Chapter Text
My eyes shoot open, and I gasp for breath. My vision focuses and clears up, and I see that I have ended up in my bedroom once more.
So I survived.
I feel the softness and warmth of Karl jumping onto me. I feel the warm touch of another hand on mine.
"Poe! You're okay! You're okay! This is such a miracle... I thought you were going to die! I even had to call in Yosano to use Thou Shalt Not Die... Don't worry though, I didn't tell her anything about your situation or what happened to you."
Karl nuzzles into my neck. Ranpo grips my hand tighter.
Something's not right.
This should make me feel happy.
Why don't I feel happy right now?
Oh, I remember now.
I don't deserve any of this.
I don't deserve Ranpo's care.
I don't deserve Karl's comfort.
I don't deserve anything this good.
A surge of rage rushes throughout my body. Before the common sense in my mind can intervene, my entire body acts involuntarily. One hand shoves Karl out from on top of my body, and the other breaks free from Ranpo's hand. Before he can react, I stand up so abruptly that the bed frame trembles from the force and stomp towards the nearest wall. My left hand balls into a fist and thrusts towards the wall at full strength. Again. And again. And again. All the while, I'm shouting,
"Shit! Shit! Shit!"
I can't stop myself, no matter how hard I try. My knuckles start to visibly bruise and bleed. By the time I'm done with this, my hand will probably break.
"Poe! What are you doing!? What's gotten into you!?"
Ranpo's hands wrap around my waist, trying to pull me back. Karl helps him, jumping in front of me and trying to stop my hand, even though his claws are much too small to do so.
Their combined efforts are enough to distract me, but not enough to put a complete stop to my fit. I know that I might end up hurting them, but at this point I'm just a spectator of myself, not having any control.
"Just let me fucking go already!"
As I, or more accurately, 'I', turn around and yell this at him, his face of unadulterated distress and emotion catches my attention and snaps me back to my senses. The fact that there are tears rolling down his face makes my heart sink down to my feet. 'Guilty' doesn't come close to describing it. This is the man I've admired to the point of jealousy for unbelievably long, the man I'd give my heart to, the man I'd do anything for. And yet, I made him worry, I made him cry. I made him feel like he has to save me.
Yanking Ranpo's arms off of me, I dash towards the bathroom adjacent to my bedroom, locking myself in and curling up on the floor.
How did it come to this?
Sure enough, Ranpo comes to pound on the door.
"Poe? Open up! Please open up!" His voice is wavering with desperation.
The remnants of my fit of rage start to bubble up towards my vocal chords.
"GO AWAY! I'M NOTHING BUT A FUCKING MONSTER! A WORTHLESS CREATURE!"
"Please... at least talk to me..."
As if things weren't already shitty enough, my mind is getting loud again.
"You see what you did to him? He's out there drowning in anguish because of you. All because of you. If you didn't exist, he wouldn't have had to go through all of this. Just erase yourself from existence."
"At least say something... I beg of you..."
"Worthless scum. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die."
All my normal, everyday bathroom items turn into murder weapons against myself, luring me in a mocking tone to come and use them. Razors. The showerhead. Shampoo. Even the most innocent of things turned deadly.
Their mocking turns into screeching, causing me to let out a screech of my own.
"What happened!? Poe? Poe!? That's it, I'M COMING IN!"
The lock jiggles and the door flies open. Ranpo dashes towards me, still screeching like a banshee. Without saying a word this time, he sits down on the floor, grabbing me tighter than he ever had before, and pulling my head to rest on his lap. Utterly bereft of energy, I am left with no choice but to let him hold me. Inevitably, my vocal chords give out and my cacophony halts.
Now that my anger and frustration are gone, a wave of despair washes over me. My throat tightens, and water wells up in my eyes.
Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. You can't cry in front of him.
Ranpo softens his grip, tilts my head up and brushes my hair out of my eyes, and my attempt to hold my tears becomes as clear as day.
Instead of saying something like, "Oh no! Don't cry! Everything will be okay!", he pulls me close and lays my head on his chest.
"Just let it out. That's all I ask of you. Please, you've been hiding what's in your heart for too long. Please don't hide anymore." His voice is a soft whisper.
Fisting his shirt and burying my face in his chest, I finally let my true emotions out. Tears and sobs flow like a waterfall, and I don't try to stop them. Ranpo doesn't either, and instead strokes my hair gently, laying his head on mine. Perhaps he expects that this would go on for at least several minutes, and I do too. Contrary to that, my crying stops abruptly. I haven't been following the age-old adage of staying hydrated, so this is probably because I don't even have any water left to cry.
