Chapter Text
After Ryan joined the crew for real, all their heists went (relatively) smoothly. It was kind of amazing how much a difference Ryan could make while they were in a shootout. He never missed a shot, and sometimes, it looked like he was shooting three different people, at the same time, with the same gun. Of course there were some things Ryan couldn’t change, like Gavin’s seemingly persistent need to cause trouble. Most of the time when they were on a big heist, he could curb his impulses and everything could go (relatively) smoothly. Emphasize on most of the time . There were always those times when Gavin would get an idea, and just couldn’t hold back. He never meant any harm, or even expected anything to bad happen. Bad things did happen though. Especially when he threw a grenade taped to a block of C4. And that explosive, disaster timebomb went farther than he meant because he wasn’t used to the weight. And instead of landing in a crowd of cops, it landed next to their primary getaway vehicle. Sometimes Gavin’s dumb ideas didn’t cause any damage, but when they did, they did a lot. Especially when their primary escape vehicle was parked right in front of the building Ray was sniping from. And that building was either older than Los Santos itself, or just didn’t meet any building codes in the world. And the building started to crumble because half its support was gone. And Ray had to jump off faster than “Sonic the freaking Hedgehog.”
“God dammit Gavin!” The comms flooded with everyone’s annoyances but Ray and Ryan. Ray because the ground was falling out from under him, literally, and Ryan because he knew the ground was falling out from under Ray.
“Ray! Are you okay? Where are you? Are you hurt?” Ryan scoured the area around the building in search of his partner, but the walls crumbled completely and all he could see was dust.
“We’ve gotta move!” Geoff ordered. “If we go now, the dust could slow down the cops enough for a (relatively) clean getaway, then we circle back for Ray.”
There was a murmur of agreement as everyone started sprinting to their first alternate escape vehicle, but Ryan hesitated. He kept looking into the dust, hoping to see a bright purple hoodie. He could hear the start of gunfire on the other side of the dust cloud.
“Ray? Can you make it to the car?” He asked, ignoring the others as they urged him to move. “Ray!”
Ryan bit his lip, contemplating just listening to the others and trusting Ray could hold his own. His earpiece probably just fell out when he jumped off the falling building. Instead, Ryan ran into the dust after only a moment’s hesitation. The others were calling his name, but he ignored everyone, ripping out his own earpiece. He ran through the dust, shooting at every cop he saw, and few he could just hear. When he made it to the other street, and the dust was finally starting to settle, he saw Ray immediately. He was taking cover behind a motorcycle across from Ryan, shooting at any cops that got too close, while trying to hotwire the thing. He was holding his own, and for a moment Ryan felt ashamed for thinking that Ray needed saving, like some damsel in distress. He could see Ray’s lips moving, but couldn’t hear him over the commotion. Then he spotted the cop. They were creeping out of the alley behind Ray, readying to shoot him. Ryan panicked for a split second, but he ran, without thinking, across the street to Ray. He could finally hear Ray’s yelling, but he didn’t stop. He shot right before he would be between Ray and the cop, but it was just a millisecond too late. The cop had already pulled the trigger. Ryan came to a stop in front of Ray, and the bullet meant for the lad’s head hit his chest, just a smidge too close to his heart.
“Ryan!” Ray yelled, dropping his gun to support a wobbling Ryan.
“I’m fine, just get the bike going,” Ryan muttered, kneeling next to the bike with Ray and aiming at the cops.
“You are not fine,” Ray hissed. “You need to not do that and I need to get you out of here.”
“Just get the damn bike started,” Ryan grumbled, still shooting at the still approaching cops.
Ray scowled darkly, but started working on the bike again, “Just so we can you out of here faster.”
Ryan didn’t answer, concentrating on shooting and keeping the black spots out of his vision. Sir had punished him enough times that he could handle any pain as if it was a stubbed toe. Except his shooting arm started to lose feeling. And he missed a shot.
“Uh oh,” He mumbled, feeling lightheaded. “That isn’t good.”
The bike suddenly roared to life, and Ray all but threw him onto the thing. Ray had the bike moving before he was even sitting all the way. Ryan tried to keep shooting at the cops trailing them, but it was getting harder to hold his head up. Maybe it would be easier if he just laid it on Ray’s back. The last thing he felt was Ray’s hand pinning his arms around his waist.
The first thing he felt was his hand pinned between Ray’s. He felt the familiar, sharp burning of a gunshot wound, and groggily blinked his eyes open. His neck felt uncharacteristically sore when he turned to look at Ray, who was fast asleep. He blinked in surprise at the number of crushed redbull cans and crumpled Taco Bell wrappers.
“How long was I out?” He mumbled. Usually he woke up within twenty-four hours, sometimes thirty-six if it was really bad, but there had never been so much stuff strewn about the room.
“Ryan?” Ray groaned, lifting his head to see if the gent was awake. “Ryan!”
“Hi, Ray,” Ryan smiled tiredly. Soon his smiled turned into a frown when tears started to well in Ray’s eyes. The younger man just stared at him, one hand covering his mouth. Ray would hate to see how much of a cliche he looked like.
