Archive of Our Own ^beta

Twelve-year-old Kageyama Tobio sat hidden in a corner of his room concentrating on his parent's hushed voices.

“He doesn’t have any friends and that scares me. Where did we go wrong?” The muffled voice of his mother says to his father.

“We didn’t do anything wrong sweetheart. It’s his first year of Junior High he has plenty of time to make friends.” His father’s voice gets fainter as footsteps softly tap on the floorboards as he walks towards his wife.

“But he has the volleyball team. Shouldn’t they all be his friends?” His mother’s voice begins to sound desperate and shaky.

“Maybe he is just having a hard time talking and getting to know them. I mean he is quite shy, let's not jump to conclusions.” His father has always been that way, trying his hardest to console the people he loves.

“You’re right, I just have to worry. It’s my job as a mother.”

The talking dies off and there are only the sounds of slight sniffling and crying coming from both Kageyama and his mother.

Kageyama is now thirteen and he still doesn’t have any good friends. His volleyball team has begun to stop tolerating him, but it’s not his fault he wants the team to be the best they can. If they want to win they have to be fast.

He doesn’t speak to his parents much anymore. His father got a promotion and needs to travel a lot more. Kageyama only sees him rarely now, he’s lucky if he sees him within five months. His mother is still around, but she doesn’t worry about her son as often as she used to; Only speaking to him when he walks into the door getting home from school. He’s started to sleep more and he doesn’t care about things as much as he used to, with the exception of volleyball that is.

Last year of Junior High and Kageyama is just trying to make his team the best they can be. Everyone on the team says he’s either trying too hard or pushing everyone too much, so what? Maybe he has gotten harsher in the past year, but it’s his final year with this team and he wants to make it far as possible. Kindaichi and Kunimi have both given up on him and aren’t speaking to him. Kageyama now feels angry all the time and he doesn’t understand why. He was never this irritable before this year, and now even if it’s just someone repeating a question twice he snaps at them. He doesn’t want to be this angry, but he can’t help it.

His parents aren’t helping his anger either. Neither of them is home much anymore. His mother got a new job that takes up a lot of her time and the only time Kageyama talks to her is when they leave notes to each other for when his mother needs him to pick up some sort of groceries. Now his father, he never sees him anymore. Apparently, all his traveling and hard work has paid off to where he has gotten plenty of promotions and never comes home. Well, now his new home is whichever hotel he’s staying at that night.

He’s so damn short. Kageyama can’t help but underestimate him at least a little bit. He isn’t amazing, or good for that matter, but his reflexes are quick and he tries his hardest even though he knows that there isn’t a large chance of success. It’s admirable that even though this team seems to be so quickly formed with no real training, is trying something as big as this. However, it’s also quite sad that this misfit team’s first competitors were the best players there. Even though Kageyama wasn’t happy with the strength of his team, he knew they were stronger than this rag-tag group. The match was quick, only about 30 minutes, but Kageyama was shocked at that last play. It was lightning fast and too extraordinary to be performed by this small child. He marches up to the net, grips it tightly, and asks in a harsh tone what the hell that kid had been doing the last three years. The orange haired kid’s face gets defensive at the harshness in Kageyama's words. However, before he can reply the kid is being dragged away by a teammate and Kageyama’s being yelled at by Kindaichi so they go their separate ways.

The kid catches up with him after they started to leave, in the end, he confronted Kageyama saying that he was going to defeat him one day.

How ridiculous.

“It’s you?!” A familiar voice interrupts him mid-jump serve. The ball hits his head once and the only sound in the gym is a slight sound of the ball bouncing away.

Kageyama turns his head to the bright orange haired kid that was pointing at him accusingly.

It’s going to be a long year.” Kageyama thinks and stands up to greet the kid.

Hinata’s even more annoying the more as Kageyama gets to know him. He’s loud, obnoxious, aggravating, and doesn’t know when to stop asking questions. It’s like he’s oblivious to people’s facial expressions, tone of their voice, and body language. However, even though he’s all those things, Kageyama thinks he might be his first actual friend.

Somehow Hinata snuck his way into Kageyama’s life. It was fast but also slow at the same time. Unless you looked closely at the first months of school, and even a few after, you wouldn’t notice all the little things that began to happen between them.