A pair of soft lips tenderly brush against my hair. Did Ranpo just kiss me, even if just on the head...?
"Good job. I'm so proud of you for being able to let that all out, I really am. You're so brave, Poe."
My eyes widen a little in surprise. Normally, he would have told me off for being so emotional, and his voice would be sarcastic and mocking. Right now... his voice is calm, its softness complementing the gentleness of his hands holding me closely to him.
"You must be so tired after all that... if you want, we can go to sleep and talk about this again in the morning."
A little bit of energy builds up inside me, just enough for my voice to work again.
"No... I think I'm ready to tell you now... but I'm not sure if you'll be willing to hear it all..."
He never diverts his attention from me once, even though my voice is raspy.
"Oh Poe... I don't care how long I have to stay here, you being open about your emotions, feelings, hardships, everything... That's much, much more important to me."
"But... your Ultra-Deduction is so amazing... it's way better than any deduction of mine... You said it yourself, you know everything."
Ranpo sighs profusely.
"My 'Ultra-Deduction' isn't a supernatural ability to begin with. Even if it was, I would still be human. That's what I am, human. You're human too, and despite my jokes or whatever, the truth is that I am no better than you. Humans don't even know everything about themselves, let alone others. We learn about each other by communicating. Right now, I really need you to communicate with me. That way, I can figure out how to help you, or at least know what you're going through."
Maybe he has a point... Well, here goes nothing.
"To be honest, I can't pinpoint where all these emotions and all this pain are coming from myself. If I had to guess, though, I'd say it's all coming from my own mind. Every chance it gets, it berates me. It kicks me when I'm already on the ground. It battles me by distorting my view of reality, constantly telling me that the people who care about me want me dead. Lately, it's been winning, and by a longshot. Even if none of what these voices say are actually real, they're loud enough to be really convincing. It's probably been this way for longer than I can remember, but everything that happened today truly brought out the worst in it."
Now that all of that's out of my mouth, my voice is extremely weak. This is a good thing, because I don't think he should hear what I'm about to say.
"Maybe they're right... maybe I should just die..."
His grip tightens, and he pulls me in for the biggest, and quite possibly the only cuddle I've ever had. He definitely heard.
"Poe... you mean so much to me... I can't lose you..."
His voice has gone from pleasant to bittersweet.
"But... I haven't done anything for you when you've done so much for me... All I do is make you worry and cry about me..."
Tears roll down both our faces yet again.
"Please don't say that... You already do so much for me just by existing... and I don't give a damn how much I have to worry about you or how many tears I have to shed for you...You know why...?"
This is a hard one. Even after everything Ranpo just said, he hasn't told me exactly why he cares so much.
"Um... because I'd do the same for you...?"
Ranpo shakes his head. Of course I was wrong.
"Well, that's one of the reasons too... There's another reason that's a whole lot more significant than that, though."
"What's that...?"
Curiosity is getting the best of me.
"Poe. You might not believe this, and I wasn't originally planning you to tell you this, but..." He takes a deep breath.
"I love you. And that's the understatement of the century."
Those words make me flashback to everything Ranpo has done or said to me. Not just today, but all the times before that too. From my burning jealousy and desire for payback after he bested me all those years ago, and how after I failed at that, I began to notice a lot more about him... From his cheerful disposition, to his intelligence, to the playful and childish ways he talks and acts... I was always drawn to him like a magnet. Was it really just admiration or jealousy? I used to think epiphanies only happen to characters in books, but an epiphany occurs to me right at this moment. The answer to that question is a big 'no'. I've already been honest to Ranpo about so much, I might as well be honest about the rest.
"I love you t-"
My confession is interrupted by his lips pressing against mine. My eyes shoot wide open in shock, but as the feeling of true happiness and love, things I thought I'd never experience, become more prominent, I close my eyes. All I want to do is savor this moment down to the last drop.
Ranpo wraps his arms tightly around me, and I do the same, and we achieve the least distance there can possibly be between two human beings. The joyful sensation of our hearts pressing together and beating in tandem also becomes prominent. We continue like this for the most blissful few seconds of my life, and then Ranpo pulls away from the kiss, even more breathless than I am, but his arms still tightly attached to me. He smiles warmly at me, and for the first time in forever, I actually give a big, genuine smile of my own. I open my mouth to thank him for everything, even though I am more than just 'thankful', but he stops me by putting a finger on my lips. Apparently, he wants to be the one to say something first.
"Wait, I still have more I want to say to you. Even though you love me back, I know you're wondering how I fell in love with you, and why I made you do this in the first place."
