Chapter Text
I woke up really early on the morning after. I stumbled around the flat in my t-shirt and socks looking for something that would help me remember. I eventually found my way to the kitchen and put on the kettle. I groaned and slammed my head into the cabinet as I saw the clock above the oven, 05:06. Jesus. Really? Three hours of sleep? I needed to talk to someone. Well, not someone, Richard. But after last night, I'm pretty sure I'm not allowed to call him any more. He doesn't want to speak to me, and anyway, I've got more pride than that... I think. I watched TV until it was a 'reasonable' time to call Izzy.
“We split up.”
“Uh.. Are you sure? We have been over this like, a million times before.”
“Yeah, I'm sure.”
“Alright.”
There was mumbling in the background which I understood was Isabel telling George to go back to sleep and him murmuring some reply about his 'god sent brother'.
“Iz, is this a bad time?” Isabel laughed softly over the phone.
“No, 7 O' clock. Perfect time for a nice chat.”
“Sorry, don't worry about it. We'll talk later.” I could hear George continuing to talk to her in the background and her giggling and complaining at his obviously fascinating comments.
“Yeah. Good idea. I'll come over if I get the chance, yeah?”
“Yeah.” I hung up before she had even had the chance. I didn't want to listen to her insincere regrets. I'd prefer to be alone.
But not really.
I spent the rest of the morning tiding away anything he might have pulled out. Washing anything he might have sat on or worn. Needless to say, it took a while. Around oneish, Isabel arrived, glowing like she always did with little Maggie in tow.
“Thought it would be just the thing,” Izzy cooed as she pushed the baby onto my lap, who gurgled appreciatively “To cheer auntie Annie up!” I forced a smile and bounced her up and down a few times, which she seemed to immensely enjoy. Satisfied, my sister sat in the chair next to the sofa where I sat. She sat, perched on the edge, legs crossed, hands resting in her lap, her face was stony and piercing, ready for battle. At times, I'm terrified of my sister. We sat like this for what seemed like an eternity before she finally broke me. My shoulders shuddered and before I knew it I was weeping. Without saying anything, Isabel quietly put her child back in her buggy. There was not comforting, no reassuring. Just silence. When I looked up though, I thought I could almost see sympathy in her eyes. Like she cared that my world was falling apart.
Eventually, she sat beside me. She placed her hand delicately on mine. After we fell into utter silence, she spoke.
“You should forgive him.” I looked at her, my eyes wide in disbelief.
“What?”
“Whatever he has done, you should forgive him.” she tightened her grip. “You have been with him what, three years? And I have never seen him happier. Or you. Whatever he's done, he's worth it.”
“SHUT UP!” she narrowed her eyes.
“What?”
“You heard me Isabel! You know nothing, NOTHING!”
“You know what? Forget it!” She swept out within seconds and I was left alone again.
“Happy Birthday Annie!” I grinned at my family. My mother, my father, Izzy, George, Edward and Richard. Richard. Smiling the brightest and the best. The sun in splendour. Oh I love him. I have loved him so much and for so long it is like an ache, such a longing. What almost makes it worse is that he is so kind and so nice to me! If he was cruel and spiteful, well that would make my life so easy! I laugh at myself fro thinking it. His face changes to confusion, thinking I was laughing at him. I brought my eyes down to the floor, looking away shyly from his gaze. I only looked up when I received a pinch from Izzy, her eyes icy.
“Don't be an idiot, Annie. And don't make a scene.” I continued to look down, knowing Izzy would soon know the reason why. And then it came, her reply, filled with scorn.
“Oh Annie! You can't really like him! He has such funny eyes, and he's always so serious...”
“Stop it Izzy!” She rolled her eyes and sauntered away to talk to George. It was then I met his gaze again. His eyes still fixed on me, his mouth, no longer grinning, but turned up at the corner. I returned his smile and we mutually broke it to talk to others in our party.