“Rose? What’s wrong?” Ryan started to sit up to grab Ray’s hand, but the younger man latched onto his unhurt side.
“I thought you were going to die,” Ray whispered into Ryan’s neck. Ryan lifted his arms, which still had a few IVs in them, and wrapped Ray in a hug. His injury throbbed at the movement, but Ryan barely felt it.
“I’m okay,” Ryan muttered into Ray’s hair. “I always am, aren’t I?”
Ray lifted his head to look at Ryan properly, “You were out for almost four days. Caleb wasn’t sure if you would even survive the surgery, and he didn’t exactly seem optimistic.”
“But I did survive,” Ryan smiled, trying to reassure the lad. “That’s all that matters right?”
Ray frowned, and he opened his mouth to speak, but hesitated. His frown melted into saddened fear, and he spoke barely above a whisper, “Your heart stopped three times.”
“Okay, so maybe it was worse than I originally thought,” Ryan conceded, continuing before Ray could make a remark, “but my heart started again, didn’t it? I’m still here, Ray. With you.”
Ray caught the corner of his lip in his teeth, as if he were contemplating what to say, but just sighed with a nod. Ryan lightly patted the space beside him, and, wordlessly, Ray laid next to him, taking extra care to be gentle. They both drifted into sleep, and when they woke, they didn’t talk about it again.
Two months later, when Ryan was healed (by Ryan’s standards), the crew was having lunch at a little cafe with patio seating. It was across the street from a bank. Their next big hit. They had stopped paying attention to the bank, however, when Gavin bet Jeremy $2,000 that he wouldn’t eat an entire banana, peel and all. Jeremy, of course, picked up the unopened banana in front of him, and bit into it without a second thought. The crew was too busy laughing at Jeremy’s disgust as he continued to eat the fruit, that they didn’t notice the hooded guy walking towards them. It wasn’t until the guy was slipping a knife out of his hoodie pocket that Ryan really noticed him. He saw the metal of the weapon and jumped up, pulling Ray with him. The others shot up, startled and removing their own weapons. Ryan already had a knife out, pushing Ray behind him to stab it into the guy’s eye. The man had just enough time to follow through on his attack before Ryan killed him, and ended up slicing into Ryan’s arm when the gent lunged. It was really just bad timing, mostly.
“Dammit,” Geoff sighed as people started to scream. “I liked this place too.”
“We gotta move,” Michael said as the sound of distant sirens could be heard. The crew hurried to their car and sped off to avoid any confrontation. It wasn’t until then that anyone noticed Ryan’s injury.
“Ryan, you got got!” Jeremy, who was seated between Ray and Ryan, exclaimed, pointing to his bleeding arm. Everyone turned to look at Ryan, and the gent himself looked at his arm in surprise.
“Oh. I didn’t even notice,” Ryan said, putting pressure on his wound. Jack mumbled something about a first aid kit, and produced one from the glove compartment. Ryan took the gauze offered to him, and began to wrap his arm.
Ray was staring at him with worry clouding his eyes, but suddenly his face fell into a scowl, and he turned to look out the window. Ryan furrowed his brow, noticing Ray’s sudden shift in demeanor. Just as he was about to ask the lad if he was okay, Gavin spoke.
“How did you not notice that!” He exclaimed, watching as the gauze was quickly colored red.
Ryan only shrugged, “I guess it just didn’t register. I mean it’s not that bad. This is usually how Masters would just start a punishment.”
Everyone was silent. Whenever Masters was brought up, the air would turn sour and dark. The entire car ride home, surprisingly, was silent. Ray was usually the first to break the silences, hoping to cheer up Ryan, but he only pulled his hoodie over his eyes. As soon as they entered the penthouse, Ryan was getting Ray’s attention.
“Are you okay?” He asked, watching the way the lad’s eyes swam with anger and fear. Ray narrowed his eyes at Ryan, and it was obvious he was considering what to say.
Then he just shrugged in his nonchalant way, “Of course. Always am, aren’t I?”
Ryan frowned as Ray walked farther into the penthouse, towards the rest of the crew. He could have sworn there was the slightest bit of venom in Ray’s words, but shook it off. Ray was rarely seriously angry, and if he was, he was always candid about it. They had never really had any arguments because of that, plus Ryan’s tendency to avoid confrontation. Sure they had little spats over nothing, but Ray had never acted distant, like he was then.
“Ryan? What are you doing over there?” Jack’s call interrupted Ryan’s thoughts. “Come over here so I can stitch your arm up.”
“Oh, right. Yeah,” Ryan responded absentmindedly. He sat next to Jack and let him start on his arm. He didn’t even notice when Jack started threading his skin closed. He was staring at Ray, who was concentrating on his DS game, lost in thought.
Suddenly, it occurred to him. It was finally happening. Ray was getting over him. He had realized just how much baggage Ryan came with and decided he just didn’t want to bother. A breath caught in Ryan’s throat, and he could feel the thumping of panic against his chest. His mind was cloudy, and he could barely hear Jack declare his stitches done. He stood up, ignoring Jack’s protests that he hadn’t wrapped his arm yet, and hurried to his room, stumbling over his feet a few times. He didn’t hear the way he slammed the door. All he could do was sit at the foot of his bed with his head in his hands and his knees pulled against his chest. He couldn’t think of anything but Ray leaving him, and the thick fog of panic blocked out any attempt at rational thinking.