Whenever the team sat with each other, Kageyama and Hinata always ended up sitting next to each other. During lunch break, Hinata would rush to Kageyama’s class and ask him to eat lunch with him in the courtyard. Eventually, it even got to the point where they saw each other often outside of school and volleyball practice.

They don’t have too much more in common besides volleyball and bad study habits, but that’s to be expected. Even so, they still find interesting topics to talk about. They slowly but surely get to know each other and the little habits the other does when they’re anxious, excited, worried, etc., what kind of music the other listens too, favorite bands and artists. Lastly, the scariest one for Kageyama: what his family and home life is like.

They’ve had plenty of sleepovers and hung out at each other’s houses before and it’s to the point where Hinata’s family is used to Kageyama and they’ve kind of taken him in as one of their own. However, Hinata’s family is completely different compared to Kageyama’s. Everyone is almost always smiling, Hinata’s mother is always around offering the boys snacks, helping them with homework, cooking, or playing with Natsu. Speaking of which, Natsu adores Kageyama. She wants to play with him constantly; she asks for piggyback rides every time he’s over, and she’ll beg Hinata for a turn to talk to Kageyama.

Hinata is one of the best big brothers Kageyama has ever seen. He’s not anything like you’d most likely expect. Even though they fight sometimes like any other sibling, Hinata gives Natsu everything. He gets her surprise gifts, showers her with affection, and plays with her almost every time she asked.

If Kageyama had a sibling he hopes he’d treat them like Hinata does.

The rest of the team has gotten close to Kageyama too. Even though they’re not as close as he is with Hinata, he feels he can trust them with a multitude of different things. Tanaka and Noya try their best to get Kageyama to be comfortable but also not as afraid or uncertain of friendly gestures.

Suga and Daichi are like parents to the whole team, but they’re also more attentive than the rest to notice when it’s one of Kageyama’s worse days. They try to help and let him play more and tell Hinata not to fight with him as much.

Even though Kageyama doesn’t trust Tsukishima and Yamaguchi with pretty much anything personal, they’re not bad people in the slightest. The rest of the second years are quiet and Kageyama doesn’t take to them much, but he thinks they’re pretty cool.

The team is like a second family, but in reality, they're more of a family than his actual family.

Kageyama hasn’t spoken to either of his parents in weeks. It’s normal for his father, but he should have talked to his mother at least once last week. But Kageyama doesn’t mind as much now as he used too, they’re working hard cause they enjoy their jobs and they make the money that keeps Kageyama alive and well so he can’t really complain. That doesn’t mean it can’t hurt though.

It’s gotten stronger throughout the years, but Kageyama’s never really put too much thought into it.

He thought it was normal.

He believed it was something that happened when you got older.

The feeling of sadness always in the back of his mind looming over him or feeling numb all the time. There are only certain things that bring some happiness into his life anymore. It got more visibly noticeable during Kageyama’s last year in Junior High.

He never thought it wasn’t normal till he saw Karasuno and how happy most of them were. Then he began to think to himself

“You know what? Maybe this isn’t normal.”

It’s one of the sleepovers where Hinata and Kageyama get very deep. They talk about their dreams, their pasts, what they want in life, and all that good stuff.

Kageyama’s laying on the guest futon, arms folded behind his head, and legs stretched out taking up the whole bed.

Hinata’s laying in his bed, cheek resting on his hand, hands folded, head facing Kageyama.

The moon is at it’s highest and brightest, bathing the room in light and casting a nice glow on all the little trinkets scattered around the room illuminating Hinata and Kageyama’s features.

At moments like this everything is either good or bad. Either you’re sad and lonely, or content and happy there’s not really an in between, at least that’s what Kageyama’s always thought; However, he’s conflicted. He’s sad like he usually is, yet he's also content. Now, this he knows isn’t normal.

“Hinata?” Kageyama interrupts their conversation of “what if’s” to ask Hinata a simple question.

“Hmm?” Hinata only hums in reply and throughout different occasions, Kageyama’s learned he’s getting tired.

“Is it normal to feel sad or numb most of the time?” Kageyama asked in the most nonchalant tone that Hinata just slowly sat up resituating to face his whole body to Kageyama .

“What do you mean Kageyama?” Hinata’s voice has become slightly concerned and his face has changed from its normal happy, tender, look to a face full of worry.

