Chapter Text
He felt the edges surrounding his vision closing in as they sat in silence next to each other on the couch. That couch held many wonderful memories for them, but this would certainly be one of the darkest. Agreeing for him to move out, spend less time with Makayla, was not how he envisioned this conversation going. The day’s events had changed Adam, wisening him up all too quickly about how fleeting life could be and where his priorities truly laid. He went into it with himself wide open, ready to accept whatever structure or changed Kim thought were best. But even with many years of well-earned cynicism under his belt, It’s been working without you was the last thing he expected to hear. He knew it was probably time for him to stand, gather some things, move on in some way to whatever the next step was in this parting of ways that was already breaking his heart. But he felt anchored in place, unwilling to put the actions into motion that would make it official.
“If you wouldn’t mind, I’d like to tell Makayla,” he murmured after a couple long, quiet minutes. Feeling the need to justify himself, he added “I know what it’s like to think a parent is making a choice for something other than you and I don’t want Makayla to think I—” He cut himself off, the emotion catching up in his throat. “I just want to tell her why, if I can,” he finished shakily.
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He felt like he was doing some fucked up version of the walk of shame, minus the sex. It was amazing how quickly the things that gave you roots somewhere, even if not permanent—clothing, chargers, a razor—could all be stuffed unceremoniously into a bag for beating a hasty retreat. Except this was no ill conceived hookup, this was Adam having dared once again to make the never advisable decision to go all in on his future. It had never worked in the past and it didn’t this time either. As usual, it left him more hurt and alone than before.
Kim made awkward use of herself while he packed, absentmindedly straightening pillows, rewashing mostly clean dishes and checking her email. There was no instruction manual for how to occupy yourself as roommate-love of your life-child’s emergency guardian cleared out, and she didn’t want to make it any more painful than it already was.
He left a couple of shirts and sweatshirts that he knew Makayla liked to drape herself in no matter how oversized, either for dress-up or just to be cozy as well as some he knew Kim had liked on occasion once upon a time in the not too distant past. Old habits, as they say.
Other things he wasn’t so sure about—his waffle-iron, and electric blanket, to name a couple. He had a feeling he’d be needing them a lot more than Kim and Makayla in his new location, but he still couldn’t bear the thought of Makayla in particular without them so ultimately they stayed.
His hands shook and his heart pounded as he did it, but removing her apartment key from his ring was the final piece. He was hoping to never do so again—to be in the same place as her, as them, from then on but as always it was not in the cards for him. It seemed like maybe not a bad idea to hang onto his copy for emergencies, but the last thing he wanted was to make Kim uncomfortable lest she assume he was trying to maintain any sort of access against her will. Besides, it was hardly fair for him to assume he would be the one she wanted to have that key for emergencies; it could be any number of other people.
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He stood in the doorway awkwardly, multiple bags flung haphazardly over his left shoulder and just his phone and water bottle in the right.
“Well I guess that’s all.” He broached gently, allowing her the courtesy of maintaining the illusion she had not been watching him out of the corner of her eye the entire time. The time and space that stretched between them was interminable—her inside, him just out. No words passed for what seemed like forever as they stood before each other. How could mere words do any justice for the enormity of what these two people have loved and lost together. He gave her a small smile before turning to leave.
He cleared his throat with great effort, needing to say what came next but not sure how. “Listen uh, I hope you know this already but if you or Mak need me for anything—” He stopped himself as their eyes met, realizing the delusion of what he was saying. “I know you don’t,” he finished quietly with a break in his voice, “But if you do, you can always call.” Kim nodded furiously in return, and it gave him satisfaction on some level he was not proud of to see tears in her eyes as well.
Adam turned his back to leave, content he had said what remained on his heart. “Adam,” she called out to him a couple steps into the hall. He turned back in surprise. “Don’t forget to use the gel on your shoulder later, the doctor said you have to do the full course.” She mumbled it out quickly, like she was afraid the window was narrow. “And you can always use heat too if you’re in pain, I think that’s been helping you.”
He smiled sadly at her in return. How unfair that this love between them never quite seemed to be enough. “Thank you, but you don’t need to worry about me.”
And with that, the door closed between them.