Chapter Text
;;;
She cups Ezra’s face.
"Ni kar'tayl gar darasuum," she tells him. "Forever."
She says it as she hugs Hera, holds Zeb’s hand, pats chopper’s head.
;;
It will be okay. Kanan used to tell her that when she was hurt. It will be okay.
She repeats it in her mind even though the empire is so much bigger and they are so small because when she repeats it, it is like he is there- stroking her hair, holding her as she cries, telling her stories of time. It is like- his hand is on her shoulder, and his smile is still fond and proud, and he still laughs every time he sees her paintings.
So she looks- at the grass of Lothal, the leaves in the wind, the secrets in the breeze- at Ezra, next to her, at all the people around her as the colors of time and cloud over them like a haze of memory. If she looks close enough, she will see Kanan’s shadow slipping in and out of the fog, but of course she never does.
;;
"I know I can always count on you."
What does it mean?
She is as flickering as the light from the stars.
;;
A cloud passes in the sky.
Nothing.
A bird flies low over paths paved of stone.
Still nothing.
Ezra by her side, warm, sad, and colors of home. Light from between cracks in the wall, as it filters over her, onto her, into her.
Moments. All gathering towards this one.
;;
He hugs her. "You’re my best friend, remember? I’m counting on you."
"For what?" She nearly asks, but something always seems to stop her.
"Dye your hair purple would you? The black is kind of scary."
"What? Ezra what's going on?"
Is he-
"Be brave, Sabine. I know you can."
Letting go?
"Brave- Ezra what are you saying?
But he-
"Take care of Hera. Spend time with Chopper and Zeb."
Can’t.
"But you said we could run away."
"I don’t know, Sabine."
Who will she believe-
"Ezra you don't have to do this."
In?
"I’ll always be there if you find me."
If he leaves?
"Ezra please."
"We have to go, Sabine."
She looks at him, paints his smile in her mind. He is all bold strokes, dark colors, funnels of light. He is leaves in the breeze, the way she is the wind.
"Will you teach me the star songs?"
She asks.
"They are always there. Just listen."
But she
Can’t.
;;
And she watches him leave.
And it will happen- over and over and over again because he can't be gone. He said he'd stay. He said he'd
stay.
Liar.
He is a
liar.
How could he?
He left his lightsaber. He can't be gone. He'll be back tomorrow. She knows it.
Ezra always finds his way home.
He always saw when no one else did so he can't be gone because Sabine
can't-
let-
go-
And a wave overtakes her and she is left gasping for the oxygen that will never come and it pulls her in, and his name is choked cries on her tongue and he will never come.
Her fist hits the wall and the blood is stained because he's gonegonegone and he's not coming back even though he promised to
stay.
She sits down- sobs into what is left of his memory. She searches for the warmth that will never be there again. She searches for him because he is her best friend and she loves him more than anything and he was
just-
here-
yesterday.
And he bought starfruit at the market.
And he had his Caf with too much sugar.
And he spent his morning on the datapads with Hera.
And he fell in love with Meilooruns.
And he had Sabine for a friend.
And Kanan too.
And Zeb.
And Chopper.
But Kanan died.
And Zeb was quiet.
And Sabine was lost.
And Ezra was gone.
So he spoke.
And he said he would stay.
And she was a fool.
And she believed him.
And she was carried away in forever.
Until he left.
And now there is no one left to teach her.
And he loved them so much it was barely anything.
And he didn't tell them he was leaving.
He didn't tell them he would
stay.
He was nothing but a dream.
He was that secret that she had in the morning but left in the night.
And she doesn't even know if he is real.
So she curls up on the ground, and lets herself bleed and
it-
all-
shatters.
;;
She never told him that
He was her
Best
Friend
Even though
He told her
Every
Single
Time.
He said he was
Counting on
Her.
But she can’t
Understand.
It is
Blurry without
Him.
And all she has
To remember him
By
Are the memories
And they are
S l i p p i n g.
;;;
You have so
Many memories
You left behind.
;;
You are in the
Painting next
To Kanan.
And
My paint can’t
Seem to
Finish the colors
I used see around
You.
;;
I thought you would
Give me
A new
world.
I thought
That
We could
Live
Forever
Because
You said so.
Why did
You lie?
You
P romised.
;;
Where
Were you?
This morning?
