Chapter Text
Guilt. Denial. Anger.
It was a cycle Mikey was all too familiar with.
Why did things turn out this way? Why did he let the sweet whispers invade his mind, deluding him into a fantasy? The answer was clear.
Mikey is weak.
Weak to his desires, weak to the things he loves, weak to Takemichi. The throne that people held him so tightly on, it was one made out of lies.
Mikey was never meant to be happy, everything he ever loved was ripped away from him. Family, friends, including his heart, they were all ripped to pieces, Mikey was truly torn.
Never he had something like this- hope. When he came into Mikey’s life, it was like a light, he was so bright. Mikey could do nothing but flock like a moth to a flame, instantly, he knew he was in deep trouble.
Takemichi was so kind , so warm , caring like no other, Takemichi was mesmerizing.
God. He was so disgusting. He wasn’t supposed to feel this happy, he wasn’t supposed to feel ecstatic at the thought of Hina’s heart hurting, at how Takemichi had a chance to be his .
But he had to resist, he couldn’t.
The guilt was eating him alive.
Mikey knew he could never have him, Mikey would never be able to be with him, he tried to rip the feelings out of him, desperately he wanted out . Because he knew he wouldn’t be able to handle it.
It worked, for a while that was. Distance, making sure to slap himself when he thought something remotely romantic of the other bleached hair male, Mikey made sure to burn any thoughts he had of him away. That’s how he survived all these years, he hid them all away, even if they were begging to be set free.
They came at full force when Takemichi relied on him . Not anyone else! No one! Just Mikey! Takemichi trusts him more than anyone else!
Hina already had her time to be with him, why did she get to feel the joy of being with Takemichi and he didn’t? Why wasn’t Mikey the one with him? Why was Mikey always left behind by the ones he loves?
This time, he wouldn’t let go.
So Mikey held onto him with a vice-like grip. It was fine, right? It must be since Takemichi didn’t mind being with him, only Mikey could help him! For once, Mikey indulged himself.
This is happiness.
But…if they were truly happy, why did Takemichi try to leave him? Why was Takemichi trying to rob him of this happiness?
Ah.
Mikey was never deserving of happiness.
.
.
.
“You are.”
Mikey looked up to Ryouta, who had put her pen down now assessing him intensely. “I’m speaking as a person, not as a therapist. You are deserving of happiness.” She’d lean back in her chair, her usual strict expression was now soft- an understanding one.
“If you rely on someone else to make you happy, why aren’t you trying to find it yourself?“ “I’ve tried-“ “Have you really? Can you tell me honestly right now that all these years you spent suppressing, you looked at other ways to be happy instead of seeing Takemitchy as your only source of happiness?”
Mikey remained silent.
“I can only be straightforward with you, and I want to make one thing very clear. What you did to him wasn’t okay, you used his very fragile mental state to bind him to you, you coerced him and manipulated him, isolated him from his friends,to be frank- you emotionally abused him.” The words cut through Mikey- it really did sting but…
It was a huge wake-up call. There were no excuses, no trying to justify what he did, what Mikey did was irremediable.
“I know. Right now I’m still…I still want to see him..is it so bad to want him?” Mikey said soft- he wanted to be honest, even if it got him in trouble. “It’s not a bad thing, I’m only pointing out your mistakes because Mikey,” She cleared her throat. “You aren’t in the right mind to understand what you did. You’re experiencing guilt, you’re accepting that you know what you did was wrong but…” It looked like she was trying to find the right wording. “Seeing Takemitchy might cause another relapse in your obsessive thoughts. I’m not saying you can never see him but..I am recommending you a higher level of care.” Mikey’s eyes widened, scared that Ryouta would stop being his therapist- “I know that look, no I won’t stop seeing you but this is something that needs serious work on.” Ryouta instantly eased him, Mikey looked relieved.
A part of him denied that anything was wrong with wanting to be with Takemitchy, that after all he’s been through- didn’t he deserve at least some sort of happiness? Why did everyone want to take it away from him, why did everyone have to meddle-
Mikey shut those thoughts down, and with immediate awareness he knew he did need help. These thoughts were dangerous, they were spiraling, and just like before…Mikey knew he couldn’t do it alone.
