Chapter Text
ALRIGHT, so I’ve been meaning to write this one for a while but I have accepted that it not going to happen in full-fic format. So, here, the old “this isn’t a fic but oh wait it’s turned into a bit of a fic” format (a petals classic):
So, the key of a CP HP AU is that, in general, you have to get everyone in the same House because that’s how the quidditch teams work. And a quick glance (I haven’t read them bc I try not to read aus im going to write for fear of transference) tells me that others have done Hufflepuff and Gryffindor but if you know anything about me, you know there is nothing I love more than dismantling the last vestiges of anti-Slytherin prejudice that still lingers in everyone’s subconscious. (*cough* Untamed *cough*)
Basically, I’m going to put everyone into Slytherin. Cuz I can. So here you go, you have:
Jack Zimmermann, son of Bad Bob Zimmermann, a quidditch legend. He played Beater for the Montrose Magpies and is known for creating and coining the term “Scoring Beater” due to his skill at using his beater’s bat not only to control the bludger, but to hit the quaffle through the posts at incredible distances. It starts out as a trick play but turned into a legitimate scoring strategy. Most importantly for our story, Bob Zimmermann was the Captain of the team for his final two years of Hogwarts, won the House Cup for 4/6 years he was on the team, and is generally regarded as one of the finest flyers ever to come out of Gryfindor.
Yes, Gryffindor. Bad Bob Zimmermann was a Gryffindor. In fact, all of the Zimmermanns in the history of Magic have been Gryffindors.
Until Jack Zimmermann. Already dealing with the pressure of dominating in quidditch little leagues, Jack Zimmermann came to Hogwarts and then in a moment that didn’t quite seem real, the Sorting Hat was put onto his head and screamed SLYTHERIN before it had even finished it’s downward descent. The Gryffinders started clapping before they realized what had happened. The Slytherins didn’t start clapping because they assumed there was some mistake. Some claimed that the Hat must just be a bit tired (it was the end of the alphabet after all) and it made a mistake. It is said that this might be the only time Headmaster McGonagall broke her calm exterior during a Sorting Ceremony and tried to put the hat back on a student’s head.
But, eventually (when the Hat just turned and huffed at McGonagall and the Slytherins finally started cheering), there was nothing left for Jack Zimmermann to do but walk over to the Slytherin side of the Great Hall and plop next to B. Knight, already wondering how on earth he was going to explain this to his parents. Even his mother, who was a Muggle, knew enough about Hogwarts to know that Slytherins were the worst.
Of course, in the weeks/months/years that follow, Jack Zimmermann realizes that he is, in fact, a Slytherin. Goal-oriented? Ambitious? He is all of those things. And, actually, he is a lot of things from the other Houses as well because, really, what person can be reduced to just three or four traits and isn’t it a bit ridiculous that eleven year olds are just sorted into Houses and then basically conditioned to view themselves in a certain light throughout their formative years and–
Well, wait. We’re getting into Shitty.
B. “Shitty” Knight, whose Pureblood family was also all Slytherins and who would have loved to “pull a Zimmermann” and not be sorted into the House everyone expected him to go to. But, Shitty loves arguments more and if cunning doesn’t describe Shitty, nothing does. On any given day, Shitty can be found arguing that the Houses are psychologically damaging to children and should be done away with completely or that the prejudice against Slytherins is entirely unfair and leads to self-fulfilling prophecies and look, their founder was problematic,sure, but if you are from Britain and you don’t think your founders were problematic, then he doesn’t know what to tell you.
Or he can be found getting into fistfights with anyone who dare taunt Jack Zimmermann about what a disappointment he must be to his family.
Or he can be found on the Quidditch pitch. Where he plays Chaser, along with Jack Zimmermann.
Other members of the Slytherin Quidditch Team:
Ransom, who is still ambitious enough to have the Hogwarts equivalent of a 4.0 and plans on taking over Mungo’s one day. He excels at every subject, but loves Potions and Herbology the most. He was Muggle-born and continues to prefer Muggle clothing over robes and is often found arguing with McGonagall about whether or not he should be allowed to wear a snapback as part of his uniform.
