Chapter Text
It had been a few months since Katie had confessed that he, was in fact, a she. And that was okay.
A few weeks after that, she'd asked to be called Pidge. Just Pidge. Team Voltron complied with that, and Pidge was Pidge. And everything was okay.
She was okay.
There were a great many things that Pidge missed about earth. Peanut butter, Peanut butter cookies, her mom, her dog - the list could go on. But there were things that she didn't miss.
The wary looks from the people in the women's bathroom. The snickers from the people in the men's bathroom. The irritated looks from people as she went into the disabled bathroom. A unisex bathroom was a Godsend - a rare one, at that. But Pidge would take what she could get.
In space, Pidge was just... Pidge. Paladin of the green lion. Shortest member of the group. The techy nerd. The computer whiz. They were Pidge.
Pidge was a girl. She wasn't broken, or strange. There was no one to judge her. She wasn't Kevin. She was Pidge Katie Holt, and that was all okay.
Pidge.
Plain old Pidge.
Plain old pudgy Pidge.
It wasn't okay.
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On nights when she couldn't sleep - which was most nights - Pidge would sneak out of bed, to her bathroom. Although it was cluttered with makeup and jewellery from an excited Allura, and computer parts that shouldn't be anywhere near water, the large mirror over the sink was still visible, it was cold and unkind to her.
Pidge would investigate every inch of her face. Sighing at bushy eyebrows or zits or whatever else. She'd perch on the toilet seat, standing on tiptoes - to get a view of her whole body.
She took her jacket off, standing in a t-shirt and shorts. Her stupid, boyish figure filled the mirror disappointingly.
Pidge took of her t-shirt and shorts, standing in her bra and underwear. She looked at her reflect in the mirror. She pinched her stomach fat. It was everywhere that she wished it wasn't, and the one place she wished it was - her chest - was flat, flat, flat.
She wadded up some loo roll, shoving it into her bra. Hands on hips, stomach sucked in, she tried to look confident and sexy. But all she was fat, fat, fat.
She looked ridiculous. Sighing, she clambered down off of the toilet seat and wedged herself between the sink and the bathtub. Pidge brought her knees up to her chest, feeling trapped in her stupid fat masculine body. She wished she'd been born a girl. She wanted boobs and curves, and a teeny hourglass figure that was undeniably feminine.
Thundering footsteps filled the room, and the door to the bathroom was pushed back by none other than Hunk.
"Yo - Pidge? You in here? Grubs up-" He began, quickly cutting himself off when he saw Pidge wedged in the tiny crevice.
"Hunk! Jesus fuck! Knock - why don't ya!" She exclaimed, aiming a shampoo bottle at his head.
"Shit - sorry!" Hunk yelled, backing away and closing the door just in time for the bottle to hit the door and not his head.
Fuck.
She sighed deeply – burying her head in her hands, tears welling up in her eyes.
Fuck.
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Surprisingly, tonight’s meal was not green Altean food goo; (Which was neither nutritious nor delicious.) but rather some mysterious looking pink blobby thing, speckled with some sort of yellow… berries?
It didn’t look that great, but maybe if she closed her eyes, it might be a bit more bearable…?
She gingerly took a spoonful of the suspicious substance, and stared at it for a few seconds. Pidge then angled her spoon down towards her bowl, watching as the food slid off with a satisfying “plop”.
“Something wrong, Pidge?” Shiro asked, sitting across from her, watching as Pidge anxiously looked at the food.
“No…” She mumbled, not wanting to make eye contact. “Just not feeling too well. Sorry.” She quickly rose from her seat, leaving the untouched bowl behind, avoiding Hunk’s gaze from a few seats down.
“Pidge, wait-“ Shiro quickly chirped, beginning to stand up.
Pidge gave an obviously false and overexaggerated yawn. “I’m really tired. Gonna get an early night. Mmhmm.” And with that, she quickly left the room, heading back to her own room, with a fluttery feeling in her stomach – almost like some sort of pride, a sense of achievement. But for what? She hadn’t done anything. But that was the whole point – she hadn’t eaten. And that was good?