Although sometimes it felt like his mood was the same, Takemichi knew things were changing.
When Chifuyu had entered his room, he expected Takemichi to be asleep, maybe even mindlessly watching TV. But there he was, angrily solving a puzzle with Peh-yan, alongside Hakkai and Yuzuha. “Oi Chifuyu! Help me convince these idiots the puzzle piece goes right there!” a tired look came from Takemichi as Yuzuha huffed. “Are you dumb or stupid?! If it doesn’t fit there why are you trying to force it there- give me that!” Yuzuha grabbed the puzzle piece from him, her eyes trailing around the puzzle as she then put it in the correct place. “Woah, you’re good at this!” Hakkai said, amazed.
“Not as good as me though.” A proud grin formed on Takemichi’s face, everyone knew he was the puzzle king.
Chifuyu could feel his eyes a bit teary..not from sadness, but because of how happy he was. He knew Takemichi was far from being okay- but…seeing him so happy right now was truly an amazing sight. “Got room for me?” Chifuyu smiled, Takemichi rolling his eyes playfully. “Come on, you know I always got room for you! We used to solve these things together.” Patting the empty space next to him, Chifuyu joined in. It was loud- and the nurses would periodically ask them to be more quiet but for the first time in forever, Chifuyu had hope.
Biting his nails, Chifuyu waited. He waited until Peh-yan, Hakkai and Yuzuha were gone so he could talk with Takemichi alone. His heart was beating, he felt his palms sweat a bit at the thought of being alone with Takemichi but seeing how good the day went, his nerves eased a bit. “Um.” Chifuyu stumbled nervously, Takemichi turned to look at him, also a bit nervous. “I don’t want to push you if you aren’t ready but…you’re gonna get discharged soon and I’m…I’m really worried.” Chifuyu admitted softly, Takemichi nodded. “I know that you can’t really talk to anyone about…well almost everything you’ve been through.” A sad feeling entered his chest, truly hurting for his friend. “To be honest…I’m really fucking scared. I’m so scared of not being able to help you enough, scared that I’ll do something wrong…I’m really scared of losing you.” A couple of tears fell from Chifuyu’s eyes, he desperately wiped them away. “I don’t want to make this about me though,” he let out a wet laugh, “You deserve so much Takemichi, so much.” Nothing in the world could compare to what Takemichi suffered through for them.
“I...” Chifuyu turned to look at Takemichi, who looked ready to cry a river. “Sometimes it’s really hard to believe I deserve good things, which was why I mostly ignored what I was feeling…and with Mikey..” A bubble of anger arose in Chifuyu but he forced it down, not willing to let his anger get the best of him. “I really wanted to give up, so I didn’t care if he was using me, and…and a part of me felt needed when he was. In a sick way, I was using him too.” Takemichi smiled, although it didn’t reach his eyes. “My purpose was to make everyone happy, I didn’t…I didn’t mind being used if it meant others being happy-“ “Don’t say that!” Chifuyu cut in, clasping Takemichi’s hands into his. “I fucked up, I- I should’ve done more! You are worth so much more than a tool- I..I should’ve done so much more for you..maybe- maybe if I did you wouldn’t think like this about yourself…”
“Chifuyu, you shouldn’t blame yourself.” Takemichi sniffled. “You didn’t know how I was feeling so- how could you have possibly known? There was nothing you could do…” Pulling him into a tight hug, Chifuyu clung onto him, if anyone said he had snot dripping down his nose they were lying. “But…But now I want to try. I want to try getting better.” Takemichi squeezed him a bit, also crying hysterically. “I don’t want to feel this way, and…and I want to make things right with Mikey.” Chifuyu pulled away, he didn’t outwardly express his approval but his facial expression gave him away.
“Me too, I want to be a better friend to you.” Chifuyu smiled, wiping a bit of snot away. “And…maybe Mikey, but…it’ll take some time for me to trust him again.” Chifuyu admitted, Takemichi nodded understandingly.
“Thank you, you’re truly the best partner I could ever ask for..” Takemichi felt the waterworks coming once again. “You’ve always been so sappy, stop before I get boogers all over your shoulder.”
Things were going to be okay.
Maybe not now, or maybe not for a long time.
But slowly, things would be okay.
Takemichi couldn’t wait to see that day.