out of his chest. Surely he was hallucinating right now. Things didn’t work out for him. Life was hard, everything was always a struggle. Good things don’t happen to people like Gerard. And yet -
“Will you kiss me already?” Gerard said. He didn’t think, he just moved. He stopped worrying, stopped ruminating on what if, and just leant in.
Ray eagerly met his lips and knotted his fingers through Gerard’s hair. They pulled back after only a minute, their foreheads resting against each other.
“You have no idea how scared I was that you wouldn’t feel the same way.” Ray told him.
“Of course I do.” Gerard pecked Ray’s cheek, just to check he wasn’t dreaming.
“But you told me you weren’t gay.” A grin danced on Ray’s lips at the memory.
“I don't know that I am. I just know I want to be your boyfriend.” Gerard kissed Ray’s lips gently again before pulling back. Now they had crossed that bridge he didn’t want to ever leave Ray’s side.
Ray nuzzled into Gerard’s shoulder. It was his turn to be self-conscious. “But why me?”
Gerard squeezed Ray. The answer was simple, obvious. He was surprised Ray didn’t already know. “Because you loved me for who I am when no-one else could.”