Chapter Text
From: [email protected]
Hello Princess,
I know that I said you’re the last person I would ever turn to for help even if the apocalypse came, but don’t feel too smug about this email. The truth is-the apocalypse kind of did come, at least over here, in the form of the worst sand storm this place has seen in over ten years which resulted in us being cut off from the world for the past three days. All the computers had to be fixed and re-installed and it turned out the only email address left was yours.
So yes...I am turning to you. Again, don’t be too smug about it.
I just wanted to know how everyone is doing. Is my sister alright? Is she safe? Do you two have everything you need over there in that crappy apartment you currently reside in? Tell me if I need to send over money, I know my sister will refuse them, but you are smarter than that and I know rent is a pain in the ass.
How is Jasper doing? Is he still being that smooth around your co-worker Maya? What about Raven? Her leg alright? Please tell Monty that Miller will try to call as soon as our phones get fixed. Might take a couple more days, but we’re alright.
Either way, I have to go there’s a line of angry soldiers waiting behind me. I would appreciate you answering this as much as you hate my obnoxious persona.
-Blake
P.S I don’t know if you’ve seen Murphy lately or if you two have any shifts together at the hospital but tell him I need him to give me a call.
From: [email protected]
Hello Bellamy,
You’re right-your email did come out of the blue. I thought indeed I am the last person you would message, but I am sorry you guys have been going through hell over there. I hope things are better now. But still...I have every right to be smug about this so let me glow. What an irony that you had to write to the person you can’t stand being around, huh?
Octavia is doing fine. I know that you guys haven’t talked ever since she found out you’ve reenlisted and I know you think she hates you, but she misses you too. I often catch her drifting off while we’re out with everyone else or during movie nights and I know she’s thinking about you. Give her time. You were after all a complete asshole the last time you talked...you weren’t right you know? But I am sure I don’t need to tell you that. We’re okay on the money, we’re both working our asses off, but she’s fine. She’s doing great at college and as much as you dislike Lincoln, he’s the one who keeps her afloat. The guy is good for her, maybe one day you can realize that for yourself.
Jasper actually invited Maya on a date this week so I am fingers crossed to see how this goes. She’s more exited than when we scrubbed in on our first brain surgery together. I have a good feeling about them. I was actually with Raven last night-we had a girl’s night at our place. She’s doing fine, I am trying to convince her to start physical therapy but she’s just too stubborn. Now is my time to ask for a favor-I know you only talk to her and Murphy from everyone that are here-maybe you can convince her to do this. It would help her a lot. And it will prove to me that you’re not the asshole that you are so hard trying to be all the time.
Monty was really worried util I told him that you emailed and explained what’s going on, so thank you for doing that. I hear he and Miller are going to talk tonight.
I saw Murphy this morning and told him you’re asking for him to call. He seemed worried. I am sure there’s a reason for that that you won’t share with me. Whatever it is, I hope you’re not doing anything stupid, Blake.
Stay safe,
-Griffin
From: [email protected]
Hello Princess,
Well, well I never thought you were one to care about me, but after the last email I am starting to think I had the wrong impression. Who knew the cold princess actually had a heart?
Thank you for all the update on my sister. I..am wondering if it’s too much to ask if I continue sending you emails and you keep updating me about her? If that’s not too much trouble for you. I know I have to give her time. I haven’t tried calling her in over two weeks. The last time I did, Lincoln picked up, said that she doesn’t want to hear from me right now, so I gave it up. I don’t suppose she would ever understand and maybe that’s the way it will always be. I know we talked about this before I left (which to this day is probably the only serious, non-fighting conversation we’ve had, princess), but please, keep an eye on her.
I assume Jasper’s date with Maya went well? There could be no other way. Our boy might be a goof, but I’ve never seen him that smitten before. He deserves this, especially after everything he’s been through. I am supposed to talk to Raven tomorrow, so don’t worry about that, I’ll take care of it. Is there really a chance for you guys to ease her pain? The secret with Raven is this-she needs to be reminded that she doesn’t have to be so strong all the time. That’s just the heads up for you, princess. But consider it handled.
I know Monty had it hard, but Miller did too. You should see Miller pouting. He’s adorable.
