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Ryan understood alienation. Isolation. He understood how being in a relationship with so many people had its doubts just the same as being in a relationship with one person did. Nothing was certain, nothing set in stone, and no one could always be 100% sure of themselves and others. It just wasn’t how humans worked.
Even he had had his doubts about their relationship and him joining them but they’d been so happy. Gavin had been shining for days, Geoff giggled more openly, Michael joked more, Ray wiggled his eyebrows at him with a smile, and Jack leaned on him for silent support and sent rare but beautiful smiles his way. That’s when he knew he belonged with them. They made him happy, balanced his life, and he made them happy. He had no illusions the road would be smooth, and he was okay with that.
Right until Jack started to draw away from them.
He thought they were all happy together, yet Jack looked so sad. Started pulling away from them all. It was distressing and everyone had noticed. Whenever Ray was cuddling between them on the couch, Jack would stare down at the feet in his lap like they’d told him Santa was dead. With sagged shoulders, Ray stopped putting his feet on Jack. Maybe then he’d be happy because clearly Ray’s feet were causing a huge problem-only they weren’t. Jack’s emotional state didn’t improve.
Gavin always sat between Jack and Geoff during meals. It was the only way he could actually eat without getting into a playfight or having his food stolen. Gavin always leaned into Jack when they ate, laughing against his shoulder and stealing all his warmth. But then Jack started flinching when the brit touched him and it was one of the saddest things Ryan ever witnessed. The boy looked so heart broken and began to sit between Ryan and Geoff, with Jack out of reach. Gavin would send the man longing, heartbroken glances that were never seen because he was always staring sadly down at his food.
Michael wasn’t dumb. He’d had depressed friends before, had suicidal friends, had heartbroken ones. He knew what sad looked like and seeing Jack showing all the signs clearly hurt him. His shoulders sagged, his eyes dulled and watered, his lips turned down, and Ryan could almost see the gears in his mind turning try to figure out ‘how’. How could he make their Jack happy? How could he help? Jack noticed Michael’s behavior and it only seemed to make things worse- he withdrew more and talked to Michael less.
That was when Ryan noticed Jack was spending more nights out with him on the couch. More nights reading to him until exhaustion was just too much. Thinking the boys were keeping him up he’d drawn Jack close and curled up with him nightly even if he wasn’t tired. But it made Jack sleep less and he felt guilty. So he began to reject a story at night, reject cuddling up and would make chamomile tea for the man. Keeping him away from the boys with the hope that he’d catch some sleep. It didn’t work either and it made Ryan want to tear all of his hair out.
The most heartbreaking thing Ryan had ever seen or heard however, was when Geoff called Jack a dumbass and the man’s shoulders sagged and head shook. Geoff looked like he’d been shot. His eyes were so hollow it was like an abyss and he licked his lips before swallowing. He was blinking rapidly like he was trying to hold back tears and ran a hand down across his face to rest at his chin, covering his mouth. The two of them were what started this relationship and any idiot could tell that Jack was Geoff’s rock. He was what kept him grounded and steady, able to deal with everyone, ready to face the world. To see him realize he was losing his first idiot- it destroyed the soul. Geoff painstakingly took care not to call Jack his idiot, his dumbass, or anything. Even though he’d already confided in Ryan he doubt it would help- there was no hope in those eyes. It got worse when Jack just left.
That night was the worst of the five boys’ lives.
Ryan had taken Geoff out for drinks- they needed a night between them because Geoff needed to break down. Needed to just let everything out and confide in someone but Jack wasn’t there to let him like he usually was so Ryan stepped in. He refused to let his boys fall apart. He hadn’t touched anything alcoholic all night until he got a worrying text. Then he’d ordered a beer to nurse just to help him stay calm and texted curiously to Jack.
Jack just left without saying anything. -Ray
Geoff, on his 6 or 7th beer, didn’t take it as well. He ran his hand through his hair and all but screamed “Shit” down at his phone. The man was shaking too. Clearly, it was not a good night. Any asshole could tell that. Ryan was so busy trying to stay calm and chase away idiots who came over to hit on Geoff -No, his boyfriend was no open to your flirtations please remove yourself from his side- that he almost didn’t see the second text.
Jack’s key is on the table and he’s not answering. -Gavin
All his breath left him at once. People didn’t leave house keys behind unless they didn’t plan on returning. If they didn’t plan on returning either they were leaving people behind, which Ryan really hoped wasn’t it- they needed Jack like they needed water to survive, or they were leaving everything behind. That hit Ryan hard. Jack, who had been sad for a few months now, who couldn’t be consoled, who wouldn’t talk about it, had left his house key behind.
Oh God. Ryan would take Jack just leaving them behind as long as it meant the man was alive and well.
He kept texting, kept inquiring after his baby. But Jack wouldn’t answer and Ryan destroyed the beer bottle in his hands by accident. Shit. That would hurt later but he needed Jack to answer. He asked people not even in their relationship to see if they could get a hold of him but even Joel couldn’t. He told Geoff to stay at the bar, and went to the bathroom. He needed to clear his head and rinse the blood off his hands. Glass beer bottles were not skin friendly. When he came back Geoff was gone. It was terrifying.
