Chapter Text
Lee Seokmin had the perfect family. Despite being the only child, he was loved dearly by both his parents.
He never felt lonely.
He was that kid.
The kid that scored perfect grades, the kid that his parents adored. The kid who had the closest and bestest friends .The kid who grew up with the love and support of everyone.
He was the kid everyone was envious of.
So, at which part did it go wrong?
At which part did Seokmin start doubting himself?
At which part did Seokmin believe his grades were the things that determined his self-worth?
At which part did Seokmin feel like breaking down every damn time he stares at his textbook?
Or every damn time he tries to study?
Seokmin doesn’t know.
“It’s ok sweetie, It’s fine if you don’t do well” Seokmin’s parents would always tell him. But all it led to was Seokmin fearing that he would disappoint his parents more.
“I’m sorry” Seokmin mumbled as went back into his room.
“You can do this” Seokmin muttered to himself as he took out his Mathematics Textbook and started his revision.
It was an important year, he couldn’t afford to mess up. At all.
Looking at the equations flooding his textbook, Seokmin couldn’t focus.
His mind was all over the place.
Taking a deep breath, he played some songs and forced himself to focus and study.
Just force yourself to study, he told himself as he continued staring at the questions, before ultimately breaking down again.
Why couldn’t he just focus and study.
Why couldn’t he just do it?
He used to be a top student, but what was him now?
A teenager who deals with anxiety and panic attacks, oh did he mention self harming?
“Self harm is just a form of attention” He could remember one of his old friends.
Therefore, Seokmin labelled himself as an attention seeker, beneath all the scars he had.
>>JOSHUA HYUNG<<
>>hi, i feel like I’m dead.
This text had appeared way too frequently for Seokmin good, as an incoming call came almost immediately.
“What happened Seokmin?” The older boy’'s calm voice passed through the phone as Seokmin forced himself to breathe.
“I don’t know hyung, I was just trying to do Maths and I didn’t know why I suddenly panicked and now my mind’s all over the place-”
“Seokmin, breathe” Joshua’s voice interrupted as Seokmin paused and begun crying.
It was always like that, hell, why couldn’t he just breathe?
“I’m sorry” Seokmin breathed out as he continued.
“I’m sorry to have to call you to deal with all my bullshit, I’m so sorry-”
“Seokmin, it’s fine, I’m willing to” Joshua said as Seokmin nodded.
“Ok Seokmin, it’s been a long day, so stop doing your work and rest” Joshua said firmly, rejecting all forms of protest.
Forcing himself to rest and breathe, Seokmin stared at the Maths Textbook on his table.
Feeling the ugly scars, Seokmin was utterly terrified. He knew he should seek help. But seeking help involved telling his parents that their sunshine son wasn’t having the best time and he didn’t have the courage to do so.
He didn’t exactly want to know what’s wrong with him.
Seokmin, your parents would prefer to hear it from you yourself rather than some stranger. Joshua’s words rang in his head as Seokmin thought what could possibly be wrong with him.But he definitely did not want and need his parents to know that their son was probably fucked up in 20 different senses.
Seokmin would love to think he is fine, other than his weak appetite and tendency to cry. And panic attacks.
Panic attacks.
He was having one now. Seokmin couldn’t stop shaking , all he remembered was screaming before his world blacked out.
The next moment when he woke up, Seokmin was in the hospital. He didn’t dare to speak as he stared emotionlessly at his crying mother.
“Why didn’t you tell us?” His mother sobbed as Seokmin looked away, staring at his arm which was bandaged.
“No..it’s our fault, how did we not notice you were suffering all along?” Seokmin’s mother cried as she left the room to calm down.
“Seokmin” Joshua’s voice said as he entered the room, looking at Seokmin, his heart aching at the younger as he forced himself to stay calm.
“It will get better, trust me , it will,” Joshua whispered as he rubbed Seokmin’s knuckles, pushing himself to hold it in when a single tear rolled down Seokmin’s eye.
His boyfriend was suffering, yet he couldn’t do anything about it. How he wished it was him instead.
“Seokmin, you mean the world to me, you know?” Joshua said as Seokmin held his hand, his grip tightening.
“You’re my little sunshine, my only sunshine, so don’t push yourself too hard, please?” Joshua begged as Seokmin’s grip on his hand tightened.
“I don’t love you for your grades, I love you for who you are. And I will walk through this with you. We can take baby steps to make you better” Joshua whispered as Seokmin nodded.
“I'm sorry”
“What are you sorry for? It's ok babe, everyone have tough times and we just deal with it all differently” Joshua comforted.
“Let's do it OK? Let's get better and be better” Joshua said as Seokmin nodded.
_______
“It's ok, we can do it “ Joshua comforted as he and Dokyeom slowly entered the therapy room.
“Good Job, I'm so proud of you” Joshua muttered as the therapist announced that Seokmin could rely less on the medication.
Seokmin was getting better.
“It's fine, we can get through this “ Joshua hugged Seokmin as Seokmin broke down again.
Seokmin was scared, but luckily Joshua was there.
“You did great, you're the best,” Joshua smiled as Seokmin nodded.
It was the last session, Seokmin had recovered fully. The session was only once a year now. Just to make sure Seokmin didn't fall back again.
“It was this period of time, when I learnt and realised, Hong Jisoo was the one I wanted to spend my life with” Seokmin concluded his speech as Joshua teared up, the ring on his ring finger gleaming.