Holster is from a Magic family (though, not Pureblood, there are a fair number of Muggles who married in and they don’t bother calling the non-magic kids Squibs because it’s sort of a 50/50 shot) and if you had asked him before he boarded the Hogwarts Express what house he belonged in, he would have said Hufflepuff (because they seem chill) but if you were to ask him 5 minutes into the train ride (where luck would have it, he sat next to Ransom), he would have said “whereever Ransom ends up.” He went so far as to patiently explain this to the Sorting Hat.
Of course, because “Birkholtz” is before “Oluransi” in the dictionary, he not only had to explain his wish to be sorted into a House with his friend, but also had to describe his friend (who, for the record he had known for a total of about 3 hours) to the Sorting Hat in great enough detail that the Hat could essentially Sort him before ever meeting him.
This led to a rare “Hat Stall” where Holster sat up front conversing with the Hat for almost a full 10 minutes. By this point, the Hat had already decided to put Holster in Slytherin (because what else can you do with a guy who is willing to argue for ten minutes with a magic all knowing hat who would have originally put the guy in Hufflepuff in about two minutes but will not stop arguing his point and Slytherins are nothing if not loyal to the rare person they decide they like). Luckily, Holster’s description of Ransom held up and the Hat took one look in Ransom’s ambitious little brain and heard him say “I want to be with Hol–” and screamed Slytherin before he had to listen to another 11 year olds ramble about his new best friend.
Holster and Ransom now play Beaters on the Slytherin team. Ransom manages to work himself into a panic attack at least once a semester (Holster does not know what they are going to do about OWLS or NEWTS) and Holster’s primary problem remains that because Hogwarts does not allow electronics, he falls miserably behind on all his muggle television shows every year. He is still looking for a solution.
Lardo, aka the “You will do what I say because the force of my glare is that strong and so help me I am busy so you better not bother me and yes, I am an artist, but I am actually not chill about art because I will be the best artist even though I actually hate art wait, no, I love it” got Sorted into Slytherin with absolutely no problem whatsoever. She now plays Seeker because she is small and fast and loves that she has the power to end the game whenever she wants.
Also, if you think anyone can fake out the other Seeker better than Larissa Duan, you are wrong. The girl once made another Seeker crash into his own teammates head. She hadn’t even moved toward the guy. Just looked in that direction and let a small smile flick onto her face, which the other Seeker tore after without a second thought.
OKAY, now we all know who we are waiting for.
Eric R. Bittle comes into Hogwarts knowing pretty much nothing about the Magic world. He is a Muggle who kept meaning to read Hogwarts, A History or one of the other books on the “Don’t come in knowing absolutely nothing about Hogwarts! (Seriously, Just because Harry Potter did it does not mean that you should)” Booklist that was put together by someone named Hermione Granger (but named by someone named Ron Weasley) and sent along with his Hogwarts Letter, but… well, if he was going to boarding school, he had a lot of pies to bake. And reading all those books seemed like schoolwork and… well, Eric R. Bittle has never put schoolwork before baking in his life and it is technically summer and he’s sure he will just figure it out when he gets there.
Of course, it his just his luck that Bittle is first in the dictionary his year so he is stuck going first, putting this hat on his head, dealing with the fact that the hat starts talking and–
“A lot here, a lot here,” the hat mutters. Bitty jumps. Then remembers to be polite.
“Well, thank you,” he says.
“Just think it, dear, this is supposed to be a private conversation.”
“Oh!” Bitty replies. With his mind. “Oh, okay. Um, how are you?”
He is still not sure what is happening.
“Good, good,” the hat replies. “Well, we can cross Ravenclaw off the list, no offense. The other three though… A hard one right off the bat!”
“Oh, goodness, sorry!” Bitty says.
“No, no, I enjoy the challenge. Let me just sort through here.”
Bitty goes quiet because he knows his Mama hates when he talks to her when she is concentrating and–
“A baker?” the hat says. “Any good?”