“Like you always feel kind of down or you just don’t feel much at all? It’s kinda hard to explain.”

“Do you ever have those days where you’re sad and you don’t know why?”

Hinata softly nods his head and just stares at Kageyama silently telling him to go on.

“Well it’s like that only every day. You don’t feel motivated, only certain things make you smile and laugh, you just want to lay in bed, some days you want to stay home and just cry to let everything out. It’s like that every goddamn day and for the longest time, I believed it was normal and part of growing up, but then I met you and the rest of Karasuno and that view-point totally changed. I started to realize that it wasn’t normal to feel that every day of your life and I’m totally clueless on what to do. I don’t even know what it’s called or what to do for it. I just don’t know.”

Kageyama’s curled in on himself tucking his knees under his head and resting his forehead on top of his knees feeling them start to wet slightly with his tears. Kageyama isn’t a loud crier. He’s silent with shaking, shuddering shoulders and slight sniffles, no loud sobs and whimpers. He’s practically completely silent.

Hinata’s heart breaks and he clambers off his bed and paddles carefully towards Kageyama. He sits down next to him and wraps both arms around him just barely being able to wrap around him completely. He brings his right hand to start playing with the ends of Kageyama’s hair on the nape of his neck making Kageyama shiver slightly when his fingers first come in contact with his skin. Hinata begins to faintly rock them trying to calm Kageyama down and comfort him.

“Kageyama, you don’t need to say anything, but just listen. No, it’s not normal to be sad or numb every day. However, it happens to a lot of people and you can get help for it. I know your parents aren’t around often, and that it might be hard to tell them considering how often you speak with them, but since they work so much, I doubt that they can’t afford professional help. If the can’t spare the money or don’t want to help, we’ll help you. My parents love you a lot Kageyama. So does Natsu and honestly so do I. I promise it will all work out in the end.”

Hinata takes a deep shaking breath and continues.

“And some days I don’t feel great either. I feel like I annoy people, I try to please everyone I can, I think I need everyone to like me, and I’m so far behind everyone when it comes to skill in volleyball. Sometimes I think that people think I’m being too loud or obnoxious so I get quieter while talking or just stop altogether. “

Kageyama looks up at Hinata. His eyes are wet and red, long eyelashes covered in fresh tears, and a shaking lip grace his face.

“Hinata you’re amazing. Everyone loves you I can say that with the same confidence I have when I’m setting to you. Yes, maybe your skill aren’t as developed as everyone else, but you’re still a great and valuable player. And yeah, you can be loud, but that’s just one factor everyone loves about you. You don’t have to please everyone either, If they can’t love you for what you do and who you are then they can fuck off.”

Kageyama’s still in Hinata’s embrace being rocked back and forth but he’s resting his head on Hinata’s shoulder. Hinata’s placed his head on top of Kageyama’s and he can feel Hinata’s tears mingling with his hair.

“You know what Kageyama?”

“What?” Their voices are just barely a whisper, but it’s all they need.

“Even though we fight a lot and make everything a competition, I can safely say you are my closest friend and I wouldn’t have it any other way.” Hinata places a slight kiss on top of Kageyama’s head and continues to rock them.

“Hinata. I don’t think, no I know, I wouldn’t be the person I am without you and I can never thank you enough. I was controlling and overbearing before and then once I got to Karasuno and began to talk with you and become partners with you I’ve started to change for the better, so thank you.”

Hinata and Kageyama talked quietly for only a while longer till they fell asleep, never leaving each other’s side.

It’s only a few weeks after the eventful late night talk and Kageyama started to notice more often than before when Hinata got self-conscious and down on himself. Kageyama and Hinata were talking with classmates about an assignment when Hinata’s voice began to slowly drift off and silence altogether. Kageyama finished explaining, the classmates left, and Kageyama turned towards Hinata. His head was down and he was tracing patterns into his desk.

Kageyama only had three minutes left till break ended so he ruffled Hinata’s hair, like he usually did when they didn’t have the privacy to talk about anything, and went on his way.

At lunch Kageyama let Hinata talk all he wanted and even asked him a few random questions letting Hinata know that he wanted to hear his voice and talk as loud as possible. Kageyama sat quite a bit closer to Hinata than they usually do, but Hinata was doing the same. They sat shoulder to shoulder and kept having their arms bump into each other, but they didn’t mind. After lunch was over they headed to their separate classrooms and didn’t see each other again till practice.