Even more terrifying when he walked outside to see the car gone.
It took several phone calls and careful planning to get Geoff to pull over. It took even more to convince him not to call the cops and move to the passenger side so sober Ryan could drive. Jack wasn’t answering and Geoff’s shaking was increasing. He tried pleading with Jack to answer before he drove home- maybe he’d be there. Maybe one of the boys had already talked him down. It wasn’t likely but it was the only thought that kept him calm enough to drive.
Only when they got home he wasn’t there and Gavin wasn’t making coherent sense. Ray looked like a mess and wouldn’t talk to anyone. Michael was crying and shaking with worry, silent fury, and pain. Geoff took one look at them all and snapped his fingers. Then he started muttering something about boys, pythons, idiots, and Jack. Great, nonsense. Ryan felt like his knees would buckle under him as he tried to support them all until Jack would answer while also begging the man not to do something stupid. He needed Jack. They all needed Jack. Then Geoff said he knew where the man probably was and Ryan actually cried. Thank God they had an idea at least. He drove them over silently.
The door to the apartment was open and Ryan’s heart dropped. No. No, no, no, no, no this wasn’t happening it couldn’t be. He rushed in to find Jack curled up on the couch crying and he nearly tripped getting to the man’s side. Oh thank god he was breathing and alive. He couldn’t have..Wouldn’t have been able to.. Coherent thoughts just couldn’t form. His arms draped themselves over Jack without a second thought as the rest of the boys came over to try and see how they could help, what they could do. Pulse was steady. So steady and still going and not slowing. He cried more and felt more than saw Gavin kneel next to him.
"We shou-should mo…move him. Bed." Speaking was hard when his throat felt so heavy and his eyes stung, but it was true. The boys responses slipped away but he could faintly recognize the agreements. Gavin’s hand ran across his back in comfort while the Brit stared at Jack. Clearly, he didn’t feel like he had the right to touch him. A glance around the room told him that the others felt just about the same, except Geoff. He looked like he was going to set Jack aflame.
Ryan picked the man up and brought him into the bedroom-not before almost placing him into the bathroom instead. He set him down on the bed, kissing his cheek before drawing away to look at the room. Jack’s things were everywhere and suddenly Ryan saw things a few things a lot clearer.
1. Jack was sad for months and his emotional state only got worse when the boys treated him differently.
2. Jack didn’t want to talk about it because he was planning to leave them behind.
3. Jack was done with them.
The last one hurt and he couldn’t believe it. It had to be his imagination because Jack wouldn’t leave them for anything. Had to be still in love with them. Had to. His fingers trailed over items in the room as the rest of them trickled in. Gavin was the first to give in and curl himself into Jack’s side, still crying. An arm wound around him and Ryan froze. Michael got on the other side of him next, laying on the stretch out arm and curling his fingers into the man’s shirt. Ray went next, curled up on the other side of Gavin with his fingers running through Jack’s hair. The man’s arm tightens around them and Ryan lets the tension leave him at the sight of Jack so protectively holding the lads. Geoff hesitates at the end of the bed and stares at them before asking Ryan when he plans to join them. He just shakes his head- he can’t join them. There’s still too much adrenaline in his system and there’s no way he can sleep tonight. Geoff accepts his answer without much fuss and asks him to pack Jack’s shit- he’s coming home.
Oddly, there’s no argument when Geoff tells everyone to let him talk to Jack alone when they wake up. He’s clearly pissed and knows more about what’s going on then they do. They do force him to agree to tell them afterwards what the fuck happened though. Then Ryan starts packing everything because he will drag Jack back by the ears if he has to but the man is coming home with them tomorrow, end of story. He loses track of time and doesn’t realize when morning hits until Ray leaves the bedroom. The puerto rican pulls him onto the couch and won’t let him move. A few minutes later Gavin joins them. Then Michael comes out with red knuckles and joins them too. They soothe each other as Geoff and Jack get loud, only to quiet down immediately. Then everything goes silent for a minute and each of them stills. Maybe someone else should have been with the two gents?
The thought leaves a moment later when Jack’s laughter carries out of the room. He’s okay. They’re okay. A wave of jubilation passes over him and he carefully detangles himself from the lads to go tell Geoff everything’s ready. He brings himself into the bedroom and watches Jack’s eyes light up at the sight of him. Oh this idiotic, lovable, bearded asshole. Ryan brings himself to the side of the bed so he doesn’t have to scream but Jack pulls him onto the bed and into a kiss before he can force any words out. When they separate, apologies fall like rain and he leans into Jack with fresh tears. Geoff wraps an arm around Ryan and words finally begin to leave his mouth.
He tells them everything is packed and they’re ready to go home, but trips over his words. They’re ready to go home, that is, he means, if Jack still wants to come home with them. He understands they’re not the best choices to live with and harder still to deal with romantically. Jack cuts him off and tells him they’re the worst to live with and impossible to please but still the best things he’s ever had in his life.