Don’t worry about Murphy and I. I am not doing anything stupid.
Are you doing alright? How are stuff at the hospital?
-Blake
From: [email protected]
Hey Bellamy,
You’re being a total ass you know that right? Just because we are not each other’s favorite person, doesn’t mean that I am the cold-heart privileged bitch you’re making me out to be. Quite honestly that was a low blow even for you, Blake.
I will keep updating you on Octavia. But I am doing this more for her than for you, I hope you realize that. She hasn’t mentioned that you called though, but the other day Raven was talking about you over the phone with Murphy and she was trying to eavesdrop. She worries about you. No matter how much you’ve screwed up, you’re family. I am sure eventually things will be alright between the two of you and then you can stop emailing me which I am sure would be a relief for you.
Jasper and Maya are officially a thing as of last week. Our boy has grown so much! I am very happy for the both of them. They deserve it. Maya has had it hard too in the past you know? She deserves a nice guy like Jasper. We had a movie night last Friday and I wish you would’ve seen them! Monty wouldn’t stop teasing them all evening.
Thank you for talking to Raven. I know that...you probably got the worst of it. She mentioned you guys got in a fight and she yelled at you. When I asked her if you’ve talked this week, she said she’s pissed at you and needs time to cool off. I don’t know what you’re doing, Blake, but if you’re trying to push every person who’s willing to be your friend out of your life...you are succeeding. Either way she came to the hospital this morning and that’s part of the reason I am responding to you so fast. I wanted to thank you. Whatever you did...worked on her. She promised to come once a week.
Snap me a picture of Miller pouting! I need to see that plus you owe me.
I am doing alright. I am quite honestly surprised you’re asking about me, I thought you didn’t care and you certainly haven’t mentioned it so far. I have lots of work at the hospital, long shifts, no sleep, the usual. These days coffee is my best friend.
Hope you guys are doing alright over there. I know I’ve never said it before, but I do appreciate what you are doing as much as your sister can’t understand it now.
Stay safe,
-Griffin
From: [email protected]
Hello Clarke,
First off, I want to apologize for the way I acted. I am sorry for all the stuff I wrote in my email. I realize now what I dick I was. It wasn’t fair to be like that, I know you have it hard too and I appreciate you taking care of everyone over there for me.
I know you’re doing this for Octavia and not me, but it still means a lot. Thank you for keeping an eye on her and being there for her when I can’t. As far as her caring, I guess you maybe have a point, but the truth is, I think it’s better the way things are now. She has it easier without me in her life. She surely doesn’t need me or my protection anymore. She’s grown to be a strong beautiful woman and I can only be proud of her. I guess my only regret would be not realizing this sooner.
I am happy about Jasper and Maya. Sorry to hear that she had it hard before too. Maybe they can both heal now.
I had to push Raven in order to get her to you. I might’ve pressed a bit too hard but I let her yell at me and let it all out. She needed it. She’s in a lot more pain than she’s letting out and I don’t mind being the one to tell her the truth about what she has to do. I also don’t mind her yelling at me. You’re welcome, Griffin. You can thank me by helping her. That’s all I ask.
I’m sorry I didn’t ask about you before. It was insensitive. You work too hard. Coffee might be your best friend, but don’t forget to eat. I know how you and my sister are when you’re overtiring yourself-you forget that actual food exists. Take care of yourself, Griffin.
-Blake
Clarke stared at the screen for full five minutes before her eyes scanned the email once more. Something was wrong. Bellamy sounded...off. His email was way too brief and inconsistent in comparison to his previous ones. And he sounded...sorry? Sad even.
And it’s not like she thought he’s an insensitive ass-she knew how much he loved his sister. He had a good heart-he would help Raven when she was too stubborn to use her crutches or make sure Murphy doesn’t drink too much when he’s too sad for his own good, but he’s never been nice to her.
Well with the exception of their last meeting when he came by her flat and asked her to keep an eye on Octavia for him. This was the first time she had seen him...be nice and well, vulnerable. It had surprised her as much as this email did.
She knew that she shouldn’t worry. She had no right to worry-they were never best friends. They bickered constantly and were hardly on the same page about anything at all. The only thing they silently agreed upon was taking care of their group of delinquents. It was something they never talked about yet it came that naturally for them to be the responsible ones. To keep it all together.
