Chapter Text
At the beginning Beorn had no intention of letting his rabbit hang out with two dogs who were big enough to eat Bilbo for breakfast. Which meant that for a couple of weeks he had the grumpiest bunny known to existence on his hands, because while Bilbo had started out looking all desolate and woe-that-is-the-fluff-that-is-me, he’d changed tactics when the first one hadn’t led to any dogs in his immediate vicinity.
Meanwhile Dís had to deal with a genuinely upset Víli, not to mention two depressed dogs, and they all looked at Dís with big mournful eyes and whined (yes, Víli too) until she gave up and finally phoned Beorn.
“The pathetic levels in my house are through the roof,” she sighed, looking into the living room where her husband was curled up on the floor together with Dwalin and Thorin, petting their ears. “Is Bilbo also a sad mess?”
In his house across the town Beorn glanced at the furious bunny.
"Sad is not the word I would use. But he’s certainly not happy.”
“So how about letting him come over?”
Dwalin and Thorin both wuffed excitedly at this prospect, startling Víli whose hearing wasn’t quite up to par compared to that of the dogs.
"I hope your dogs know that Bilbo is my bunny."
As Beorn finished this sentence Bilbo demonstratively turned his back to him. Even his fluffy little tail looked grumpy.
"No one wants to take the bunny from you," Dís sighs. "But how about visitation rights?"
"Bloody hell,” Beorn groaned. “Fine you can have weekends."
Bilbo’s ears perked up, as did his tail.
"He says you can see Bilbo on the weekends," Dís called into the living room.
"How about holidays!?"
Beorn snorted, having overheard the shout. "Don't get too carried away."
-
“I’m never getting a date,” Kíli said mournfully to Fíli as they walked down the street, Kíli holding on to Bilbo’s leash while his brother had Dwalin and Thorin. “I look ridiculous. Why do you get to take the dogs and I get the bunny?”
“Because I’m older and wiser and stronger and-“
“Shut up.”
Bilbo found a dandelion and stopped to eat the leaves, Dwalin and Thorin stopping as well, watching the bunny with barely bated breath.
“Do you get the feeling that our dogs aren’t very clever?” Fíli asked.
-
“Since Thorin and Dwalin let Bilbo boss them around-“
“Not this again,” Kíli moaned, tossing a cushion in the general direction of his brother.
“No, but does that mean he's their alpha?” Fíli asked.
“This sounds even more creepy than before.”
“Shut up. I just mean that dogs are pack animals. And don't they always have an alpha in their group? Someone who decides stuff?”
“Yeah I think so, but if Thorin and Dwalin has one isn't that mum then? They do as she says all the time, even more often than they do what Bilbo wants.”
“Yeah, good point.”
-
Beorn almost had a heart attack the evening he went to collect Bilbo and found his bunny sitting on top of the larger of Dís’ dogs, bloodstains around Bilbo’s mouth.
“It’s just raspberry,” Dís said, patting Beorn’s arm. “He’s not gone rouge on us.”
“And your dog?”
“Dwalin?”
Said dog slowly raised his head, causing Bilbo to mutter a little and pat him with a paw.
“He’s just a little tired. He spent most of the afternoon protecting Bilbo from butterflies. We’re not sure why they like Bilbo so much, or why Dwalin dislikes it.”
-
“Bilbo where on earth have you been?” Víli asked, bending down to scoop up the dirty bunny. “Have you been underneath the couch? I'm sorry, I didn’t vacuum beneath it last time…” the blond confessed.
The rabbit sneezed.
“Poor little…” Víli lit up. “Dust bunny! You’re a dust bunny.”
Sadly there was no one in the room to hear his brilliant pun, and Bilbo just sneezed again and wasn’t particularly impressed.
-
“I’m glad you wanted to join us for a picnic, Beorn,” Dís said and leaned back against Víli.
“You say that as if you didn’t ask me until I said yes,” Beorn sighed. “Pass me the lemonade. And a carrot for Bilbo.”
“Don’t look,” Víli murmured. “But I think our youngest son is flirting with the pretty red-haired girl.”
Dís and Beorn immediately looked. As did Thorin and Dwalin.
“I said don’t look,” Víli sighed.