At practice Hinata was perfectly normal, it was an atmosphere where he knew he was wanted, was needed in fact. Kageyama and Hinata’s playing had gotten better since that night, knowing what the other was going through and trusting each other really built up teamwork.

After practice Kageyama and Hinata were walking home when Kageyama stopped in this tracks. Hinata kept walking a little not noticing before turning around to face Kageyama with a quizzical expression plastered on his face.

“What is it Kageyama?” Hinata started walking toward Kageyama till he was close enough to hear him even if he mumbled.

“Nothing, I was just thinking about something and it just dawned on me.” Kageyama was looking at the ground his eyebrows furrowed and eyes full of confusion.

“Well, what is it?” Hinata was rocking back and forth trying to keep the biting of the chilly early spring air at bay.

“I’ll have to tell you later. I’m not totally sure what it means yet.” Kageyama looked up at Hinata with an unrecognizable expression on his face.

“Alright, as long as you tell me eventually.” Hinata turned forward to continue their journey home. “Now let's get going it’s cold out.”

Kageyama silently followed Hinata while he rambled on about god knows what till they came to the cross section where they’re supposed to go their separate ways.

“See ya tomorrow Kageyama.” Hinata hopped onto his bike and sat there waiting for a response.

“Huh? Oh yeah, see ya.” Kageyama turns and starts his way towards his home while Hinata stares at his back worried thoughts crawling through his head.

Once Kageyama returns home he drops off his bag and shakes off his shoes. He makes his way to his bedroom passing by all the other empty rooms he keeps shut with the lights off. He falls face first into his mattress not making a noise as he impacts with the soft material.

“Am I really going to fall in love with my best friend? I mean I already have, but really? I mean that’s so cliche. Am I going to tell him? What if he doesn’t like me that way and I lose my first and only best friend? He’s helped me through so much am I sure it’s not just overwhelming gratitude? No these are definitely feelings of something more. I didn’t even know I was gay. Am I gay? What if I’m bi?” Kageyama thinks a bit about it and then concludes that “Yep, I’m totally gay, but also something else?”

Kageyama flips onto his back, folds his hands over his stomach, and stares up at the ceiling making shapes from nothing. Its times like these where Kageyama wishes his mother was around more to help him and explain this kind of stuff to him. She could explain whatever the hell it is he’s feeling and help him decide on how to act upon those feelings. However, like usual, she’s in business and so is his father, so even if he wanted to ask for advice neither of them is available.

Kageyama doesn’t really have the motivation to do his homework or study so he continues to stare at the ceiling and thinking of nothing but also everything at the exact same time. Eventually, he feels his eyelids shut and floats into a calm sleep listening to the slight howl of the wind outside.

The next morning Hinata greets Kageyama with a spellbinding smile and wave. Kageyama gives him a slight nod and feels a slight blush take residence upon his cheeks and tips of his ears.

“Are you ready to tell me that thing that ‘dawned upon you yesterday?” Hinata starts to skip forward and hum a tune Kageyama doesn’t know.

“Uh, well it was nothing important after I thought about it.” Kageyama walks behind Hinata not wanting him to notice the uncertainty in his eyes.

“Hmm, I can’t say I believe you, but I’ll trust that you’ll tell me eventually.” Hinata doesn’t even hesitate in responding or stop to look at him, he truly trusts that Kageyama will tell him.

Kageyama doesn’t respond but he catches up to Hinata and they walk in peace for quite a while until Kageyama challenges Hinata to a race. They talk off like bullets head for the school, eventually, they tie.

It’s almost summer vacation and Kageyama has finally decided on what he’s wanting to do with all these bubbly feelings. He had talked to Suga a few weeks earlier, since he was the closest thing to a mom he had at the moment, for advice. Suga had explained that it wasn’t a good idea to keep all his feelings bottled up so until he felt comfortable and/or confident enough he should write everything he was feeling somewhere. It could be a letter or a diary, but something of the sorts. So Kageyama wrote letters, specifically addressed to Hinata.

Kageyama and Hinata had talked about sexualities and personal feelings a few months back so Kageyama knew that he had a chance at not getting turned down since Hinata identifies as pansexual.