The room was deadly silent as the crew watched after Ryan. He had practically sprinted out the room, and they all felt worry creeping up on them. Ray turned his whole body to look at the hallway. Any semblance of anger was gone and he got up to follow without a word. When he opened the door, Ray immediately saw Ryan.
“Rye?” He closed the door softly behind him, and sat next to Ryan carefully. “Hey. What’s going on?”
Ryan looked up at Ray with an intense stare, “You’re leaving me, aren’t you?”
“What?” Ray was shocked, shaking his head. “No, of course not. Why would you ever think that?”
Ryan slowly began to uncurl, and Ray took one of his hands as he took deep breaths. “You’re angry at me, and I don’t know why. You- you weren’t talking to me about it either.”
Ray tensed for a moment, and sighed, “I was angry with you. Honestly, I still am, but that doesn’t mean I’m leaving you. I’m sorry I lied to you when you asked about it. I promise you, I love you.”
“Will you talk about it now?” Ryan asked softly. “Why you’re angry.”
“You don’t want to wait until you’ve calmed down some more?” Ray asked, worried despite his anger.
“No,” Ryan shook his head. “No, I want to talk about it now, so I know what I did wrong.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong per se,” Ray paused, rubbing the back of his neck as he tried to collect his thoughts. “You just keep doing this thing where you jump in to keep me from getting hurt, but you get hurt instead. It’s annoying.”
“Okay,” Ryan closed his eyes as he processed. “So you don’t like when I try to keep you safe?”
Ray stood up and looked away from Ryan, running a hand through his hair, “No, it’s less that part, although that is annoying too, but more that you keep getting hurt.”
Ray turned back to Ryan, who was still sitting against the foot of his bed, “Do you get what I’m saying.”
Ryan slowly lifted himself up to sit on the bed, “So you want me to let you get hurt?”
“Well no. I mean yes. Ugh,” Ray sighed in frustration. “I just mean that you keep getting hurt because of me, and I don’t want you to d- I just don’t want you to get hurt.”
“But then you’ll get hurt,” Ryan pointed out. “So if one of us if going to get hurt, why shouldn’t it be me?”
“No that’s not what I’m trying to say- wait, maybe it is. I just-” Ray took a deep breath and looked at Ryan carefully. “You keep running headfirst into danger for me, even when I don’t need any help. I just need you to trust that I can take care of myself.”
Ryan stood and took a step toward Ray, grasping one of his hands, “I know you can take care of yourself. Of course I do, but what if one time you can’t and I’m not there? If I lose you, it would be all my fault. I need you Ray.”
Ray tugged his hand away and took a step back, scatterbrained and threading a hand through his hair, “And I need you! I need you too Ryan. If I lose you like that it would be all my fault.”
“But I can take the hits,” Ryan insisted, pointing to himself. “I can take the hits for you so you don’t get hurt.”
“I can handle getting hit too!” Ray snapped, his fear hiding behind a tongue of anger. “I’m not some fragile little flower you need to protect. I’m not just some- some rose !”
Ryan flinched at the way Ray spat the word as if it were dirt, and spoke very quietly, “I know. You’re strong and I know that. But I need you here more than you need me.”
Ray was startled by Ryan’s remark, it shook his very heart, and yet he scoffed, “That’s just plain stupid.”
Something in Ryan snapped, and suddenly he was angry. Actually angry, Maybe it was the way Ray spoke, or what he said, or how he held himself, or how he looked at Ryan, but the gent couldn’t handle it and he exploded.
“Why can’t you just let me do this for you!” He boomed, fists curled at his sides and eyes squeezed shut. Ray stared for a moment, gaping. Ryan had never raised his voice any louder than he had to. Instead of taking a moment to think, Ray let Ryan’s anger fuel his own.
“Because I don’t want to lose you!” He shouted back. “I don’t want you dying because you feel like you have to save me! You already have died, but what if next time Caleb can’t bring you back.”
“I’d rather it be me than you,” Ryan ground out, staring at Ray with stone eyes. “I can’t survive without you, but you can without me.”
“Stop saying that!” Ray yelled. “I need you too! You have to stop sacrificing yourself for me!”
“Why?” Ryan retorted, feeling his anger rise with his voice. “It’s my choice!”
“Well maybe it shouldn’t be!!!!” Ray screamed, eyes screwed shut in anger.
There was a moment where the world froze and Ray had yet realize what he had said. Then his eyes fluttered open, and the world melted. It seemed as if the whole universe was waiting for what would happen next. The air stopped moving and the dust settled in a heartbeat. Ray tried to say something, but his brain had suddenly stopped working. All he could do in that moment was look at Ryan. All he could he do was look at the way the gent stood just a bit straighter, and how his eyes had glazed over.
Ray could only see the sheer terror that was in Ryan’s eyes.
