Chapter Text
Jeongin had never been the type of person that needed a lot of attention. In fact, he can be rather introverted, maybe even shy. When he joined JYP, it was out of his love for performing and expressing himself through singing instead of any innate desire for recognition.
That’s why he was fine.
He was fine with being one of the less well known members of the group. The less talented one. The one who’s hard work paid off less. The one who has to constantly work harder to catch up with the rest. It was all fine with him.
Or at least, that’s what he told himself as he practised alone in the practice room, legs burning as he went through the motions of Maniac for the 11th time that night. The other members have all gone back to the dorms (as they should seeing that it was 2am in the morning), getting the rest they need for their busy schedule later on in the day.
Jeongin pants as he frustratedly flopped onto the cold, glossy wooden floor of the dance room. His moves were too stiff. Not fast enough. Not so smooth. Honestly, it was getting ridiculous. He ran his hands through his sweaty hair and pulled on some locks. He was hypersensitive to the cool droplets of sweat running down his flushed cheeks and the fiery burning of his overworked legs. His lungs rose and fell rapidly in a mixture of exhaustion and anxiety. Fuck. Why can't he just perfect it? Did he have to be so damn useless? The deep inhales of air he forcefully took did nothing to appease his taxed lungs and it did even less to ease the panic that has gradually grown and snuck up on him. He needs to perfect this dance. He needs to. He’s not going to allow himself to fall behind.
like always
He tiredly reached towards his phone that was charging beside him and went into the bubble app, thinking the fans’ supportive messages would give him some encouragement. As he read through some of the messages, he did feel his heart lighten and a smile grow on his face.
‘Our beloved maknae I.N shined a lot in this comeback!’
‘Baby bread has turned into toasted bread!!’
‘When did you get so handsome?’
But as he was strolling through the messages, some caught his attention more so than the others.
‘I.N-ah, you've been eating well haven’t you? Your face has been getting bigger! Make sure not to turn into pig bread…’
ouch
Sure, he’s been eating a lot more than he had when he debuted but he didn’t think it was visible. Frowning, he decided to look at more messages from this user.
‘I.N, you’re really quiet in interviews. You have to put in more effort like the other members, okay? Don't freeload off them.’
he was too tired to talk. too tired to do anything these days
‘Your vocals are okay I guess but your dancing needs some work. Try to focus more on that alright. It’s not like you have a lot of lines to practice anyway.’
he was trying though…
‘You seem really happy but sometimes stress is good too. The other members are constantly improving but you’re always just having fun. Work hard iyen-ah.’
this person is right
Jeongin knew that he should just stop there, but with his curiosity came a lack of self control, and so he continued to stroll through the dozens of messages from that user. A lot of them compared him to the other members (they say the group was better off without him. is it?) and a lot of them were just general comments on his skills and appearance. The sweet tone of the messages were sickening and made Jeongin nauseous. Quite frankly, Jeongin should be used to this type of criticism (and he was. the constant lurking he did on naver and youtube told him enough about how he was viewed in the group) yet, having his insecurities and fears affirmed to him still hurts everytime. It still cuts deep, each criticism cutting him down more and more until they were the only things that mattered to him. Until they were the only things on his mind (like it has been for months). With a deep sigh, he carelessly tossed his phone to the side.
Truthfully, he knew that his hard work would never be fairly rewarded. He knew that there were other members with more eye-catching visuals, members that had stronger stage presence, a better physique and more stable live vocals. He knew that the countless extra practices that he did overnight, will never be enough for him to catch up. The others were far more talented, far more deserving of any praise and attention. He was happy for them. He really was. He was fine with being the shadow of the group. The one that made everyone else look brighter in comparison. He doesn’t mind.
but it still hurt
Jeongin pressed the palm of his sweaty hands to his eyes, the cool texture of his palms a welcome contrast to the tears that burned behind his eyelids. ‘We have a shoot later on in the day’ was what he told himself as the tears threatened to slip out. The makeup stylists will definitely have something to say if he turns up with swollen eyes. He took another deep inhale (it burned), willing the tears to stay back and sloppily positioned himself on the ground in a fetal position, laying on his side and pulling his knees up all the way to his chest (his chest burned). A minute of rest wouldn't hurt. His eyes slipped shut and his brain felt foggy. The sound of Maniac in the background became annoyingly repetitive.