You weren’t
With chopper
In the
Ghost
And you weren’t
With Hera
In the
Grass
And you weren’t with
Zeb during blaster training.
;;
You could
Have stayed.
Why didn’t
You?
Why did you let the
Purrgil
Take you away?
Even though we all
need you?
Why are
The memories in black
And white?
If you promised?
Were you just
That dream?
That I dreamt of
In the morning?
After I
Woke up?
Were you really there?
How real
Was your smile?
Did I ever
Reach out to
Memorize
Everything
About you?
Did you just exist in the
Breeze?
Will I
See you again?
In my dreams?
Will you
Tell me
To smile?
And brush my hair out of my
Eyes
To tell me it’s okay?
Because it is
Not
Without
You.
And your memory
Is fading
And the painting
Is still empty.
So
Will you just come back?
To say goodbye?
And them I can finish the
Blue of your
Eyes
;;
I can’t do this without
You.
You were my everything.
And I’ve lost you.
;;
I take care of
Lothal
Incase you try to come back
Or slip into a dream
Or litter my memories with secrets.
But you
Never come.
Why don’t
You?
Were you ever there?
Were you there
When I
Lost
You?
;;
Is this forever?
Will it
End?
Because it was
Supposed to be
You.
;;
I dyed my
Hair
Purple
For you.
And cut it short
Because it reminds me
Of all the laughter between your lips
And the colors between
Your fingers.
And everything you
Never told me.
And the lies that we lived with
And the
Loving
That we did
And the things you
Showed
Me.
Will you show them to me
Again?
If I forget?
;;
I tried
To remind Zeb
What
it was
like
But he never understood
The way you
Used to.
And he doesn’t laugh
With
The wind
And breathe the
Universe
The way you did.
;;
I miss you.
If I reach out
Will your fingers
Brush mine?
Will you hug me? And be
There for me
When everyone else leaves?
Because you
Promised
You would
Stay.
;;
Do you remember when
we cried
Together
And we
Laughed at the
Jokes that
Never happened
And when
We did things
In our memories
I can’t recall?
I remember
Every day
But
The memories are slipping.
;;
You are there
in the forever
You told me
To believe
In.
When I wake up on the
Ghost
Your fingers smooth
The creases
Away from my
Eyes
And linger
In all the corners.
But when I look back
You are
never there.
;;
Hera
Cries
At night
Sometimes.
She misses
Kanan
And you.
You used to
Make us smile
And
Pick us up
When we had fallen
You were
The hand guiding me
And the love I felt
For the world
And the
Colors I thought were
Mine
Even though they were
All
Yours.
;;
Ezra
I never thanked you
For loving us
The way you
Did.
And for staying for so
Long even though
We made mistakes.
And messed up
And hurt people.
I wanted to tell you
Hera is
Pregnant.
We are going to call him
Jacen Syndulla
Because you used to
Love the name
Jacen. And Kanan always said
That if he had a choice
He would
Be a syndulla too.
He will
Grow up
Without a father
And a big brother
To love
But we will tell
Him
The stories
To keep you
Alive.
And let Kanan in
Through the
Rays of light.
Because he always
Wanted a
Son.
;;
Ezra I finished
The painting.
We are family
In it
And love is what was missing.
So the crimson
Is there
In small
Paths between
Us
But you can only see it
If you look closely
At all the smallest hiding things.
;;
Ezra.
When you come back home
We will be there
To see the colors again
And heal what time
Has
Broken
So we wait
Every
Day
On Lothal
In the ghost.
But we
Never see
You.
Even though
There are pictures of
You
Over Lothal.
There are pictures of you
For
Everything.
And I
Hate
It.
;;
Ezra.
I should have never let you go.
I could have
Stopped you.
But I didn’t.
I could have gone back
For Kanan
But
I didn’t.
And you asked
Why people leave
Me,
And maybe it is
Because I keep leaving
them behind.
;;
I don’t cry.
There is nothing left in me
To cry for.
You took it
All with you.
When you
Left
Us.
When you
Left
Me.
I try to
Ask what this
Emptiness is
But nobody
Seems to
Understand.
;;
Ezra.
It’s okay.
I thought you might
Hurt
Because you
Left.
Because you hurt
Us.
And it’s
Okay.
It’s going to be
Fine.
We love
You.
You can
Rest now.
;;;