It wasn't until much later that we actually talked. The party had broken up and most people had gone upstairs (if they hadn't gone home). I was watching the stars outside on my garden step, absorbing every ounce of beauty that you can while you are in London, when I heard the door click behind me and felt his warm body slide in next to mine. I knew is was Richard.
“You escaped.” I laughed softly.
“If this is escape I cannot imagine captivity.” He chuckled under his breath. I shivered. Without a word he took off his jacket and wrapped it around my shoulders. I took in the smell of it. Within seconds, he had both his hands around my neck, his lips almost touching mine.
“Happy Birthday Anne.”
And then they did.
I've always hated this flat. It's cramped and damp and at night I can hear the pipes clunking. I didn't mind it so much at first, when it was just me and him, our little love nest in Soho. It had been so exciting. But all too soon reality had come around and had forced us to see that we were no longer children and that we could no longer live in a world of love and romance. That sucked.
I remember the day we moved in. At the door, he lifted me up in his arms. I squirmed and he laughed, he was strong and I was weak. We entered our threshold.
“This is it, our first home.” He had never sounded so proud.
“Yes, our very own. Put me down now.”
I regret ever wishing I was out of his arms.
15:03 Receiving Call From: Jackass Boss.
Oh shit.
“Hello?” try to sound sick, try to sound sick...
Hello Annie? It's Gwen.” Thank God. “You didn't come in today, and me and Merlin were just worried sick. Are you OK?” I ran my fingers through my hair.
“Yeah. I'm fine. Just a little issue.. Wait, why are you using Arthur's phone?” she giggled quietly.
“Merlin pickpockets him when he's annoying.” I couldn't help smiling. “Are you OK?” I thought about it. For a long time.
“Not really.” she sighed deeply and I wondered whether I had said the right thing.
“Give me an hour, I’ll be there.” I silently thanked the Lord. I heard her move the phone away from her ear, about to end the call.
“Wait! Gwen?”
“What?”
“Please bring alcohol.”
Unlike my sister, Gwen sticks to her word. Within 45 minutes, she was at my door with two bottles of wine and Merlin in tow. Gwen followed me into the kitchen as Merlin plonked himself down heavily on my ancient furniture which shivered with every movement you made. I suddenly became infuriated with Gwen, staring at me sympathetically, but without saying a word, wait for me to start the conversation she was obviously desperate to have.
“Look, I know you're here and that's lovely.” I sounded a lot more angry than I had originally intended, but I almost felt the need to carry on. “I know you want me to talk about it, talk it through. Like it helps. But it doesn't, it never does. So if that's all you came here for then you can just..” She pulled me close to her and just held me there, not exactly a hug, but almost as if she was holding me together, as if she knew that I was falling apart inside. After a while she pulled me away and cupped my face.
“We don't have to talk about anything. We came here because we love you.” I nodded meekly.
So we sat for the next six hours, supping our wine, pretending to be grown-ups, eating anything I could find in my practical empty fridge, watching TV, chatting about everything and nothing. It wasn't the perfect evening, and it wouldn't be for a long time, but it was fine, which was all I needed now.
When it got to ten, Gwen went home.
“Morgan will wonder where I am.” Merlin and I looked at each other knowingly. Gwen rolled her eyes and laughed. “Let me know if you need me, OK?”
“Will do!” Merlin shouted at her, his gaze still glued at the screen.
“I was talking to Anne!” He clicked his tongue in a sort of response.
“I will.” I wont.
A while after she left, Merlin and me just carried on watching TV, saying nothing.
“I think he's a dick.” His eyes never left the screen.
“What?” As if I didn't know what he was saying.
“He is.” I gave in.
“No, he's not.”
“Yes he is.”
“I thought you liked him!”
“I did, until this morning.” I scoffed and sunk further into the sofa.
“Thank you.”
“Do you want to talk about it?” I thought for a moment.
“No. I don't think I do. Night.” I slowly stepped away from the sofa and towards the direction of my room.
“Night Annie.”