It didn't matter though; he entered dreamland not long after.
And if hot droplets of tears did run down the side of his face, creating a harsh rhythm as it hit the glossy surface of the floor?
Well…
who was there to witness it?
Nothing in particular woke him up. Jeongin peeled open his crusty eyes and blankly stared up at the khaki-coloured ceiling. It took him some time but he was able to slowly discern the catchy beat of Maniac and eventually realised that he accidentally fell asleep. He lethargically reached for his phone and turned it on to see the three large, blindingly white digits that stared back at him.
3:04 am
i couldn't even stay awake
Jeongin shakily stood up on his two feet and went to turn the music off. The sudden silence in the practice room was deafening, but it was a rather pleasant change from the constant loop of their comeback song. Left feeling groggy from the short nap he just had, Jeongin stumbled towards the bench and started collecting his belongings, deciding that he was in no mood to continue practising.
(he’s never in the mood. he’s never in the mood for anything)
its only 3 am
that’s pathetic
And sure, Jeongin is stressed, but it's not a big deal. Everyone’s stressed. His problems don't matter in the grand scheme of things. His tears don't matter more than anyone else’s. Actually, they matter less because he is weak. The thought of that simply crushed his heart. There’s no value in his sweat and tears, no value in anything of his at all. His hard work doesn't matter if no one recognises it. His hard work means nothing if it doesn't produce results.
and it wouldn't because i’m just not good
Swinging his bag across his shoulders, he made his way out of the JYP building. The dorm was not far away, he could still catch some shut eye if he went home now. However, without any conscious thought, he found himself walking in the opposite direction of the dorm.
He walked slowly and mindlessly, following a straight path. His legs moved and his body just followed. Every step he took, he could feel his mind sinking deeper and deeper and it became harder and harder to think. His surroundings felt like a blur, like everything around him was being fast-forwarded and he was being left out. He did not think about anything other than the next step his feet took. No- actually, he didn't think at all. He felt like he was watching himself, like he was outside of his body, looking down on himself and not being able to control anything. His head filled with static and all his thoughts faded to the background. It was kind of like being underwater and simultaneously, up in the clouds.
The negative thoughts remained. The anxiety and the doubt. He didn't feel like they belonged to him though. They didn't feel real. He didn't feel real either.
(like if he disappeared, nothing would change)
He didn't know how long he walked. It kind of felt like hours, but also minutes, even seconds but eventually, his legs stopped. Every minute, he could hear the engines of passing cars. He looked up from his feet and was awed by the view in front of him. From where he was, he could see a panoramic view of the city. The city lights were reflected in the peaceful waters, creating a breathtaking glistening effect in the waters.
waters?
oh, he was on a bridge
He recognised that he was looking over the Han river. He put his hands on the cool railing and peered down at the waters below. It was too dark to see any fishes in the Han river, but he imagined there would be some.
i wonder if fishes have anything to worry about.
he pondered
being a fish would be nice
what what he concluded.
The crashing of the waves on the pillars of the bridge and the steady up and down movement of the waters lulled Jeongin into a trance. He let his mind drift off and in that moment in time, nothing mattered. Not the comeback, not the pressure or the expectations (not I.N and his pathetic emotions). It was just him, Yang Jeongin, the waters and his thoughts of becoming a fish.
Jeongin could have stared at the waters forever. He would have, if not for the ear-splitting engine of a travelling sports car that broke him out of his reverie. He took a look at his shivering hands. It was cold and their comeback was nearing.
i can't afford to get sick
does it really matter
‘I should call someone,’ he said to himself flatly. Maybe the chillness of the early morning and the icy feeling of the bridge railing had frozen over his heart. It felt kind of numb, like there were no feelings left.
poor fishes
the water must be cold
It was a vague thought.
He used his numbed, freezing hands to take out his phone from the pockets of his sweatpants and scrolled through his contacts. ‘Changbin knows how to drive. He can get me home’ he distantly thought, but his hands hovered over his contact. With the members, he was I.N and Jeongin. Not one or the other, but right now, he just wanted to be Yang Jeongin, and so, he kept strolling; he did eventually find someone.