Ryan didn’t hear what Ray said at first. It was as if his body had heard it before him, and already spiraled into panic. He couldn’t tell whether his heart was pounding wildly, or holding completely still. The edges of his vision started to fade, and the only thing he could hear was television static. Then it hit him like a frieght train. He probably should have said something, but he couldn’t figure out what to say. He couldn’t decide . There was a whisper of an eerily familiar voice. It’s not your choice.
And suddenly he was back in Sir’s office, standing at attention on the one stain on that carpet, waiting for Sir to reach down his throat and pluck his vocal chords like a violin.
Just as suddenly as he had left, Ryan was back. He was standing in front of Ray, who was breathing heavy from shouting. He wanted something to happen. He wanted Ray to do something so he didn’t have to.
Then the lad was coming to stand right in front of him.
Ray could see the vacant fear in Ryan’s eyes, and every thought but one left his mind. The only one left banged against the walls of his brain. He couldn’t help but realize that he must have reminded Ryan of Masters. He suddenly felt sick. He needed to make sure that Ryan knew he was still Ray. He was still his Rose.
In just a few strides he was in front of Ryan, staring up at his eyes with a gentle hand on his arm. Ryan looked down at him slowly. Ray gulped.
“Ryan, listen,” He began, “I didn’t mean it. I was just angry. I’m so sorry Rye. Ryan?”
Ryan wasn’t listening. He could see Ray’s lips moving, recognized the guilt and shame in his eyes, but he couldn’t hear what he was saying. All he could hear was that damn buzzing, and when he blinked, he was ten years old again and getting yelled at by Masters. He blinked, and it was Ray who was next to him again. He still couldn’t hear what the lad was saying, and suddenly Ray was too close. Everything was too close. He couldn’t breath. He felt so naked. Where was his mask? Why didn’t he have his mask on? Ryan was choking on his own lungs, and Ray’s hand felt like fire tightening around his arm.
Ryan scrambled away, clutching at his arm and trying to suck in air. He stumbled back, tripping over his own feet and falling against the wall. He was staring at his arm, and Ray was stunned, dumbstruck by Ryan’s reaction. It was if he was scared of Ray.
“Ryan?” Ray asked carefully, taking a step forward. Ryan looked upward at the movement, and Ray saw the tears in his eyes. They were wide with a childlike fear, and the tears dripped over his lashes. Ryan was crying. Ray made Ryan cry.
The lad didn’t know what to do. Ryan wasn’t saying anything, just staring at him. He sunk to the floor, holding his head in his hands. Ryan watched the way Ray slipped to the ground, it was if the air had thickened and the lad was sinking in quicksand. The two sat a few feet away from each other, saying nothing. Ryan stared at Ray with that vacant fear in his face, tears dragging down his face, and Ray sat on the floor, hunched over himself as he buried his face in his hands.
Ray didn’t know how to fix this. Ryan had never looked scared before. The lad had never seen such pure terror in the gent’s eyes before. He needed to think of something to say. He needed to think of anything to say, but his mind was filled with buzzing cotton. He could barely reach through to grab one of the many thoughts trying to push its way down his throat.
“I didn’t mean it,” Ray mumbled, his voice booming in the silent room. He shook his head, clutching at his own hair. Ryan couldn’t see the lad’s face through his hands, but he finally started to hear him.
“I swear I didn’t mean it,” Ray muttered, and it seemed more to himself than Ryan. “I didn’t even realize.”
The buzzing started to float away, and soon it was just a quiet hum, like an undercurrent to Ray’s soft voice. Ryan finally saw the lad- properly saw him. He was starting to register his surroundings again. He was still clutching at his arm, but it wasn’t burning anymore. He looked between his arm and Ray, and then around the room. Eventually, his gaze fell back on Ray, who was still curling into himself, and his brow furrowed.
“I’m so sorry,” Ray muttered, his shoulders sagging. “I didn’t mean to.”
Ray finally let his hands fall into his lap, and after a moment he saw Ryan staring at him. The gent looked calmer, he had stopped crying, but there was still an inkling of that fear there. The vacancy was gone though, and Ray sucked in a breath. What would he say? How angry would he be?
“Are you okay?” Ryan asked, scooching forward the slightest bit. Ray’s eyes widened in surprise.
“Am I okay?” He repeated, confused. “Are you okay?”
Ryan fell silent again, averting his gaze. Ray’s chest tightened as he waited for Ryan’s answer, but the gent remained silent. Ray faltered for a second, trying to decide what to say.
“I’m- I’m okay Ryan,” He said, answering Ryan’s question. “I’m just worried.”
Ryan looked back at him with a frown, “About what?”
“About what?” Ray was in disbelief. “About you! About what I said...”
Ryan took a deep breath. If he was being honest, he didn’t know if he was okay. He didn’t really know how he was feeling. He had never been particularly in touch with his feelings, and this was a whole new experience for him. He had never gotten into an argument before, not a real argument. He had never felt so lost in his own head before. The one thing he had always had was his ability to know exactly what was happening around him, and for that moment it was gone. He didn’t know what to say, so he didn’t say anything.
“Ryan?” Ray asked. “Ryan you’ve got to talk to me, man.”
“I won’t do it anymore,” the gent muttered. “I’ll do what you said.”