I waited behind my door for him to leave. As soon as he did, I tucked myself under my covers, and pulled my pillow down to reach my head. I'd forgotten to wash this one, it smelt just like him. I slept better than I had in days.
The next morning, I woke up at nine to the sound of my phone buzzing. It was Gwen asking if I was coming in. I said I would call her. I switched off my phone. For some reason, I almost found it easier to be on my own than to go out. My world had imploded. But everyone else's lives had carried on, and what difference did I make in the outside world? For now, I would stay here. And no one, not my boss or Gwen or Merlin or even Richard could get me out.
Two months passed. And after being dangerously close to losing my job (as well as my sanity) I went back to work. It helped too. Work took my mind off things, throwing myself into menial tasks that I used to groan and complain about. Every now and then, when I'm alone in the flat, I catch myself remembering the days when we used to sit on the sofa, the days when I would rub his back from where he used to suffer from spondylosis, when he used to tickle the tender part of my feet until I begged for mercy. I really do hate that house.
“Hey Annie!” Merlin popped his head around my cubicle wall, I threw him a cheeky smile.
“Good morning! And a good night too by the look of you!” I rasied my eyebrow at him as he tugged at the clothes he definatly wore the day before.“Washing machine broken again?”
“Something like that.” He laughed. I laughed too until I saw Arthur's head appear out of his office door. I shut up and stared at Merlin until he shut up too. “I'll see you at lunch.” he whispers as he makes his way to Arthur's office. I continued to work until I heard my phone bleep.
11:13 Message Recieved: Izzy. Family dinner tonight 8@mine . come or your dead.
I replied with a simple 'you're' and for almost a second, I felt superior. But it didn't last.
When I met Merlin for lunch at the coffee shop around the corner he could imeddiatly tell there was something wrong.
“What is it?”
“Nothing.” I replied, absent-mindedly stirring my coffee. He scoffed.
“Yeah right.” He rolled his eyes, lent back and crossed his arms, waiting for my real answer.
“My sister has a family dinner planned, and threatned death if I don't come.” He took a sharp intake of breath.
“Harsh.”
“Yeah.” I thought we were done, but Merlin obviously didn't. We sat in silence, his arms still crossed, looking at me with suspision.
“Will Richard be there?” Nail on the head as always.
“I don't know. It's not even like I think I'm going to start crying or screaming or anything if I see him,” Merlin was laughing. “But it's just... just... just that he has a girlfriend and I don't.” Merlin raised a single eyebrow. “Oh God, you know what I mean!”
“You know, I could.” Was he asking what I think he was asking?
“You could what?”
“I could be your fake date.” OK, not exactly what I was thinking, but pretty close.
“Yeah, that could work.”
“Cool.”
“Cool.”
As the hours crept towards eight, I began to get nervous. When she said family dinner, how 'family' did she mean? My family which consisted of Mum, Izzy and George, I guess. Which made me nervous anyway as my mother is an extremly terrifing woman. But George's family? Jesus. Aunt Cecily, Edward and Lizzie, Ed's wife and their daughter Beth, who was JUST as scary as her mother despite the fact she's six, and Richard. Please don't let him be there, PLEASE don't let him be there. I made my way up George and Isabel's driveway and tried to pretend that my heart wasn't skipping a beat everytime I thought of it. Beth opened the door and her face literally fell.
“Oh, hi.” She went back through the door, leaving the front door open for me and Merlin. His signiture eyebrow raised.
“Charming.” I hit his chest.
“Shush, she's lovely. Kind-of.” He laughed almost silently and took my hand. He really is going for this 'fake relationship' I thought. Not that I minded, obviously. I mean, Merlin's my best friend, but I have fancied him as long as I've known him. I really don't want it to be because he looks like Richard, but it's probably because he looks like Richard. “Hey Izzy!”