My cheeks are warming up. He doesn't know everything, but he still does know me better than I thought he would.
Before he begins, he softly places his hands on my blushing cheeks.
"You know just as well as I how distant I was to you... hardly spending time with you, mostly brushing you off saying that I was busy with the Agency, not addressing it when I first noticed your mood swings, even joking that I didn't know you after we first met again after all that time... I always covered it up with my sarcasm and jokes. Everyone always says I'm the most confident person they've ever met, but I'm never confident enough to share my actual, serious feelings... especially when it comes to you. Truth is, there's just so much about you that gives me butterflies, even if I always hid them. Your adorable voice, how you always come to check in on me even though I never did the same for you, the way you make your evil laugh seem as villainous as possible...and your smile. I've seen you smile many times, but it was never out of actual happiness, so when you smiled back at me earlier today... I swear I felt like the happiest man in the world... Also, I wanted to tell you just how much I worried about you when Karl first came up to me and showed me from outside your bedroom window how you were staying in bed all day with a face that made it look like someone had sucked the soul out of you... I thought I could solve it jokingly like I always do, so Karl and I came up with the plan to enter you in that silly dress-up competition. When I was doing that, I had no idea how much forcing you out in public would make things worse... Seeing you like that made my heart shatter into a million pieces, but I can only imagine how much harder it must have been for you. Today made me realize the hard way that not everything can be dealt with by using jokes... and I truly am sorry for making you suffer in the process..."
He's turned my cheeks tomato-red with his confession, which I can tell by the way he's looking into my eyes deathly serious yet also a tiny bit sad at the same time, is truly heartfelt.
Noticing the color of my cheeks, Ranpo apologizes,
"I'm sorry you had to listen to that speech of mine when you're already so worn out..."
To reassure him, I give him a firm rub on the back. He blushes lightly in response to this, a precious sight I will most certainly treasure.
"It's not your fault, dear. There is still one thing I'm worried about though..."
"Poe, you know I'm all ears."
"You're trying so hard for me... you're trying so hard to make me feel better... but what if I don't get better...?"
Ranpo places both his hands on my shoulders.
"Poe, there's always a light at the end of the tunnel. Yes, it's corny, but it's true. It won't happen overnight or with the snap of a finger, and it's my mistake for not realizing that earlier. It takes time, but just know I'll be there for you every step of the way, alright?"
I nod in agreement and try to say that I'll be there for him too, but my voice finally gives out for good and results in several coughs. Ranpo takes my hands in his, and then removes one of his hands to stroke my hair, then moving it down to my face.
"Oh my, you must be so tired... maybe you should get to to bed."
Heeding his words, I slowly try to stand up, but my knees wobble and give out. This time when I slip and fall, my head lands safely in Ranpo's lap. Turns out, I'm more exhausted than even I myself had predicted.
"Hmm... looks like I'll just have to carry you."
Well, I cannot protest about this being impossible due to me being bigger than him. I watch in awe instead as he moves one hand to the back of my head and the other under my legs, and stands up without much effort, carrying me in his arms.
When he makes it to the bed, he does not throw me down like a sack of potatoes, and sets me down on it as carefully as he possibly can. Going a step further, he tucks me into my blanket and kisses me lovingly on the forehead. I raise my hand to wave him goodbye, but he grabs it and puts it down.
"You really think I'd leave you to sleep alone after all you've been through today? Hell no!"
He walks to the other side of my bed and happily jumps in whilst giggling. Laughter truly is contagious, so I giggle similarly as he snuggles in close to me. He spoons me, taking on the role of the big spoon despite the stereotype of the big spoon being the bigger person.
We continue snuggling as Ranpo whispers random sweet nothings in my ear to me, who is still giggling like a little girl.
Karl walks into the room, and turns off the light when he sees us both in bed and about to sleep. He curls up in my bed too, careful to settle in at a distance from the two of us, so as not to disturb our being affectionate.
Ranpo whispers,
"I love you so much, Poe."
He falls asleep, which I know because of his snoring. It does not annoy me at all, so even though I know he cannot hear me, I whisper,
"I love you too, dearest Ranpo."
Closing my eyes and starting to drift off, I think of all Ranpo and I will doin the future. I think of him being there for me and helping me gradually overcome my problems and conquer my demons. In addition, I've come to realize that Ranpo has his own imperfections and is not the perfect being I thought him to be. As a result I, in turn, silently promise myself to help him in whatever struggles he faces because of them.
We'll do it together.
One step at a time.
*End*