‘YA, Yang Jeongin! Why are you calling this late at night?’ the familiar, teasing voice of his 01’ friend, Beomgyu, resonated through the speakers, cutting through the lonely sound of the wind on the bridge. Jeongin was pretty sure the volumes were on to a maximum yet his voice still sounded so muffled and far away. He pushed his phone harder against his ears. The realisation that it was still really early struck Jeongin too late. He wasn’t thinking.
‘Sorry. Did I wake you?’ The question was asked with a tone that can only be described as soulless . One that was monotonous and distant. So much so that Jeongin could barely recognise that it was him that said that.
‘i'm actually having night practice with my team right now, Jeongin-ah’
‘...’ there was a silence
‘You sound tired, did you just wake up?’ Beomgyu’s voice had a weird tilt to it and if Jeongin didn't know better, he would have thought Beomgyu was worried for him. He wasn't though. Jeongin was sure of that.
he’s probably worried for his comeback because you’re bothering them
(you’re a bad friend)
‘Jeongin-ah?’
‘Yang Jeongin?’
oh he hasn't answered
‘Hmm? No- i, uhm, it's nothing Beomgyu-ah, pretend i never called today’ he says but just as he goes to hang up, he hears the panicked voice of his friend call out his name.
‘Jeongin! Uh, it's okay actually. Erh, can you tell me why you called? I promise I'm not busy, we were just about to wrap up anyways. We can talk.’
why did I call him again?
oh
‘I was cold’
wait, this doesn't sound right
‘... you're cold Jeongin-ah? Do you mind telling me where you are? Yeonjun-hyung can drive you back to your dorm. I promise he’s a decent driver.’ In the background, Jeongin could hear shuffling and movement. It sounded rough on his ears compared to the eerie silence on the bridge.
shut your mouth and don't bother them
‘The bridge over Han river’ Jeongin dropped down into a squat and started fiddling with his worn down shoelaces. One of his shoelaces was untied. It must have gotten loose while he was walking.
‘…’ There was a pause
see, now he’s not saying anything because he’s annoyed
‘Okay, erm, we’re on our way there. Jeongin, please wait there okay? And please stay on the phone as well.’ Beomgyu replied after a few beats.
‘Mmhm, okay.’
‘... Are you- I mean, what were you doing there?’ Beomgyu tenderly asked.
‘I was just looking at fishes.’ Jeongin slightly whispered and he knew at the back of his head that his answers probably made no sense but all his thoughts just felt like white noise. Everything blended together and Jeongin could no longer distinguish what was rational and what wasn't.
‘I want to be a fish in my next life. I'll just swim in the Han river all day’ he continued softly.
There was another beat of silence (Jeongin hated it)
Finally, ‘the water there is dirty hyung’ was all Beomgyu offered before a natural silence fell upon them and the only sounds between them were the sound of traffic in the background and each other’s low breathing.
Jeongin didn't know how long he was squatting there for but it didn't feel long. His mind felt quiet. He relaxed and so he barely noticed the black starex van that stopped on the road in front of him. He recognized the friendly face of Beomgyu who stepped out of the van and approached him.
‘Sorry for maki-,’ was the only thing Jeongin managed before being pulled harshly into a hug by Beomgyu. Jeongin could feel the sheen of sweat on Beomgyu’s neck and his friend’s long hair ticked his cheeks and nose. It should have felt uncomfortable. Beomgyu leaned back and looked into Jeongin’s eyes. His brows were furrowed together and his eyes were glistening as the pretty city lights reflected brightly in his eyes, like they did in the waters.
‘Shit, you're freezing! Let's get you back to your dorms okay.’ Beomgyu sounded tearful. Beomgyu wrapped his arm around Jeongin's shoulder and walked him to the van. Inside the van, Jeongin slightly nodded at the person at the driver’s seat who he vacantly identified as Yeonjun hyung. Yeonjun gave him a small smile in response, eyes carrying comfort and careful concern. The warmth inside the van made Jeongin’s hands and face tingle as if they were thawing. At his side, Beomgyu quietly whispered, ‘I was really worried Jeonginnie,’ and as he leaned his head on Jeongin’s shoulder after gently slipping his hands into Jeongin’s own; Jeongin’s heart tingled and thawed. There was still a numbness there but now there was also a particular ache, a minor pain that squeezed at his chest.
