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It’s another day before she makes a move. She’s not quite sure what she’s waiting for. Sasuke is still recovering. She still has an opening.
She wonders when the moment will be right. She wonders if there’s a right moment to kill your best friend in the whole world, or the stranger he grew into.
Even now, she wavers. She’s tired of wavering, but maybe that’s just who she is. She doesn’t want to think much about that.
She’s tired. She’s so tired. She knows this is not the answer.
This is the only answer she’s fucking got.
The opportunity presents itself the next night. She helps Sasuke unwrap the bandages from around his eyes, watches him blink owlishly and knows he hasn’t gotten any sight back, not yet. The new eyes make her shiver.
Sakura is not stupid. She knows very well that even in this state he might be able to beat her. She knows there’s a very good chance of it, in fact. She has never been as powerful as her team, and she has done her best to make peace with that.
Because even if they will always be stronger in raw fucking power, she will always, always be stronger in mind. They could never do this. And that is why she must.
Kakashi told her once, when she was younger, when they were all younger, that she was the foundation. That they would always lean on her. At the time it made her feel special.
Tsunade told her once that if she wanted to be a medical nin she must be prepared to hate her team. She didn’t understand it then. She understands it very well now.
She banks it all on the idea that he’ll hold back the same way she has. That he will falter the same as she has. That it will give her enough time.
This is just as much about her destruction as his.
She knows he’s not asleep yet. His breath hasn’t evened. She gets up as quietly as she can, then makes her way over to him and shakes him gently.
She’s not sure why she wants to do it this way. Maybe she owes him at least this much. Maybe she’s just weak. Maybe he deserves a fighting chance. Maybe he’s had enough stolen from him. Maybe he deserves someone’s honesty for once. Maybe some part of her wants him to fight back and fucking kill her.
“What is it?” He asks, sitting up. She quirks a disarming smile the way Sai’s never been able to, then remembers he can’t even see it. She almost scoffs at the ridiculousness of it all.
She’s not even sure what she wants to say. She wants to be honest, but she can’t quite do it. She can’t put him on edge. And that hurts.
“You were right,” she starts with, sitting beside him. “I didn’t come here to join you.”
He nods slowly. It’s not a surprise to him.
“I came for you. Because you’re my team.” She sighs. “Because you matter to me. Because you should know that no matter what, we would never leave you behind.”
The words sound wrong on her tongue. Because it should be true. It should be so fucking true. And it feels it. But it’s not.
She owes him honesty. If no one else has ever told him the truth, she will.
“And I came here because I had to.” Because I had to leave you behind.
He nods again. He opens his mouth, like he’s going to say something, then shuts it again.
“I’ve missed you so much, Sas.” It’s like I never saw you again, because I hate this you. “I just— I wish it were different. I wish all of this were different.”
I hate what I’m doing. I hate what you’re doing more. I don’t know how to live with this.
“I do too.” His voice is quiet. “There’s no other way it could have gone.”
There’s her confirmation, everything she’s been searching for. It should feel better. It should feel justified. It just feels all broken. It feels like she’s worlds away from him.
She grabs his wrist and pulls him forward into some sort of embrace. She holds him tight. He doesn’t fight it. She wishes she could read him.
This is it. She takes the kunai from her sleeve as smoothly as she can. For the first time, her cheeks are dry.
“I’m sorry,” she says. She wants to say more. She wants to say so much more. There’s no time. These past few days have felt so long, and now it suddenly feels so useless. Nothing she’s said has mattered, because now she only has another few seconds before he pulls away and she can’t wait any longer.
As a medical nin Sakura is well accustomed to death. She asked Tsunade, one night, if it got easier to see bodies, and Tsunade gave her a smile. You don’t want it to be, she said. That’s when it gets scary.
She thinks Tsunade is a fucking liar.
Sasuke makes a small noise in her ear. Blood spurts out to coat her hand. She holds him tight. He starts to struggle. She does not let up.
She knew where to stab to make it as painless as possible. It was not where would kill him fastest. She doesn’t have any time left.
“I’m sorry,” she whispers in his ear, and she hopes that if he ever believed her he’ll believe her now. “I love you. I love you.”
She should have known damn well it would take him a long time to die. For all she knows he wanted to, he always had so much fight.
Wanted. Had. She rolls it around in her mouth. It doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t feel right at all.
She’s not sure how long she stays there, holding him tight. It feels so cruel, to hold him then to let him go. This all feels too cruel.
The blood on her hand cools. She pulls out the kunai. She lays his body down. She can’t look at his face. She can’t she can’t she can’t.
She doesn’t want to let him go. She feels the sudden ridiculous urge to pick him back up and hold him more. She can’t look at him. She has to leave.
It’s strangely easy to leave. She wonders if one of the others had stopped her if she’d even have fought them. But she finds herself outside the hideout, and she’s out, and she’s running.
She trips. She sits in the dirt. And she screams. And she keeps screaming.
She’s still holding the kunai. She shrieks and throws it as far as she can. She feels suddenly that for all the world she’s just a little girl in the dirt sobbing about her best friend in the entire world.
She wants her team. She wants them back. She will never have them again. Not as they were.
She pulls herself to her feet. If there’s one thing she’s always been able to do, it’s pull herself up.
Once she’s back. Once she’s back with her team, everything will be okay. Oh, Naruto will never forgive her. She can only hope Kakashi will.
It doesn’t matter. As long as she has them. She misses them. She misses being twelve.
She wonders if Tsunade will have advice for this.