Kageyama decided to slowly begin giving Hinata the letters through secret ways. He put them in his locker, in his gym bag, and his gym locker. It was a little weird sneaking around and putting the letters into all his stuff, but Kageyama loved seeing the way Hinata would show him the letters during lunch and try to guess who it is. Kageyama’s plan was to give Hinata the most recent letter right at the intersection on the last day of the year.

The moment came only a week after he decided on when to confess his feelings. They were calming walking in companionable silence from the last practice for a couple days when Kageyama spoke up.

“You know how you said you trusted me enough that I’d one day tell you what I was thinking about a month ago?” Kageyama glances down to see Hinata look back at him and give him a quick nod and a reassuring smile, silently telling him to continue.

“Well, you also obviously know about all those letters you’ve been receiving lately and I wanted to give you the last one.” Kageyama holds out the letter with one hand while looking away, not wanting to see Hinata’s reaction in case it was a negative one.

“Kageyama? Are you the one that’s been giving me all those letters?” Hinata scurries into Kageyama’s line of sight and Kageyama sees a little bit of hope in his eyes.

“Just read the goddamn letter, please?” Kageyama’s ears feel like they’re on fire and his whole face is a beautiful pink rose color. Hinata rips open the letter and greedily unfolds the crisp white paper before reading it.

”Dear Hinata,

You can be annoying and quite dense at times, but you can also be comforting and observant. You’ve already read all my other letters so you know everything I like about you already and you can probably tell where this is going. At the beginning, I thought what I was feeling was only an immense feeling of gratitude, but I began to think about it and I figured out through research and advice that, that was definitely not what I was feeling. When I asked Suga on what to do he told me to write you letters until I felt comfortable enough to ask you out on a date, so that’s what I did. Now you know that I do like you and want to spend more time with you and would enjoy getting to know you better if that is even possible anymore. If you don’t return my feelings I totally understand and I would like it if you just forgot about this situation altogether and we can continue to still be friends, but just to sum up this whole letter:

Love,

Kageyama Tobio”

Hinata looks up at Kageyama and just stares at him for a while, making Kageyama anxious.

Finally, Kageyama had enough waiting.“Well! Are you just going to stare at me or give me an answer?” Kageyama stares back at Hinata with worry residing in his eyes and everything in his body is pulled taut.

“I thought I was being obvious!” Hinata throws his hands up in the air and looks at Kageyama with an indescribable look.

“What do you mean dumbass?” Kageyama furrows his brows and just looks at Hinata.

“I like you too! I thought all my touching and jumping and sitting closer and such was giving you that vibe. I guess you’re denser than I am.” Hinata folds his arms and sticks his tongue out at Kageyama.

“W-what? That’s normal for you! You always sit close to people and touch them! It’s who you are.” Kageyama stares right back at Hinata with ferocious intensity.

“Ugh! Bakayama how can you be so unobservant. Yes, I do all those things but I did them to you more. Did you not notice me touching you way more than others and I sit close to people but I never sit shoulder to shoulder with them like I do with you.” Hinata uncrosses his arms and grabs Kageyama’s hands. “But to answer your question, I would be honored to go out with you.”

Kageyama looks down at Hinata and Hinata notices that Kageyama has tears forming in his eyes and his lips are quivering.

“Oh my god, Kageyama don’t cry! Please don’t cry!” Hinata scrambles around and finally places both of his hands on Kageyama’s cheeks. Kageyama laughs and places his hands gently on top of Hinata’s and curls his fingers around them.

“I’m not crying ‘cause I'm sad dumbass. I’m crying ‘cause I’m happy. Well, that and because there are a lot of other emotions happening and it’s kind of overwhelming.” Kageyama finishes and stares tenderly into Hinata’s eyes

“Oh my god, you’re so stupid. Come here.” Hinata takes his hands from Kageyama’s and pulls him into a hug. Kageyama’s taken back by Hinata’s fierce hug and doesn’t react at first before hugging Hinata back just as fiercely.

“Hey Bakayama, since it’s summer how about you stay at my place tonight?” Hinata looks at Kageyama and really he doesn’t need to ask Kageyama to come over because the answer is always yes.

“Of course dumbass.” Kageyama starts to walk towards Hinata’s house before Hinata runs up to meet him, grabs his hand, and pulls him along.