“I can make the best pie you’ve ever tasted even if you ain’t got nothing but canned fruit in your pantry.”
The hat chuckles, “I like the confidence. Confidence and resourcefulness and you know, underneath here you’ve got some anger here, Eric, did you know? Anger and protective instincts and oh yes, you will be great, won’t you, Eric Bittle? Especially if I put you in–
SLYTHERIN!!”
The last word is said aloud and Bitty isn’t quite sure what just happened but the hat is pulled off his head and the table on the far side starts clapping and chanting and so he heads over there. Sits down next to one of the largest humans he has ever seen and his daddy coaches rugby.
“Name’s Holster!” the giant booms out. “And this is Ransom!”
Ransom is sitting across from Holster. At least the girl next to him seems to be normal sized.
“Lardo,” she says, grinning. “And over there is Shitty and Jack.”
“GREAT TO HAVE YOU HERE!” Shitty yells, shoving back Holster, so he can see. “Welcome to the best fucking house in the world! Even though Houses are social constructs and-”
“Not yet, Shitty,” Lardo says. “Give him a chance to bask before you ruin it.”
“Fine. Jack… Jack!” Shitty has to yell because Jack is not paying attention to the sorting at all. Jack is doodling quidditch plays on a spare bit of parchment. Jack is only a 4th year but is already the Captain of the Slytherin team. Jack does not really care about the tiny 1st year that the Slytherins have just acquired. (The Hat was right to put Jack in Slytherin four years ago. No one does one-minded focus like Jack Zimmermann). “Jack, be nice. Say hi. Break stereotypes.”
“Hi,” Jack Zimmermann grunts. “Good to have you.”
“You a Muggle?” Someone else asks from down the table and Bitty doesn’t know how to answer that but he doesn’t have to because Shitty has turned and is demanding to know why on earth that would matter and obviously he’s not if he’s here and dammit, Melvin, we are trying to break stereotypes so just go ahead and shut your mouth and–
Shitty gets loud enough that he gets glared at by McGonagall and Melvin says something nasty under his breath about Shitty that has Jack looking up and snapping, “Shut the fuck up, Melvin, before I make you.” and Holster and Ransom and sitting up straighter and nodding seriously, Lardo glaring and casually pulling out her wand and–
It occurs to Bitty that he should have declined Hogwarts’ offer.
*^*^*^
Look, guys, I really don’t have time to write a whole fic right now, but imagine what happens with this:
Bitty continues to confuse the ever-living fuck out of everyone as to why he was put in Slytherin. He is the nicest boy ever to exist. He goes an introduces himself to the elves so he can use the kitchen and brings back pies. His mother was America and from the south so he has a bit of an accent and says things like “oh gosh” and “lord!” and “gracious, I didn’t see you there!” Everyone in his year loves him and he is often invited to other Houses and he comes out as openly gay and all the boys flirt with him and–
Ransom and Holster loves him the most though. They love him literally the most and since so much of their time is taken up by Quidditch (You better believe Jack has them flying every single day), they tell Bitty he should try out for the team. (the no 1st years rule has long been done away with by now, though it is rarer. The Slytherins are a young team though, in general. In part because Jack Zimmermann was clearly the best and a lot of older guys didn’t particularly want to play under a young kid who was going to make them practice 3 hours a day, also because there are some big shifts happening in the Slytherin house and some kids weren’t on board with it.)
Anyway, the point is, they are looking to fill a Chaser spot and Ransom and Holster convince Bitty he should go out for it.
Of course, when Bitty turns up to try-outs, Jack takes one look at him and says, “We already have a Seeker. Also, have you actually flown before? Ever?”
Shitty pulls Jack aside and tells him to stop being a jerk and so Jack sighs and lets Bitty tryout and on the last night of tryouts, Jack sits in a corner with Shitty, trying to figure out his final lineup and Shitty notices Jack is just glaring at Bitty and–
“Dude, what’s your deal with him?” Shitty says, taking a frankly disgustingly big bite of pie. “You were the hardest on him all week.”
