Chapter Text
Days are monotonous, as they always have been. But they are monotonous in a different way now. Dazai's heart feels light and unbearably heavy at the same time. He can name the odd feeling in his gut now, at least. Calling it love made the odd feeling become even odder. It hasn't stopped being 'the odd feeling' because it is still different, odd and unfamiliar. The feeling hurts terribly, in a way he has not hurt before. But Dazai thirsts for it the way an alcoholic thirsts for alcohol.
They haven't seen Chuuya since that Sunday when they both drank together. Dazai made so many mistakes that night he couldn't even start to name them all. The biggest one was when Chuuya demanded Dazai say they love him. When Dazai said it. It clouds his mind, pushing out thoughts of anything else. He can't concentrate on anything, not suicide, not annoying Kunikida. Everyone he asks tells him love is a beautiful thing, but can't say he enjoys this. It leaves his mouth dry and his stomach fluttering. This is something he'd ask Oda about. He'd ask Oda and Ango about what to do, and they'd give him some old sage wisdom. Something real and understandable. But Oda is dead and Ango is a traitor. So he'll have to fuck this up by himself.
Dazai has never put people on pedestals (maybe he put Oda on a small pedestal, but he was dead. Oda couldn't do anything to Dazai now), he always saw them as vaguely lesser. Not always of him, but always of something. There was always someone better. Dazai would never be perfect, but that was a comfort. AT least that's what he liked to tell himself. But he played with the idea that if he was a bit closer to perfect, a bit less twisted and cruel. Then Chuuya could love him a little. Dazai did not want to be perfect, but he would like to be close to it. To be flawed is to be human, if Dazai was perfect he'd be less human than he already was. He could keep a few faults, like how he can't drive or cook to save his life (not that he'd want to). But maybe if he was perfect then he'd be deserving of Chuuya. Chuuya was human, with all his flaws and quirks. It added to him, it didn't make him unworthy of love like Dazai's flaws did. Chuuya was so human. So achingly human that it made Dazai want to push his fingers into Chuuya's skin, just to see if his humanity was something Dazai could gain.
Chuuya and the agency were very different and very similar. The agency was bright. Clean in a moral sort of way. Chuuya was bright in an alive sort of way. Dazai never thought he fit in with the agency until he realised how his actions could be viewed. His actions were still underhanded, slippery and slimy. Yet in the outcome, they held that goodness he never thought he could achieve. He could make people happy, with his actions. Sitting in the agency now, with the quiet hubbub of chatter and keys clacking. He felt restless. His mind was wandering and jittery. He wanted to get up and move, walk around somewhere. Commit suicide with someone. If that someone had red hair, blue eyes, and a fuck awful hat, then that was his business.
His feet seemed to get up on his own, carrying him down the stairs of the building. His ears deaf to Kunikida's yellings about unfinished paperwork and a lazy bum. Who the lazy bum could be, he could never know.
The sun was shining, but thankfully it wasn't hot. It was rather cool, actually. That was probably the work of rain clouds hoving over the horizon. It was nearing the evening, Dazai did enjoy the evening. Despite the cool air, Dazai was sweating, because bandages despite their many uses, did not help when someone was sweating.
Dazai had never been to Chuuya's apartment building during the day. Not since he poked around and found the address. Yet he was standing in front of the towering building now. He's not sure how he ended up in front of the building. But now that he was here he wondered what the insides would look like, bathed in the light. Chuuya definitely wouldn't be there, so it should be safe enough to poke around. It's not like Dazai was there because they missed Chuuya. Right? Right.
Did Chuuya walk up these steps, open these doors? Walk past this doorman? Press this button on the elevator? Dazai couldn't stop. He wanted to know if Chuuya had touched these things. If his gloves had pushed open the doors, pressed buttons. He wanted those gloves to touch him. He wanted so badly to *touch* what he could not touch. To love what he could not love. Chuuya hated him after all. He regretted it greatly.
Chuuya's apartment was homely in daylight. It had an open feel to it, elegant yet tacky decorations adorned every space. There was even a Chuuya 2.0, but the height was a little off. A little bit too tall. The hatrack probably couldn't even put a hat on the top of his hatrack. Dazai found he adored every part of the apartment. It was all so...Chuuya. Dazai loved the small touches, even if it was a bit messy.