She shook her head, as if it would clear the thoughts from her swarming mind.
Well it wasn’t bad.
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She leaned against the door, exhaling heavily. She closed her eyes as she buried her face in her hands, and slid down the door.
What was wrong with her? Where had all of this come from? This sudden unhealthy mindset had seemingly blossomed from nowhere. Or perhaps her manly shoulders, and her broad chest.
Manly and broad.
It was hardly a description that Pidge could use to describe themselves. Shiro was manly and broad. Keith was manly and broad. Hunk was manly and broad. Lance and Coran, were arguably, also manly and broad. If a little tall and lanky.
But Pidge was neither or those things. She was a shit boy and she was a shit girl. She was shit at everything for that matter.
She glanced across the room at her laptop. Orange LED flickering – begging for a charge. Pidge removed her glasses, and rubbed her eyes. She could really use a charge. Rising to her feet and stumbling slightly across the room into her bed, her head hit the soft pillow, a moment of comfort in an otherwise harsh world. Peaceful. She gave a blissful sigh. She felt peaceful.
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She deciphered from the quietness of the castle, and the darkness of her room, that it must be night-time; or at least sleeping time. She rolled over in her bed, stretching out and groaning slightly as she satisfyingly cracked her neck. Her stomach suddenly gave a large tell-tale rumble, shaking Pidge’s small frame.
“Shush!” She called out into the dark and empty room. The loneliness and solitude only now becoming apparent when she was alone in the dark. Pidge brought her knees to her chest, holding herself together as if she might fall apart. She needed to keep her limbs together, keep herself together. She ran her thumbs up and down her arms. Up to her collarbones. To her ribs. She wrapped them tightly around her stomach – trying to bind herself together. Make her smaller, and smaller, until she’d disappear. Fade away, leaving a pair of twisted glasses behind, then emerging from a cocoon, blossoming into a beautiful woman.
She dreamed of jumping up from her bed, pulling her hair down to her waist and having clear skin, and hips and a tiny waist, and boobs. Wearing pretty dresses and heels and never stumbling or having anyone question her gender. Because she was Katie Holt. She was Katie Holt and she was so beautiful, and confident…
And selfish.
She was so selfish. Her brother and father were trapped somewhere in space. They could be dead for all she knew. They could be dead.
Oh god, they could be dead.
The tears started flowing down her cheeks in waterfalls as her small frame was wracked with bitter sobs. She wanted her family, she wanted her mother. She wanted to be Katie. But she wasn’t Katie. She was Pidge. She didn’t even deserve that name, she was Kevin. He was Kevin.
He was Kevin the fucked-up kid who wanted to wear dresses.
Her body shook with loud sobs, and she didn’t even hear the heavy footsteps padding down the corridor, and the door opening.
“Katie? I mean- Pidge? Are you alright?” Shiro’s clear and confident voice rang out through the room,
Clear as day. She wasn’t alright. Why on earth wasn’t she alright?
Shiro’s footsteps made their way across the room, and she felt the bed sink as he perched cautiously on the end. He really was like a father to her. He was the closest link she had to her father.
“Are you still not feeling well?” He asked, a slight quiver to his voice. Pidge responded to his question with a few gulping sobs, and otherwise – silence.
“Have you eaten anything?” He quizzed further. Even through the darkness, Pidge could feel his worried, yet kind eyes gazing across her small form.
“No.”
“I really think you should – it might make you feel better?”
“I’m not hungry.”
“Are you sure?”
Quick as a beat, Pidge responded.
“Very sure.”
Shiro let out a quiet sigh, and Pidge held her breath.
“I’m fine. Don’t worry about it.”
“You were crying though.”
“Just a bad dream.”
She could feel his eyes boring into her, trying to find some sign that she was lying. Trying to find out what was wrong. His eyes scanned around the room desperately trying to decipher her, but his efforts were fruitless.
“Do you want me to stay?” He asked, hoping for some more insight into what exactly was wrong with her.
“Only if you want.”
He gave a soft and tired smile, unbeknownst to Pidge in the darkness.
“Okay.”