The truth is, that without Bellamy here, it was all a bit too hard for Clarke. Monty often pined over Miller and some evenings wouldn’t even talk. Jasper was freaking out over Maya and asking her for advice every time they went on a date, afraid that he’ll screw it up. Raven was ...well Raven, she was in pain half the time and she was overworking herself in the other, refusing to let anyone give her a hand and Murphy was trying to actually help her out, but his despair and his constant drinking prevented him from being useful when she most needed him too.
But now...now something seemed off. The way he talked about Octavia, about her being better off without him, that wasn’t right. And Raven? He let her hate him for the sake of her getting help. She would be lying if she said she wasn’t surprised. How much did she actually know him?
She closed her lap top and settled down on the couch, browsing through the channels and deciding on a rerun of How I met your mother, trying to take her mind off stuff. She couldn’t though-that’s the thing, somehow the way he wrote this rubbed her the wrong way.
It wasn’t like Bellamy Blake to be apologetic. At least not to the extent he was in that email, but it wasn’t only that. He sounded lonely and even though she knew he didn’t need her empathy and that yeah, maybe he didn’t even deserve it, she felt like she has to do something.
So the next day when Raven came by with Monty for movie night, she excused herself while everyone were engrossed in their usual fight about which Harry Potter movie was the best, snatched Raven’s phone from her jacket pocket and found the number she used to call Bellamy under the name Sergeant Asshole.
She didn’t waste any time and rang right after they were all gone and Octavia was out for her night run with Lincoln. (who does a night run anyway? But she can’t say she isn’t grateful right now).
It takes a while for her to finally get a response, but she recognizes the voice immediately.
“Hello?“
“Miller!” she exclaims, she never realized how much she’s missed Miller.
“Clarke? Is that you?” he seems as surprised as she is ”How the hell did you get this number?” he doesn’t wait for her to respond though, fear settling in him as he realizes how late it must be there ”Is everyone alright? Is it something with Monty?”
“No, no, everything’s fine” she hurries to assure him as she leans on the kitchen counter ”I am actually calling because...I wanted to talk to Bellamy. Isn’t this his number?”
“It is, but we both share it. I use it a lot to call Monty.” he explains ”I wouldn’t have even heard it if I haven’t come by our tent. Is it something with Octavia? She alright?”
“She’s fine. I am calling because of ...him.” she admits, she knows that Miller can keep his mouth shut so she knows she can tell him this ”We’ve been exchanging emails since that sandstorm fucked up your connection and he’s been asking me to keep him updated on stuff here.”
“Okay?” he still couldn’t get where she was going with this, especially since she promised there was nothing wrong going on there.
“He sounded strange in his last email. Is everything alright with you guys over there?”
“We’re fine” -he assures her, but it seems like he knows something else, because his voice changes ”We’ve been on a few missions this week, he might’ve just been tired. I can go get him for you if you want? He’s out there working on our rover.”
“I would really appreciate that” she wants to get to the bottom of this ”And hey, Miller!”
“Yeah?”
“Could you...keep this between us? I haven’t told anyone else about it and you know how hard things are between him and Octavia right now, I don’t want to...make it worse.” both her and Miller realized perfectly that this had nothing to do with Bellamy’s little sister, but Miller just chuckled and promised he’ll keep his mouth shut.
She could hear him moving out, men voices yelling everywhere around him, some greeting him, some just passing by and by the time Miller got to Bellamy, she was trying to picture exactly what it looked like being there.
“Bellamy!” she heard him calling his friend “Get your ass out of there, Clarke is on the phone!”
“Who?” he sounded surprised and then Clarke lost track of what they are saying since Miller was probably covering the phone with his hand on purpose. Well either him or Bellamy. “Hello?” she finally heard his voice and God did he sound tired.
“Bellamy” she sighed, realizing how much she actually missed his obnoxious voice.
“Princess. To what do I owe the pleasure? Is my sister alright?”
“Jesus, do you and Miller ever do anything but panic?” she exclaimed and hears him chuckle ”Everything’s fine. I wanted to talk to you.”