He spent what was probably too long just staring in giddy awe. Looking at all the art and the wine in the wine rack. Chuuya really was a marvel. Drinking how much he did. With how small he was, he must be at least 60% alcohol. Chuuya was just the best, even with his many vices. Dazai so badly wanted to have Chuuya adore him as much as he adored his wine.
Wasn't that depressing?
"The fuck are you doing in my house!?"
With his peace disturbed, Dazai spun around with eyes wide as he saw Chuuya standing in the doorway to a bedroom. He shouldn't be here, he should be working. But he looked a bit dishevelled, like he just woke up. Chuuya should be out and not in here. Not while Dazai was here, not while he was busy looking at Chuuya's house like a kid on Christmas.
"I wanted to say hello!" He finally manages to say, giving an awfully large smile to the man opposite him.
"And you've said it, so get the fuck out." Chuuya snapped, striding past him in his path to the door.
Dazai isn't sure what possesses him to reach out, grasp hold of Chuuya's wrist. To feel the soda like the fizz of Chuuya's ability against his skin? "No-" He starts, then pauses. He swallows, squeezing his arm around Chuuya's wrist. His head is so clouded he can't come up with something to say. So instead of some fantastical insult, he blandly says; "I'm sorry,"
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Seeing Dazai in his apartment was a nightmare and a dream come true. Listening to the words "I'm sorry" come out of his mouth, however, makes him want to reach for his gun.
Dazai doesn't say sorry. He might leave odd bits and pieces, or he'll make the work easy on you for a day or two. But he doesn't utter the words "I'm sorry." Hearing the words make Chuuya worry in a way he should not.
Chuuya's head snaps up to him, eyes burning. His words don't seem to want to come. It's as if they're demanding to fix this with words, not actions. Chuuya never was one to listen to himself.
"Sit." He finally croaks, watching in vague surprise as Dazai does just that. He's being obedient, that's...Odd.
Why would Dazai even be here, it doesn't make any sense. Surely he has work now? Or did he ditch, it's something he'd do. But that doesn't explain why he's here of all places. Chuuya's heart wants to explode when his mind considers the possibility that Dazai's here to see him. That Dazai ditched work specifically to come to see him. It's a stupid thought, but a thought nonetheless.
"...Why...Are you actually here?"
Chuuya wasn't sure why he asked. There's only one answer to the question that wouldn't make him feel like someone poured cold water down his back. But Dazai seems to always be striving to surprise him.
Dazai is silent for a while, the only noise is the hum of the fridge and the wind on the windows.
"Chuuya...What does love feel like?" Dazai asked.
He had an odd look in his eyes, something that made him seem just a small amount vulnerable. Dazai didn't do vulnerable though. So Chuuya must be mistaken. Dazai doesn't have that gleam in his eyes. He doesn't seem to be teasing, but that makes it all the worse. Dazai should know what it feels like, maybe he hasn't experienced romantic love. It has a small part of Chuuya whisper retribution. Chuuya doesn't like indulging that whisper. So Chuuya isn't sure how to answer them. He's not sure what to say, how to say it. But he wants to take a risk, so he does.
"Well...It makes your mouth feel dry, your stomach feels kind of like it's full of butterflies. It feels like the best and worst feeling in the world. It can...Hurt...Sometimes. It can hurt when someone you love..." Chuuya paused, pursing his lips before throwing himself on the couch. He leans back, heaving out a dramatic sigh before continuing. "When someone you love, doesn't love you back. It makes you feel like you've been split in two. Like you're missing something."
Chuuya sees Dazai's eyes light up in...Something. He'd rather not know. The sinking feeling in his gut is becoming worse. Dazai's asking him about relationship advice, Dazai loves someone. Dazai's just found out he loves someone because of Chuuya. Chuuya hates it. He hates it because it's so obviously not him. He wants Dazai to be his, and his alone. Dazai sees him as lesser, there's no hope there.
"I see..." He hears Dazai breath, a small smile gracing his lips. "...What would you do...If you loved someone, but they hated you."
"The fuck is this? Therapy? Fuck off Dazai, I'm not some relationship consultant. " Chuuya snapped, jerking forward and planting his feet on the ground. He points at where Dazai is sitting in front of him, eyes narrowed. "Why d'you want to know this in the first place??"
For the first time ever, Chuuya thinks Dazai looks genuinely nervous.
"Because I love someone, but they hate me."