“I was not,” Jack says. Shitty glares at him. Jack sighs and shrugs. “I just… I don’t get why he’s here.”
“He’s not a bad flyer,” Shitty replies. “I mean, no technique yet but his instincts are good. Great Quaffle handling too. Probably from playing a bit of rugby. His dad coaches, you know.”
“No, I mean…. I don’t get why he’s here,” Jack says, gesturing. At the moment, Bitty is wearing an apron while trying to practice a potion. Ransom is helping. Bitty is singing with Holster while he works. “He’s— he put up curtains in the common room, Shitty!”
“Dude,” Shitty says, sounding reproachful. “Dude, is this… is this a homophobic thing? Because that is not cool man and–”
“What?” Jack says, dragging his eyes away. “No! What the– Fuck, Shitty, it’s not that!”
“Then what are you saying!?”
“We’re Slytherins!” Jack says. “We’re… c’mon, Shitty, we’re the bad guys! I mean, I know, I know, you say we’re not but still… there is no way he belongs here. He should be in like… Gryffindor or something! Hufflepuff at least.”
“Jack,” Shitty says and then waits for Jack to look at him. Because Jack has looked down at his notes and his quill is shaking, his hand is curled around it so tight. “C’mon. Outside.”
“No, Shitty,” Jack tries, hunching his shoulders. “Not tonight. I gotta finish this. I know. I shouldn’t think that way. I’m wrong, you’re right, we’re not bad people, just let me–”
“Nope,” Shitty says and then drags him out. “Up and at ‘em.”
Because, of all of them, Jack has the most internalized Slytherin-hate. Shitty came from a pro-Slytherin family and maybe they were pro-Slytherin for the wrong reasons but at least he didn’t grow up with the constant narrative that he was the bad guy. Ransom had no pre-conceived notions, Holster didn’t care, and Lardo seemed to enjoy defying all the stereotypes, but Jack… Jack had listened to a certain stories his whole life. And those stories were always “good guy gryffinder saves the world from horde of cruel slytherins” and even if his family didn’t mean to group all slytherins in with that, it happens. It’s a rough stereotype that Shitty believes the school doesn’t do enough to combat. They had spent a grand total of about 5 minutes on Regulus Black in history class. (Or at least, they would have if Shitty did not derail the class by demanding the full story be told.)
Basically, Slytherin hatred is still out there. And the problem with the subtle Slytherin-hatred that permeates Hogwarts is that it can turn into self-hatred.
Especially for Jack Zimmermann. Who seems prone to that anyway.
So, starting their first year, whenever Jack gets down about being a Slytherin, Shitty drags him outside (away from the dungeons– seriously, why would they think that keeping kids in a dungeon was going to improve self-esteem?? It’s one in a long line of things Shitty wants to change about Hogwarts) and they talk it out. Or at least, Shitty talks until Jack relaxes and then they talk about other things and sometimes Jack circles back and says thank you and sometimes not and–
“I know,” Jack says as they sneak out and head to the quidditch pitch. It’s technically too late for them to be out of the Common Room but that has never stopped them. “I know, Shitty, Slytherins aren’t bad guys. But–”
“But?”
“But, c’mon, you gotta admit that Bitty is the least Slytherin person ever.”
“Why?” Shitty presses. “Because he is happy? Bakes?”
“He… he doesn’t even curse, Shitty! He sings to himself in the shower.”
“Holster does that too.”
“Holster at least hates almost everyone.”
“Hatred is not a Slytherin trait!!”
“You know what I mean!” Jack says. Shitty blinks at him. “I don’t know, Shitty. He just… he just bothers me.”
There. He’d said it. Bitty bothers him. He is just so happy and everyone already loves him and he doesn’t even realize he was put in the worst house and–
“You know what I think?” Shitty says.
“No,” Jack mumbles, even though it’s not true. He does want to know what Shitty thinks. He has always found Shitty fascinating. Shitty has helped him more than he cares to admit.
“Well, I think that you don’t like him because even though he is brand new, he is the best Chaser we saw this week and you know you should put him on the team.”