“No!” Ray felt panicked. “No, you should do what you want. You should do what you think you should do. I didn’t mean what I said, really. I didn’t know what I was saying.”
Ryan opened his mouth to speak, but closed it the next moment. The space between his eyebrows was just barely wrinkled as he thought. He knew he should be saying something. He knew that he had to talk to Ray, but he didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t think of anything to say, but at the same time he was thinking of too many things to say. There was anger, and fear, and sadness, and confusion. There was too much going on. He wanted to lash out and retreat into himself at the same time.
“I just want all of you to be safe,” Ryan muttered, looking at his hands as he threaded his fingers together. He tugged at them, watching they way they curved and wrinkled. Ray dragged himself slightly closer to Ryan.
“I know,” He whispered. The room was too quiet. It was as if Ray’s shouting had broken the air around them.
Throughout their conversation, they had both inched closer to each other until they were practically breathing the same air. Ryan could feel Ray next to him, overly aware of the way he was moving. His chest moved with shallow breaths and his fingertips were fidgeting. He could feel the way his hoodie shifted as his shoulders moved. He could feel Ray and he was just Ray. Ryan wasn’t thinking when he threw himself into Ray, wrapping his arms around lad’s midsection. Ray responded immediately. He caught Ryan and the two sat on the floor clutching at each other like their lives depended on it.
“I’m so sorry,” Ray breathed into Ryan’s neck. Ryan only pulled him closer and let out a shuddering breath.
The cold night air filled Ryan’s lungs as he looked up at the starry sky. He was sitting on the balcony, legs dangling off the ledge, and Ray was next to him, kicking the air. Ryan savored these moments they spent on the balcony. Ray laughed at something he was saying, and Ryan looked over at him. He was so beautiful. His head was thrown back in laughter, and the moonlight danced off his eyes. His grin was wide and filled with a galaxy of thoughts. Ryan still couldn’t believe how lucky he had gotten.
“I’m gonna go get something to drink,” Ray said, smiling. “I’ll be right back.”
Ryan watched him slip through the sliding glass doors and looked back at the sky. He knew all the constellations. They had been his only friends for a very long time. Now he could share them with his new family. The sound of the door sliding open caught his attention and he turned to Ray with a smile.
“Jackson always did say you had a fascination with the stars.”
Bryce Masters towered over Ryan in a dark red suit. He was looking down at Ryan with malicious grin. Ryan shook his head.
“You’re not here,” His voice was filled with fear. “You’re dead. I killed you.”
Masters laughed and the stars started to melt. Ryan stood and backed as far away from Masters as he could. The sweet yellow of the stars started to pour past them.
“Are you really that naive to believe that you could have actually killed me?” Masters sneered, his eyes alight with a perverse pleasure. Ryan was gripping at the cold metal railing as it trembled with him.
“This is impossible,” Ryan choked out, feeling his breath leave his throat. It floated up to take the place of the stars. The cold heat of the gold light started to pool around his ankles. Masters took a step closer. The stars seemed to curve around him, keeping his suit pristine.
“And yet here I am,” Masters’ grin started to slip, and Ryan’s heart froze, “ready to take you back.”
Ryan felt the cold of his heart seep through his chest as Masters reached for him. Every inch that he got closer, Masters face fell deeper into a scowl that Ryan recognized all too well. Ryan couldn’t move and the sickly sweet stars creeped up his legs.
Just as Masters laid a hand on Ryan’s shoulder, a sudden surge of fear and anger shot through him. He jerked his shoulder away, “No! You can’t do this!”
“That’s where you’re wrong, dear Ryan,” Masters chastised, roughly grabbing Ryan’s chin and reaching in his pocket. The liquid stars started rising faster as he pulled out a pocket knife etched with vines.
“I’ve already done it,” Masters said as he cut out Ryan’s tongue. His grin returned as he tossed it off the balcony. Ryan couldn’t even scream and helplessly watched as some other guard dog devoured it below. Masters’ grin widened as he turned with a laugh. Just as he disappeared through the door, the waxy starlight started to fill Ryan’s lungs.
Ryan couldn’t stop coughing as he sat up in bed. It was a dream. He came to his senses with his hands around his throat, clawing for air. He took slow, deep breathes as he looked around the darkened room. It was his bedroom, the one he shared with Ray. Ryan looked down at the bed. Ray was fast asleep next to him.
He needed some actual air. The gent slid out of bed and pulled on a pair of jeans. Silently he crept out of the room, taking care not to wake Ray. He grabbed his jacket as he left the penthouse. When he was on the street, Ryan shoved his hands deep into his pockets, hunching over himself. He didn’t know where he was going, but he had to go somewhere.
The city was surprisingly quiet at night, and Ryan savored the noisy silence. The idle sounds of distant sirens, and the purr of traffic gave him a strange sense of comfort. As he walked, he convinced himself that he was safe. That Masters was dead. As he started to calm, his thoughts wandered back to earlier that day. Back to the argument with Ray. After a while of sitting on the floor in silence, Ray started to fall asleep. Ryan had picked him up and carried them both to bed. It wasn’t long before Ryan drifted off, feeling exhausted.
“It’s my choice!” “Well maybe it shouldn’t be!!!!”