Chuuya raises an eyebrow, blinking hard. Dazai loves someone, and they hate him? Dazai would choose someone that hates him over Chuuya. Of course, he would. He still doesn't understand Dazai's behaviour, but this explains the nervousness. But who could it be? Who could Dazai love so much they were nervous about the fact the object of his affection hated him. Chuuya wished it was him. Wished that it could be him that Dazai was nervous about. But Chuuya knew it wasn't. He wasn't a fool. It was still nice to dream. He could dream about hating Dazai, as if he could. It was like a curse, the more he wanted to hate Dazai the more he loved them. If only Dazai loved him half as much as he loved them.
"Okay...But why me? Why come here, in the middle of the day? Why tell me this like I'm some expert on this random person feelings."
Dazai seems to think that's funny because he gets that stupid twinkle in his eye. It looks off, though. it makes Chuuya feel like he was dipped and oil and can't get the residue off. Dazai's gotten over his nerves, his lovesick worry. Planting himself firmly and raving about.
"Because Chuuya is the best person to ask," He announces, swinging his arms around "I trust Chuuya!"
"You trust me??" Chuuya asks, and the shock must be evident because Dazai snorts and nods. Recovering his bravado.
"Of course, silly Chuuya. Why else would I lo-" Dazai's sentence was interrupted by him having a coughing fit. Recovering quickly to spit more bullshit at Chuuya, "Why else would I...Make you my dog!"
It feels odd, fake. Dazai's smile is plastic and all veneer. Chuuya doesn't understand. But there's something itching at him, it makes him feel giddy and terrified at that same time. Chuuya wants to tell Dazai. He desperately wants to tell him. He wants to tell Dazai just how much he loves them.
"You fucking asshole, you can't come in here and play with my feelings like that. Get out." Chuuya says instead.
Coward.
Dazai's face is alight with amused confusion, "Whatever do you mean? What feelings can my dog even possess? Not smart enough to have feelings complex to play with!" He sings, looking delighted with himself.
Chuuya can't stand this.
"Maybe the hatrack needs a walk!! I will get my magnifying glass so I can see you while I walk you to the dog park!"
Why does Dazai insist on being so dehumanizing, so demeaning and terrible? Why doesn't Dazai return his feelings? Why doesn't Dazai love him?
"Will you stop that!" Chuuya snapped, papery patients snapping further.
"You're right!" Dazai cried, his plastic fake smile stuck on his face. That's not what Chuuya wants. Chuuya wants them to look real. To hold their face in his hands and stare into their eyes. Their eyes that don't look dead, eyes that are alight with mirth and glee.
"YOu're right!! I need a double magnifying glass!!"
Dazai's voice is grating on Chuuya's ears, it hurts. It hear all of this. Because it just shows him how Dazai views him. How Dazai sees him as something less than human and so terribly ugly. How foolish he was, to believe that Dazai could ever love him.
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Chuuya is red in the face. He looks close to crying.
Dazai's said too much already, he's been stupid. He almost just went up and told Chuuya. Dazai really wasn't good enough for Chuuya. Chuuya could never love someone like him.
Dazai never wanted to set foot in this house again. His mocking was driving Chuuya up the wall, he needed an excuse to get out. An excuse that wouldn't leave him feeling like a coward.
Words and spewing out of his mouth, Chuuya is yelling back at him. Dazai is driving him further and further up the wall. Each word that Dazai is spitting out makes him feel worse.
It takes one more sentence to push Chuuya over the edge.
"Ahhh Chuuya!! I bet you wished it was dead!! Bet you hate me now! That's bad behaviour for a dog!"
"I don't wish you dead!!" Chuuya screamed, surprising Dazai enough to shut up.
Chuuya knows he should shut up, but the words have started to show themself. He needs to say something now or he'll never say it. He'll probably die in his twenties, and Dazai will forget about him. Maybe with this admission, maybe with this, he can hang onto Dazai memory.
So he spits out his words, his voice rising louder and louder.
"You don't know how many hours and days I spent hating you! Wishing that I could actually hate you! I wish I could hate you, I wish I could want to find your body dead in a ditch with a bullet in your chest. You're so demeaning and cruel, you don't care about anyone other than yourself! You could never know what it's like to love!! You could never know what it's like for me to sit there and fucking wish that you loved me! You're cruel, Dazai! Do you know that? You're the cruellest person I've ever met!!" Chuuya voice started to crack, he was still yelling. He looked pained, fists clenched by his side.