‘Let's get you back to your dorm.’ Yeonjun gently commented before twisting the knob of the car radio and allowing the gentle tune of violins and piano to stream in. Jeongin glanced at the time displayed digitally on the car dashboard.
6:43 am
fuck, when did so much time pass
the hyungs are probably awake by now
The anxiety will probably creep in later, but for now, he was just too tired. He leaned his head on top of Beomgyu’s (he really loved his friend) and allowed his mind to drift as he stared emptily off into space.
The entire car ride was a blur and mostly silent other than the short conversations that Beomgyu and Yeonjun had from time to time. Jeongin had no mental capacity to follow along but he did make out bits and pieces of the conversation and did catch words like ‘his members’, ‘bridge’ and ‘called.’ Before he knew it, Yeonjun pulled the van over and proclaimed,
‘Jeongin-ah, We’ve arrived.’ Jeongin stared out the window of the van and looked at the dorm building which looked menacingly back at him. He felt a squeeze to his hands. ‘Come on Jeongin-ah. Let’s go up together.’ Beomgyu said as he opened the door on his side and stepped out, tugging Jeongin along with him. Jeongin did not protest and followed along , allowing his friend to guide and steer him wherever and however he liked. It was easier not to think anyways. Yeonjun turned off the car engine and stepped out as well, before approaching them and ruffling Jeongin’s hair affectionately. He took the lead and walked with them to the building elevators.
Every story the elevation went above, Jeongin started feeling anxiety slowly take a hold on him.
all of us are supposed to be getting ready for our schedule right now
you're causing trouble for everyone so early in the morning
what are the hyungs going to think
The ding of the elevator signalled their arrival to the floor where Stray Kids resided. Walking nearer and nearer to the entrance of their apartment, Jeongin could hear chattering and he squeezed Beomgyu’s hands tighter and tighter. ‘They’re going to be mad.’ Jeongin whispered, staring at the entrance of their dorm, not wanting to go in. Of course they were, he’s going to make all of them late for their schedule. Not only that. They’re probably going to call him inconsiderate for making Beomgyu and Yeonjun leave practice. ‘Hey, stop overthinking. Your members have nothing but love and understanding for you. Everything will be fine.’ Beomgyu piped up, quickly reassuring Jeongin. Without waiting any longer, Yeonjun pressed the doorbell and almost immediately, the door flew open and there stood Minho. There was a moment where Minho just stared and Jeongin simply stared back but not before long, Minho took a hold of both of his wrists and quickly pulled him inside the dorm. Inside, Jeongin saw that all the members of Stray Kids were there, blatantly staring at him. Shit, they must really be mad for all of them to be here.
Felix stepped forward and gently took Jeongin from Minho and Jeongin braced himself for the screams and lecture that he was certain he was going to get. He waited with a baited breath. However, what he didn’t expect was for his head to be tucked into Felix’s neck with one of Felix's hands on his neck, the other behind his neck. In the soft embrace of his sweet hyung, Jeongin exhaled and melted, hands cautiously reaching behind Felix to softly return the hug. Behind him, he could hear a conversation between Changbin and Yeonjun take place.
'So ya'll found him on a bridge'
'Yeah we did. He called Beomgyu when we were having dance practice'
‘Alright... Thank you for bringing him back to us. Ill treat you guys to a meal next time’
‘It fine, it was no bother. We’ll take our leave right now but take care of him alright. Ill text you later.’
‘Thank you… really’
‘Its really okay. See you around, we’ll be going.’
Jeongin heard a tiny ‘bye jeonginnie’ from Beomgyu, before hearing a light thud of the door as it closed. A hushed and still atmosphere quickly came over the dorm and Jeongin could almost hear his own heartbeat, thudding away mercilessly against his ribcage. The fog that clouded his brain earlier on at the bridge has mostly cleared away, making Jeongin more aware of his surroundings. Unfortunately, the awareness also came with emotions he did not want to deal with presently. He tucked his head further into the crook of Felix’s neck. He didn’t want to look at his hyungs right now. Hyungs who are probably sick and tired of dealing with his lack of talent and burdensome actions.