It shouldn’t be his choice. Ryan had been hearing that his entire life. He heard it as he trained for years, he heard it when he was given missions, he heard it through closed doors, and he heard it loudest when Masters yelled at him. When Masters punished him, he felt it.
“It’s not for you to decide.” “You don’t have a choice.” “It’s not up to you.”
All his life he had heard it, and all he could say was, “Yes Sir.”
Maybe it shouldn’t be.
His thoughts started to scramble, so Ryan pushed them away. He locked them in the back corner of his mind and let the rest become vacant. He didn't know where he was going. He just knew that he wanted to be anywhere but there right now. So he kept walking without thought, letting his feet guide him.
He walked for hours. He walked through the night, and kept walking as the sun rose. He walked until he reached the beach and the ocean soaked into his pant cuffs. His legs were sore and his feet ached. He sank down and he was sitting in the tide. Suddenly all his thoughts came rushing back and he wanted to scream.
You should have stayed. You should have talked. You should have yelled. You should go back. You should leave, You should go back and then leave. You should. You should. You should!
Ryan didn’t want to think anymore. He let the cold water soak through his pants until all he could hear was the current of the ocean and all he could see was the foam on the waves. All he could think, was gone.
Soft ray’s of light started to seep through Ray’s eyelids, and he turned toward Ryan. His hand went in search of the gent’s warmth, but he was gone. Ray sat straight up in bed and looked around the empty room. There was no sign of Ryan. A cold feeling settled in his stomach, and he got up to search the penthouse. When he walked into the living area, everyone else was gathered together. All he could hear was harsh whispering, and it looked like they were arguing about something. As he got closer he started to make out snippets of conversation.
“Well we can’t just do nothing,” Jeremy whispered.
“Didn't you hear what he said!” Michael snapped, obviously struggling to stay quiet. “Who knows what happened?”
“Ryan wouldn't hurt X-Ray,” Gavin spoke. “No matter what Ray said.”
“But it was so bad ,” Geoff sounded insistent. “I'm just getting worried.”
“So am I,” Jack whispered, “but that doesn't mean we can just barge into their room. It's an invasion of privacy, and Ryan likes his privacy.”
“What are you guys talking about?” Ray interrupted, making everyone whip around to look at him. “Worried about what.”
He could see varying levels of vague guilt on their faces, and they shuffled nervously. Ray looked between them. Only Michael and Jack met his eyes. The others looked away.
“We're worried about Ryan,” Jack answered, his voice carefully gentle. “And you of course.”
“So am I,” Ray agreed, his voice soft. “He’s-”
Ray stopped before he could finish his sentence, and his friends all looked at him expectantly. Michael narrowed his eyes slightly, and Gavin took a step forward.
“He’s what?” The brit asked. Ray took a deep breath and looked at Gavin.
“He's gone,” Ray answered. There was a heavy pause.
“Gone where?” Jeremy broke the silence.
“I don't know,” Ray shrugged. “He left while I was asleep. I just woke up.”
“Well fuck,” Geoff sighed. “What now?”
There was a long stretch of silence. Everyone was worried, and still in disbelief. Ray didn't want to believe that it was really happening. Someone had to decide to be the first to take the weight of the situation. Someone had to break the rigid silence.
“We have to find him,” Gavin muttered, shattering the silence and sending everyone into motion. Except Ray.
The lad felt his breath snag and his brain started to grow fuzzy. He couldn't think straight, and he couldn't make his feet move. He desperately wanted to help find Ryan, but his legs were suddenly numb. He should have been the one to break the silence. He should have been the one to bear the weight of his mistake.
“Ray!” Michael yelled, a little too close to Ray’s face. “What the fuck are you doing?”
“I-” Ray blinked, his voice small, “don't know. What have I done?”
“Yeah,” Michael snapped. “We've been wondering the same thing.”
Ray's eyes widened slightly and Michael's eyes tinged with guilt. He sighed, grabbing Ray's shoulder and pulling his towards the action.
“Let's go find your boyfriend,” He gruffed but his voice was surprisingly reassuring.
Ray gulped, but nodded. He concentrated on making his feet move and listening to the others. Their chatter paused when he reached them with Michael. They all looked at him, except for Gavin, who continued to stare at his laptop.
“Where would he go?” Geoff asked. Gavin looked up at him from over his computer screen. His fingers kept tapping on the keys.
“I don't know,” Ray blinked, shaking his head minutely. “I guess there are a few places.”
“Where?” Gavin demanded eagerly. As Ray listed off places, Gavin concentrated on his laptop. After a few ideas, Gavin whole face lit up.
“Got him!” He grinned, turning his laptop to show the others security camera footage. “He's at the beach somewhere.”
“Nice one Gavvy,” Jeremy smiled, high-flying his fellow lad.
“What are we waiting for?” Jack was already standing by the door. “Let's go get him.”
In the next minute everyone was piling into a car and heading towards the pier. They didn't know exactly where he would be, because the cameras didn't track him that far. They were ready to walk the entire coast if they needed to.