"Oh yeah? What for?” she hears him move, probably jump off the rover and she imagines him walk away from the rest of the crowd, because it’s suddenly a lot less noisy around him.
"Your last email” she cut to the chase and he fell strangely silent on the other side ”Look, I am not going to pretend like we’re best friends, but as I told you I care about you and I can tell when something’s wrong. So...do you mind telling me what it is?”
She was surprised by the silence on the other end. Bellamy was not one to lack words.
"You care that much that you actually called all the way from there, Griffin?” she would’ve thought he was trying to be snarky again if it wasn’t for the sadness in she sensed in his voice. He seemed surprised that she would do that and that made her heart clench.
"Of course I care. You’re my best friend’s brother and you may be an asshole half the time but there is some decency left in you still. I have to make sure you preserve it.” she jokes but he remains silent on the other end and for the first time since she’s known him, she wishes she could actually see his face ”Seriously, what’s going on?”
"Everything’s alright, Griffin. You don’t need to worry about me.”
“Come on, Blake, indulge me.” she keeps pressing and hears him sigh.
“We were on a recon mission last week” he begins and she slowly moves her body up so she could sit on the counter and listen carefully to him.
"Okay” she says when he doesn’t continue right away
“We usually go to this village and give away food and clothes for the kids every other week when we’re on our way back from recons” he keeps on, his voice hoarse and tired ”We even had a football for them this time. Miller and I managed to figure out how to order one from Amazon. I had no idea it could take that long to reach this part of the world but it finally did” she knew hew as prolonging the moment with that explanation but she let him ”Anyway...we were giving away the packages and talking to some of the locals when the first blast happened.”
“A bomb?” she asked worriedly
“Yeah. One of the houses just behind us. I guess they’ve been keeping an eye on us.”
"Are you alright? Are you hurt?” she realized she sounds a bit too worried but strangely she didn’t regret it.
“I’m fine, we all were. But...three kids and two women died. Miller and I were the ones who tried to save the rest of them from the fires afterwards. It still didn’t felt as if we did something good.”
“I’m sorry, Bellamy” she knew the words were no comfort ”Really.”
"Thank you” his voice shook again, she was certain he was going back to it all, probably reliving it over and over again ”I would appreciate it if you didn’t...tell anyone about this, though. Especially not my sister.”
"I won’t. But you were wrong you know” she continued because she knew he needed to hear this ”Octavia is not better without you in her life. She needs her brother.” he remained silent on the other end, obviously disagreeing with her ”Just because you don’t talk right now, doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you or worry about you. Bellamy, you are her brother.”
"Somehow I don’t think that’s enough anymore” and he sounds like he has given up all hope which scares her a bit, because if he’s out there like this then he could easily not care enough to save his own life when danger occurs. She has heard Miller explain how fast he puts himself before everyone else in battle and she remembers Bellamy brushing it away like it’s nothing, which was something that show-off Bellamy Blake rarely did.
Someone shouts his name out so loud that she’s able to hear it herself.
“Hey, I have to go, Griffin. Some of us still have jobs to do” he tries to be smug and she can imagine him smirking but she knows better now-it’s a facade.
"Bellamy” she says seriously ”Keep writing, okay?”
"Be careful, princess” he jokes once more ”You don’t want all our friends to think that you actually care.” she wants to tell him that she does. She does care, but for some reason she doesn’t let the words out loud and a few seconds later he hangs up, probably because he never expected an answer at all. Probably because...he was too used to being on his own.
From: [email protected]
Hello Princess,
I want to start by thanking you for calling. I am not saying this in a mean way, but I really never expected you to do that. I guess that is mostly my fault. Either way, thank you for doing that. It was nice, to know someone out there thinks about you.
I am sorry if my email scared you or made you worry, that wasn’t my intention. It was a bad day, but I am alright and I assure you there’s no reason for you to think too hard about this. I can take care of myself.
How are you doing? Raven told me she hasn’t seen you this week. And yes, she finally called yesterday, even if she was still a bit mad. She did mention that she’s started the physical therapy. Still claims is a bunch of crap but I can guess by the sound of her voice that she actually has some hope about this for which I thank you. She mentioned you’re overworking yourself and that you look way too skinny for your own good.