Jack groans. It’s true.
“I also think you don’t like him because he challenges all your stereotypes about the Houses and you are still a little too invested in upholding some kind of order.”
“Shitty.”
“It’s more comfortable when people act how we think they are supposed to act,” Shitty continues and then smiles to let Jack know that he is done being serious. “But, not as exciting!”
“He’s still too chipper,” Jack grumbles as Shitty rises and he follows.
“You could use some chipper in your life,” Shitty replies, pulling out his wand.
“I thought that’s what I had you for,” Jack grumbles.
“You always need more, Jack Zimmermann. Always.”
Jack rolls his eyes and sighs and raises his wand because every conversation with Shitty ends the same way so,
“Accio Broomstick!” they both say at the same time.
Their brooms come flying out of the storage unit and they hope on and play for an hour.
The next day, Jack puts Bitty on the team officially.
*^*^*^
(Okay, for real, GOTTA STOP THERE. But imagine, someone crossing someone Bitty cares about, maybe Ransom or Holster, and Bitty just destroys them and everyone is like… oh shit. Bitty is a Slytherin and Shitty (to Jack) is like “See! Are you happy! Our boy is a straight viper when he needs to be!!” and Jack, meanwhile, is just standing and staring and more turned on than he has ever been in his life.)
(Also, Bitty is afraid of Bludgers so Jack helps him through that fear.)
(Also, they make out.)
(Also, Shitty gets elected Prefect and then Headboy (first Slytherin since the war!) and gets in more fights with McGonagall/the establishment than anyone thought possible. Except for Jack. Jack knew this was always how it was going to go.)
(Also, I always say I’m gonna do this in my HP AUs and then don’t but I want everyone to imagine Harry Potter or Ron or Hermione coming to Hogwarts to give like… a don’t know a lecture? or a Defense against the Dark Arts lesson? You know something about what they went through and I want you to imagine Shitty being a bit prickly because the Slytherins are evil subtext gets bigger around this time of year and like… at least, don’t make the 1st year Slytherins have to go to this! This is just terrible and 11 year olds don’t have the mental ability to deal with the stress of that yet so… maybe he doesn’t say anything to the original trio directly because, hell, they were pretty traumatized kids too, but he holds a meeting in an abandoned classroom (big enough to fit all the younger Slytherins and anyone else who wants to come about how just because this happened does not mean that they are destined to be the villains or that they need to take on unnecessary guilt) (he makes a special point to talk to all the kid’s who’s relatives were on the wrong side of the war. especially those whose family members died, but are never supposed to grieve about their parents/grandparents because they were the bad guys.)
(GUYS I’m just saying that Shitty definitely runs some type of Slytherin Support Group and he runs it a lot from his own experience because his father is a terrible guy with some pretty terrible views that he apparently got from his father. But the only memories Shitty has of his grandfather are the man fucking loving his dog and letting Shitty sit on his lap and pet the dog and Shitty’s dad still keeps a photo of his dad and his dog in his robes so like, maybe, not everyone is all bad. So Shitty has to balance loving what he remembers of his grandfather, while also condemning all his actions, while also determining that he is not going to become bitter and angry like his father. Also Bitty doesn’t understand all the subtext going on, be he bakes pies for every meeting.)
(Maybe, Harry, Ron, or Hermione hear about it and turns up and… gosh, there are so many ways for that to go and I have to think about it more but basically, think about that too. Do they sit in the back and learn something? Do they then go to say something to Shitty afterwards and he is pretty defensive at first but then they are really nice? Does this inspire Hermione to look deeper into some of the Slytherin families that were torn apart by war? Does this inspire Harry to readjust how he views Slytherins even now? Does Ron just nod and offer to take Shitty out for butterbeers? Does Ron also use the opportunity to get Jack Zimmermann’s autograph and tell him to play for the Canons?? PROBABLY TO BE HONEST. PROBABLY.)
(Also, imagine Bitty and Jack finding the room of requirement. ;) ;) ;) )