Ryan’s hands floated in the water as he sat, staring out over the ocean. The idle calls of seagulls reached his ears, but he didn't hear them. There wasn't anybody else in his area, but he wasn't paying enough attention to note it. The soft current of the water tugged his thoughts away from him, and the gentle sand wrapped around his legs.
“Is that him?”
“That's him!”
“Ryan!!”
He could barely hear the echo of the voices, and a slight recognition tickled in the back of his mind. He didn’t bother turning.
“Wait,” Geoff threw out an arm and stopped everyone a few feet from Ryan. “There's no way he isn't hearing us. Why isn't he turning around.”
“You're right,” Jeremy agreed. “It's weird.”
“Do you think he's okay?” Gavin asked, his voice nervous.
“What do you think asshole?” Michael responded. Gavin glared at his sarcasm, but said nothing.
“Someone's gotta go over and say something’” Jeremy pointed out, looking around the group. Eventually everyone’s gaze landed on Ray.
“Do you really think I'm the one he wants to talk to right now?” Ray pointed to himself with his eyebrows raised.
“I guess not,” Gavin shrugged, “but who should?”
“I mean, Jack probably,” Michael answered. “He's the closest thing to a mom we've got.”
There was a murmur of agreement, and Jack rolled his eyes. He stepped forward nevertheless, carefully approaching his fellow gent. He stepped into the tide, the water rising just above his ankle.
“Hey, Ryan,” Jack began. “It's me, Jack. We're all here. You really worried us by running off like that.”
Ryan didn't respond. Jack’s brow wrinkled with worry. Slowly, he reached down and placed a gentle hand on Ryan’s shoulder. His fingers barely grazed Ryan’s shoulder before he whipped around. His face was set in a glare, and there was no recognition in his eyes. After just a moment, his face relaxed as he finally saw Jack. He let out a sigh and turned back to look out over the ocean. Jack blinked for a moment, bewildered by Ryan’s reaction. After gathering himself, Jack carefully sat next to Ryan. The other gent didn’t say anything, just glancing at him from the corner of his eye. Jack stared at his profile for a long moment. Then, without a word, he moved his gaze to the horizon and wrapped his hand around Ryan’s. It was awkward, and his hand was only covering Ryan’s, but neither moved. They let their hand drift together in the water.
The beach was absolutely silent. Neither Ryan or Jack spoke, and the rest of the crew watched them wordlessly. After a long five minutes, Jeremy approached the two. Everyone’s gaze followed him with wide eyes. With careful steps, Jeremy walked to Ryan’s side, and sat slowly. He didn’t say anything. Jack looked over at him from Ryan’s other side, and Ryan glanced at him. Jeremy just pat Ryan’s shoulder, and left his hand on the gent. The three of them looked out over the ocean. Jack traced the horizon, Jeremy tried to look through the water and into the deep blue, and Ryan watched the top of the water. He watched it’s never-ending movement.
Geoff, Michael, and Gavin all looked at each other with questions in their eyes. They could just shrug at each other and look back at the three. Ray’s eyes darted between Jack’s hand and Jeremy’s. Wasn’t he suppose to be the one to always comfort the gent? What was he supposed to do when it was all his fault that Ryan needed comforting?
As Geoff watched the three sit silently in the water, his brow started to furrow. There was a sadness in his eyes. They looked so peaceful, and Geoff wasn’t thinking about it as he walked into the water. He walked around Jack, sending ripples through the water. He slowly sat in the space right in front of Jack and Ryan. He sat in the space between them, taking care not to block their view. He felt himself relax, and a slight smile lightened his face. He pat Ryan’s knee twice in quick succession. His hand awkwardly hung off the other gent’s knee, his fingertips grazing the water. He neither looked back, or said anything. He stared the sky above the horizon, tracking the few seagulls with his eyes. Ryan watched the back of his head for moment and then looked back at the water.
Gavin watched his friends sitting the water with a tilted head. He looked over at Michael as a smile started to form on his lips. He grabbed the lad’s arm.
“What are we doing just standing here?” Gavin whispered, pulling his friend with him towards the ocean. Michael huffed and rolled his eyes, but happily complied. Gavin walked into the water first, his purposeful steps causing water droplets to fly into the air, and plopped himself down right in front of Ryan. Everyone stared at him, and Ryan looked down as the brit leaned back against him. Michael followed quietly, taking the place between Ryan and Jeremy, just as Geoff did with Jack and Ryan.
Michael pat the gent’s arm, nodding knowingly at Gavin’s actions. The hint of a smile ghosted Ryan’s lips, and Michael looked out over the ocean at the distant boats, a grin lifting his features. Ryan’s shoulders slowly started to relax, and he looked around him at his friends. He turned his hand upward to wrap around Jack’s.The gent looked at him, and after a moment, they smiled at each other. Geoff turned his head to smile at Ryan, and Ryan’s smile lifted slightly. Ryan turned to look at Jeremy when the lad started to rub his shoulder, and he had a lopsided grin on his face. Ryan felt a puff of laughter in his nose, and his smile lifted even further. Michael looked at him with raised eyebrows, and a subtle smile. Ryan’s smile grew, and he looked down to find Gavin looking up at him with a toothy grin. Ryan’s smile morphed into a grin, and laughter bubbled in his throat.