“Annie! You came!” she pulled me in for a hug. It lasted until she saw Merlin, lurking in the doorway. She pulled herself off me and looked at me with utter confusion. “Anne, who's this?” It was spooky. Suddenly every quiet little conversation that had taken place before abruptly stopped and everyone turned and stared at us. In complete silence.
“Um.. this is.. um, Merlin. My...” I so nearly said friend.
“Boyfriend.” He took my sister's hand and shook it. I heard someone at the table choke. Izzy took it in her stride, as usual.
“Please come sit down both of you! It's a pleasure to meet you!”
“And you!” He was really enjoying this. “Anne has told me so much about you, all of you.” I cleared my throat and overtly looked for Richard.
“Merlin?” Beth was sitting on Lizzie's lap, having her hair stroked as if she was a pet. “Like the wizard?”
“Like the wizard. And you are Elizabeth, like the queen.” She smiled sweetly, obviously favourable to the idea of being queen. I looked at him, gobsmacked. He smiled at me as if to say: 'you've seen nothing yet' and began to compliment my sister on her decor. I had to hand it to him, he knows his audience.
At the end of the night, Isabel came to say goodnight. Merlin had gone on to the car, so it was just us. In the background, I could hear Beth crying that she had to be parted from Merlin. Wow.
“Merlin's nice, isn't he?”
“Yes, he is.” Goodnight, goodnight, goodnight, goodnight.
“How long have you known him?” Great.
“Two years? Something like that.”
“Two years? Huh. You never mentioned him before?”
“He's just a friend,” I cleared my throat hoping to cover my mistake. “well he was.”
“Whose now your boyfriend?” What was she getting at?
“Yes. Goodnight Iz.” I turned away, but she grabbed my arm.
“No. Look, none of us know why you and Richard split up, I mean, you seemed so happy, but if this,” she shook her head. “If he was the reason, then I think you've made a huge mistake” she plicked a strand of hair away from her face and continued. “I mean, you can't let other people get in the way of your relationship. I mean, what has Merlin got that Richard hasn't?” I got really angry, really fast.
“Seriously? You think I would do that?” Isabel looked embarrased, because she knew everyone could hear, like I cared. “It is not your's or George's or Edward's right to know why me and Richard broke up. But as my sister, you should be happy for me that I have finally picked myself off the floor. Goodnight.” I walked, feeling almost triamphant.
“Annie!” she called out, but I hardened my ears, I didn't want to listen to her anymore. When I got in the car, Merlin stared at me, half in amusment, the other in disbelief.
“What the hell was that?”
“Don't ask.” I growled. “Just drive.” Like usual, Merlin didn't go down without a fight.
“No, but seriously?” I turned my head.
“Look, just drive. Or I will get out of this car and walk home.”
“Alright, alright, claws in.” and he drove. Izzy had been amost right though.
“Answer it later.” He pulled me possessively closer.
“I can't” I struggled for freedom.
“Don't answer, or I'll leave you.”
“Fine.” and I broke free. He mumbled angrily for two seconds, and then fell back in his heavy, aswell as noisy sleep. I pulled on one of my shirts and took my phone into the living room. Now, this flat I liked. Eddie's family had quite a lot of money, but only one child to spend it on, so naturally he lived the high life. If you met him for the first time, you could tell he was an only child. It's just that air of self importance, the idea that you are privilaged to even be near them and to share the air they breathed. Or in my case, the title as 'The Prince's girlfriend.' Which I wasn't. Not for a long while. We shared the bed because it was a one bed flat and he was determind that neither of us would sleep on the sofa. We shared the flat because he wanted to prove to all his friends that he was definatly straight and I wanted to prove to Richard that I was completly over him. I guess we were both wrong. I answered the call from Izzy.
“Izzy?”
“Oh Annie.” She was crying.
“Izzy what is it?” Eddie appeared in the room disgustingly underdressed.
“It's Dad.”