The silence in the dorm was broken by Chan.
‘Iyen-ah, can you please look at us,’ Chan’s voice was uncharacteristically soft, as if he was speaking to a wild, untamed stray fox. Jeongin did not respond or show any signs that he heard Chan, ‘iyen, please?’ (with them he was I.N, stray kids’ happy maknae, he’s not supposed to be Jeongin right now) . Jeongin felt the graze of someone’s fingers on his cheek, lightly stroking up and down. To his horror, Jeongin suddenly felt sadness cruelly grip his heart. He has been alone for so long, he didn’t need anyone to interfere or anyone to comfort him.
it’s not like they ever noticed anything before
Jeongin really wanted to slap himself for that thought. Why did he expect help when he’s never done anything for the group. He gripped the back of Felix’s shirt tighter and felt his breaths become more desperate and anguished. He felt trembles (was it him or yongbok hyung) and the desperate hold he was keeping on his tears rapidly became weaker. He felt strong arms wrap around his back, hands come between him and Felix which delicately covered his chest, like it was guarding his heart, protecting it.
but it felt like his heart has already broken
The fingers that were caressingly his cheek lovingly moved up, brushing away the stray hairs that covered his ears. He felt the soft delicate voice of Hyunjin in his ears, hot breathe hitting his cold ears with every syllable.
‘Baby bread, please talk to u-’ he started, before a loud, harsh sob abruptly interrupted him and stopped him in his tracks. It was a sob that sounded wretched, one that surprised even Jeongin himself. He really tried to stop crying. He really did, he swears, but following that wretched sob came more that were just as sorrowful and broken. Jeongin felt his heart radiate with pain, the suppressed pain and stress coming out all at once.
pathetic. pathetic. pathetic.
If you’ve ever drowned, you would know that the first breath of air you take when you come up burns. It’s all just pain pain pain. Jeongin felt like he was taking the first true breath he had taken in a long time. He has been drowning for a really long time.
months and no one saw
The sobs went on forever. He felt like it would have never ended. He didn't know why it hurt so much. Why was everything burning?
‘Iyen-ah, can you please take a deep breath for us.’ Was that Minho? Why did he sound so damn scared? He felt his hand being forcefully unclenched from Felix’s shirt (NoNoNo) but not long later, his palms were placed flat on a sturdy chest. ‘Breathe iyen-ah, just breathe,’ he heard Minho plead. The chest his hands were on rose steadily and slowly, the person taking slow exaggerated deep breathes. Jeongin tried to follow along, but with every inhale it felt like his chest was an overinflated balloon, like it was going to explode and yet, exhaling felt just as hard. The sobs that came out became softer, but more choked and more painful. His breaths were hitched and shuddering and it burned as well (not breathing almost felt better). Jeongin kept going, encouraged by Minho who was repeating ‘breathe’ like a healing mantra.
Eventually (it felt like an eternity), his sobs became less frequent and instead, most of what came out of his mouth were soft, high-pitched whimpers. The hand that was rubbing his ears moved below his chin, and he was coaxed to lift his face from Felix’s neck to look at them. He instantly made eye contact with Minho who was behind Felix, in front of him and saw that his own palms were on Minho’s chest, almost desperately gripping onto the front of his shirt. He saw that the hands underneath his chin belonged to Hyunjin (of course, his hands were so gentle). He turned his view towards Felix who had tears streaming steadily down his face (why is our yongbok-hyung crying?) before looking past Felix and Minho towards the living room area. There he saw Han, Changbin and Seungmin taking out pillows from their room and stacking them all up on the living room sofa. This meant that the person hugging him protectively from behind must be Chan-hyung.
fuck.
i’m so damn weak
He forced himself to calm down, hurriedly gathering all his spilled emotions and squeezing them into a pandora box where no one would be able to see it (suppress it). The pandora’s box was too tight of a fit. Any disturbance would cause it to break open again. Likewise, his emotions were still too raw, too vulnerable. He shifted in Chan’s and Felix’s arms (don’t show them any more).