“What’s so funny?” Geoff asked, smile still firmly in place. Everyone watched Ryan shrug, his smile wide.
“We’re all sitting in the goddamn ocean,” Ryan chuckled. The others laughed too, and they all looked around.
“I am gonna need a new pair of pants,” Jeremy nodded, looking down at his soaked clothes.
“And it is a bit cold,” Gavin pointed out, splashing a bit of water next to him.
They all listed the ridiculous about sitting in the ocean, but none of them moved. They were all content to sit with each other. The water kept on moving, oblivious or uncaring of what was happening.
Suddenly, Ryan was knocked forward, and a pair of arms wrapped around him. Ray had run into his back, kneeling in the wet sand. Everyone turned to look at him, and Ryan craned his neck to see. His face was buried in Ryan’s back and they could just barely hear sniffling. Ryan had went rigid at first, but after a few moments he relaxed into Ray. He felt Ray rub his face against his back in response, and no one said anything. Ray just tightened his hold on Ryan’s midsection.
After a few minutes, Jack slapped Geoff on the shoulder, and motioned for them to stand. Geoff nodded, and Jack released Ryan’s hand as they stood. The three lads followed soon after, water dripping off them as they all walked farther into the beach.
Ryan felt his breath hitch slightly. He wasn’t sure what he should do. He had never been in a real argument before, and he certainly didn’t know how to end one. He did want to reconcile with Ray, and move past this. He just wanted to be happy with his family. There would be lots of talking, no doubt, but Ryan knew it was okay. He could feel that it was okay. They would be okay. They always were, weren’t they?
He unwrapped Ray’s arms and tugged on them. Ray followed the guidance and sat next to Ryan. They didn’t say anything, and neither made a move to touch the other. Ray pulled his knees into his chest, resting his head on them. Ryan held his hands, watching them knotted together in the water. After a long silence, Ray roughly cleared his throat. Ryan knew he was just trying to compose himself slightly.
“Uh, hey,” The lad greeted, turning his head to glance at Ryan. Ryan puffed a laugh, but it sounded humorless.
“Hi Ray,” He responded, looking at Ray’s profile. The lad’s glasses were askew and his hands were hidden in his hoodie sleeves. Every once in awhile he would sniff, and his face was red in some places from crying into Ryan’s back. His hair was messy, as if he had been tugging at it. Without thinking, Ryan reached over and straightened it somewhat. Ray looked at him with wide eyes, and Ryan withdrew his hand, looking down.
“Sorry,” Ryan coughed awkwardly. Ray started to shake his head, his glasses getting even more askew.
“No, no. You shouldn’t be sorry. I’m the one that’s sorry,” Ray said. His lip trembled slightly, and they both knew that he wasn’t going to be able to stop until he said all that he needed to. “I’m so sorry. I’m such an idiot. I didn’t even realize what I was saying. I wasn’t thinking right and I was so upset. I’m so sorry Ryan. I- You looked so scared afterward. You looked terrified and it was like you weren’t even there. I can’t believe I did that to you. I’m so sorry I did that to you. I didn’t mean it. Really, I’m so sorry. I’ll never mean it. I was just so upset, I don’t want you getting hurt. I don’t want you to die. I was scared and upset that you really believe you need me more than I need you. Of course I need you. I need you so much. I was so angry too. I’m so sorry. It was accident, I was just mad. That doesn’t matter. I shouldn’t be making excuses. I’m just so sorry. I’m so sorry. So, so sorry…”
Ray trailed off, mumbling apologies as Ryan looked at him. The lad stared down at the water right in front of him, avoiding Ryan’s gaze. There was another long stretch of silence as Ryan thought of what to say. There were so many thought swirling in his mind, he couldn’t decide what to say. He didn’t know what he should say, so he just started talking.
“I was scared,” Ryan wasn’t sure what he was going to say, and the words came out jumbled. “I was, because what you said reminded me of what my entire life was before I met you guys. It was the summary of my relationship with Masters. You said it and I just panicked.”
“I’m so sorry Ryan,” Ray said, desperation on his face.
“I know,” Ryan nodded. “What you said did scare me, but it’s not like what Masters would say. It wasn’t calculating and detached. You were upset because you care about me. You would have never said that if you were thinking clearly. Masters did it because I was his tool. You did it because you love me.”
“So, it’s not as bad, because I love you?” Ray asked, looking back at Ryan. Ryan smiled sadly.
“No,” He shook his head. “It’s worse.”
Ray bit his lip and screwed his eyes shut. Ryan reached out to fix Ray’s glasses. Ray opened his eyes and watched him.
“But it makes it forgivable,” Ryan’s voice was soft, and he left a gentle hand on Ray’s face. The lad sagged in relief, and fell into Ryan’s side. Ryan wrapped his arms around him, resting his face on Ray’s head with closed eyes.
“I was worried it wasn’t going to be,” Ray muttered. “I was scared that you would hate me.”
“I could never hate you Ray,” Ryan smiled. “You saved me.”
Ray scoffed, rolling his eyes, “You’re such a romantic bastard.”
“Only for you, rose,” Ryan replied, a sense of contentment resting in his stomach. “Only for you.”