I went on my own to his funeral. However much I wanted to prove to Richard that he hadn't hurt me, I didn't want Eddie anywhere near my family on that day. He wasn't a genrally liked man, but it was a sweet sevice, tasteful and beautiful. He would have hated it. I didn't cry. I think people expected me to, but I truly didn't feel the need. Izzy did. George took one hand and I took the other and we just sat there. Maybe I was shocked. It had been unexpected. He had been a hale and hearty man who had never lost a battle. It was his heart apparently. They found him at the office the morning she had phoned me. My mother said she didn't care. But then she locked herself in the house and she never really was the same again. So I suppose she did.
I didn't go back to George and Isabel's after the service, I felt like being alone. And so I was until I heard him come up behind me.
“Richard.”
“Hello Anne.” I turned to face him. It had been over two years since I had seen him last. My sixteenth birthday.The day he, we kissed. But also the day he left for college, the day he left me without a word. My heart broken. Which is when my father decided to set me up with Eddie. “I'm sorry for your loss. I was very fond of your father.”
“Thank you. I know you were, and he loved you too.” Was he crying?
“Yes.” We stood, not making eye contact, in silence. I wondered if he had missed me at all. Before he had left, he had been my best friend. And I thought I had been his. I almost hoped this was killing him as much as it was killing me. Once again, I was so glad that Eddie hadn't come. I couldn't bear to see the comparison face to face.
“How are you?” It was feeble, pathetic and hopeless, but he took it.
“I am well. You?” He took both my hands and pulled me closer. My heart stopped.
“I missed you.” His face was grave, he'd never looked so serious. He let go of my hands and took off his jacket, wrapping it around me, pulling me closer still. He lent down and I put both my arms around his neck, closing any space between us. When we finally touched, it was light and delacate, nothing like two years of bottled up passion should be. After he pulled away, I looked at him with obvious confusion. He laughed under his breath and rested his forehead against mine.
“Really Anne, did you think I'd kiss you in a churchyard?”
Then we went home. And stayed there for three years.
Merlin had suddenly become quite a fixture in my life. We spent more and more time at each other's houses, spent more time talking on the phone when we were separated, and most importantly, when people told us we were such as sweet couple, it seemed less like a lie.
“Hey Cutie!” I was sitting at my desk at work, Merlin poked his head up over my cubicle wall.
“Hey Baby!” It was a joke, it had to be. But Merlin was only supposed to be my 'boyfriend' for one night at my sister's house. And it had been a month and a half. Not that I minded, nothing changed in the way of our friendship. And it took a lot of pressure off us to be dating which both of us hated. (I hated it because I had only just broken up with Richard and I was still pretty sore. He didn't like dating because, well, I didn't really know. But he really didn't) And everyone thought it was adorable, the office romance. The only person who thought it was inappropriate was Arthur, but then when was he ever happy? You would never guess he was only eight years older than me. He was so ridiculously serious.
“What are you doing tonight?” Merlin had mischeif in his eyes.
“I don't know what are you doing?” I returned the favour.
“Well, I was thinking of taking my girlfriend out for dinner, but I just can't find her! Where could she be?” I rolled my eyes and turned back to my computer. “No, seriously. Would you like to go out for dinner?”
“Yeah, I would love it. Anything other than ready made macaroni and cheese.” He pulled a face.
“Wait here after work?”
“Yeah sure.” I laughed inwardly as I saw Merlin saunter towards Arthur's office and throw him a flirtatious look. There was nothing on this Earth Merlin enjoyed more than making Arthur blush.
At six I was standing at my desk with my jacket and bag on, waiting for Merlin to come out of Arthur's office. Eventually he did, and after saying goodnight to Arthur, who grunted something back, we headed off.
“So, where are we going?” I linked my arm through Merlin's as we walked. He lent over and whispered in my ear,
“It's a secret.” I couldn't help laughing.
“When do you ever keep secrets from me?” He didn't answer, just smiled at his shoes as if I already knew it. I really thought I did.
When we reached the restraraunt, I gasped. This was our place. I tried to hide my shock as best as I could. Obviously quite well as Merlin grinned down at me.