Now you know that you can’t keep doing that, right? Do I need to tell you all this really? You’re the doctor here, you should know how to keep yourself healthy. Seriously, though, I know you love your work, but don’t forget to have some fun too. I can’t let the only person I can count on over there, get sick. What would our delinquents do then?
Now that I am done with this lecture Murphy mentioned that you guys lost a patient yesterday, a boy who hurt himself? I am really sorry about that. Out of all the friends in our group, you are the only one who sees as much death as I do so I understand in a way how hard it is to want to help someone but not be able to. I also understand how difficult it is to watch someone die. But heads up, princess, you’re out there saving lives and knowing the way you work, I am sure your patients are lucky to have you.
I have to go now. Don’t expect me to answer soon, we’re being send on a recon mission for a few days so it might take me a while to get back at you.
Chin up and EAT!
-Blake.
From: [email protected]
Hey Bellamy,
I am sorry I am responding so late, it’s been a crazy couple of days at the hospital and I assume that you’re already away on your recon mission, but still...maybe you will see this when you come back from it.
No need to thank me for calling, it wasn’t anything that big of a deal. But you know, I am not the only one who thinks about you out here-Murphy and Raven are always talking about you whenever they are in the same room, exchanging information about you and asking each other what you’re up to if they haven’t heard from you in a while. Your sister is one of those people too you know? Never forget that.
Your email didn’t scare me. It’s just that you didn’t sound like yourself. Though lately I realize, I am not sure I do know you very well. I don’t think all of our miscommunication and bickering is your fault. I think some of it is mine too and now that you mentioned it, I tried to go back and figure out when and why we started fighting in the first place but I couldn’t?
Maybe we should try starting from scratch again? I don’t know about you, but I am tired of fighting you all the time. If anything, those emails we’ve been exchanging prove that we can be better than that. I am not asking to be your best friend, but maybe we can try to get along for the sake of our delinquents, what do you say?
I am glad you talked to Raven again. Sorry to hear that she was still pissed at you. Truth be told, she came by for another session yesterday and left quite discouraged, I think it was just a bad day. She was in a lot of pain and refused painkillers. The reason she talked that much about me is probably because she was trying to distract you from asking about her.
I am all good by the way, no need to worry about me. It’s just been a crazy couple of weeks. And no, you don’t have to give me lectures about it, I already have Murphy over here. He’s taken it upon himself to bring me something to eat every time our shift starts and he always takes me to the cafeteria when we’re on a break. He’s driving me nuts! And somehow he’s made sure that we have shifts together for the next three weeks. I think he’s fucking with our boss Emori and apparently that comes with benefits.
Thank you for saying this about our patient. It was really hard to see this boy go. The fucked up thing was that I wish someone had noticed he wanted to do this to himself. That’s what really got to me you know? But you’re right, out of all the people here, we’re those who see the most death. I am not the only one who saves people’s lives you know? You’re doing that too. While being shot at usually. So yours is a lot harder than mine and I appreciate it.
Murphy just passed by the coffee room and said you were supposed to call yesterday but you didn’t probably because your mission took longer than expected? He doesn’t seem worried though, said it often happens. Either way, I am hope you’re save.
-Clarke
From: [email protected]
Hey,
I know that sending you this probably won’t change anything and I am not sure why I’m even typing it right now. I am just worried I guess. Murphy’s officially going a bit crazy over here. Said it’s six days since he last heard from you. You were supposed to be back three days ago. He said he’ll try getting in touch with your CO tonight to get more information. We haven’t told Raven. Or your sister. Raven thinks your mission is supposed to take this long. We’re wondering what to do and whether or not to let them in on it. I know you don’t want Octavia to worry, but I think she deserves to know.
Please when you can, call Murphy.
Be safe.
-Clarke
“Clarke!” she almost jumps from her chair when Murphy enters the room. Losing track of time and being tired like that often led to her napping in the locker room. She was exhausted and she couldn’t wait for this shift to be over so she could go home ”Jesus, you know there are beds in this goddamn place, right?”
“I wasn’t sleeping, Murphy” she lies and he cocks his eyebrows as he shakes his head ”What is it?”
“Get your ass up, Bellamy is going to skype with us in five minutes.”