Chuuya's words meant something Dazai didn't know. He had insisted to himself that Chuuya hated him. To have that sureness so suddenly ripped away - it made Dazai feel untethered. Chuuya must be joking. Playing him the fool. He did feel like the fool around Chuuya. Chuuya made him want to lean forward, hold his face in their hands. Silence his anger and say something gentle. Something soothing. Dazai was terrible at being gentle and soothing, it was nice to pretend he could be.
If Chuuya loved Dazai half as much as Dazai loved Chuuya, then Dazai would die happy. It would never happen, but dreams are nice to have. He couldn't have Chuuya. Chuuya was just too bright, passionate and loyal. Dazai didn't deserve Chuuya's love.
"You shouldn't want that," Dazai said, voice small yet clear. "You shouldn't want me to love you, because...I can't have you... C'mon Chuuya, do you really want someone cruel like me to love someone like you?"
They could reason with him, if Dazai convinced Chuuya that he didn't love them. Then Chuuya would be happy, he wouldn't look at Dazai the way Dazai loves. Dazai wouldn't be able to chase after Chuuya's affections and disgruntled praise. It would be easier, to have his hopes dashed.
"You don't get to tell me who I should or shouldn't love!! Fuck, Dazai! I'm an adult I can decide for myself!" Chuuya yells. It doesn't make sense. Chuuya just looks angrier at Dazai's mocking reasoning. Dazai isn't sure what he said wrong. He pulled out his last card and now he has no more to play. Chuuya always banished all thoughts of rationality from his mind. Dazai feels lost in this moment, wanting to skip over the talking to the point where he gets kicked out.
"Maybe I was wrong," Chuuya continues in a subdued voice. "I thought that maybe I could show you, love, that maybe you could love me. I thought I could teach you how to care, but-"
Dazai couldn't stand to hear it any longer, he felt like Chuuya had reached inside and clutched onto his heart. Squeezing the life out of it with all his might.
"I want you to! I want you to...I want you to teach me how to care...Please? Would you teach me...Sensei?"
It makes Dazai feel small, laying out how he feels. Like he's handing an enemy a loaded gun and standing with his arms wide open. But this is no enemy, this is someone he thought was unattainable. Someone who is now in his reach. Someone he can have.
Looking at Chuuya is a challenge. He doesn't want to look up and see hate and disgust in that face. He settles for raising his eyes up, taking in stock of Chuyya's expression. He looks shocked, most of all. Chest heaving from his yelling a few seconds ago. Without the grating noise in their ears, Dazai's ears ring.
Chuuya's face stays suspended in shock for a moment more before it crumples.
Dazai shoots up, unsure of what to do but wanting to do something at least. His legs carry him across the room to Chuuya. His traitorous hand reaching out to touch Chuuya. He stops it in time, dropping it to his side and standing there. Lost, as Chuuya's shoulders shake.
Chuuya tips his head back, and Dazai sees no tears. Instead of sobs seeping out of his mouth, a watery laugh explodes from his chest. Dazai gives a confused and weak smile, tipping his head like a confused dog as Chuuya keeps laughing.
Chuuya must be mocking him, laughing at his stupidity. He must sound very stupid. He knows. Chuuya makes him feel like a fool.
"I would like to teach you." Dazai finally hears, and his mouth opens in surprise.
Chuuya must take humour in his stunned face, smirking at him.
"You...God damn fucker. I thought...You always treated me like shit. I don't forgive you for that,"
"I could earn it, Chuuya's forgiveness?" Dazai offers, wetting his lips and swallowing down his nerves. "I am sorry...I know that doesn't mean anything but...I wish I treated you better, when I was with you."
"You're with me now," Chuuya whispers, "You could start treating me better now. You'd have to do a lot better."
Chuuya looks so hopeful, his eyes shine in the evening sun. Dazai hadn't even noticed how late it had gotten. He probably only got to Chuuya's apartment in the late afternoon.
"I want to do better, I want to deserve you."
Dazai wants to see Chuuya look at him with fondness. Dazai can look at Chuuya like he hung the stars, if he did well enough then Chuuya might look at Dazai like they make the sun rise. Dazai would make the sun rise, if only he could see how Chuuya's face looks in the evening sun. Chuuya was always magnificent. He had a terrible beauty when covered in blood on the battlefield. Dazai hasn't seen this kind of beauty on Chuuya yet. But it's something that he could get used to.