“I knew you liked this place. You were always talking about it.” Yeah I was. We got a table and sat down. I ignored my usual dish and went for the fish. Merlin went for the same. “It's nice here.”
“Yeah it really is.” I knew he wanted me to talk, to laugh and joke. But I couldn't help remembering the last time I was here with Richard, when we were still... together. “So how was your day?” Wow, that was pathetic.
“Good. Arthur kept in line, I went over it, usual stuff.”
“I don't get it with you two. Do you actually get on?” He looked surprised.
“Of course! Why else would I stay?” I smiled.
“For me?” He didn't.
Then it happened.
“Oh my God.” I said. I was stuck between wanting to fidget and wanting to keep deadly still so he wouldn't notice me.
“What is it?” Was he annoyed?
“Richard is here.” He jumped up.
“Where?”
“Please sit down!” I angrily hissed. “He'll notice!” He abruptly sat down.
“Sorry. Do you want to go?” I didn't have time to answer. A vision of beauty appeared at the door, and made her way over to his table. Eliza York.
“Oh God.”
“What is it?” His eyes fell on Richard and his golden beauty. “Oh shit.” He took my hand. “Lets go.” I nodded. But I couldn't move. My eyes were glued to the nightmare in front of me. They were talking and laughing, both their hands on the table, almost touching. How could this be happening?She noticed me first. How could she not? Genrally, you do notice when a vaugly familiar stranger is staring at you and your date. She lent over and whispered the fatal words: 'Do you know her?' I tried to move. I tried to hide. But he saw me. He started. I don't know who grabs whose hand, but I knew that I was holding onto Merlin, and that we were running.
“Anne!” I heard it as I left the restaurant, but I was moving too fast to be able to respond, or even look back. I felt my heart breaking all over again.
We slowed down after a while, no longer having the nesessity to run. Merlin was panting and laughing alternatly.
“That was amazing!” Was he stupid? I didn't reply. I just carried on walking. “Well, I guess dinner's off.” He was still laughing “What do you want to do? Yours?”
“Yeah. But on my own.” He stopped walking. I didn't.
“Anne!”
“No, sorry Anne. He went home early. I'd try him there if I were you.”
“Oh! Alright Francis. Thanks anyway.” I hung up the phone. I knew something was wrong from that moment. Firstly, Home? I thought his home was with me in our flat, not in the flat he kept for business. And Secondly, Richard was the most honest person I knew, partially because he was a terrible liar. So if he'd lied to me, it meant something. Anyway, I planned to find out.
As I made my way up the stairs, I was filled with childish excitement, the kind I always got when I was near him. I was 21 years old, and he made me feel like I was 12 again, with a crush on the boy in the year above me. Two flights of stairs before I reached his door, I got out the key he had cut me. I stopped, I could hear his voice, and anothers. I looked up and I could see his and his companion's legs. They were tanned and thin, with white high heels. I moved a few steps up and I caught the glimpse of a very short, very tight skirt.
“Nice place you have here. How long have you been here?”
“Three years.”
“Yeah, really nice. You live on your own?”
“Yes, I do.”
“Bet your girlfriend loves that.” What?
I don't have one.” WHAT?
“What? Pretty boy lawyers like you should always have nice girls tucked away somewhere.”
“I can't make an exception?” and then he shut the door. I fell to the floor, sat on the step. What has just happened? I had sat there for over ten minutes when I decided to go up and see for myself, praying to God it wasn't true. When I reached the door I put my ear next to it. Nothing. As quietly as I could, I put the key in the lock and turned it. There was mumbling from the living room. So I moved closer. I should have gone home.
“Well, it sounds very convincing, but.. ugh. You know?”
“Yes, of course. But I know you wouldn't regret it.” I heard his voice and resisted the impulse to call out.
“Well, I have to say, I'm very impressed.”
“You should be.” She lent forward, he lent forward. I screamed.
I ran.