“What? He’s back!” she literally jumps off the chair this time and he smiles. It’s been two days since she send him her last email and eight days since Murphy last heard from him. To say they were going out of their minds would be an understatement.
“He’s back” he reassures her with a bright smile that she rarely sees on his face ”The mission went south, took them a lot longer to come back but they finally did.”
“He told you that?”
“Miller did. I called and finally got in touch with them. Said Bellamy was sleeping because it’s been one hell of an awful week, but he woke him up and our asshole promised to drag his ass to the computer room.” he explained enthusiastically ”Come on, we need to go now. I’ve got it all set up in one of the call rooms.“
"Are you sure he would like to...see me too?” she asks a bit worried as she follows him down the hallway, but Murphy waves his hand annoyed with her stupid question and she decides not to argue with him. She did want to see Bellamy after all.
They locked themselves up in the room, with Murphy’s PC in his lap as they settled down on the bed so that Bellamy could see both of them. Clarke never thought she would be sharing a bed with John Murphy of all people, especially not if it was to talk to Bellamy Blake.
When he finally called, ten minutes later than when he promised, they were both taken aback by the tired wrecked face that appeared on their screen. His eyes were red, dark circles surrounding them and his hunched shoulders gave the impression that he was carrying the world and all its problems on them.
"Hey, Murphy” he greeted , his voice hoarse and very sleepy until he realized that his friend wasn’t alone ”Clarke? What are you doing there?”
“For god’s sakes Bellamy, finally!” Murphy exclaimed, without giving him any explanation to as why Clarke was there too ”Why didn’t you call the minute you got back on camp? And why do you look so much like hell?”
“Nice to see you too Murphy” he responded with a smile, but he did look terrible. So much that Clarke felt Murphy tense next to her which meant he was worried. And Murphy was rarely worried ”Princess.” he greeted her too.
“Hey, Blake. Nice bruise you got there” she referred to the big cut under his right eye and he shrugged ”Adds to your bad boy bravado.”
“As always so polite, aren’t we, princess?”
“Shut up you two and tell me what happened?” Murphy cut them off, clearly not willing to let them bicker too long ”Is everything alright with you guys over there?”
“We’re fine, Murphy” he exclaimed as if his friend were asking the most boring questions ”Just a very tough mission. You know I can’t talk about it, but we’re all good” he promised, even though he sounded too much like hell. ”I read your emails just before I called you know, Clarke” he turned to her and Murphy raised his eyebrows ”I am sorry I couldn’t answer earlier. You didn’t tell my sister anything right?”
"We didn’t. But the next time this happens, we will.”
“Murphy!” Bellamy said with his voice warning.
“I’m not kidding, Bellamy. I can’t keep that kind of stuff away from her!”
“Hey, you don’t have to worry. If something happens to me, my CO will try to get in touch with you” he explains as if talking about him being hurt or dead as if he was discussing the weather ”or her. It’s protocol. If they haven’t called you, then everything’s alright and you don’t have to freak out.”
“Oh, wow, you just made everything so much better, Blake” Murphy said sarcastically while Bellamy tried to suppress a yawn.
“You look terrible. Are you guys having other missions these days?” Clarke finally managed to interrupt Murphy and ask something.
“I honestly don’t know I think we’ll stick around base these days but-”
“Hey, Bellamy!” they hear Miller’s voice interrupt them and Murphy tenses next to her once more ”Jackson is looking for you.” Bellamy furrowed his eyebrows and cursed Miller under his breath.
“Sorry guys, I have to go” he apologized.
“It hasn’t even been five minutes!” Murphy protested.
“I know...this is not up to me really, I’m sorry. I’ll call you tomorrow, I think we’ll be here for the next few days, okay? Princess, I’ll make sure to answer your emails” he adds with a smirk before he hangs up without them being able to properly say goodbye. He seemed to be in too much of a rush as if he was trying to get rid of them.
They stare at the screen for a few minutes before Clarke realizes Murphy’s been too quiet.
"What is it?” she asks when he doesn’t speak up first.
"Jackson was looking for him” he says as if he’s trying to let something sink in. Clarke raises her eyebrow confused at him begging him to explain ”Jackson is their medic.” he adds and she sees worry settle in his eyes ”He was lying. Something’s not right.”