get away before it breaks again
‘I- uh, should get ready for our schedule.’ He tried to sound firm, but his trembling voice gave his feelings of anxiety away. He detached himself from Chan’s and Felix’s arms and pushed them away, body turned to face the direction of his bedroom. From the corner of his eyes, he could see that Minho and Hyunjin shared a concerned glance before Hyunjin reached out to grab his wrist. ‘Actually innie, let’s talk…’ Hyunjin’s eyebrows furrowed together, looking regretful (Jeongin was regretful too. How did he let them see him like this).
‘We're going to be late, hyung’, Jeongin pushed. He wanted to dig a hole in the ground and disappear, hide somewhere where nothing can touch him, not even his own emotions. His bedroom was an appealing choice.
‘I’ve already called the manager to tell them to change our schedule a bit.’ Chan piped up (and see what you’ve done Jeongin? caused trouble for everyone again. You never learn do you?)
‘Tell him to change it back. Let’s go’ Jeongin retaliated, weakly trying to pull his wrist away from Hyunjin’s gentle grasp but Hyunjin had a real death grip on him.
‘No iyen, our schedule is already cancelled, we’re talking. Stop trying to run away.’ Han who had been silent up till then spoke up, voice demanding. It seemed to Jeongin that running away was all he did these days. It’s no surprise the other members were sick of it.
‘No.’ His tone was biting.
‘Innie, please stop being stubborn.’
‘Let’s talk after our schedule.’
‘There’s no more schedule. We want to talk now.’
‘But I don't want to.’
‘You know you’re being unreasonable right now.’
‘There’s no reason we have to talk now.’
'Do you know what we were thinking when Yeonjun called us to tell us that you were on a bridge in the middle of the night?'
'I don't care because you probably thought wrong'
‘Well, I'm not so sure about that because you’re clearly upset right now.’
‘And so? Why does it matter to you?’
At that, Han was stunned into silence, mouth opening and closing like a fish. Jeongin knew he was being uncharacteristically vicious and brutal in his choice of tone and words, something which he has never done before. It was evident from the shocked faces of the other members that they never expected to see this side of their usually sweet and precious maknae. To them, I.N was never cold, never full of angst. I.N was their ball of happiness and warmth. He was like the sun itself.
That was I.N though. Jeongin, on the other hand, was frequently anxious, frequently bitter. Sometimes at the other members, sometimes at the entire world itself but mostly himself (because sometimes anger was better than sadness although in the end, both hurt all the same).
Jeongin took advantage of their shocked silence to rip his wrists out of Hyunjin’s grip and quickly sidestepped all his hyungs to get into his room. Changbin immediately stepped forward like he wanted to physically stop Jeongin but Seungmin held him back by gripping his shoulder. In a really quiet voice, so much so that Jeongin was barely able to make his words out, Seungmin told Changbin, ‘drop it hyung, let him calm down first’. Jeongin briskly walked into his bedroom, barely holding himself back from running and flung the door close, causing a disruptive ‘bang’. In the privacy of his own bedroom, Jeongin let himself collapse onto the floor, sitting with his back leaning against the door and knees up to his chest. He let new, fresh hot tears leak out of his eyes, bit his lips and covered his mouth with his hands to stop more sobs that threatened to come out from his throat. He also pretended to not hear the hushed whispers outside of his room.
‘I’ve never seen him act like that.’
‘Guys, let's not panic. We’re just going to spook him even more.’
‘Shhh, let’s not talk here.’
Jeongin heard footsteps outside before there was silence. Shit, he was messing everything up. He started thinking over the way he acted just now and regretted treating his hyungs so harshly. There was no reason for him to have been so disrespectful and cold. He slowly closed his eyes and knocked his forehead on his knees a few times. He was too tired to deal with all these right now. He leaned his head on his knees, placed his palm on his chest, softly patting it in a form of self-comfort.
you’ll be fine
you’ll get through this alone
you don’t need anyone
he will get through this like how he always had before. he was sure of it…
(so why did those words sound more and more like lies?)